I’m sipping my morning coffee and reflecting on recent thoughts after a lovely early morning walk. I hit the trail shortly before sunrise, in the pre-dawn twilight. It was chilly, but I knew hot coffee would be waiting for me on the other side.
The starting point of a favorite trail.
I walked, alone with my thoughts, watching the slow changes as dawn unfolded into a new day. I watched an interestingly apropos video yesterday evening, and I thought about the insights shared. Aside from the Autumn chill, it was a lovely morning for walking.
I returned home after a time, and got myself sorted out to commence the work day. My coffee was already made, and waiting for me. My Traveling Partner, awake when I got up, had returned to bed to get some more sleep. I quietly headed to the studio – my office – and set up for work, managing to do so without disturbing my partner’s rest, apparently, and I contentedly listen to him snoring softly on the other side of the wall adjacent to the bedroom. I feel contented and relaxed. No idea what the remainder of the day will hold, but this bit right here? Quite lovely and peaceful.
I sigh contentedly, sip my coffee, and start the work day.
I do like shit that’s easy. Just something about that experience; it feels like competence. Rewarding. Satisfying. Sometimes things just aren’t “easy”. Sometimes they are. I am not completely unaware that the easy wins are a bit misleading… they just also feel good, and sometimes I can use an easy win! 😀
The robot vacuum meets mixed media art supplies.
I got an annoyed ping from my Traveling Partner during the work day yesterday. The robot vacuum got a hold of some art supplies, one or two strands of which were apparently left trailing on the floor carelessly when I “cleaned up” after my day in the studio over the weekend. She choked on the strands, wound them all around all her rollers and wheels, and “yelled for help”. My irked partner took a picture, sent that my way, and included a stern “this is your mess, you fix it” sort of message. It looks bad, right?
I got home feeling almost eager to tackle this “problem”… I find most sorts of vacuum cleaner repair scenarios stupidly easy, from growing up not-quite-middle-class, and being the kid in the family most likely to have to vacuum as a chore. I’ve taken apart quite a few vacuum cleaners over the years, and fixed most of them – and I only ever smashed one! 😀 So, I got home, changed into clothes that I would not mind getting sort of gross and dusty (not knowing how bad it would be) and got to work. No, I’m not going to describe the entire process (file under “trade secrets” lol) – but I was done in minutes, and so caught up in the process that I ended up doing some basic servicing of the wheels and rollers “while I was at it” – being the long-haired family member, it only seems fair that I also take care of the hair that gets wound around the wheels of the vacuum, right?
The repair work felt easy. It got done without any swearing or frustration. It felt really good to feel skilled at such a practical thing. The whole thing tended to make just about everything else in life seem suddenly… do-able. Manageable. Achievable.
I needed that win.
It won’t always be easy…but sometimes it will. Don’t overlook the win, just because it was easy. Take it. Enjoy it. Celebrate it. It’s still a win.
I’m thinking about the shitty weekend that is now behind me. I’m thinking about progress over time and results, both successes and failures. It’s kind of a deep dive on particulars, and maybe “TMI”. Feel free to skip it.
I’m sipping my coffee, which is quite dreadful this morning, and sort of “giving myself a report card”, because it’s true that without reflecting on outcomes, managing change becomes more a matter of surfing the waves of circumstances and less like working towards goals. So… I think about my “Big 5” relationship values (which I set down “on paper” back in 2013) – how am I doing there? I’ll use traditional US primary school letter grades. 🙂
Respect – I’ll give this one a D, I guess. I could for sure do a lot better. I talk over my partner a lot, and even though it’s a brain injury thing, it’s still rude and causes hurt feelings.
Reciprocity – I’ve got to give myself an F here; I suck at personal boundary setting and speaking up when I need help, and the result is that I often take more on myself than I can live up to, and then struggle to manage my resentment. It creates a mess that would be so much more easily managed if I ask for help when I need it, and say “no” when I’m not up to handling some task or another.
Consideration – I get a B on “consideration”, I think – and I’m “taking points off” because I sometimes go a bit overboard, such that I fail to also consider myself, or create an uncomfortable circumstance where my partner may be unintentionally maneuvered into “taking advantage of me”. My heart is in the right place, my execution needs some work – as does my boundary-setting.
Openness – Another F. I’ve been more and more withdrawn, lately, even as my partner gives me more opportunity to open up. It’s damaging for our ability to create intimacy, and may be a byproduct of feeling small or inadequate in our relationship.
Compassion – I’ll give myself a C here. I could do better. I definitely feel the feeling, but I often struggle to express it sufficiently well.
Shit. That was unexpected. I thought I’d get better grades… What about personal values like:
Perspective – I gain it. I lose it. It’s pretty inconsistent, and also pretty high on my list of important things, so… a C?
Sufficiency – I’ll give myself a A on this one. I do pretty well at living this value these days. That feels good. Room to improve? For sure – still human, still prone to greed, envy, lust, yearning… room to do better.
Authenticity – I’m going to give myself a D here. More and more lately I’ve been feeling compelled to “put a good face on things” in spite of clear signs that I’m struggling with… something… even if it’s just aging/menopause/human b.s., there’s legit self-harm in being inauthentic, especially in an intimate relationship.
Frankness – Funny/not funny. I’d have given myself an A+ on this, almost reflexively, even a few weeks ago, but I’m forced to admit I’ve been working so hard on not just blurting out whatever the fuck is on my mind for so long now that I’ve gotten pretty good at not doing that. With my more recent growing sense that my partner wishes I would just shut up (I don’t think that’s actually true, it’s just an emotional experience), I’ve gotten increasingly unlikely to be very frank and direct with him. I get an F.
Kindness – Shit. Wow. So… I have a kind heart. A+ there, but… my Traveling Partner was super clear with me this weekend that he feels that I routinely treat him unkindly, and he’s hurt by that (obviously, who wouldn’t be?). And also? My chronic negative self-talk? Yeah. Failing grade here: F. That stings a bit. I can do better.
Fuck. What the hell, man…? How about application of the Four Agreements?
Be Impeccable With Your Word – well shit. Seeing a D grade for Authenticity, and an F on Frankness… an F on Kindness… a D for Respect, and an F on Openness? Sounds like a big failure here, too. F.
Don’t Take Anything Personally – Omg. I take so much shit so personally. My Traveling Partner has his own issues. Too often I look right past the love to the issue he’s struggling with himself that has nothing whatever to do with us, or love, and I take it so very personally. F.
Don’t Make Assumptions – I’m pretty good here. Not perfect. Not great. Better than average, I think… so… a B? Sometimes in a bad moment, I trip myself up with this one, but generally I do okay to check myself (and my assumptions).
Always Do Your Best – I’m going to give myself a C here. I could do my best, better, more often, I think. Sometimes I don’t do my best at doing my best. Pretty average.
Shit. For real? And those relationship items I touched on yesterday? How about those? Where I am “at” right now?
Active interest in my partner’s life? Definitely. Very much so. But… am I communicating that skillfully? No. No, I’m definitely not. My self-care failures are getting in my way rather badly, and I end up being terse, distracted, or disengaged when I mean to be attentive and curious. D.
Aware of my “attachment style” and working to develop a healthier attachment style? Um… F. This was barely even on my radar until a few days ago. I’ve got a ton of work to do here.
Embracing healthy conflict, and not “fighting” (working as a team to solve problems)? Omg. I’m conflict avoidant AF – and in a very unhealthy way. It would not be an exaggeration to say I am inclined to literally run from conflict. I’m terrified by expressed anger (especially by male partners), and struggle to manage my PTSD when conflict develops as a result. F.
Open to discussing, facing, and resolving big fears and issues, not just small ones? I mean… in principle, sure, but… see item 3. I’m so conflict avoidant in the context of intimate partnerships that trying to bring up a concern with me has real risk of provoking a fight or a “meltdown” of some kind. I am not good at this. I want to be good at this, but my skills are wholly undeveloped, and I’ve been badly hurt in earlier relationships – there’s a lot of ancient pain, and emotional scars. Another F.
Supporting my partner without scorekeeping? This is a weird one. I definitely “get it” intellectually and emotionally. I understand why scorekeeping is damaging. I have put in a lot of work to move away from this kind of damaging behavior… but I somehow find myself fairly easily provoked into one form of scorekeeping or another in moments of conflict, in spite of that. I’m giving myself a D.
Having my own identity and recognizing that my partner does as well? I’ve been struggling more with this lately; I feel “downtrodden and small”, and often feel as though my only value in my relationship is work, housekeeping, and other such practical shit. That isn’t healthy. I sometimes feel as if I am “losing myself”. I find myself wondering if this may be what is causing my bout of depression? (It’s probably at least relevant…). C- or D.
Creating emotional safe space for each other? Fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail. F. All the fucking fail sauce.
…I’m not good at relationships is apparently putting it mildly…
Fuck. That’s a lot of shit to work on… I feel grateful for my Traveling Partner’s persistence with our relationship (I’m clearly not good at this shit). I’ve definitely got room for growth and improvement, and holy shit this stuff looks hard. I’m coming up short in areas that require me to skillfully set boundaries… to ask for help… to say “no” to stuff… to speak up frankly and directly… to make room for my partner to have his own emotional experience and feel safe doing so… How am I failing so hard after so much fucking work?? Well, tl;dr – it’s a very human experience, and relationships (unlike self-work) are collaborative; his issues are my issues, mine are also his. My progress isn’t guarantee of relationship progress. These are separate things that both need attention, time, work, and real love. Commitment. Will to act. Will to change. Will to approach – and to be approachable. Fucking hell… adulting is hard.
It was a hard weekend and I’m glad it’s over. Am I inclined to just “put it behind me”? You better believe it – but doing that without doing the work needed to make things right (long-term) puts this relationship that I value at great risk of failure. That’s not at all what I want, so I guess I’ve got to dig deeper and work through my bullshit. Hopefully he’ll also be committed to doing the same; we’ve each got our share of bullshit to deal with, and we’re each “half of everything that works” (or doesn’t) in this relationship. I guess I can start by trusting love, and trusting my lover, and working on improving the shit I’m not personally doing very well. I can do better. (I’ve got a list, and plenty of verbs.)
I’ll see my therapist, talk about my depression, talk about building emotional safety in my relationship… and begin again. It’s a good place to start. Every journey has to start somewhere.
We’re more divided than ever. More diverse in the specificity of our intersecting identities. More willing than ever to set boundaries and make it a fight. We do more out grouping, in spite of being more aware that out grouping is a thing – and that it causes harm. We’re very inefficient creatures as far as making social progress that benefits us all, are we not?
So… What do you really stand for? Whose side are you really on? In life? In love? When you “take a side”, are your eyes on a shared win for humanity – or are you hoping to “win an argument”, based on individual values, special interests, or some particular selected weird bit of dogma that you’ve become fixated on, or perhaps adopted when you were so young you mistake it for “natural law”? I mean, we’re all human, our biases are very real, and our cognition has legitimate limitations and… quirks. We aren’t even all reliably decent people (still people, though). It’s not just about global conflict – it gets right down to individual relationships. We’re human.
…What do human beings mean when we say “equal”, or “fair”, or “morally right”? How do we define the value of a human life – and what does it take for any one of us to turn on another human being and decide that their life lacks value? I don’t have answers to any of these questions, aside from my own answers that I trust with a certain amount of skepticism (being wholly aware how human I am, and how prone to error). I do think these are questions we should be asking, and discussing in an honest and vulnerable way, open to changing our thinking for the betterment of human kind. For the betterment of the planet, and of life itself. Yeah, and as individuals, too.
I was reading an article recently, about healthy relationships (I have to work at mine, in spite of our deep love for each other; love doesn’t come naturally to me, I think). The article identifies some things that I hadn’t thought about in quite the way they suggest – I won’t break it all down, because you’ll no doubt have your own thoughts, but these things seem worth considering necessary in a healthy relationship – and I suspect this applies to how we relate to “people” more broadly, too:
You’re actively interested in each other’s lives.
You’re aware of your “attachment style” – and what other attachment styles exist, and how those function – and you’re working to develop a healthier attachment style, yourself.
You don’t avoid conflict, but you don’t “fight” – you work as a team to solve problems, and achieve suitable compromise when necessary.
When you address conflict, you’re open to discussing, facing, and resolving big fears and issues, not just small ones.
You support each other without scorekeeping.
You have your own identity and understand that other’s do, too.
You create emotional safe space for each other and hold space for growth and change over time.
Incomplete work-in-progress. “Toxicity”, 11″x14″ acrylic mixed-media on canvas
Hmm. I sit with my afternoon tea and a half-finished painting in progress (a mixed-media trauma portrait), long overdue to be completed. It’s been holding me back now for… almost 8 years. Has it been so long? Wow. Too long to let pain fester. She smirks back me as I work, but her gaze is less commanding as I work out my hurt, my anger, my aggression, my doubt, my sorrow… a brush stroke here, a small bit of story-telling debris inserted into gel medium over there, another touch of glow… I smile to myself. This feels good. I don’t have words for this – but I have paint and canvas, and time to begin again.
I sip my tea and reflect. I watch the paint dry and consider the next step – like spell-casting or prayer, this is heart-felt work, and my heart feels it. I feel heard. I feel inspired.
…I’m out of small canvases. LOL
I think about my most important relationships over the years, and how I fit into those. Where I got something right. Where I clearly got it wrong. Where my nature and my character put things right… where they contributed to how wrong things were. Where wanting things to be “easy” made it so much harder to build a healthy relationship. Where my chaos and damage broke things down. Where it wasn’t that at all, but I still got it so very wrong. It’s a lot to take in, but… isn’t love worth the work?
I don’t need to take sides, I’m not arguing. I sip my tea, breathe, and begin again.
I woke early. It’s a Sunday. I had hoped to sleep in, but it’s not that day, not that experience.
I somehow managed to “psychically wake up” my Traveling Partner although I was sleeping in another room. (I honestly just don’t know how I woke him, but he turned up to tell me that I had done so within seconds of me sitting up to acknowledge a new day. “Psychically” covers it as well as anything else for now.) I dress and head out for a walk, hoping he can get some more rest. I choose a favorite trail that’s a bit of a drive to get to; it prolongs my time out of the house.
… It’s a lovely misty morning for a quiet marshside walk. I get back to the car too early to head straight home; if my partner is sleeping, I want to be sure he gets more than an hour of napping! Good time to jot down a few words.
An Autumn Sunday
My plan is to return home, make coffee, and spend the day creatively (and doing laundry, and tackling some outside chores that should not take long). I’m specifically so very hungry to be painting, and shit just keeps getting in the way. Some days it just feels like “everyone wants a piece of me” and there’s nothing left for me at the end of the day… Or week. Routine chores and practical shit that just has to get done uses up most of my time and attention, leaving me too tired physically to then also paint. Time taken in the studio often feels like time taken away from my partner. I could do better. I need to do better. Painting is, for me, both a form of communication and a form of self-care and I am failing myself on this pretty seriously.
I sit with my thoughts and half an eye on the clock.
What an emotionally difficult weekend this has been. I meant to spend most of it painting and loving my partner. I managed to fail on both of those intentions pretty notably. Tears well up when I acknowledge that for myself, but they don’t fall. I take a deep breath and exhale. Another chance to begin again. G’damn we said some pretty awful things to each other. That saddens me. I know I can do better.
So, it’s another day, another chance to be the woman I most want to be, another opportunity to choose my adventure and walk my own path. Adulting is hard, but I know what I want out of my day, even if I am not entirely sure which verbs are most likely to get that result.
Evening Light 