Archives for category: Practices

Short walk. My ankle aches. My back aches. My head aches. It’s okay, it’s physical pain, and aside from that the morning is a pleasant one. I sit listening to the sound of distant traffic through the buzz and whine of my tinnitus. The sky is a threatening assortment of stormy clouds, blues and grays, but the forecast has no rain in it, just a summer warning about heat and wildfires.

No rain expected today.

I sit quietly with my thoughts. Another work day. Weirdly, I simultaneously feel surprised that it is “already Wednesday”, and also annoyed that “it’s only Wednesday”. lol Human primates are hilarious and not wholly rational about such things. Time is kinda “made up” anyway; there’s only “now“. I chuckle, entertained by my own foolishness. It’s that kind of morning.

We’re seriously the sort of creatures that would think up some dumb shit like this. 🤣

I catch myself picking at my cuticles and make myself stop. I watch the clouds move sluggishly across the sky, colors shifting as the unseen sun rises. The leaves and branches of the trees within view are tossed on a lazy breeze that I don’t feel.

… I remind myself to go by the store on my way home, later…

I had the trail to myself. The park is still deserted. It’s just me, here, on a quiet morning. On the other side of the vineyards adjacent to the park, migrant workers are already working. I wonder to myself who would do all the agricultural work, if we stopped allowing migrant workers to come here for that purpose? I don’t know many people willing to work that fucking hard for so little pay. Another solution would be to pay farm workers a living wage… But I don’t know many people who could afford what groceries would cost then, and I am damned sure the big food conglomerates aren’t going to trim back their profits. It’s a hell of a problem. I think about it pointlessly for some minutes. I have no solutions to offer.

… Human greed is some ugly shit…

My mind wanders this morning and I don’t make any particular effort to be more disciplined. I sit quietly and let the thoughts pass through my awareness without interfering. (Breathe.) It feels good to enjoy the stillness. (Exhale.) These few solitary moments are so precious. (Relax .) I savor the quiet time alone with my thoughts. I try but fail to recall quite when my tinnitus developed and when it became so bad… I feel certain I didn’t have it as a child. I definitely had it when my Traveling Partner and I got together. My outburst of laughter makes me choke on my coffee – that’s “only” a span of some 35 fucking years or so to sift through! lol

… The clock ticks on…

Things are starting to settle down at home.  The Anxious Adventurer is moved in. The household is pretty much restored to order. New routines are beginning to develop. I feel genuinely comfortable with taking a couple days away for myself, knowing my injured Traveling Partner won’t be alone. 11 days? 11 days left to wait. I’m counting them down. I’m excited to spend some time alone with my thoughts and my pastels and see what comes of it.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s an ordinary enough Wednesday, and a pleasant summer morning. I don’t need much more than this; it’s enough. I glance at the time and think briefly of work. It’s not yet time…soon though. Another day, another beginning, another opportunity to be the human being I most want to be.

… Another chance to begin again.

Yesterday was a good day, pretty much from the time I woke until I went to bed. I enjoyed the day, my work, and the companionship of my Traveling Partner. I sit with the recollection of my experience for a few moments, at the halfway point of my morning walk.

Today starts well, though I woke with a headache after a difficult night. My sleep was interrupted by my Traveling Partner’s restlessness. I had no difficulty returning to sleep, but I woke often, and when the night finally gave way to a new day, I woke feeling groggy and stupid. S’ok. It’s fine. I’m fine.

I stepped through my morning routine in much the same dogged persistent fashion as I later stepped down the trail; one foot after the other. It’s a practice. A process. If I just keep at it, eventually I get somewhere. In a few minutes, my steps will take me back up the trail to the truck (I offered the Anxious Adventurer the use of my car for work on these hottest days, since his has no AC), and then on to work. I yawn and rub my eyes. I still don’t feel quite awake yet, in spite of the sunshine making my eyes water when I carelessly look too closely at it.

… Sometimes persistence is more useful than enthusiasm…

I sigh to myself. I glance at the time, and count the days until my coastal getaway…12 days… I watch the shadows shift as the sun rises. Pretty morning… I guess I will get on with the day. Feels like a good time to begin again.

Another summer morning, another opportunity to be the person I most want to be.

This content is 100% written by a human being. No AI tools are used by the author. The writing is inspired by lived experience, most of it explicitly my own. Some of it is inspired by the observed or considered experiences of others. Hell, I barely pay any mind to readily available spelling or grammar checking tools, preferring to carefully review and correct my own writing, even at the very real cost of missing mistakes that then make it to the published work. lol (And still generally manage to be better grammatically than quite a lot of AI generated garbage being promoted as “news” online!)

I’m just making a point to confirm that I am 100% made of live, real, pure human, with all the flaws and raw emotion that implies. I have no plans to change that, ever; I don’t personally prefer AI generated content, whether written, or artistic. It isn’t even about that fundamentally aesthetic preference, though. What could AI have to say, in any useful way, about the lived experience of human emotion, of surviving trauma, or details like the taste of coffee, or the sight of a sunrise? It’s way outside the “comprehension” of an algorithm, however complex, and as of 2024, what we all seem so eager to call “AI” is not “intelligent”; it lacks cognition and comprehension. AI can not understand.

…No, I am not an expert in AI. I’m a human being with an entirely other skill set, professionally. I can read, do have cognitive abilities and consciousness, and pretty good reading comprehension, and having made a point to read along and pay attention, I can summarize with clarity and simplicity (mostly). In 2024, the term “AI” is a marketing term used to generate interest (and revenue) which refers to a category of machine learning tools and algorithms which on their own are already sufficiently problematic to warrant real concern over several areas of interest. Concerns such as what role they will or should play in the workforce, and what their impact is on the copyright protections of artists and writers and creators of entertainment. We haven’t even created “real AI” yet, and we’re already in hot water of the “what have we done?” variety.

Daybreak at the trailhead.

I walk the trail with my very human thoughts, pausing now and then to make a note, before continuing. The sun rises slowly through the orange glow of the dawn. The sky becomes suffused with a lemony yellow. The summer air feels heavy and still. My tinnitus is loud in my ears. It’s a Monday, and a work day. I walk on. I think about love. I think about sex. I think about money. I think about making chicken tikka masala for dinner tonight. Human thoughts, framed in a human context. No expertise required; I’m simply living my life.

I recently heard that bot traffic is likely a larger portion of total Internet traffic these days than human traffic is. That’s a little mind-blowing and a lot disappointing. It says unpleasant things about human greed (to be fair, there’s nothing actually pleasant about human greed to be said in the first place). I figured that with that in mind, I would make a point of reassuring you that I am indeed actually human, actually writing these words, and that they are intended explicitly for a human audience having human experiences.  It may not always be reliably obvious, as time goes on, which writing online is human-authored, or which images are created by human artists. Easier to simply say so. lol

… But can you trust my words, and do you even care…?

I sigh and walk on. I’ll have to be content with living my life, writing and creating on my own terms, and enjoying the moments I’ve got. The golden sun peeks at me from between the trees as I continue down the trail. The air is already warming up. I hear the sound of distant commuter traffic, and a construction site nearby getting work started. I eventually reach a spot I like for taking a moment to sit and get my thoughts in order. It’s a lovely morning, whatever else the day may hold. A good beginning. (Sometimes a good beginning is the best I can do, and sometimes that’s enough.)

I check my writing for spelling mistakes and grammatical errors that may change the meaning of my words. I sit with my thoughts awhile before I upload my draft for publication. It feels like it’s already time to begin again… I definitely don’t know what the future holds. Mine is a very human experience.

Human primates are peculiar. I got so thoroughly involved in my delightful morning, yesterday, I completely forgot about my physical therapy appointment, which was planned to be my next stop after my walk. Instead, I went home and began enjoying my lovely morning further, with my Traveling Partner and the Anxious Adventurer. lol Costly mistake; the clinic phoned me to ask if I was “on my way”… Nope. Miles away, content at home. The caller politely reminded me I would be charged for the missed appointment. I replied that I understood and moved on with the delightful day, and spent it in relatively little pain.

It was a very pleasant and thoroughly relaxing morning. I enjoyed it. I spent much of the day exploring my new pastels, and reading, and some little bit on grocery shopping and helping my partner with this and that. I got some of the rest I have needed so badly.

Today there is laundry to do and errands to run, and housekeeping, but having some help is already significantly lightening the load and I face the day with real joy and enthusiasm. I sigh contentedly, sitting here by the side of the trail, at an”halfway point” I like that has a comfortable spot to sit down for a few minutes. The sunshine is warm on my back. The morning is mild and not yet hot, (but I can feel that it will get there again today). It’s summer, sure, but I can easily remember summers being cooler in this part of the Pacific Northwest than they tend to be now. I frown for a moment thinking about how thoroughly we’ve fucked up this planet. We could do better. It may be too late…

A beautiful morning in a beautiful place.

I think over my list of things to do and add some small tasks that make big differences. I’ve got more to offer, today, and I feel rested and strong. Funny how much difference the thought of having help makes. I don’t feel the need to plan ahead for exhaustion at the end of the day.

I sit awhile with my thoughts, watching the light through the trees change as the sun rises. I watch and wonder how I would capture the qualities of light and the various hues of green with my pastels. I feel content and centered. I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s a good beginning for a new day.

I slept well and deeply through the night. I woke some time past when I’d usually be planning to be out the door, and more than an hour later than usual. It is unusual for me to “sleep in”, and having planned to be up and out for a walk early, I rushed through waking up and getting dressed, as if trying to reestablish a sense of expected timing, though it’s Saturday and that just isn’t necessary for any reason, today.

I left the house quickly, quietly, and forgetting that I had committed to taking my Traveling Partner’s truck instead of my car, and made myself pause, double back, and grab the other keys and start the journey over again. I wasn’t at all inconvenienced by that; I’m just going up the road to get a walk in.

The drive was pleasant. No traffic. Beautiful sunrise. The sky was a luminous hazy cotton-candy pink and the mountains on the distant horizon faded into the background as the sun rose, a vibrant orange. I drove wonder-struck and carefree, happy to have this moment.

We’ve been working hard at home to get the Anxious Adventurer moved in, and things sorted out for maximum comfort and shared convenience. Yesterday’s arrival of beds (which wasn’t without mishaps) signaled the end of the most intensive work and the multitude of changes that needed a “sooner than later” approach, and the most shared focus and coordination. My Traveling Partner suggested over dinner that we all take it easy and rest and recover, this weekend. Seems wise, and I am approaching the day with that in mind.

A beautiful summer morning.

I’ve had the trail to myself this morning. Another unexpected delight. What a splendid morning! I found a pleasing spot to sit for a moment with my thoughts and write a few words. Later I’ll stop by the store on my way home. There’s no hurry. I’m relaxing and taking it easy. 😁

Sometimes life is complicated, unpleasant, difficult, and a lot to manage. Sometimes life is easy. It’s important to enjoy – and savor – those easy moments, and to “fill up” on them. Doing so makes the difficult bits a bit less difficult and less likely to be overwhelming, or feel like they are “everything”.

I smile and sigh. I’m barely aware of my tinnitus or my pain in the background. It’s a beautiful morning, and a beautiful moment. I brush the dirt off my jeans as I stand up. Time to hit “publish” on this, and walk on. It’s time to begin again.

Enjoying the moment is so worthwhile. Beginning again is so necessary.