Archives for posts with tag: sufficiency

Carrying Groceries Without a Bag

January 9, 2019 //

Sometimes self-care (or, just managing all the details of adulthood) is a bit like carrying all the groceries home without a bag, while riding a unicycle. Challenging, requiring extraordinary balance, and resulting in a lot of fucking juggling and shit being dropped. lol

There are dishes on my counter. 😦

My vanity is strewn with a couple days of earrings I’ve worn and not hung back up.

I haven’t yet gotten on with my plan for re-organizing the studio to make room for my Traveling Partner’s music gear and whatnot.

The deck still looks like my landlord stacked all my potted plants willy-nilly against one wall (which is what he did do, and I have not yet restored order).

Well, shit. Still human. LOL

My nails need a touch up, the laundry needs done, the bed wants made (well, actually, it hasn’t said as much, I just prefer it made)… There are things to do, and at least for me, pretty much all of this tedious housekeeping and maintenance “bullshit” is part of my self-care; I do best in an orderly, tidy living space, that feels comfortable and cared for. It aggravates me and causes me stress when things slip, however briefly, and however inconsequentially. Few guests would look around and take note of the plate, coffee cup, and fork, rinsed and neatly sitting on the counter, waiting for me to empty the dishwasher of clean dishes. I do. That’s what matters; it nags at me. It reminds me of trauma, and past terror. Same with things like my unmade bed; who really fucking cares? Me. Laundry? Well, clean clothes are nice, and I’ve got weekend plans, and at least one item I’m thinking about wearing is in the laundry, so in a purely practical sense this is a chore that needs done, but…

I look around and allow myself to really see the untidiness as it is; not that bad. I allow myself to sit with both the acknowledgement that it isn’t that bad, and also the awareness that it is not as I prefer it. I allow myself to be aware that this feels like I’m letting myself down. While that’s uncomfortable, it’s also real – and okay. I breathe and let go of the stress over a neatly organized, rinsed, 1 meal stack of dishes on the counter. I’ve got this. Just needs some juggling, and attention to details.

Verbs. It also needs some verbs. Don’t forget the verbs.

Fucking hell, self-care is hard sometimes, yeah? Do the things. Do the stuff. Do the things and the stuff. Sort shit. Handle shit. Manage shit. Do tasks. Check in with self. Repeat. It’s a lot – and it sometimes feels like I’m doing battle just keeping myself on track with my self-care. Why the hell is this so hard? I get up and go to work every day like a fucking machine – how do I not also come home and relentlessly take care of me, also? (Easy answer? Not enough spoons.)

I’m still learning to “pace myself” in life. lol I am reminded of a humorous song, and pause myself to listen to it. Smiling I sip my coffee and remind myself that all of it takes practice, repetition, more practice, iterations of improvement over time, refinements based on what really works – and throughout all of it, I’ll still be quite human, quite prone to fatigue, totally likely to let something go another minute, or overlook something that in some other moment felt quite important to get done. All of it totally okay, and very very human. 🙂

I check the time. My coffee is done. It’s time to begin again. 🙂

Tags be the change, begin again, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, mindful living, my home my rules my way, pace yourself, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, self-care, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, verbs, walking my own path, what matters most?

Categories Brain Injury, forgiveness, Free Will, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, The Art of Being, winter

Speak Gently

January 8, 2019 //

A friend gave me a small sign, says “Speak Gently”. It sits on my desk, part of the background at this point. For no particular reason, it was really in focus at a couple points today. I paid attention. Some things I expected to go very badly, weren’t so bad. That’s something.

…It also feels better to depart from the enormity of the stress and emotional back-pressure that often seems to accompany raised voices, frayed nerves, or terse dialogue. That much I definitely appreciate. Sure. Verbs. Reading is a verb, yeah? I read that sign, and heeded the caution – with the thought of a dear friend in mind, which was even nicer still.

Now a gentle evening, and even the self-talk is bordering on tender. Certainly, I’m giving myself no grief at all this evening, as any lingering twilight is overcome by night. I feel content, and relaxed. It’s enough.

The day seemed much more complicated in real-time. This moment here doesn’t seem to hold any shards leftover from all that. It’s behind me. I look around here, in this place, in this moment, and see a few things I could take care of before bed… Then… I run out of words. 🙂

Tags anxiety, be here now, be the change, begin again, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, it's a sign, listening deeply, MBSR, mindfulness, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, speak gently, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Big 5, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walk on, walking my own path, what matters most?

Categories anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Frustration, grief, inspiration, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Big 5, winter, Words

Achievement Unlocked

January 7, 2019 //

Another Monday finished off, in due time. Hardly a routine work day, and I could have easily arrived home in a completely shitty mood, after spending the last half of my work day struggling not to snarl at people (it was that sort of day).

I didn’t. I made other choices, although, honestly, I’m sort of tired now, and… just a tad uncertain which choices had what result. lol Choices were made, however, and some were made differently. New perspective? Different perspective. Close enough.

I got home tired. I’m not even bitching; it wasn’t a particularly long day, and I still have some evening ahead of me to relax, read, write, and do some things to support my own wellness and quality of life. It feels good. It’s a small thing, but keeping some of my focus on my own needs really does make a huge difference, and when I don’t – however worthy the reason, I eventually pay a price for it in a reduction in quality of life, health, emotional resilience, or some moment of aggravation blown out of proportion.

I sat down to write and found this:

…Has it been 6 years?

Funny thing, though… I mean… I write like I breathe (which is to say, reliably, most of the time, and without any particular effort or need to think about it, and fairly unavoidably; it’s part of my existence). How is 6 more years of writing actually an achievement? I nibble at my fairly nutritious dinner, and give that some thought.

6 years ago, I was walking a very different path.

6 years. 6 years of living life. Now that’s an achievement. 6 years of learning to love truly well. 6 years of sharing my heart and my moments with my Traveling Partner. Hell of an achievement right there; love takes some major verbs, done well. 6 years of forgiving myself. 6 years of forgiving others. 6 years of laughing at my own dumb jokes. 6 years spent doing more than crying. 6 years of hiking, camping, and pouring over maps of trails yet to be walked. Those are pretty cool achievements. 6 years of work I can be proud of. 6 years of lasting friendships, and new friends. Definitely some achievements in there. 6 years of more daydreams than nightmares – that’s a big achievement, most particularly because it has continued to improve over time. 🙂 6 years of practicing practices, sharing tales from a journey through a wilderness of chaos and damage, traveling in the twilight of evening light… and somehow, it seems a stroll through a sunny meadow much of the time, in year 6. That’s an achievement I don’t even know how to measure. Feels good.

So… yeah… I guess the tl;dr is “I registered on WordPress.com 6 years ago”. This may not be “happily ever after”… but it is pretty nice, generally. 🙂 I chose to make a change. That was an achievement. I’ve just kept making changes, and when I falter, I begin again. That’s an achievement. Thanks, WordPress.com, you’ve been a hell of a platform for change. 🙂

Still walking my path, paved with verbs and new beginnings, illuminated with love.

Tags Achievement unlocked, are you going my way?, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, experience, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, I write, level up!, meditation, of course I've kept it up, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, thanks WordPress.com, The Art of Being, The Big 5, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walk on, walking my own path, what matters most?, words

Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, forgiveness, Free Will, Healthy Living, inspiration, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5, winter, women, Words

New Beginnings in a New Year

January 3, 2019 //

It’s the morning of the first day back in the office in a new year. Somehow, this particular day, each year that I’ve been a working adult, reliably feels very much more… significant (close enough) than other “first days” and new beginnings of various sorts. I’m aware it is a matter of subjective experience, my own notions, and context, nonetheless it feels “special”, in neither a specifically positive nor specifically negative way. It is one of the most obviously “this is what I make of it” days in my year, each year.

…Sometimes it is very hard to go back, and really feels like “going backward”.

…Sometimes it is easy to return to the job, and feels very promising.

Today? Today is a Thursday. 🙂

My experience reflects my choices.

I took some additional self-care steps this year, and built my holiday around some skillful choices in time management, and activities. One of those was to allow myself adequate travel and recovery time, instead of rushing myself to get back and also be in the office as of the day after New Year’s Day (you know, the 2nd of January). As it happens, I was so not up to working a shift yesterday, and although the resulting 2-day work week is so short that both days will be (most likely) both a bit long and very busy, I am ready for it, today.

I got to bed relatively early last night, still pretty fatigued from the holiday excitement, and slept soundly through the night. I woke up a bit early, and got up feeling pretty good. Very little pain, and only from all the usual unavoidable bullshit. I sip my coffee contentedly, ready to greet a new day and year. Today effectively restarts the last bit of routine life post-holiday; the job.

…I take a moment to appreciate that although I was “on call” the entire holiday, no one, apparently, needed to call me. Nice. 🙂

The new year will also be the starting point of a new schedule (for me) that should (ideally) allow me to improve on my self-care, by giving me a week day off into which I can schedule appointments and get some things done. Having to take time off of work for every medical appointment gets annoying fast, as well as being overly revealing of how much time I need to spend on that endeavor, which, from my perspective, is a rather personal matter that needn’t be a topic of office conversation. Aging already sucks enough. lol

I’m stalling. It’s time now…

Start where you are. Look toward the horizon you’d like to stand upon. Start walking.

It’s time to begin again.

Tags are you going my way?, be the change, choose wisely, choose your own route, choosing my own route, distant horizons, draw your own map, drawing my own map, Eight Dollar Mountain, emotional self sufficiency, experience, good self-care, how to draw a map, I am my own cartographer, it's an adventure, Kalmiopsis Wilderness, meditation, mindful living, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, taking care of me, The Art of Being, The Big 5, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, waking my own path, walk on, walk your own path, what matters most?

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, inspiration, Logic & Reason, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5, winter

Too Early, But Not Too Late

December 29, 2018 //

I am awake early. Too early. It was 2:35 am when I woke. Like… totally awake, woke. As in, not going back to sleep levels of awake. Well… shit. I’m up. lol

…On the other hand? Today’s a travel day, and I can either take my leisure with the morning, or hit the highway earlier. Either works for me. No wrong answer. So… I guess that means it’s time to make coffee. 😀

My coffee is tasty – nice job there, Me – but somehow I managed to make only about 2/3 of a cup of coffee. Weird. (To be fair, my “usual” cup of coffee is a 16 oz mug – that’s about 500 ml – thus 2/3 is still a plenty decent sized cup of coffee, so, it’s not like I made any effort to do anything about it.) It got me thinking about coffee for the drive. I can’t find my travel-mug-of-choice anywhere… and if I hit the road at or before 4 am, nothing much will be open. lol It all seems dreadfully complicated… so…

…I let that shit go. It’s a non issue. Doesn’t matter enough to fuss over. 😉

I enjoy a few moments of conversation with a not-all-that-distant friend (just far enough away that we don’t see each other, although with minimal effort we easily could). He’s eager to hang out, calls me “beautiful”. I note both the delight I feel at the compliment, and the immediate suspicion that follows it. I take a breath, and let that go, too. I give my demons a wink. “Not today, fuckers, not today”, I say to myself, and return to my coffee. I smile, content to feel warmed by the nice compliment. Then I let that go to.

Today is not a day to cling to illusions. The New Year approaches, and it’s a fantastic moment for letting things go. 🙂

I sip my coffee, continue the conversation, glance at the time… damn, I was up early. It’s not yet 4:00 am. Car is loaded. I’m showered and dressed. This is all going very well, so far. 😀

The weekend ahead looks to be a busy one. Out of town. Filled with moments, friends, parties, and comings & goings. Writing will take commitment. I remind myself to bring my laptop. I remind myself it’s already in the car. lol Am I really awake enough to get such an early start?

I think about that one. Then I let that shit go. Bullshit insecurity. Bullshit doubt. My anxiety lying to me. Letting it go is a breath away.

I breathe. Sip my coffee. Finish up a flirtatious conversation. Consider the day ahead. I’m eager to see my Traveling Partner. He is eager to see me. We share a peculiarly intense love that sometimes still finds me wondering if this can actually be real. This doubt, too, I let go of. It’s not necessary to instill each moment with doubt. That’s just baggage, and at 55, I have to admit that if I indulge or cling to it, the choice is mine.

I choose to let that shit go.

Well, look at that – it’s already time to begin again. 🙂

Tags are you going my way?, be here now, be love, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, experience, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, let it go, love and lovers, meditation, mindfulness, on the road again, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sufficiency, taking care of me, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, what matters most?

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, winter

Carrying Groceries Without a Bag

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Speak Gently

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Achievement Unlocked

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New Beginnings in a New Year

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Too Early, But Not Too Late

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