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New Year, Another Change

January 6, 2024 //
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I’m sitting at the trailhead, early on a Saturday morning before dawn, listening to the rain on the windows of my car. I watch the lights of passing cars on the nearby highway sweep over the soggy roadside and the marsh beyond. I am waiting for a break in the rain and for the gate to the park to open. I won’t have to wait much longer on the gate, it opens at daybreak.

I’m sipping an iced espresso, more ice than coffee, and thinking about yesterday. New job. Well… Same job, but as a full-time employee rather than a contractor. I’m smiling as I recall the moment, because my boss seemed every bit as excited to make the offer as I was to receive it, and said some pretty great things about the work I’ve done so far. It feels really good to get that kind of validation.

… I remind myself not to take the compliments personally, just as I would if I had been grievously insulted; they’re words. Opinions. Impressions in the moment. They provoke an emotional reaction, sure, but my own lived experience reminds me they guarantee nothing and provide no assurance of a particular outcome.

… Still… I’m pleased and excited. It’s a step I wanted to take and it puts me in a good place for the year ahead. I sit quietly with the feeling of eagerness and contentment for awhile, waiting for daybreak.

Daybreak comes. The park gate opens. The geese begin their day and I hear them honking at each other before I see them overhead. The rain just keeps coming down steadily. Too rainy to bring the camera out. I wait, still hopeful I might get a break in the rain sufficient to walk a couple miles along the soggy marsh trails. Maybe. Maybe not.

I sit wondering what to do with the day before remembering it’s time to take down all the holiday decor and put it away for another year. I’d almost forgotten all about it. lol My heart is still celebrating, I suppose. It’s not that there’s all that much joy available in the world right now, more that it is more urgent that we savor the joy there is.

I sip my coffee (honestly more ice water than coffee at this point) swirling it in the cup to hear the ice rattle. Life can change so quickly. I sit with my thoughts, my joys, my sorrows. I enjoy the pleasant stillness and solitude awhile. No agenda. No demands on my time or attention. Just this moment, the rain, and the sounds of the geese… It’s enough.

… Later, I’ll begin again.

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Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, inspiration, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Practices, solo hiking, The Art of Being, turning 60, winter, Words

Countdowns & Resolutions

December 29, 2023 //
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Well, it’s my last work shift before a new year begins. Damn this year went by so fast. It’s been… much. Google “2023” and there are plenty of articles and listicles and videos already available breaking it all down, in spite of the clock not yet running out on 2023. Another year behind us…

…Another chance to do better, to begin again…

I’m not a fan of “resolutions” as a New Year’s celebration. I mean, the intention is good – make a change. Good goal. Most people focus on fitness, diet, exercise, something they’d like to do, some aspirational change of habit… and most people, most years, fail on most resolutions. It’s just not ideally effective as an approach, I guess.

I’ve got a list of books I’d like to read this year (most of them are to do with work related topics). I’ve got a goal in mind to walk a given number of miles this year (and it’s a bit more than last year). I have it in mind to do a better job with my self-care day-to-day and to continue down my path, maintaining or even improving on the practices that generally tend to support my generally good quality of life. I’ve even got my eye on being a better partner – and a better person. A better listener? That, too. It’s a lot to shoot for. lol All good stuff. Reasonable. Useful. Lofty. I can expect it to be a lot of work. I can expect my results to vary. There will be verbs involved – many. I can expect more failures than successes – at least initially; it takes time to build a practice (and repetition, a lot of repetition). There it is. A new year “all planned” and filled with an idea of who this woman is who I would most like to be. It’s at least a starting point. I can’t call myself “resolved” though, and I don’t view these as “resolutions”… I’m just a woman with an idea of what I’d like to get done next year, or see changed. I’ll do my best.

I still make a firm practice of taking “One Hour” each New Year’s Day, to reflect and evaluate and wonder. It’s a meditation, a self-care practice, and a worthwhile means of celebrating the new year without a lot of boozy noise and distractions, which I’m not really much into, myself.

I sit quietly with my morning coffee, gazing at the waning moon hanging above the city. Quiet morning. Lovely. Peaceful. I got a better night’s sleep than I have in the last couple days, but woke early to find my Traveling Partner already up, himself, quietly watching videos. A moment or two of conversation later, and I made the drive into the city for this last shift. Then… the weekend, the new year, and the whole cycle begins again, with spending much of New Year’s Day taking down all the holiday decor and returning it to storage for another year.

I sigh out loud, sip my coffee, and get ready to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, War and News of War, winter

You Can Plan All You Want

November 19, 2023 //
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Sometimes life throws a curve ball. Our path may take a detour we didn’t see coming. Sometimes unexpected circumstances are a big deal, with a lot of upheaval or moments of adversity and tears. Sometimes it’s just a rainy morning that makes an early walk less feasible (or at least less pleasant).

Waiting for a break in the rain.

I woke early and tried to slip away without waking my Traveling Partner. It wasn’t raining when I left the house, but it clearly had been. By the time I got to the trailhead and parked the car, it was raining pretty steadily. I sat contentedly listening to the rain fall, spattering the car, meditating and watching the dawn become day.

I managed to get a half mile in, between rain showers, then another after warming up in the car. It’s somehow very satisfying and I find myself thinking “nice morning for it”, in spite of the rain and the autumn chill. What a lovely weekend.

I think of a distant and very dear friend who is ill, and wonder if I should make the drive down to see her again, very soon? I worry. She’s going through a rough time and has COVID on top of that. 😦

The sky continues to lighten. I watch the few soggy leaves still clinging to branches flutter in the breeze. Now and then a gust of wind rocks the car. I wait for another break in the rain and think about love.

… Nice morning for it…

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Categories Allegories, autumn, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being

Autumn Leaves, Raindrops, and Once Upon a Time

October 16, 2023 //
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I’m sipping lukewarm too-strong less than ideally good office coffee and looking out the windows onto a rainy day, in Autumn, in “the city”. It could be any city. There are trees along the sidewalks, green summer foliage has begun turning to shades of gold, amber, and red. The soggy gray sky obscures the distant hills and creates silvery featureless reflections on office buildings beyond the windows. I’m thinking about life – and how fortunate I am – and how peculiar it is to be so contented, generally, when my actual life is so very different than what I once thought I wanted from it. Very strange.

A rainy autumn day suitable for thinking thoughts.

The day begins rather slowly for a Monday. It’ll be busier as the day progresses. I use the time to get my thoughts sorted out, and my week planned. There’s much to do, but a significant portion of the doing rests on good planning, and awareness of projects already in progress; rushing through the “thought work” has proven to be a poor choice on more than one occasion. I take my time with it. I think things through. I take notes, and review other notes. I breathe, exhale, and relax. I drink my coffee.

Past tense. Autumn colors. Memories like fallen leaves.

Funny how what we think we want doesn’t always turn out to be what we actually wanted, at all. Funny how things that are in the past become something more than mere memories, over time, taking on stature far beyond whatever humble object or event they represent. I find myself thinking about the past, and wondering how I got from there to here… “Here” isn’t where I expected to be, honestly.

…There are conversations I wish I could have with my Dad, my Mom, with Granny…

I sip my coffee contentedly. The day and week stretch ahead of me. My Traveling Partner is at home, working. I’m in the office, working. I’m thinking about life and love, and smiling at the raindrops spattering the grand windows that seem display the city for my view alone in this quiet space. It’s enough. I guess I’m just puzzled about how this can feel so good, so safe, so satisfying… and still find myself vulnerable to the chaos and damage that still linger, and sometimes take me by surprise. I’m fortunate to have come so far. It’s taken time and a lot of verbs and considerable effort and the will to just keep at it… again and again, failure after failure, frustration after frustration… but I am here. This is now. I’m okay with it. More than that… I may even be… happy. At least in this moment. That’s enough.

Eventually, I’ll have to begin again. For now, I’ll just enjoy this moment, right here. 🙂

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Art of Being, turning 60

The Quiet Times

June 28, 2023 //
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I’m sipping some fizzy water in a cool, dimly lit, hotel room in the desert. The whole experience feels exotic and a tad surreal. At the moment, there is nothing at all “going on” – no planned activities, no agenda items, no dangling work… just… quiet. The stillness is filled only with the sound of the AC blowing softly, and my fingers dancing across the keyboard. For a moment it sounds almost like someone tap-dancing, just behind me. I breathe, exhale, relax, and consider for a moment whether I need pain medication, or would benefit from a cool shower, a nap, or perhaps wish to venture out into the sunshine.

…I smile understandingly at myself; it’s easy to run from the quiet times when I have them. It’s not a good practice, but it is easy. lol Another breathe. I pause to spend a few minutes on meditation.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I stretch, reaching for the ceiling, and then for the floor, as I get up from my cushion, after some minutes of meditation. I sit back down at this keyboard to reflect and to share, before the afternoon grows later.

The weather here is hot, dry, and breezy. The sun blasts the mountains and ground between them. It was already 75F by breakfast, and now it is 91F (and getting hotter) – it’s just past noon. The hotel staff smile when someone mentions the heat. We are enjoying – apparently – an unseasonal break from it (at these temperatures).

Palo Verde in bloom.

The signal strength and reliability of the hotel wi-fi connection isn’t great. My signal drops occasionally. This is not a great place to spend the day watching videos or movies, or doing anything at all that requires connectivity. What is a great place for are these quiet times. Sure, I could step out into the heat and dazzling sunshine reflected from the hotel pool. I don’t. I sit here quietly for some little while, soaking in the quiet. It’s such a rare thing (for me, most of the time) to find myself alone and embraced by stillness all around. I crave it. Seek it. Enjoy it. So… running from it, however easy, would just not be acceptable. We’ve got a work session planned for the afternoon, and soon enough it’ll be time to make my way to the co-work space we’ve reserved for the purpose. Soon enough. For now, there’s all this lovely quiet time to enjoy…

…Later will be soon enough to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Summer, The Art of Being
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