Saturday morning. I was up a little later than has tended to be my long-time wake up time. Have I successfully reset that by an entire hour? Promising.
I sit for a moment in the warmth of my Traveling Partner’s pickup, thinking about the many things I have changed over the years, with patient practice and persistence. Incremental change over time is slow, but effective. I’m not much like that woman I was at 40. I’ve come a long way on this path I have chosen. I think about my beloved, and this relationship that has seen (and nurtured) so much of my growth. I smile. I’m grateful and fortunate.
The rain was falling before I got to the trailhead. I sit waiting for the sun and a break in the rain. Oh, for sure I’ll set off down the trail and most likely the rain will start falling again. That’s the way of things, isn’t it? It’s not generally helpful to get stuck on some one plan or set of circumstances; change is.
What love looks like may vary.
A couple days before Valentine’s Day, my Traveling Partner had given me a packet of adorable stickers – so many! They delight me. Yesterday, hanging out and watching a favorite show at the end of the evening, he went to the door (unexpectedly, from my perspective) and returned with a playful demeanor, opening a package. More stickers!! I smile every time I think about them this morning. We shared going through them one by one, delighting in the ones most meaningful or cutest to one or the other of us. Sooo many stickers. I feel very loved and visible. Understood. What a rare and beautiful feeling.
Even after I’d called it a night, I couldn’t stop looking at them, astonished by my Traveling Partner’s love for me.
Can love be measured in stickers?
The rain continues to fall. I sit listening to it, feeling loved, and merry. The unit of measure is unimportant, it could be heartbeats, kisses, stickers, or even raindrops. I am grateful to be so well loved. I think of my beloved sleeping at home. I hope he gets the rest he needs and wakes feeling wrapped in all the love I feel for him. It’s a lot. We’re fortunate to have each other. (We also work at love, together, because it matters. What could be more worthy of that effort?)
I think I may paint today, or perhaps relax with my book, reading by the fireplace… It’s almost time to begin again.
A new day is dawning. The morning is cold and misty. The trail is slick with lingering dampness from rain. No frost, but the winter chill reminds me how quickly conditions could become icy.
My eyes see shades of gray, the camera shows me blue hues. The oaks stand silent on the question of colors.
A mist develops, and begins to thicken and spread. Daybreak arrives with the fog. The day begins here, now. What will I do with it? One thing I won’t do with it is sit here for long minutes reflecting on life and watching the sun rise. First; it’s a foggy gray morning, and there won’t be much to see sunrise-wise. Second; it’s cold! I don’t prefer it for lingering outside, still and quiet. I’m already feeling the cold in my hands and in my bones. It’s a good morning to keep moving.
…I do like the walk through the fog, though. It brings mystery to the mundane and wonder to the familiar.
I breathe, exhale, and relax, as I stand and stretch. It’s as good a time as any to begin again. I look down the path into the fog. Where does this path lead? I’ll know when I get there, I suppose. The clock is ticking.
I slept in this morning. I kept my walk short, and spent the day at home with my Traveling Partner. It was a lovely relaxed day. I didn’t think to write; I was living my experience. lol I appreciate love. Valentine’s Day isn’t really a huge deal for either of us, although I do enjoy that there is at least this one holiday that specifically celebrates romantic sexual love. (It seems really weird that we have this whole other thing to do with children giving all their friends Valentine’s Day cards.) Today, it was nice to relax in the good company of my beloved. It wasn’t fancy – it never had to be.
I have thoughts about Valentine’s Day. I’ve shared them. I guess that all summarizes as something more or less like… love yourself, too, be there for yourself, live well – intentionally – and choose your companionship with care. It’s not about cards, candy, flowers, destinations, gifts, or spending money. It’s the love that matters. Celebrate that every day! 😀
It’s already night. Evening passed quietly. I was about to crash for the night, and realized I hadn’t written today, which is quite odd. I’m not bothered by it, at all, this isn’t a forced routine, and any requirement that might exist would be my own. I have no such firm requirement, I just happen to have a gentle routine that suits my nature, presently. I generally write in the morning, but… I nearly always have words. lol Time of day isn’t an important detail; I can begin again any time.
So I write a few words. They don’t really communicate the joy and peace of the day. It’s been quite lovely. I’m sure it helped to have gotten such a good night’s sleep last night – 10 hours of deep sleep. It was wonderful! It’s a three day weekend – maybe I’ll sleep in again tomorrow? I won’t do anything to make that less likely. I breathe, exhale, and relax.
I reach my halfway point on this local trail at dawn. The sky is just beginning to lighten. I turn off my headlamp and have a seat on the bench that is conveniently here. Truth is, this is my “halfway point” specifically because of the bench. It’s actually a little further than halfway. The morning is quiet. This new day is still more darkness than daylight. It’s early, but not particularly cold (40F/4.4C). The forecast says rain later, and my arthritis agrees.
I sit quietly awhile, without writing, breathing in the moment. It’s enough as it is: complete, quiet, serene, and mine.
My beloved Traveling Partner gave me some really cute stickers as a sweet token of his affection evening before last, and some cute Bubu & Dudu charms for my computer monitor. Last weekend, he got me a delicious little cake that caught my eye during a rare moment craving chocolate. It was delightful!
Love takes many forms.
(So many forms.)
We don’t tend to make a big deal of Valentine’s Day. But… I’d like to get him a little something. I don’t know what. Considering his sweetness this year, I probably should have been thinking about it sooner. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. 😆
A small herd of deer ambles by, single file, staying on the trail. Each eyes me curiously as they pass, unconcerned. I sit quite still to avoid startling them. They pass by so near to me I could reach out and touch them.
I sit with my thoughts awhile longer. No reason to rush through the moment. Savoring pleasant moments is a way to slow that ticking clock a little bit. Present, aware, and enjoying the moment as it is, time really does seem to slow down. I breathe, exhale, and relax. Taking time to meditate each morning does a lot to set up the day to be a good one. Later, coffee, work, people…all of it. For now, this quiet solitary moment. It’s enough.
I sigh softly, contentedly. I’ve got a three day weekend ahead. I haven’t made any plans. My Traveling Partner has mentioned wanting to get away for a day or two himself, if he finds himself feeling up to it. I smile, thinking about the care I’ve taken with his truck while my car is in the shop. I remembered to fill the tank this morning, too. It’ll be ready for him if he should choose to take off for a day or two.
The prematurely mild weather keeps bringing my thoughts back to camping, but realistically I’m pretty miserable camping in cold (even chilly) weather. I definitely prefer nighttime lows to be above 55F (12.7C). I can wait.
I bring myself back to this moment, here, now. Sunrise is still a way off, but there’s enough light now to see the trail without my headlamp. This seems as good a time as any to begin again.
I woke rather oddly thinking I was already awake, and uncertain how I “suddenly ended up” horizontal, wrapped in a comforter, on a soft surface, when I’d been contentedly seated at my desk, drinking coffee and writing – “finishing my book” – happy to be done with it. It was an odd sensation. For some minutes, the phrases I’d been typing (in my dream) were still lingering in my thoughts, becoming a sense that it would be a good topic to write about, and slowly dissipating from my recollection as dreams generally do.
Now, I’m up, out of the house, sitting with a cup of coffee and my thoughts, on a chilly Thursday. It’s not cold. 40F (4.4C) – so relatively mild for February. The whole season has been “relatively mild” in this location, although elsewhere, in many places, blizzards rage and snow piles up. I hope you are safe and warm, wherever you may be. I sip my coffee wondering how bad the fire season will be this year, having so little rain over the autumn and winter months, and so little snow in the higher elevations. Today’s forecast was precise as to temperature and quite accurate, but the car was frosted over in spite of the mild temperature. The morning manages to feel like it’s almost winter. Early Spring? Late autumn? The seasons “don’t feel quite right” anymore. I fear we’ve broken our planet beyond repair. This does not bode well for humanity, nor for many other creatures whose lives depend on climate. Scary. I’m no expert, and I’m not interested in succumbing to this or that whispered conspiracy, I just see what I see, and live my experience; this very mild winter can be expected to be followed by a difficult summer of wildfires dotted around the state. I’ll have to be very careful when and where I camp this summer, and plan on closely monitored very contained cooking fires (I like my Jetboil best).
I remind myself not to forget coffee!
I sigh to myself. I miss being out in the trees, listening to birds and chipmunks and forest breezes, and watching the sun rise and set filtered through trees that have seen more years than I have myself. I don’t have to wait on camping… I could drive out into one of several large wilderness areas and be among those trees in less than an hour, being fortunate to live approximately midway between the coast and Mt Hood National Forest. The thought jolts me back to this moment; today I have to take my car to the body shop to have the damage done on New Year’s Eve (day) repaired. I won’t have my Mazda for some little while. Weeks maybe? Days definitely. My Traveling Partner graciously offers me the use of his truck in the meantime, and it’s a dream to drive (so much so that I’m planning to buy that make of SUV to replace my Mazda when the time comes). So, today I’ll drop off the car, and he’ll pick me up in the truck. The work day will bookend that errand, and for the most part life will be remarkably unchanged – except tomorrow morning when I step out of the house and am reminded that my car is gone. I’m sure I’ll forget, until I see it missing. lol Very human.
Life is filled with adventure – and misadventure. Choices. Opportunities. Change. Getting hung up on some particular detail is often a poor choice. Mostly the details don’t matter to anyone else; they are having their own experience. We’re all in this together, in a grander sense, though we regularly forget that and start giving people on hard times side-eye, like we have never struggled, or fallen on hard times, or failed to choose wisely. Human beings can be jerks. We like to talk about “pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps” in spite of the practical matter that every one of us relies upon others, depends on others, and probably wouldn’t survive long isolated and utterly alone (think “no internet”, “no credit cards or banking system”, “no infrastructure”…). If you’re feeling quite smugly independent about your individual success, I’d like to point out that the infrastructure, delivery systems, and basic building blocks of your experience are not things you did “all by yourself”. lol
I sip my coffee and smile to myself. The morning feels relaxed and peaceful, and I realize one reason why that is; there is no background music playing this morning in this chain coffee shop. One less bit of noise to filter out as I sip coffee and consider life, this moment, and this woman that I most want to be. Nice morning for it. Chilly, though. I’m grateful for this hot coffee. I’m not too proud to drink branded industrial chain coffee from a Big Coffee Chain Cafe in my neighborhood. lol I don’t necessarily prefer it. I’m that coffee drinker who prefers carefully brewed freshly ground coffee from estate-grown varietal beans imported from the cradle of civilization…but will most definitely lick the bitter dregs out of a packet of instant coffee moistened with a tablespoon of tepid water rather than go without. LOL I have abruptly returned home from a camping trip I was excited about – broke camp and returned home less than 24 hours into it, after driving hours – over forgetting to bring coffee!
…Would I survive without coffee? Sure. Getting past the first few deeply irritating days without would be annoying, but I’d survive – I just don’t want to. I recognize that this is characteristic of addiction. I’m grateful it’s just coffee.
I breathe, exhale, and relax. I consider logging into work tools and beginning that part of my day a little early, but I don’t have to; this moment is mine. I smile to myself happily. Nice moment, this. I sip my coffee and enjoy that feeling. So much less anxiety this morning. Like… none. I slow down and appreciate that, for what it is. I’m grateful. I’ve endured much over the past two years, and it’s been harder than I imagined it could be, and I’ve done more/better with most of it than I would have expected myself to be up for. Things are turning a corner. Change is. Hard times come and go. This too will pass. Impermanence is a characteristic of life – even our human lives, however much control we seek to exert over events. I don’t necessarily like that – I’m a big fan of stability and comfort and ease – but reality does not care about my preferences, and having an easy life was unlikely to turn up in the hand I was dealt; the odds were poor (still are for me, and for most human beings). I’m okay with “okay”. I’m grateful for my good fortune in life, wherever it finds me. Enough really is enough, although I sometimes have to pause and consider my blessings, and take a moment to be aware (again) of how fortunate I truly am. (Like anyone, I find a stupid about of bullshit to bitch about rather pointlessly some days.)
Walking my own path, one step at a time.
Crazy world we are living in right now, eh? There’s a lot of terrible stuff going on here in the US and in the world. What we say about it matters. What we do about it matters more, if we can be moved to action. Heroes will rise. Villains will fall. I feel hopeful this morning (probably because I am not looking at the news). I breathe, exhale, and relax, and prepare to begin again.
Evening Light 