Archives for posts with tag: show compassion

Treading Water

June 24, 2024 //
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Busy, productive weekend. Even feels like my Traveling Partner and I connected more deeply in some important ways than we have in a while. That feels pretty good. Fucking hell, though, life is a bit stressful and I am so tired. It’s just ordinary human fatigue of the sort that results from pushing one’s self too hard to do too much for too long. It’s a familiar feeling, though it has been awhile since it could “so easily” pull me down like this.

… I woke disoriented, unclear about when or where I was this morning, confused by the clothes I had laid out for today (“Where’s my uniform…?) and feeling the purposeful “relaxed tension” of military readiness – until I moved, and my aching back reminded me that time has passed and I am not that strong, aggressive, laser-focused, mission-driven, can-do young woman who thought she understood who the good guys are, and what the point of it all might be. lol Weird way to wake up. I feel exhausted before the day begins, and there is already (still) so much to do… I could definitely use the energy of that younger self!

…and also? Fuck this headache.

Emotionally, I feel like I am treading water, not yet at risk of drowning, but too fucking far from shore to feel secure facing this predicament. Life is “a lot”, right now. I’m doing my best. Sometimes, maybe even most of the time, it’s enough, but I sure don’t feel like I can count on that.

It’s fine. I’m fine.

Work is fine. Love is fine. Life is… complicated. 2 out of three in the “wins” column? I probably shouldn’t bitch, I’ve had it much worse. Hell, life isn’t bad, just complicated right now. There’s a lot going on, and change is in motion (some of it I chose myself, and while I can certainly question my timing, I can’t really complain about getting what I asked for).

I breathe, exhale, and relax. Self-care becomes huge at times like these, and I tend to do well if I already have firm reliable self-care practices in place that are habitual and just part of everyday life. I’m kicking myself a bit over self-care failures over time, recently, but trying to also be kind to myself. “Just begin again. Keep practicing.” I remind myself.

The morning feels chilly, though it’s a mild 51°F this morning. I don’t need a jacket as I walk, but quickly notice the cool of morning when I paused to take pictures. Sitting here at the halfway point, I regret the sleeveless top I’m wearing, though I know it will feel like a good choice in the heat of the afternoon, later.

I sit with my thoughts. I won’t sit for long. I’m filled with restless energy that needs an outlet. That’s okay, it’s a work day, and my to-do list is rather long, presently – there’s no shortage of shit to do, or things that need my attention. I’m presently faced with a to-do list that continues to grow slightly faster than I am working it off, so running out of shit to do? Not a challenge I have to deal with. lol I guess I am grateful? I probably should be.

The sun rises above the hills on the horizon, golden and bright. A new day ahead. What will I do with it? When night comes, will I be satisfied with how I spent my time? How will I care for this fragile vessel? Can I tread water long enough to reach the shore? (Metaphorically speaking, swimming might be a better choice…)

I breathe, exhale, and relax. Soon it will be time to begin again, to face the next challenge, the next moment, and the expectations of the woman in the mirror. I’ll do my best – that will have to be enough.

We become what we practice. Feels like a good day to practice maintaining perspective, and non-attachment, a good day to practice kindness, compassion and consideration. I’m definitely going to need the practice… I’m very human and my results vary.

…Change is. Are you ready for it? Time is short, and the clock is ticking…

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, art and the artist, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, grief, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, solo hiking, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Sure I Have Regrets

January 17, 2024 //
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I woke up early after a short restless night of shitty sleep. I’m stuck at home because everything local is covered in ice. My Traveling Partner was already awake, and obviously not happy about that, tired, cross, and earnestly wanting very much to sleep. I said good morning, and as little else as was possible without being rude and slipped away to my office committed to being as quiet as I could so he could maybe sleep.

…My keyboard is too loud for this shit, and I find that regrettable. I briefly shop for a quieter one, then move on to catching up on work notes…

I sip my coffee, typing super gently and with great care, trying to be quiet enough that a sleeping person in the adjacent room would be undisturbed. I doubt that I am successful, and I am painfully aware of how noisy this mechanical keyboard I like so much actually is. Shit.

…It’s very hard to write in a digital space without hitting keys on a keyboard of some kind. I chose poorly for this environment…

If a human being could arrive at death’s door with no more serious regret than a poor choice of keyboard in a home office adjacent to a bedroom, that would indeed be an amazing thing. I do have more serious regrets, and I suspect that most people who proclaim they “have no regrets” either wholly lack compassion, or are not considering the question deeply. Just an opinion, based on having once been one of those people (and it was a bit of the one, and a lot of the other).

  • I regret the times I have hurt people, emotionally or physically.
  • I regret rushing into marriage at 18 (frankly it nearly killed me).
  • I regret not leaving that relationship sooner.
  • I regret not getting the help I needed when I first understood my mental health was at risk.
  • I regret how difficult it has been to overcome some of my TBI and PTSD related challenges and the way that has affected my relationships.
  • I regret that I can be such a bitch sometimes.
  • I regret a great many of my foolish decisions.
  • I regret not setting better boundaries earlier in life.
  • I regret that I’ve ever made my happiness someone else’s problem.

Big and small, regrets come in many sizes and an endless variety. Choose your adventure. Choose with care and with your eyes on your values, and perhaps you’ll have fewer regrets? Less to regret seems like a good goal… But, we’re all human, and our cognitive biases alone are enough to ensure sooner or later, we’ll have done something, said something, or been part of something we later find regrettable. That’s okay, though, isn’t it – if we learn from it, and grow to become more the person we want to be?

This coffee is almost gone. It’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, meditation, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5, turning 60, War and News of War, winter, Words