My thrice rescheduled imaging appointment is this afternoon. I woke aware of that detail as if concerned about forgetting. (Wouldn’t be the first time I had something important on my calendar, reminders set, and still somehow managed to completely forget about it – on my way there!) My morning routine is otherwise quite… routine.
[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]
I walk the trail under a beautiful full moon. The morning is cool, with a hint of autumn ahead in the air. I reach my halfway point in good time, left ankle and right knee aching every step. I take a seat and the pain that feels most prominent becomes my arthritic spine and my headache. I sigh quietly. Typical. Not really worth bitching about. I breathe, exhale, and relax, positioning myself for meditation as the moon slowly sets.
I shift gears, mind “in neutral” and let thoughts come and go, passing through my awareness, acknowledged, but not indulged. I do some of my best thinking early in the morning, but I prefer not to occupy my thoughts with mundanities or other people’s drama. Art, science, wonder, philosophy, ethics, and simple observations of the world around me seem more worthy of the time. I’m still a human primate. Still prone to being mislead by thinking errors and logical fallacies. Still prone to making assumptions. Still likely to cling to some fucked up stupid notion for purely emotional reasons, or out of habit. I breathe in the cool summer air. I exhale some small measure of my chronic human foolishness. I relax with a smile, remembering that it’s a journey, not a light switch.
I squint at the wash of pale blue along the eastern horizon. Daybreak. A new day full of opportunities to begin again…
Walking with my thoughts at daybreak. I have a Benjamin Tod song stuck in my head. The refrain is direct and deeply meaningful for me.
[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]
Life is defined by decisions You may burn bridges you ain’t got time to mend You’re too old to be in this condition You’re too young for the lord to take in
Real. Life is defined by our decisions, or at least shaped by them significantly. We are shaped by circumstances. Shaped by trauma. Shaped by our decisions. When I give it too much thought I begin to feel the mighty fist of fate squeezing and molding me with as little regard for me individually as a toddler with Play-Doh. Here I am.
Yesterday was “defined by” decisions, for sure. A lot of words come to mind, but I still have a lot to consider and process and put into future decisions. Verbs.
My beloved reads my writing (almost every day). One of the most delightful things about my Traveling Partner reading my writing is that I feel very “seen” – visible. Understood. When I make some point very well, he takes a moment to let me know and sometimes shares my writing. It’s something I appreciate.
One of the most uncomfortable things about my Traveling Partner reading my writing is that I am very visible; he sees where I am falling short on good self-care, and when I let some critical practice fall by the wayside. He points out hypocrisy. He calls me on my bullshit. When I’m struggling with something I’ve dealt with before, he observes the pattern and redirects my attention to some previous bit of writing with which I can support myself and get back on track. This too I appreciate – but it is uncomfortable as hell. I’m grateful. We don’t grow from comfortable experiences.
…If I were a better person, perhaps I would find a more gracious approach to accepting his support. I sigh to myself. I can be a resentful defensive asshole about feedback sometimes. I can do better. I’ll practice…
Our conversations yesterday were powerful, raw, deeply meaningful, heartfelt, frank, and vulnerable. I’m not going to call it a good time – but it was needed and I feel more deeply connected with my partner as a result. That’s good stuff. The discomfort doesn’t last. The feeling of connection can, if I feed it some verbs.
The sun lights the treetops, looking a bit like autumn.
The morning is cloudy. It feels like it may actually rain. After I finish my walk, it’s another day of laundry, and chores and housekeeping. My pain feels pretty well managed. I’ll work on keeping it that way.
… Life is defined by decisions…
I breathe, exhale, and relax. I’m still more questions than answers. Still a student of life, practicing practices, doing my best, and taking this journey without a map one step at a time. Incremental change over time really does add up, but it is a slow process, and we definitely can’t expect the promise of future progress to satisfy every circumstance. It is what it is (which is to say slow and uncomfortable, but worth the effort).
I smile thinking about enjoying a cup of coffee with my beloved before I set off for my walk this morning. Vulnerable is hard. Connected is supremely beautiful. These experiences are related; connection requires vulnerability. I am good at neither of these. I sigh to myself at the admission. Okay, now that I’ve said it, where does that leave me? Standing on the edge a beginning, I guess.
Summer meadow flowers
I sit watching a new day begin. It’s time isn’t it? We create a lot of our experience. Our lives are defined by our decisions. Choose wisely. Do the verbs. The clock is ticking. Fuck it all up? Well, shit, learn something and begin again. Learn what matters most. Decide who you most want to be. Do those verbs. Didn’t work out? Do something different. Incremental change over time will continue to shape and define you. It’s a process.
I sit awhile longer reflecting on the progress I’ve seen my partner make in the lifetime we’ve spent together. He’s certainly playing the game on advanced settings. We’ve traveled a long and difficult journey together. It is an adventure I hope to continue all of my mortal days (and whatever may be beyond them).
Evening Light 