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Quieting a Noisy Mind

March 15, 2024 //
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I’ve been feeling very fatigued at the end of each day this week. Last night I was so tired I crashed rather abruptly, rather early, and failed to complete a couple absolutely ordinary routine tasks I generally do before bed by habit – like laying out my clothes for the next day. So tired. It’s not that I’ve been doing a ton of manual labor or anything of that sort… it’s the “thought work”. Thought work is real work. Cognitive fatigue is real fatigue. Tired is… tired. It’s important to get the rest we need.

I woke this morning from a deep sound sleep, just ahead of my alarm. I don’t know what woke me. I felt as if I could easily just go right back to sleep, but my scheduled wake-up time was just 5 minutes away, so I got up. I pushed myself through my morning routine, which “unexpectedly” included actually picking out clothes to wear; I didn’t even remember that I’d failed to take care of that task before bed, and was a bit taken by surprise by the lack of clothes already waiting for me. lol The drive to work was effortless to the point of being almost surreal – I hit all but one signal light green, and traffic seemed peculiarly light. The entire drive I had a song stuck in my head that made me think of my Traveling Partner, and by the time I got to the office I was missing him so so much!

I sat down with my coffee, and before I even really planned on doing so I was mired in work tasks and getting the day started – and within minutes, my mind felt “noisy” and filled with details. I paused on the recollection of last night’s intense fatigue, and realized (not for the first time) – I’m doing this to myself, and I have choices.

I stopped. Put aside the work tasks for a few minutes. I put the computer on “sleep” (so that the monitor wasn’t on in front of me at all). I sat gazing out the windows, watching day break, and the sun begin to rise beyond the skyline. Breathe, exhale, relax… repeat. I sat in the stillness for some unmeasured while, letting my thoughts pass through my mind, acknowledged but not interacted with. Breathe, exhale, relax… I listened to the cacophony of crows as they rose from the trees to go wherever crows go during the day. The heat wooshed softly in the background. The sunrise slowly developed, from a deep gray blue to a faded denim blue with hints of pale orange and something like green, and streaked with pink. Breathe, exhale, relax… My tinnitus is ever-present, but not especially loud or distracting this morning; I noticed it, and let that go, too. I gently do a “body scan” without disturbing the stillness of my mind. Back pain? Manageable. Headache? Mild, and not a distraction… in fact, almost not a headache. Nice. Breathe, exhale, relax. My mind slowly calms the fuck down, to a chill state of relaxed attentiveness. No pressure. No rush. Just here. Now. Better.

I feel a smile spread across my face, and stretch. Fluffy pink clouds are distributed across the blue of the western sky and the daylight in the east continues to increase. I reach for this page to write a few words, and here I am. Iced coffee. A few words about a helpful practice that I have learned to count on to relax my mind when it gets “too noisy in here”. Will it work for you, too? I don’t know. Maybe? It for sure works for me – and doesn’t require sitting, either. It works nicely on a walk. It’s a practice that really only requires that I set aside everything else and take a moment for myself to simply be, and to simply give myself a moment of my own time, with nothing else in mind but being here.

I breathe, exhale (more of a contented sigh at this point), and relax… it’s time to begin again. 😀

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Spring, The Art of Being

Hot Coffee, Fresh Headache

March 13, 2024 //
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My head aches ferociously this morning, some annoying combination headache that grips the base of my skull and holds on, dull and distracting. My tinnitus is loud, and also very annoying. Ah, but this cup of coffee is hot, and properly made, and soothes the part of my brain that very much wishes I were not awake right now at all. A new day begins, and so far… it’s mostly annoying. lol Yes, I’m also mostly laughing it off – because honestly what the hell else can I do with it that might get me somewhere better than this situation right here, right now? I’m just saying, I could choose to be angry about it and mired in my aggravation, but I’m doing my best to not do that.

I was awakened too early; my Traveling Partner was having trouble sleeping because he was congested and having trouble breathing easily, which is most definitely a crappy experience to be having. I woke from a deep sound sleep, cross and alarmed, and concerned that I’d likely not be easily able to get back to sleep (and might also be at risk of escalating the situation into some sort of argument) because of where my head was at when I woke. I chose to get up, dress, and head into the city (so so early) – I knew I could nap on the couch in the lounge for a couple hours before my day typically begins (there wouldn’t be anyone there to be disturbed or inconvenienced). The drive into the city was pleasant, uneventful, and calm; there was no traffic, and I only saw a couple cars passing in the other direction on the entire drive. Once I arrived, I had no difficulty getting more or less comfortable (for most values of “comfortable”) on the couch, and I managed to nap for a couple hours, although the city version of “quiet” is rather noisy for my liking.

I sip my coffee and recognize that some portion of my headache may be the result of the less-than-ideal pillow I was resting my head on, or the position I was in, generally. Still… I did rest, and it is a new day…anyway, I think I had this headache when I woke up earlier. Today I have my appointment with my massage therapist, and that will likely give me considerable relief from this headache.

…Pretty good cup of coffee, too…

Fairly typical of cities, this one seems “flooded with light”, even during the wee empty hours of the night. When I woke, this space seemed “brightly lit”, although there were no lights on. It was just the ambient light of the city itself, and my eyes had adjusted while I dozed. I woke somewhat disoriented (so I know I definitely slept, possibly fairly deeply), confused by the illuminated surroundings, which clashed with my expectation of darkness. Finding my way to the coffee machine in the “darkness” was easy, and the hot cup of coffee was so welcome.

…So here it is a new day…

I sigh and stretch, and rub my aching neck, and sip my coffee. I wonder if my Traveling Partner finally got back to sleep, himself? I hope he did. Being short on sleep sucks.

My mind wanders. I drink my coffee. The pre-dawn sky is still quite dark, and daybreak is still minutes away, and it’ll be more than half an hour after that before the sun rise. For now, I can’t even see whether the sky is cloudy – those details are still obscured by the city lights. Still, it’s interesting enough to simply watch the cars go by on the streets below, and listen to the crows announcing their plans for the morning, while I drink this coffee.

Day breaks, and the crows take flight as a noisy group. Soon enough it’ll be time for coffee #2… and time to begin again.

…Fucking hell, this headache, though…

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Sleepless Nights, Spring, The Art of Being

Dumb Mindfulness Exercises

March 11, 2024 //
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I’m sitting here with a cup of tea and a terrible headache. The headache is no surprise; it’s the Monday after Daylight Savings Time began this year, and that rather abrupt change to the timing on all my medication reliably results in a headache, and some crankiness. I guess I’m fortunate that it isn’t worse.

I found myself needing a break. A “proper break”, though, really stepping back from “this” and giving myself room to reconnect with myself here/now. I brought a fat juicy “Sumo” tangerine to work with my lunch today, and it seemed like a good time to enjoy that…

…I tore off the “top knot” of the tangerine and the smell of it filled my senses. I thought immediately of some of the odd-seeming mindfulness exercises sometimes taught to students or CBT patients just learning mindfulness practices. You probably know the ones… “eat a raisin”… “eat an orange”… These departures from the mindless consumption we often tend towards are intended to “wake us up” to the real depth of some very commonplace ordinary experiences and create an opportunity to experience them more fully, in a more present and engaged way. They can still seem pretty silly, or awkward, or fake, especially the first time, or in the company of strangers.

…Embracing authenticity is sometimes a matter of letting go of our own self-consciousness or embarrassment, or concern about what someone else’s idea of “normal” looks like…

I sit here with this big fragrant tangerine quite happily. I love the scent of it. The heft of the large asymmetrical fruit feels very satisfying in my hand. The bumpy rough skin tempts me further, and I begin to peel it, smelling the freshness of still more citrus-y tangerine-y scent filling the air around my desk. The skin makes a sort of quiet ripping sound as it pulls away from the juicy flesh of the fruit it has been protecting. The bitter white pith pulls away easily, without a sound. The inside of the peel feels vaguely damp and very soft. Minutes have gone by in the time it has taken to peel this one fruit, and even though I haven’t even tasted it yet, my mood has already lifted quite a lot.

…Does it matter if something seems silly, if it works for you?…

I slowly separate one slice, one “segment” I guess it is, of the tangerine from the rest, breaking the fruit into halves as I do. Like a kid, I carefully peel off the thin skin that separates the slice from the others, and which holds the section intact as an individual piece. I admire the deep orange color of the fruit, and wonder how many of the tiny orange tear-drop shaped inner bits there really are in each section, before I bite into it and taste the sweet tang of the tangerine, at last. Somehow, tangerines manage to taste like Christmas and summertime both at the same time. Simultaneously exotic and ordinary, fancy and everyday, for a moment I think perhaps these are my favorite fruit – before I laugh to myself, aware that I probably feel that way the first moment I bite into almost any fully ripe fruit. One by one, I bite into the slices of tangerine, tasting each one anew, going slowly enough to really appreciate the taste and texture, and really enjoy the experience. Here’s the thing about this as a mindfulness practice; it’s not about going so slow that the slowness becomes the experience, it’s simply about going slowly enough to have an experience in the first place. This is a huge tangerine – certainly big enough to be at least two whole servings of fruit – so shouldn’t there be some time consumed along with the fruit? If I’m sucking this tangerine down almost whole in mere seconds, have I even had an opportunity to actually enjoy it beyond the first sweet brief bite?

I sit smiling, eating my tangerine, taking my break. Minutes go by. Enough time for two streetcars to pass by on the street below. Long enough for a soft rain to begin, spattering the windows and changing the quality of the light. I feel present and real, instead of a bit distracted and harried. I feel relaxed, and also energized (doesn’t hurt that this tangerine is juicy and sweet and nutritious). Sure, I’ve still got a headache, and it’s still the day after the start of DST, but I feel pretty good, and here. Present. I break the last slice of this tangerine in half and eat it in two delightful bites.

I’m ready to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, inspiration, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Spring, The Art of Being, weight loss secrets

Being and Yearning

March 8, 2024 //
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As I came around the last bend in the road before I reached the city, the sunrise greeted me with a messy smudge of coral and orange, like badly applied lipstick. I so earnestly wished to make a right turn and chase that sunrise to wherever the day might take me…

The yearning hit me hard. I don’t find myself wanting to chase things like a bigger house, a more exotic car, Birkin bags, or Louboutin shoes. Sufficiency is generally quite enough for me, and I’m content with the occasional excesses of more modest scale, like garden seeds, or art supplies, or a new keyboard…but… I sometimes find myself faced with a very peculiar moment of yearning and discontent that is very much part of “who I am” (and has been for as much of my life as I can recall)… I sometimes earnestly and deeply want to be free of everything that defines my life – however it is presently defined. As though the constraints of habit and routine, and requirements and expectations, just get to be too much, and something within me spills out and I just want to… go. Somewhere. Somewhere else than wherever I am. I want to “chase that sunrise”. I want to sleep in and when I wake wander to some previously unvisited delightful breakfast spot and linger into the day over my coffee. I want to wander a beach or a forest trail, listening to the birds and the breezes. I want to be… untethered. I doubt this experience is unique to me, and it seems generally very human.

This morning, once my commute carried me to the city, and the car was parked in the usual place, and I frowned at the thermostat in the office on my way past it, as I often do, and made a cup of coffee (that has already gone cold), I sat down and did the payday stuff and the budgeting, like a proper grownup. No tears or terror, no stress, just regular adult shit that has to get done regardless of how lovely the sunrise may be. I’m okay with it. I don’t really need to drop everything and escape my existence, I’ve got a pretty comfortable life that I enjoy very much, and I’m fortunate to share it with a partner I love deeply, and who loves me back so wonderfully. Life is pretty good right now. I’m not objecting to that, or craving change – just acknowledging my restless nature, and maybe wishing it were already “camping season” (too chilly yet for me, personally). lol Funny creatures, human primates – give them everything they want and need in life, and still they find their way to discontentedness, wanting either more, or less. LOL

I sip my tepid coffee, unbothered by any detail of the morning, thus far. I’m okay. I breathe. Exhale. Relax. (Mutter something cranky about the broken heat in this office.) I stretch, and check my calendar. Set up my work day. Email the budget details to my Traveling Partner. There’s no particular stress to the day, so far. Hell, I’m not even in much pain; it seems very manageable so far. The sun continues to rise, and the buildings beyond the office reflect the golden glow and hints of orange and pink. Beautiful. I take a minute to enjoy it, before I sit down to write a few words.

It’s a Friday. I find myself missing my Traveling Partner greatly this morning, and wishing perhaps that I’d worked from home, but we’d discussed that yesterday evening, and he expressed a desire to make the day a quiet one, healing and resting, and to support that endeavor, I committed to the commute and the day in the office. Maybe a short one? I’d love to get the weekend started and get out in the garden again, or try a trail I’ve never walked before, or just… drive somewhere far. lol That restless nature nagging at me in the background almost makes me giggle – I’d be satisfied to spend the day in my studio, on an artistic journey, and as that thought crosses my mind, I realize that this is what I’m yearning for – some creative time in my own head, whether writing, or painting, or in the garden. Well, the weekend is here, and that’s easily done. I just have to begin again. 😀

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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gardening, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Roses, solo hiking, Spring, The Art of Being, turning 60, weight loss secrets, winter

Humans Are the F*ing Worst

February 14, 2024 //
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I glare at my iced coffee for a moment. It’s a half-assed attempt at iced coffee, really, and I’ve already had enough coffee this morning. Still, I had a full cup of still very frozen ice, so I made a cup of strong coffee, let it stand until it was lukewarm, and then poured it over the ice. Simple enough. I haven’t even taken a sip of it yet, so I’m not sure why I made it.

The commute in was… fine. Traffic was light. Most of the people on the road drove safely, purposefully, and at the posted speed limit (maybe a couple miles per hour over it). It was fine. The few exceptions tended to be timid drivers staying in the right lane of two available lanes, and the occasional agro ass-clown driving so significantly over the speed limit as to be setting themselves up as “jack rabbits” – targets of attention making it possible for everyone else to just relax and drive knowing that asshole will be the one getting the ticket, if anyone does. Humans being human.

Human beings lie. Human beings cheat. Human beings act based on greed and entitlement. Human beings lash out violently in anger or based on a subjective feeling of having been transgressed upon. Human beings abandon children. Human beings bomb civilians. Human beings commit acts of violence against other human beings they claim to love. Human beings steal. Human beings attempt to stack the deck in their own favor without regard to the consequences to other human beings. Human beings rationalize and justify their worst behavior with convenient half-truths and bullshit. Human beings are too stupid to refrain from destroying the one planet they live on.

…Human beings are the fucking worst…

We could each (and all) do so much better than we commonly do. Just saying. Do better.

Yes, me too. Yes, you too. Yes, them over there? Them too. 100% of everyone could do better, I feel fairly certain, with the one possible exception of… babies. They’re doing their best every day just developing their cognitive skills, their sense of self and place in the world, and their ability to communicate – maybe help them out with that, and while you’re at it? Teach them ethics and critical thinking skills. Help them growing up knowing to do better – and knowing how.

…I make that sound so easy, right? lol I know, I know – how the fuck do we teach what we clearly don’t know? Tough one. Good luck. I know you’ll do your best, if it matters to you at all. Maybe it doesn’t matter to you? (See “human beings are the fucking worst”, above – I won’t be surprised if it doesn’t matter to you.)

G’damn that cup of iced coffee seems so unappealing now. Why did I even make that? I sigh out loud and wonder why I am in such an irritable mood? Decent commute. Even got to see my Traveling Partner (awake, I mean) and say good morning, and enjoy a kiss before I left for work. I’ve got this quiet, pleasant, comfortable space to work in, that even has a pleasing view of the park on the other side of the street. I’ve got a lot to be grateful for. I drive a car I like. The bills are paid. I have a job I enjoy and coworkers who are skilled and pleasant to work with. The weather has been mild. I’m not in too much pain to manage it today. So… wtf? Why this sour mood? 

I watch the sky slowly changing from the dark of night to the paler, bluer shades of morning-yet-to-come. All the ingredients of a lovely morning, but… here I am. My tinnitus is crazy loud this morning. My headache is… bad. Could be enough to wreck my generally jovial outlook, I suppose.

…On the other hand, human beings actually are the fucking worst, and isn’t that enough to make anyone irritable?

I finally take a sip of my coffee. It’s cold. It’s… coffee. It’s fine. I mean… it’s bitter, and not a great cup of coffee, but if it were my first, I’d be totally okay with it and probably find it entirely unremarkable, mostly. Probably wouldn’t complain about it at all. The complaining isn’t to do with the coffee, I recognize, it’s to do with the complainer – me. The human in the room. Like I said, we’re the fucking worst. lol It’s kind of a shame we’re what became the species acting as steward of this planet. We’re not very good at it, and we bitch about dumb shit way too fucking much.

I didn’t sleep well. Weird dreams. I went to bed at more or less my usual time, and woke shortly afterward from a nightmare that there was a spider in my CPAP mask (there wasn’t, but I did have to wake up and actually check). Later I had a nightmare that I’d forgotten all my passwords and none of them were saved. Later still, I had a nightmare that my Traveling Partner was… gone… and I was alone, penniless, unemployed, and quite old. I woke feeling chills all over, tears pouring down my face, and shivering from imagined cold in a room that was quite a comfortable temperature. (I was super glad to see my Traveling Partner awake in the living room when I got up!) Maybe the difficult night is the source of my poor mood? I guess that makes some sense.

Dreams are dreams, and emotions are not realities. I breathe, exhale, and relax, and work on letting all that go. It’s a new day. There were no spiders in my CPAP mask. My passwords are saved and I do remember those that I need most often, without difficulty. My Traveling Partner is very much a part of my life and I’m eager to see him at the end of the day. I’m alone, for now, but only because I am in this quiet work space, quite a bit earlier than my colleagues tend to start their days. As for being “old”, that’s pretty fucking subjective; I am the age I am. I don’t feel particularly young, but neither do I feel “old”. I’m somewhere in the middle. You know, like… literally “middle-aged”. LOL I shrug off the lingering affect of my poor night’s sleep… and begin again. 😀

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Despair, Fiction, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, loneliness, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, turning 60, War and News of War, winter
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