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Report Card

November 13, 2023 //
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I’m thinking about the shitty weekend that is now behind me. I’m thinking about progress over time and results, both successes and failures. It’s kind of a deep dive on particulars, and maybe “TMI”. Feel free to skip it.

I’m sipping my coffee, which is quite dreadful this morning, and sort of “giving myself a report card”, because it’s true that without reflecting on outcomes, managing change becomes more a matter of surfing the waves of circumstances and less like working towards goals. So… I think about my “Big 5” relationship values (which I set down “on paper” back in 2013) – how am I doing there? I’ll use traditional US primary school letter grades. 🙂

  1. Respect – I’ll give this one a D, I guess. I could for sure do a lot better. I talk over my partner a lot, and even though it’s a brain injury thing, it’s still rude and causes hurt feelings.
  2. Reciprocity – I’ve got to give myself an F here; I suck at personal boundary setting and speaking up when I need help, and the result is that I often take more on myself than I can live up to, and then struggle to manage my resentment. It creates a mess that would be so much more easily managed if I ask for help when I need it, and say “no” when I’m not up to handling some task or another.
  3. Consideration – I get a B on “consideration”, I think – and I’m “taking points off” because I sometimes go a bit overboard, such that I fail to also consider myself, or create an uncomfortable circumstance where my partner may be unintentionally maneuvered into “taking advantage of me”. My heart is in the right place, my execution needs some work – as does my boundary-setting.
  4. Openness – Another F. I’ve been more and more withdrawn, lately, even as my partner gives me more opportunity to open up. It’s damaging for our ability to create intimacy, and may be a byproduct of feeling small or inadequate in our relationship.
  5. Compassion – I’ll give myself a C here. I could do better. I definitely feel the feeling, but I often struggle to express it sufficiently well.

Shit. That was unexpected. I thought I’d get better grades… What about personal values like:

  1. Perspective – I gain it. I lose it. It’s pretty inconsistent, and also pretty high on my list of important things, so… a C?
  2. Sufficiency – I’ll give myself a A on this one. I do pretty well at living this value these days. That feels good. Room to improve? For sure – still human, still prone to greed, envy, lust, yearning… room to do better.
  3. Authenticity – I’m going to give myself a D here. More and more lately I’ve been feeling compelled to “put a good face on things” in spite of clear signs that I’m struggling with… something… even if it’s just aging/menopause/human b.s., there’s legit self-harm in being inauthentic, especially in an intimate relationship.
  4. Frankness – Funny/not funny. I’d have given myself an A+ on this, almost reflexively, even a few weeks ago, but I’m forced to admit I’ve been working so hard on not just blurting out whatever the fuck is on my mind for so long now that I’ve gotten pretty good at not doing that. With my more recent growing sense that my partner wishes I would just shut up (I don’t think that’s actually true, it’s just an emotional experience), I’ve gotten increasingly unlikely to be very frank and direct with him. I get an F.
  5. Kindness – Shit. Wow. So… I have a kind heart. A+ there, but… my Traveling Partner was super clear with me this weekend that he feels that I routinely treat him unkindly, and he’s hurt by that (obviously, who wouldn’t be?). And also? My chronic negative self-talk? Yeah. Failing grade here: F. That stings a bit. I can do better.

Fuck. What the hell, man…? How about application of the Four Agreements?

  1. Be Impeccable With Your Word – well shit. Seeing a D grade for Authenticity, and an F on Frankness… an F on Kindness… a D for Respect, and an F on Openness? Sounds like a big failure here, too. F.
  2. Don’t Take Anything Personally – Omg. I take so much shit so personally. My Traveling Partner has his own issues. Too often I look right past the love to the issue he’s struggling with himself that has nothing whatever to do with us, or love, and I take it so very personally. F.
  3. Don’t Make Assumptions – I’m pretty good here. Not perfect. Not great. Better than average, I think… so… a B? Sometimes in a bad moment, I trip myself up with this one, but generally I do okay to check myself (and my assumptions).
  4. Always Do Your Best – I’m going to give myself a C here. I could do my best, better, more often, I think. Sometimes I don’t do my best at doing my best. Pretty average.

Shit. For real? And those relationship items I touched on yesterday? How about those? Where I am “at” right now?

  1. Active interest in my partner’s life? Definitely. Very much so. But… am I communicating that skillfully? No. No, I’m definitely not. My self-care failures are getting in my way rather badly, and I end up being terse, distracted, or disengaged when I mean to be attentive and curious. D.
  2. Aware of my “attachment style” and working to develop a healthier attachment style? Um… F. This was barely even on my radar until a few days ago. I’ve got a ton of work to do here.
  3. Embracing healthy conflict, and not “fighting” (working as a team to solve problems)? Omg. I’m conflict avoidant AF – and in a very unhealthy way. It would not be an exaggeration to say I am inclined to literally run from conflict. I’m terrified by expressed anger (especially by male partners), and struggle to manage my PTSD when conflict develops as a result. F.
  4. Open to discussing, facing, and resolving big fears and issues, not just small ones? I mean… in principle, sure, but… see item 3. I’m so conflict avoidant in the context of intimate partnerships that trying to bring up a concern with me has real risk of provoking a fight or a “meltdown” of some kind. I am not good at this. I want to be good at this, but my skills are wholly undeveloped, and I’ve been badly hurt in earlier relationships – there’s a lot of ancient pain, and emotional scars. Another F.
  5. Supporting my partner without scorekeeping? This is a weird one. I definitely “get it” intellectually and emotionally. I understand why scorekeeping is damaging. I have put in a lot of work to move away from this kind of damaging behavior… but I somehow find myself fairly easily provoked into one form of scorekeeping or another in moments of conflict, in spite of that. I’m giving myself a D.
  6. Having my own identity and recognizing that my partner does as well? I’ve been struggling more with this lately; I feel “downtrodden and small”, and often feel as though my only value in my relationship is work, housekeeping, and other such practical shit. That isn’t healthy. I sometimes feel as if I am “losing myself”. I find myself wondering if this may be what is causing my bout of depression? (It’s probably at least relevant…). C- or D.
  7. Creating emotional safe space for each other? Fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail. F. All the fucking fail sauce.

…I’m not good at relationships is apparently putting it mildly…

Fuck. That’s a lot of shit to work on… I feel grateful for my Traveling Partner’s persistence with our relationship (I’m clearly not good at this shit). I’ve definitely got room for growth and improvement, and holy shit this stuff looks hard. I’m coming up short in areas that require me to skillfully set boundaries… to ask for help… to say “no” to stuff… to speak up frankly and directly… to make room for my partner to have his own emotional experience and feel safe doing so… How am I failing so hard after so much fucking work?? Well, tl;dr – it’s a very human experience, and relationships (unlike self-work) are collaborative; his issues are my issues, mine are also his. My progress isn’t guarantee of relationship progress. These are separate things that both need attention, time, work, and real love. Commitment. Will to act. Will to change. Will to approach – and to be approachable. Fucking hell… adulting is hard.

It was a hard weekend and I’m glad it’s over. Am I inclined to just “put it behind me”? You better believe it – but doing that without doing the work needed to make things right (long-term) puts this relationship that I value at great risk of failure. That’s not at all what I want, so I guess I’ve got to dig deeper and work through my bullshit. Hopefully he’ll also be committed to doing the same; we’ve each got our share of bullshit to deal with, and we’re each “half of everything that works” (or doesn’t) in this relationship. I guess I can start by trusting love, and trusting my lover, and working on improving the shit I’m not personally doing very well. I can do better. (I’ve got a list, and plenty of verbs.)

I’ll see my therapist, talk about my depression, talk about building emotional safety in my relationship… and begin again. It’s a good place to start. Every journey has to start somewhere.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, Healthy Living, loneliness, Love, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, turning 60, Words

For Real? Do Better.

October 14, 2023 //
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Coffee time. A Saturday morning. Strawberry yogurt. An icy glass of water after a hot soak. Feet up. Quiet moment.

…So many practices and choices have gone into creating this moment of calm, it wasn’t “effortless” in the sense that I’ve changed a lot over the years, and am now this woman in this place, having this moment…

No, I’m not going to talk about “the war”, or any number of terrible foreign conflicts going on the in world. I know they’re going on. You know they’re going on. We all know that in subtle ways we (or our government) did or did not do some thing that contributed to the environment that allowed conditions to fester until conflict erupted. So… do better. Yeah. That’s a good start. Do better. Yes, you. Me, too. Demand better choices and actions from your government, too. Speak up if you are opposed to violence. (If you’re not opposed to violence, then, um… do better. Damn. Clean up your mess.)

If you start to get the sense that I’m “selfishly” “over-committed” to my self-care lately, your perception is not incorrect, but your interpretation of my motivation could use some additional nuance and a deeper understanding. I’m a veteran. I’ve served in active conflict. I’ve participated in warfare – both of the cold variety and the other sort. I’ve done some things that have scarred me. I’ve seen some things that have traumatized me. I’ve been through some shit. I’ve seen human beings do things human beings indisputably ought not be asked to do. I’ve seen other human beings pay the terrible price. There are no “good wars”. There is no justification for the slaughter of non-combatants. Ever. At all. On anyone’s (or any god’s) behalf. So. I’m hurting right now, and often wandering about triggered and working aggressively (and silently) to manage those “invisible injuries” and their consequences. I paid a price to serve my country and found out too late that my country not only doesn’t actually care about that, but also can’t be considered a “good guy”, or just, or moral, or righteous, or even, indeed, at all careful about who they decide to kill. Gross. I want no part of it. My sanity, right now, demands that I stay focused on my self-care. That too, is sometimes difficult, and I find it hard to write without thinking too much.

Take care of yourself. These are difficult times. Hug your loved ones. Laugh with your friends. Turn off the fucking news feeds unless you truly need that information to fucking survive. “War porn” such as the continuous live coverage of battlefields is unhealthy; turn that shit off. You already know there is conflict. Let that be what it is, and give yourself a fucking break.

…Sip that hot cup of coffee (or tea)…

…Put your feet up with that book you’ve been meaning to read, and enjoy that…

…Celebrate that professional achievement you worked so hard towards…

…Phone or email or write to that far away friend you’ve been meaning to get in touch with…

…Tackle that household project you’ve had in mind that vexes you every time you walk past it…

…Breathe…

We’re such elaborate fancy “extra” creatures, we human primates, capable of so much more than we even know, and yet… we manage to avoid addressing this deeply disturbing flaw that is our capacity and tendency for violence. It’s hard to believe we struggle so much to find, create, cultivate, or appreciate peace. Please – for the survival of all of us, do something about your anger, do something about your willingness to commit to conflict, do something about your sense of entitlement, do something about your willingness to accept violence in the world – or to commit it. Please. Do better.

…Every moment that I do better at being the woman I most want to be, the world gets just a little better, too. A little more pleasant. A little kinder. A little gentler. Imagine for moment the power of a global society each and all committed non-violence… please don’t tell me it’s not possible. If that’s your first thought, my reply is that you are one reason why that may be the case. Don’t let it be the one lasting truth of humanity… that we could not refrain from slaughtering each other or lashing out in anger. What a fucking disappointment that would be, when we are clearly capable of so much more, so much better.

…This is a good cup of coffee, on a pleasant Saturday morning… I, for one, am not taking up arms against anyone else, today. No killing. No assault. Just a middle-aged suburban woman with her feet up, drinking coffee and thinking about what to do with the rest of the day.

…Soon enough it will be time to begin again…

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Categories anger, Anxiety, autumn, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, grief, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, War and News of War

Doing Better Even Though

October 6, 2023 //
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I’m sipping my morning coffee on a Friday off, and avoiding the news. I’ve got some chill lo-fi playing in the background, and my headphones on to further distance myself from the world. My Traveling Partner didn’t sleep well, and woke feeling cross with the world, so I’m distancing myself from him, too (and loving him deeply nonetheless). I’m thinking about how to best be (and become) my “best self” in spite of whatever the fuck the rest of humanity has decided to do (it doesn’t look good). How do I “do better” even though “the world” appears to be continuing to test the limits of doing worse? There are some puzzle pieces I don’t really understand how to fit together in this puzzle…

How do I persist in being authentically kind and sincerely agreeable and good-natured in the face of the potential that I may be perceived as “a doormat” – or an easy mark?

How do I set and manage reasonable boundaries – even within my closest and most intimate relationships – without causing friction or hurt feelings?

How do I speak my mind, share my truth, and discuss my own lived experience without sounding as if I am being contrary or “contradicting” someone else when they share their perception of who I am, what I think, or what I’ve experienced – and are incorrect, based on my perception and understanding of myself?

How do I enjoy my moments of joy without reservation or guilt or anxiety when someone I care for is having a shit time of things?

How do I just let go and live my life without spending time “dealing with” or struggling in the context of the expectations of others?

How do I observe the experience of others, notice their feelings, hear their words, and share space with them as beings in a considerate and respectful way without undermining my sense of self and my agency?

How do I ensure that I’m “visible” – truly being seen as the person I am, rather than some mental construct in the mind of the person I’m talking to, that has little relationship to who I am or what I think?

Just questions over coffee. The answers may be obvious to some of you; quite possibly you’ve already pieced this puzzle together. If so, I’m delighted! I know having a sense of these things as “answered questions” has the potential to make this human experience much more comfortable. I hope to get there one day, myself. 😀 In the meantime, I ask the questions, reflect on those, and perhaps one day I’ll answer them, too.

My coffee has cooled but it’s still quite satisfying, and at least for now there are still coffee beans available in the world to purchase for future such cups over which to reflect. 🙂 That’s something.

I’m in pain today. Just physical pain; it’s Autumn. I love this season, but it is a season of pain. With the rain and cooler nights comes the pain of my osteoarthritis, flaring up as the weather changes. I do my best not to take it personally (it isn’t personal), and to account for it when I take note of my mood. There’s no doubt it affects my relationships, my abilities, my “sense of things”, but I really try to limit how much my pain calls the shots in my everyday life. There’s so much living yet to do!

“Baby Love” still blooming. It’s a good day to stop to look at flowers.

…I look at the time and take another round of medication. Fuck aging. I mean… it’s tedious to take pills for pain, pills for my thyroid, pills for anxiety, pills for blood pressure, pills for a variety of aging-related health concerns… on the other hand, at least I’m getting to experience these years, and this life, and this love… I take a moment to fill up on a feeling of gratitude and appreciation. (Aging sucks, but the currently available alternative is worse. lol)

Good cup of coffee… time to begin again. 😀 It’s not like I’m going to change the world today, but I can at least do my part to make this small corner of it quite pleasant.

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Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, turning 60

TBD

September 16, 2023 //
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No title. No particular theme. I’m sipping a glass of water on a warmish summer-y evening in September. I spent most of the afternoon with my Traveling Partner, putting away some of the camping gear, pulling out other stuff, and getting my gear sorted for my camping trip next weekend. It was fun and time well-spent, together. I’m tired, now. My mind is sort of just floating through my thoughts, meandering among ideas and recollections, without any focus. I feel light-hearted, relaxed, and easy. It’s a pleasant moment. I am not quite waiting, in this moment betwixt other moments, while my Traveling Partner showers. Our plan, presently, sort of, is to go enjoy “breakfast for dinner” at a local chain breakfast place. Is that weird? I don’t know. I don’t care if it is. It’s something I enjoy.

…We may not even go, it’s that sort of very flexible afternoon, heading into evening. Could be that by the time showers are had, and clothes are changed, we’ll rather stay in and figure out something else. (I mean, I could do all the work to make breakfast for dinner at home, but doing that much work… nah. I don’t feel like doing that.)

…If we do go out, I should put on a different shirt… my worn(out) Wonder Woman tank top is not quite threadbare, but definitely lacking any newness whatever, and it’s pretty shabby. “Home clothes” for lounging and lazing, fine, but going out to dinner – even to enjoy breakfast foods – I would rather put on something a bit more “presentable”. I hear my partner step out of the shower. It’s time to begin again. 😀

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Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Closure

August 15, 2023 //
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I am sipping my coffee between calls with recruiters interested in me for one role or another. I am feeling relaxed, hopeful, and positive, but with a nagging hint of lingering anger at my former manager (over the lay-off itself and the bullshit she attempted to use to give that any sort of acceptable context that could make her “not the bad guy here”).

I’d like to let go of that anger; it’s not productive or helpful.

Over the past 11 days, I must have composed dozens of emails in my head, seeking to “have my say” or in some way exact a feeling of “closure” about being laid off. Usually this occurs in some quiet moment when I could definitely be spending my time more joyfully, but somehow find myself picking at this minor hurt nonetheless. Honestly, over a lifetime I’ve for sure survived far worse. Being laid off, in general, and this manager specifically don’t deserve another moment of my attention at this point, and certainly don’t rate being irked to the point of unhappiness at all. Yes, it was a good job, with a good company that has a good culture… but… I continue to feel more relieved than dismayed; my manager was a fucking nightmare to work with (in spite of being a generally pleasant person to interact with socially) and in less than six months it was already coloring the experience. “Unfit to lead” puts it mildly. Tales for another time, perhaps.

I sip my coffee and breathe, exhale, and relax. I don’t work for her anymore. 😀

When I find myself struggling to let go of some circumstance, event, or conversation (it’s a very human thing), it’s often the result of feeling as if something “important” has been left unsaid, or some task left uncompleted. I’m looking for “closure”.

It’s pretty human to seek closure when something falls apart. Often that’s our very human ego seeking to make ourselves properly the good guy in our own narrative, other times we’re seeking a missing apology or for someone who hurt us to “make it right” – and if that’s not going to be available, to at least exact some explicit acknowledgement of the harm done. Let’s get super real about that; we don’t always get to have closure, at all, especially if we’re insistent on the person who actually wronged us being an active participant in getting that closure. (People don’t like being accountable for the wrongs they do and the harm they cause.) Sometimes it’s helpful to have the conversation, make the attempt, and see what comes of it… other times not so much. Sometimes seeking closure just tangles us up with whatever caused our trauma in the first place, and does more damage without real benefit. Why do that?

What do to about wanting closure…?

I sip my coffee (iced this morning, mostly gone at this point and quite watered down by melted ice). I notice the small puddle of condensation that has formed on the desk around the bottom of the cup, and mop it up with a couple tissues. “Cleaning up my mess” feels like a relevant metaphor…

What would “closure” get me, in these circumstances? What am I really looking for that it feels like I’m going without? Am I wanting a “last word”? Am I hoping to change that manager’s thinking in some way? Am I feeling that human urge to “be right” – and be recognized as such? Am I just wanting to say “I saw what you did there, you didn’t get away with anything.” or “That was a dick move.”? What would the point be? What am I hoping to gain? Am I just having a private tantrum or working through the emotions of hurt and grief? I’m not sure, but I definitely won’t be attempting to act on my feelings until I answer these questions for myself in a way that feels clear and settled. (I’m not a fan of hasty decision-making, lashing out, or burning bridges, and avoid doing those things where I can.) So… in my head, I write the email sharing my thoughts – each time recognizing where my words fail me, or identifying some internal need I can entirely meet for myself without ever hitting send on an email I might later regret. The mental exercise has more value than sending the email. What I think I want to say has already changed a number of times, in some cases because my thinking has already “matured”, or new information has come to light. Sometimes I just find “better words” or a clearer way to communicate my point(s), which is a very useful means of understanding myself more deeply.

…Sometimes, I just want to hurt her because she hurt me. That’s also very human, but it’s a lot more “tit-for-tat” and petty than I prefer to be, personally. I choose a different path.

…Perspective is helpful, and I often gain perspective through self-reflection…

Other circumstances, other needs for closure; for many years my yearning for “closure” (and some kind of apology) kept me distant from my father. Many years. Decades. I can’t say I regret the distance, I got quite a lot of healing from that… but I was definitely taken by surprise when closure developed on its own, through circumstances I didn’t anticipate. I wasn’t just surprised to get closure – I was surprised that I still felt a need for it after so many years. Stranger still, now and then I find myself still yearning for closure as if I’d never had any… trauma leaves lasting damage and closure doesn’t work the way we’d like it to; it’s not magic, it doesn’t “fix everything”, and it doesn’t erase past events. It’s worth understanding (and accepting) that.

…But what to do about wanting closure…?

It’s actually possible (not easy, just possible) to give ourselves closure, absent any involvement by the person(s) who hurt us. No kidding. It’s even quite effective. (Closure – and its partner “forgiveness” – isn’t about that other person at all; it’s about us, ourselves, and how we feel.) There are verbs involved, and yeah, your results may vary, but… it’s do-able. It’s also a practice; it’s not a one-off task that one can check off a to-do list once completed. (Note: this is my practice for achieving some closure when none is offered or readily available, and should not be considered the opinion of an expert, or any sort of guarantee of success – no science behind it, no peer-review, just one woman’s approach to getting closure. It’s worked pretty well for me.)

There are some steps. (These tend to “make it look easy” due to over-simplification, but should give you an idea of how I approach it.)

  1. Understand the actual hurt I’m feeling (try to get the heart of it, in the simplest possible terms)
  2. Sort out what I want that I think will ease that hurt in some way (if anything; keep it real)
  3. Practice non-attachment, compassion, and self-compassion
  4. Look for perspective and alternate understandings of the circumstances that may provide more context (without gaslighting myself, but mindful that I can be mistaken, or lacking “all the information”)
  5. Role play the conversation as realistically as feasible (or write the letter or email – do not send!) – do it more than once, as often as needed, until it feels “said”. (Don’t get mired in this step!)
  6. Reflect on how the event that hurt me has affected me (and why), and what I can learn from it
  7. Have I grown from this hurt? How? Can I grow further? How?
  8. Give myself credit for enduring/surviving/getting over it – and for any subsequent growth or success that may have come from it.
  9. Let it go. Let them go. Walk on.
  10. See number 3, and keep practicing.

It’s not a perfect process, but it’s a useful starting point. See, the thing about closure is that it isn’t really something someone else gives us – it’s something we create, or accept, for ourselves. We have the control. We have the power. We have the words.

…We can begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, grief, Healthy Living, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5, turning 60, women
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