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Why Bother?

December 2, 2025 //
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Why bother? Why bother trying? Why bother working so hard? Why bother “fighting it”? Why bother making the extra effort to get some particular outcome? Just… why bother, at all? The shortest answer for that one that I’ve got, myself, is simply this; because I’m better than the challenge I’m faced with right now. That’s it.

Things could be worse, for just about any of us. Some momentary challenge is not enough to amount to an excuse not to make an effort to do a better job of being the person I most want to be, to live a good quality life built on healthy values lived authentically, and to just maybe also manage to be helpful, kind, encouraging, curious, compassionate, approachable, considerate, thoughtful, fair-minded, and ethical (if not every minute of every day, then doing my best to be these things in as many moments as I realistically can be)… these are all qualities I value. So… I try. I practice. I share honest insights into my challenges. I work on bettering myself and contributing positively to my household, my community, and my world, if only in some small way. I mean, seriously? I’m one woman; I’m not moving any mountains by myself with a teaspoon, and determination. Not in this lifetime. My actions and choices of words still make a difference in the moments I live and in my interactions with others. I try to stay mindful of the implied power this does have, and do my best to be a basically decent human being, day-to-day. Don’t you? (If not, why not? The answer to that question is an exercise for the reader.)

Holiday lights at 04:30.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s a new day. I woke at some ridiculous hour – 3 am? Maybe. I didn’t check the time, I just wanted to sleep. I could hear my Traveling Partner awake in the other room, blowing his nose. It sucks that he’s awake dealing with his sinuses and struggling to breathe. I fall asleep, wishing he could sleep, too. Some time later, I’m awakened again. It sounded as if my beloved was clearing his throat and blowing his nose right outside the door. I know that’s not the case. He’s most likely seated at the dining table, which is at the end of the hall, opposite the door to this bedroom. The sound is basically piped straight to the door. I sigh, and roll over, and return to sleep. A short while later (I think), I’m awakened again. I’ve no idea if a long while has passed or only a few minutes. I’m groggy. My head aches, and my eyeballs feel gritty. The room feels too hot. I toss around for a moment or two “trying to get comfortable” again. No luck. I must have drifted off, though, into a sound deep sleep, because the next thing I recall is my partner calling to me softly in the darkness, but I don’t recall the question, or whether I understood. I struggled to wake enough to respond to him – I wanted to sleep so badly. The door closed quietly. I know I said something…but I’m not sure what, and the uncertainty itself, and a sudden concern that I would somehow be infinitely trapped in a pattern of waking from deep sleeps without being able to get rest, ever, fully woke me. I could not even imagine returning to sleep. I turn on a light and struggle to sit up. Vertigo. The room reels for a moment, before things steady, and the vertigo passes quickly. I’m grateful for that, and get up to use the bathroom and splash cold water on my face, still trying to really fully wake and maybe somehow manage to feel rested in spite of the interrupted sleep. Restless nights happen now and then, for one or the other of us. After so many years, I generally just move on from it, and practice letting shit go, because there’s no real value in taking an unpleasant tone over a sleep scenario neither of us can change. Sometimes one of us is wakeful. Sometimes we sleep badly. He greets me with a smile and sweet words when I enter the livingroom. I put on my boots and my cardigan and kiss him on my way out.

Holy shit I’m in a ton of pain this morning – and as I drive to the office, I wonder whether my pain was making me restless in my sleep, without waking me, but enough to disturb my Traveling Partner’s rest? Seems possible. Fucking hell, I feel bad for the both of us this morning. I hope he manages to go back to bed for awhile.

Another breath. Another exhalation. Another attempt to fully relax and let stress and pain fall by the wayside. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it’s just practice. Does it matter which it will be? No, I’ve still got to make the effort; it’s the consistent practice that creates incremental change over time. I sigh to myself, and glare at my packed meeting calendar. Tuesday. Fuck. Well, I won’t get much else done than meetings, today, but they are the plan, and that’s what I’ll do. I smile happily when the thought of my beloved’s birthday crosses my mind; my time off for that day is approved. I grin to myself. It’s not that we have elaborate plans, I simply enjoy the man’s company. I’m happy we’re together. He’s worth celebrating, and as I consider the man and the moment, my heart fills with joy.

…For a moment I forget about the pain…

I look at the clock. Always ticking. It’s a new day, and new opportunity to be the woman I most want to be. Feels like I’m off to a good start, this morning, in spite of feeling less than ideally well rested, and a little groggy. I think of the holidays ahead. This year won’t be lavish – everything costs more in Trump’s America, and resources are more limited. That won’t stop the holidays from being magical – I’ve done plenty with less, in years past. It’s more about presence than presents, anyway, isn’t it? I remind myself to propose board games of an evening, or a hand or two of cribbage… Maybe a walk or a drive to see the holiday lights? We’ve got so many ways to enjoy the holidays together!

It’s time to begin again. It’s definitely worth the effort. Why bother? Because you are better than your challenges. Change is. Choose wisely.

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Categories 2024 Election, Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5, women, Words

Facing the Day

December 1, 2025 //
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We don’t always wake to a new day feeling eager and encouraged and excited at the possibilities. Sometimes it’s harder than that. That’s just real, eh? What I like to do on mornings such as that is “anchor” to some event or experience that felt joyful, fulfilling, safe… whatever positive emotional alternative that feels most “opposite” the emotional drag I woke to is “coming from”, if I can tell.

…This morning did not need that practice…

Yesterday was lovely. I got a nice walk, in the early morning sunshine. I got some things done that I’d planned to do, and also a few things that were sparked by some observation, or by a request by my Traveling Partner. My beloved and I hung out together quite a lot, and enjoyed each other’s company. Later on we shared the sort of intimate connected time that adults are fortunate to enjoy in a loving partnership. It’s nice to still be able to enjoy those “sexy fun times” together. My soul is still humming a merry tune, and I woke feeling wrapped in love, this morning.

Tis the season

The Giftmas tree is up, decorated, and greeted me with soft colorful light when I entered the living room. I smiled on my way past. I really like the tree this year. Each ornament tells a story of some other time or some special moment. My beloved Traveling Partner has kept the 3D printers busy making holiday items, and this year’s new ornament delights me. I am still thinking fondly of the weekend, although it is now behind me.

I hope I never lose my sense of fun and whimsy.

The work day peers over my shoulder, tapping at my consciousness impatiently. Four day weekends do that to me, sometimes. I get back to work ready and rested, almost impatient. The trick is to avoid succumbing to that subtle pressure and simply “stay on the path”, relaxed and unbothered. I breathe, exhale, and relax. I settle in and catch up on email and plan the day. “Nothing to see here,” I think to myself, feeling amused by the sense of “performance pressure”. I remind myself that consistency and a good plan produce a steady result over time, and that frenzied action most commonly results in errors and half-baked bullshit. My best work usually results from my most patient and well-considered effort, attentive, and focused. Funny that it took so long to learn that. I think on that awhile.

…On the other hand, I hope I never stop learning and growing…

I sip my coffee and think, too, about my Dear Friend. I miss her greatly this time of year, and broke down in tears once or twice over the past few days because of it. We shared a fondness for the holiday season, and when one or the other of us lacked the means to be at all lavish about it, we still shared conversation, sentiment, nostalgia, pictures…and I definitely miss the exchange of eager emails about this or that gift for this or that dear one. I miss talking over things we were making, or shopping for, and pictures of wrapped gifts. I miss the game of telling her I would likely not be able to send anything for Giftmas this year, and her agreeing with me that perhaps that was best, then both of us surprising each other with some unexpected package near to Giftmas Day. Shopping for the holiday, it hit me hardest; I don’t need to keep an eye out for some suitable little thing. She’s gone. My eyes tear up, just recognizing that loss, even for a moment. Grief is sometimes quite inconvenient. S’Ok. There is no shame in honest tears.

Love takes many forms.

I sigh to myself, and my heart is eased by the recollection of my Traveling Partner’s embrace, yesterday, during a similar moment. He understood. He held me close until my tears stopped.

The clock keeps ticking. I glance at the time. It’s a work day, and it’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, grief, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, women, Words

Camera Settings (it’s a metaphor)

November 30, 2025 //
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I’m at the trailhead, waiting for the sun. I could walk in the predawn darkness, but this morning I choose to wait for a bit of light. Daybreak comes, and I sit with my thoughts a few minutes longer.

One morning, one moment, unique and brief.

I am thinking about how differently two individuals (any two) can view the same set of circumstances (any circumstances) or even a shared experience. We are each having our own experience. We each view the world through the lens of our own perspective, further altered by the filters of our expectations and past experiences. As with cameras, the differences in our “equipment” (our education, our economic situation, our individual values) make some difference, too, but our “camera settings” – the choices we make, how skillfully we adapt to new information, our critical thinking skills and willingness to apply those – often matter more. A lot more. An affluent person with a great degree who comes from “a good family” can still be a heartless dumbass carelessly wrecking other lives, which is to say, rather obviously, that the photographer matters more, to a point, than the camera does.

When we view the world, or even some brief moment, we bring our baggage with us. We see the world through the lens and filters of our individual experiences and understanding, making us prone to some pretty fucked up errors in thinking. You do, I promise you. I do, too. They do. We do. There are no exemptions and there is no escape. We can only do our individual best with that shit, making a point to be kind, considerate, thoughtful, and reasonable. We can make a point to listen deeply – a whole other huge endeavor that requires learning and practice (and is super worthwhile). We can ask clarifying questions – and hear (and accept) the answers. We can assume positive intent, and understand that generally speaking, most people are doing their everyday best, or think they are, without any desire to cause harm. We can refrain from taking shit personally (it mostly just isn’t). None of this is “easy”, at least not at first, but it can all be done willfully and with practice it becomes pretty natural.

It’s on my mind this morning because I’m human. I’m prone to seeing the world through my own eyes and overlooking how many other potentially also quite valid perspectives there are, which others may hold. There is often more than one “right answer” to life’s questions. Acceptable behavior is very context dependent. Two photographers at the same location, taking a picture of the same bird, will get two different pictures. It’s the same bird. Neither picture could be described as “wrong” or “incorrect”, they are pictures of some real, lived, moment. (Let’s leave AI images out of this discussion entirely, since delusions are their own thing, related but not what I’m going on about this morning.) The point I’m making is that for practical, cognitive, and contextual reasons, we really are each having our own experience.

It’s pointless to argue that someone’s feelings in some moment are “incorrect”; emotion is very subjective. It is unhelpful to reject someone’s understanding of circumstances, even in those instances when it seems obvious they’ve gotten some fact wrong. Most people cling to their own subjective flawed understanding of the world, even when provided with facts to the contrary. Human primates are limited that way. Yelling other information at a human primate trying to force a shared perspective doesn’t generally work very well, either. Even if you were to pass your camera over to another photographer, position them precisely where you stood to “see things from your perspective”, they would still get a different picture of the scene.

I don’t have an easy solution to offer on the many ways our individual perspectives complicate our interactions with other individuals. Communication is a lot of work. Building community and nurturing healthy relationships is a lot of work. People often don’t listen to each other, and when they do they often don’t accept what they hear (or don’t make good use of the information). People are emotional creatures who persist in trying to put reason and logic in charge, in spite of clear evidence that emotion arrives to every party before intellect does.

I guess one path forward is maybe practice those listening skills. Gratitude, kindness, and consideration are great steps on a path to “common decency”, too. Accepting that your way (or opinion, or choice of religion) is not the only way, is a stepping stone further on the path. Hell, your way – the path you choose – may not even be the best way. You don’t know enough as one human primate to make that determination; it’s a big world and the menu of The Strange Diner has a lot of options. There is a lot to learn and experience in life.

Tis the season

I sigh to myself, thinking about recent days and moments of conflict or stress. Looking back it often seems so obvious what different choices could have been made in the moment with better results. I focus my attention on my own behavior; it’s the part I can control, myself. I practice letting go of lingering hurt feelings, reframing experiences through a different lens, and examining my “filters” for fallacies and thinking errors. I breathe, exhale, and relax. I improve my perspective and my understanding through self-reflection. I practice the practices that have helped bring me so far, already. Non-attachment. Gratitude. Meditation. Letting small shit stay small. Savoring small wins and simple joys, and giving disappointment, resentment, and anger less room to live in my head.

Practice is more than a word. Practice is a verb. “Do the verbs”, I remind myself.

The sun rises. The day begins. I see my path stretching forward, between the oaks and along the meadow’s edge. I’ve got my camera, and it’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, joy, Logic & Reason, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5, Words

Still Thankful

November 28, 2025 //
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I know. It’s the day after Thanksgiving. A lot of people will no doubt move on from the holiday, forget all about gratitude, and return to snarling about petty bullshit, or worse, they may return to lobbing petty bullshit at others. Unnecessary. Unpleasant. (Do better.) I sigh to myself hoping to do better, and to practice healthier practices than that.

It’s early. Daybreak. I’m out on the trail, content with my solitude, and enjoying the sight of colorful holiday lights that have appeared here and there along my path, visible from a distance, peaking through the trees. Today I’ll begin decorating for the Yule holiday, myself. My headache dampens my enthusiasm for the tasks involved but does not diminish my fondness for the results. This year, everything is “easy to get to”, but it’s in a storage unit nearby, instead of the attic crawlspace. Ease sometimes comes at a cost. “Worth remembering that,” I mutter to myself, aloud.

Our Thanksgiving celebration was lovely. The meal was a good one. The errors, mishaps, and compromises were few. The cleanup got done in stages, after dinner. There was no yelling at all, no moments of lost temper or profound vexation. Admittedly, it was not a perfect day; I managed to talk over my beloved Traveling Partner (or failed to listen while he was talking) a couple times, which predictably enough hurt his feelings. That’s rude and inconsiderate, and I understood the hurt. I apologized and did my best to avoid repeating the behavior. I sometimes struggle to give attention to more than one speaker or task at any given time, and don’t “multitask” particularly well (although I once thought I did). It is a limitation that causes me quite a lot of stress. I do my best to juggle and carefully manage competing priorities. My results vary.

A new day, a familiar path.

Dawn unfolds as a new, gray, and rather mild autumn morning. It’s been rainy. Last night was windy and some trees have come down, although few; it’s mostly broken off branches I see on the trail. It could be worse.

There are challenges ahead of me (aren’t there always?), and challenges behind me (no good ruminating endlessly over those!), but this moment, here, now? It’s fine. I’m okay for most values of “okay”, and generally speaking, life is pretty good. Every damned thing is too expensive, and costs continue to rise, but we’ve got enough and we’re getting by. It could be much worse. I’m thankful for my good fortune. I’m thankful for my Traveling Partner. Turning the page on a calendar by one day doesn’t mean gratitude is any less worthy, or less appreciated. I’m still grateful. There is no value in limiting our gratitude to one day of the year. Gratitude is welcome and useful all year long. It’s a good basic practice for building perspective and a positive approach to life, too.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. Sure, my results may vary, and it’s a very human experience, but each day I have a chance to begin again, to do better, to make wiser decisions, to treat others with consideration, compassion, and kindness… including myself. I get another opportunity to become the woman I most want to be. As dawn becomes day, I think about what that takes, and prepare to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, autumn, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5, Words

Thanks

November 27, 2025 //
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It is Thanksgiving morning, before sunrise. Thank you for taking a moment to read this, and I hope you enjoy the holiday, if you celebrate it. Regardless, I greatly appreciate you; you give my writing direction and purpose beyond me simply talking to myself. I hope you get something more out of it than the passage of time.

I stepped out of the house into warmish spring-like air, everything rain-fresh and damp, this morning, the scent of petrichor still lingering. The street gleaming with reflected twinkle lights of newly added holiday displays delights me as I step to the car and as I drive to the trailhead.

This little town I call home is quiet this morning. No commuter traffic; it’s one of the few holidays that very nearly every American celebrates, and most folks will even be off work. Personally, I wholly disapprove of making people work on Thanksgiving, at all. You’ve got legit volunteers? Great. But… this is a day working people really should get to be at home with their dear ones. I often make my shopping decisions for the entire holiday season (and sometimes beyond) based on how businesses treat their work force with regard to Thanksgiving.

I get to the trail. Everything is soggy and very still and quiet. Daybreak is still almost half an hour away, but the sky overhead, cloudy, is peculiarly bright, illuminated from below. A soft sprinkling of rain begins to fall as I park, but a glance at the weather on my cell phone tells me it’s likely to pass shortly, and I decide to wait and write, and walk after the rain stops. I’m thankful for the technology that makes the decision practical and easy. I sit with my thoughts, listening to the patter of raindrops on the car. I’m grateful for the pleasantly mild morning.

I enjoy this holiday. This year it is a small gathering, family, three familiar faces around the table. Without the performance pressure of guests in attendance to ensure “best behavior”, family holidays can sometimes erupt in stress unexpectedly. I hope we don’t have to deal with that kind of emotional bullshit today. I honestly just don’t have any will to spend time soothing hurt feelings, particularly my own. 😂 It’s tempting to pull a page from my own mother’s handbook on family management and proactively state with some firmness that “there is to be no g’damned yelling or argumentative bullshit today – you will behave yourself or you will excuse yourself to pull yourself together and come back when you can be pleasant”. I chuckle to myself at the recollection, and wonder if that ever really worked? I suppose it may have. The only yelling or argumentative bullshit I recall at childhood Thanksgivings was between menfolk over politics, under the influence of alcohol, and the man who chose to start shit with my Grandfather could generally count on losing his place at the table, to eat alone in the kitchen, or at the children’s table. It was quite rare as a result.

I’ll spend most of today in or near the kitchen. There is no resentment, I enjoy the outcome as much as anyone, and I take pride in setting a good holiday table. It’s generally easier to do most of the cooking for such a small group than to work around other people also cooking. The kitchen is small. I’m not complaining, just pointing it out as a detail. This is a joyful celebration and a chance to recalibrate our focus on the things that are going well, and for which we’re grateful. It matters to be appreciative, and gratitude is a more rewarding and uplifting experience than anger, frustration, or resentment. Pettiness and emotional bullshit have no place at my Thanksgiving table.

This time, here, now, though? This is mine, and that’s important, too. This is a good moment for private gratitude and quiet thoughts. I listen to the rain, and the ringing and chiming, buzzing, hissing, of my tinnitus, and the HVAC on the roof of a building nearby. The morning still seems so very quiet and undisturbed. The thought crosses my mind that elsewhere in the world there is suffering, chaos, violence, and war… I allow myself to acknowledge that without being consumed by it. I’m grateful that there are no bombs dropping here, although ICE thugs have been snatching teenaged citizens from the streets, proving again that none of us is safe from encroaching authoritarianism. Scary. I breathe, exhale, and relax. Today is not the day.

Turkey roasted with carrots from the garden, stuffing, mashed potatoes and mushroom gravy, corn, some sort of green vegetable (green bean casserole? steamed broccolini?), homemade cranberry sauce, cocktails, pumpkin pie and whipped cream… This won’t be the fanciest Thanksgiving menu, and I’m not serving the biggest group I’ve ever hosted. It’s more elaborate than an evening meal generally is at our house, though, and definitely a celebration. I smile thinking about the meal and the merriment (and all I can say about that is that if I’m going to put all this work into the meal, the very least everyone else can do is be fucking merry, damn it).

The rain stops. I’m grateful for the break in the rain and the mild morning. I’m grateful for the well maintained local trail and the time, freedom, and safety to walk it at dawn. I’m grateful to have family to enjoy the holiday with, and help with things, and to feel so accepted. I’m grateful for my Traveling Partner, and all the things he does to improve our quality of life. I’m grateful to have the Anxious Adventurer’s help when he has it to give. I look down the trail, heart full of contentment and joy, and ready to begin, again.

I take a breath and stretch as I step out of the car. I wish you and yours a delightful Thanksgiving holiday, if you celebrate it, and hope the holiday season ahead unfolds with minimal stress and maximum joy – and no violence (nor any yelling). Be helpful when you can, and be kind and understanding even if you can’t be helpful.

It’s time to begin again. For this, too, I am grateful.

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Categories Allegories, autumn, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, joy, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5, War and News of War, Words
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