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Waiting for the Sun

December 30, 2023 //
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It’s early. Pre-dawn. I’m waiting for daybreak at a favorite nearby trailhead on a drizzly chilly-but-not-cold Winter morning, on a Saturday morning, a day before this year ends. I enjoy walking as a metaphor for forward progress, for momentum, and for pursuing a path. Good morning for it. It’s even seeming very likely that the rain may hold off long enough to get a proper walk in without returning home quite sodden and chilled, which is a nice bonus this morning. I’d be here, now, even if conditions were colder and wetter, but I am glad the weather is relatively mild.

I rub my eyes and sip the iced coffee I picked up as I headed up the road to this place. Good morning for that too; I’d hoped to sleep quite a bit later, and I am tired. So tired. I suppose I could nap in the car until the sun peaks over the horizon… but… I’d miss watching the sunrise. lol I do enjoy a sunrise. Another beautiful living metaphor, a sunrise speaks to me of change and renewal and new beginnings, and I enjoy each one I am so fortunate to see.

… Fuck… I could be sleeping right now, though… only I’m not. Nothing much to be done about that, however , so I make the best use I can of these precious minutes of mortal lifetime to do something nice for/with myself. That’s how I find myself here on this trailhead so many mornings, waiting for the sun. I’m okay with it. I’ve waited on the sunrise for far worse reasons in this life.

This iced coffee is very good. The barista did a great job pulling the shots for it. “Shaken espresso”, but without anything to flavor or sweeten it, and no milk or cream, just coffee and ice. On a colder morning this wouldn’t be an ideal choice, because I’d want to be able to warm my hands with the cup. lol This morning it’s 48°F, and an iced coffee seems fine. I sip it contentedly, as the waning moon overhead perks through the clouds and a gentle rain spatters the moon roof of the car intermittently.

It’s a good time for meditation and quiet contemplation of the year that is almost over. It’s a good time to reflect on what has worked and what hasn’t worked so well. It’s a good time to look ahead and wonder, question, dream, and plan. Later, the sun will rise, and it will be a good time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, inspiration, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, solo hiking, The Art of Being, turning 60, War and News of War, winter

There’s Not Enough Coffee

December 28, 2023 //
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I’m already on my second coffee, and will likely have a third. Maybe a fourth. I’m so tired… There’s not enough coffee to resolve this amount of fatigue.

My Traveling Partner woke me during the wee hours. He couldn’t sleep. It was not quite 3 a.m. He was supremely frustrated with being unable to sleep, and trying anything to figure out why he wasn’t sleeping. His injury was making him uncomfortable, too, and he was clearly vexed and feeling that the lack of restful sleep would slow his recovery. Sleep isn’t easy for everyone, and it can be a tough puzzle to “figure out”. I know this first hand, and even in this very moment. Since having been awakened, I wasn’t going to find sleep easily again myself (if at all).

Hoping to minimize any further possible disruptions to my Traveling Partner’s potential to go back to sleep, I went ahead and dressed and went on in to the office. Options. (Flexible hours for the win!) Fuck, I’m so tired, though. I tried unsuccessfully to nap on a couch in the break area… strange space, uncomfortable couch, no CPAP machine, the lights and noise of the city… it wasn’t happening. So. Work, then? Work. And coffee.

…Great commute into the city, though… no traffic at all. LOL

Getting my ass up, dressed, and out of the house when my partner can’t sleep is, as he points out himself, “just a band-aid”, not really a solution. What the hell is the solution to poor quality sleep? The real answer? I don’t know; I still suffer from poor quality sleep on a regular basis – I just don’t happen to deal with snoring as the cause of that experience, nor worry that my snoring is keeping my partner awake, since I started on a CPAP machine. I’m still light and noise sensitive. I still struggle with nightmares. I still sometimes find myself wakeful during the night for no obvious reason. I still need more sleep than I find myself able to get. The only piece of the puzzle I’ve ever truly solved was eliminating my anxiety, frustration, and anger over being unable to sleep. I used to respond to lost sleep with tears and fury. Tossing and turning. Punching pillows. Restlessly banging about my living space frustratedly trying to coax myself into returning to sleep by creating more fatigue, somehow. Enacting peculiar “bed time” rituals like getting a drink of water, then going back to bed. Sometimes something worked, mostly nothing did (or does; if I’m not going to sleep, I’m not going to sleep). The stress over it made it much worse. That I was able to ease, and pretty much resolve completely. Now, when I’m wakeful, I just… am awake. I meditate. Read quietly. Maybe write. Get up and have a quiet cup of chamomile tea, perhaps. It just “doesn’t bother me” the way it used to. This was a choice built on practices, built on acceptance, and built on non-attachment. That much I managed, and it has worked nicely.

…But I don’t think that counts as a solution to poor quality sleep…

…And I really really wish I could truly help my partner resolve his sleep challenges, especially if I am any cause of those! Whether I am or not… I’d just like him to be able to get the sleep he needs to feel well and rested every day!

There are a ton of commonplace recommendations regarding sleep hygiene from any number of foundations, YouTube channels, Dr recommendations, sleep clinics, sleep-oriented businesses, and bloggers… some of them likely work for some people. All of them probably work for someone. (Chances are none of them work for everyone.) I practice many of them routinely and they have become habit for me. It helped. Stressing over the lack of sleep never helped at all, and I suspect did much to make things worse. Learning not to do that was a big deal, and it was my Traveling Partner who pushed me to do so, wisely pointing out that the stress about not sleeping was causing me to lose more sleep.

I don’t have any solutions – but I know how much sleep matters, and I know a lot of us struggle to get the sleep we need. Are you having sleep difficulties? What have you done about it? I’d be interested to know what has worked for you.

Coffee #2 is finished, and just a memory. It’s time to make a third and try to push through the fatigue on caffeine and pure persistence. It’s time to begin again.

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Categories anger, Anxiety, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Practices, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, winter

The Merriest, But…

December 25, 2023 //
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Merry Giftmas! Happy Holiday! Good morning! It’s possibly been a morning of early rising, paper tearing, excited exclamations, and eager anticipation becoming reality, already followed by a sugar crash. Even more likely if you have little ones at home. Too often we forget that the highs are often followed by the lows, that the excitement and joy and tasty holiday sweets are often followed by that annoying “sugar crash”.

I hope your morning is all bliss and joy and laughter… but… if you’re also serving up (or being served) a hearty helping of frayed nerves, cross words, or moments of stress and you find yourself struggling to manage…? You’re not alone. It’s a very human experience. I hope you find “all the right words” to sooth hurt feelings and set things right once more. I hope you take every apology offered as wholly sincere. I hope you cut yourself and your loved ones some slack; we’re all so very human.

People bring so much love and joy to their holidays, but they also bring their humanity, which is sometimes cobbled together from fragments of bullshit and baggage, chaos and damage, and maybe some actual physical pain. Give each other a minute. Let small things stay small. Try not to start shit. The love matters most. Take a breath, let it go, and begin again. 🙂

‘Tis the Season

…And Merry Giftmas to you all.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, grief, inspiration, loneliness, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, winter, Words

Having a Merry One

December 24, 2023 //
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I slept late this morning. No walk. I was up during the night, unwell (I’ll spare you the gross human details). Still, I’m awake now, and feeling pretty merry, in spite of being so recently awake that I’m still rubbing my eyes and sorting myself out. My coffee is still too hot to drink.

Banana bread in spite of pain.

Yesterday was a difficult day. I was just in so much pain doing basic things to help care for my Traveling Partner while he recovers from being injured was at the edge of what I could do at all. I rarely “feel my years” – but yesterday I felt ancient and worn. I managed to do laundry, though (and got his folded and put away where he could more easily get it, and he just couldn’t have done that for himself), and I did dishes (seems like there are always dishes to do in a household where anyone cooks). I even baked a very delicious banana bread. It was a well-spent day in my partner’s good company, generally speaking, though I was in enough pain to need to take frequent breaks from literally everything, including his company, in order to give my back or my neck a rest of the effort of … being upright. For fucks’ sake, how is that okay?? Fuck pain.

Enjoying a chill holiday is okay too.

Today is Giftmas Eve. Sure, I’m in some pain this morning, but it’s not like yesterday. Yes, I was up for an hour during the night being quite ill, but I feel like I’m over it now – and I slept quite late, and woke feeling rested. It’s nice. I may make a quick trip to the grocery store for some things I am missing from the pantry, before the day gets too far along, but the plan is to just enjoy the holiday at home with my Traveling Partner. Videos. Working on my model. Sharing each other’s good company. Dinner later, also here at home. Nothing super fancy this year, maybe stir fry, or Salisbury steak. I’m enjoying the relaxed approach to the holiday.

For now, coffee & meditation. Later, I’ll work on my Tachikoma model, and maybe bake something? Bread? I don’t know… I feel inspired to make something to share with my Traveling Partner, somehow. I could fold and put away my own damned laundry… that doesn’t sound like much fun, but I’ll be pleased to see the task completed, I know. This year I just want to enjoy my partner’s company, and share a few moments of merriment and maybe a hot-buttered rum, in the evening. All of that later… first, some quiet coffee-sipping, and thought-thinking. 😀

…Later, I’ll begin again.

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Categories Allegories, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Moments, pain, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, winter, Words

Quiet Night, Quiet Morning

December 23, 2023 //
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I slept poorly. I mean, it could have been worse, and I am adequately rested, but I woke several times to imagined noises and vague discomfort. I was up, at one point, for more than an hour, trying to ease stuffy sinuses, the result of sleeping too long on one side, with my CPAP mask pressed too firmly against my nose. I eventually woke, and got up, to head out for my walk. It was before daybreak, and I was wrong about the time by more than an hour, although I had looked at the clock when I woke. (To be fair, I didn’t have my glasses on yet.)

I sit contentedly at the trailhead waiting for daybreak. Sunrise won’t be until almost 08:00. It’s a chilly drizzly morning, and I am bundled up for the weather. My tinnitus rings in my ears noisily. The sound of my breathing is soft and steady. There’s nothing going on to remark up on, and I am quite okay with that. I use the time to meditate.

… This imperfect world… This imperfect life… I sit quietly with my thoughts. The holiday weekend begins on the other side of the walk I will shortly take. What will I do with the day? Mundane things like laundry most likely; I’m a little behind. lol It’s like that this year. Slow and easy and uncomplicated because sometimes life is hard and I need a break. I’ll enjoy the holiday with gratitude this year, and keep it small, and filled with love. That’s enough.

Also? Fuck pain. lol Just saying. I could do without that complication. In spite of that, there’s quite a lot to celebrate. I smile thinking about my Traveling Partner, at home, still asleep. I breathe, exhale, relax. I notice a small bird nestled in the top of a hedge quite near me and realize daybreak has shifted to dawn. It’s time to begin again. I grab my cane from the passenger seat… This walk won’t take itself. 🙂

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Categories Allegories, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Practices, Sleepless Nights, solo hiking, The Art of Being, winter
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