Archives for posts with tag: begin again

Cold morning. Above freezing, though, and I’m dressed warmly. I walk the trail in the pre-dawn darkness, grateful for the circle of light cast by my headlamp bobbing along with my steps. It rained during the night and the trail is slick with wet leaves in some spots, and in others there are puddles to avoid. I step along with care, feeling the cold, grateful for gloves and a scarf, and my warm fleece over a favorite sweater.

Clouds illuminated by city lights before dawn.

… This morning writing would wait until I’m back at the car…

It was a good walk. It’s a Monday morning. I’m in the kind of pain that only seems to come around in cold damp weather, unpleasant for sure, but I’m more angry about it than suffering from it. I resent the imposition on my abilities and my will. I’ve got shit to do, and a life to live. “Fuck pain,” I snarl quietly to myself as I warm up in the car after my walk.

Monday isn’t my busiest workday, generally, but today any sense of ease has been overcome by errands that need to be run, which bookend my day; early errands to drop off items being returned, and packages being posted, and at the other end, running my Traveling Partner over to his PT appointment. In between? Work, yes, but since I’m working from home, also anything else I can wedge into the day… taking out recycling, laundry, dishes… sometimes the notion of “a day off” dissipates like fog as the sun rises. I breathe, exhale, and relax. There’s no point being mad about it; I’m the one doing it to myself, and could certainly do a better job of managing my time and setting boundaries. It takes practice.

…I keep practicing…

… I’m tired as the holidays hurtle towards me on the calendar.

The VA sent me a “sound machine” after my audiology appointment. It arrived yesterday. It’s supposed to help with my tinnitus. I wonder if it will? Am I noticing any improvement after one night? I don’t know. I don’t think so? But, the shrieking of my tinnitus in my ears wasn’t the first thing that had my attention this morning, and when I got up to pee during the night, it didn’t keep me awake. So… maybe? How is success measured? I found the sound I selected very pleasant as background noise for sleeping… maybe that’s enough?

… I’m more eager to get my hearing aids…

I laugh at myself when I realize I’ve projected myself into a future moment only to feel discontent that it is not now. That’s just fucking dumb. A waste of precious mortal lifetime for sure. I pull myself back to now. This moment right here is quite a pleasant satisfying one, deserving to be enjoyed. I reflect for a moment on how easily I allow some new momentary difficulty to create chaos in my experience by letting it overwhelm a very pleasant moment I’ve been enjoying. That’s the entire point of practicing savoring each small joy and pleasant moment; to learn to refrain from twisting chaotically with every little thing, and to build emotional resilience.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. Lovely moment, this one. I take time to enjoy it. To meditate. To enjoy the steady progress towards the soggy sunrise before I begin the work day. It’s useful to let each new beginning be preceded by a quiet moment of reflection. So… I do that. Then I’ll begin again.

I sit quietly with my coffee. A steady light rain is falling. My tinnitus is loud in my ears and my mind wanders, unsettled and restless. I’m fine, for all describable commonplace values of “fine”. There’s nothing amiss. I’m tired perhaps, having wakened to the final full brightness of my sunrise alarm this morning, pulled from a very involved surreal dream that involved a large elegant home, a handful of friends, and a colony of guinea pigs.

I reached the trailhead during a break in the rain. My walk did nothing to improve upon my strange distractedness, but it was pleasant and that’s enough.

Rainy morning, another beginning.

I returned to the car just as the rain began falling again. I sit listening to it contentedly, warm and dry, enjoying my coffee. I’m grateful for insulated travel mugs (definitely a technological win). I’ve got an errand to run before I head home, and my Traveling Partner slept poorly during the night. I’m in no hurry, and he’ll benefit from some quiet time for sleeping before I get home and start on the housework.

It’s another ordinary enough day, just beginning. I breathe, exhale, and relax. There’s nothing much to comment on that hasn’t been said before. There are practices to practice. Results that will vary. Moments to enjoy. A path to walk. I watch daybreak slowly become dawn, then daylight. I take time to meditate and to reflect. Perspective is useful. The sound of the rain falling is peaceful. Yesterday was lovely, and busy, and I am tired in spite of a good night’s sleep. There’s much to do today in spite of fatigue. I’ve got a list. lol I think for a moment, looking over my list… and move “self-care” to the top.

It’s time to begin again.

It’s raining at the trailhead. Still dark, too. I decide to give it a few minutes. Maybe the rain will stop? I’m here earlier than I planned, anyway. My wakeful Traveling Partner woke me early with his wakefulness, and rather than keep him awake once I was awake, I dressed and made coffee and slipped away into the predawn drizzle.

… Now I wait…

We chat online for a few minutes, before my beloved returns to bed, and hopefully to sleep. The morning is quiet and calm. The rain is misty and not enough to prevent me from walking. The morning is a pleasantly mild one, the temperature a relatively comfortable 42°F. I had dressed for freezing weather; I’m definitely comfortable. The misty droplets covering the windshield glitter like scattered gems as passing headlights sweep over them from the nearby highway. Pretty.

… Nice morning…

The holiday shopping is done. Too late to change any of that now, although there are still packages arriving and gifts to wrap. There are still holiday sweets to buy for stockings and groceries to buy for holiday meals. So much yet be to do, but things also feel somehow “done”. Ready. There’s a plan in place and that’s enough. I feel content and mostly comfortable. The only discomfort I do have is purely physical and there’s nothing much to do about that besides taking care of myself properly. I double-check my shopping list to confirm I’d added capsaicin patches; they help some and I’m nearly out.

This is all such mundane stuff, isn’t it? It’s also enough. More than enough maybe; I feel fortunate. I do work at it – at the contentment and the quiet joy. I work at embracing sufficiency (chasing excess has only ever hurt me). I work at achieving and maintaining perspective. I work at non-attachment and at not taking shit personally. There are verbs involved, and practice, and my results vary – but over time I find myself quietly calm, contented, and joyful so much more often, I might even say these feelings have become characteristic of my day-to-day experience. That’s a pretty profound change from chaos, misery, and madness. There are few manic highs, these days. Abysmal dark lows are also very very rare. Mostly, things are pleasantly… ordinary. I don’t need the excitement of a rollercoaster ride in my emotional life. lol

… I sit quietly sipping my coffee, not quite waiting for the sun, just waiting…

My results will definitely vary. This is a very human experience. Moments are moments, and some of them are difficult. I’m okay. I’m here, now. I breathe, exhale, and relax. Practicing the practices. Beginning again.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s a cold morning, below freezing. I spent my walk with gloved hands jammed in my pockets. The light of my headlamp bobbed along seeming thin and inadequate. S’ok, I got a walk. Good exercise. Good start to the day.

I get back to the car before daybreak. I’m working from home today because my Traveling Partner’s Giftmas gift will be delivered and I’ll need to sign for it. I probably didn’t need to start out so early. lol I see a hint of color on the eastern horizon, as I warm up in the car, and change out of my boots.

A new day begins.

An ordinary enough Friday, I suppose. The sunrise begins, more colorful than I expect, and I sit to watch it. Why not? It’s early. Worth the time to see such beauty, isn’t it?

Silhouettes and colors.

I sit present, enjoying the sunrise, nothing else on my mind. Good use of time on a frosty morning.

Trying to capture the rich colors is tricky.

I sit with smiling and thinking over how to capture these colors in pastel, some other time and realize my mind (and presence) have wandered from this moment, here. I bring myself back. It’ll be soon enough that I’ll have to begin the day in earnest. It’s worth savoring this lovely moment right here.

… Later, I’ll begin again.

G’damn there’s bad news everywhere. Genocide. War. Femicide. Domestic Violence. Actual targeted hitman-style murders out in the open on city streets. Corruption. Fraud. Misinformation. Civil unrest. Cabinet appointees to government posts who appear to be actual fucking fraudsters and even rapists. What the hell is going on with the world we live in? Seriously – the rich and powerful are going about their usual business of making each other richer and more powerful, while the average person wonders how they’ll pay their bills, feed their families, or afford medical care… and the government agencies that should be protecting people from corruption are being attacked by the (very rich, very powerful) very people that are the most corrupt. Scary. It’s all very scary, isn’t it? Where are we safe? What can we hold onto for a feeling of security and comfort? The news doesn’t look good – and since the media definitely does profit from keeping us all watching, there’s definitely a tendency to enhance and emphasize the worst of it, to alarm and outrage us all, and to keep us arguing with each other over all of it. Disturbing.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. I take a moment – this moment right here – for me. Self-care gets more important, not less so, when times are tough. I enjoy a few moments of conversation and quiet commiseration with my Traveling Partner, too; these connections we share matter even more in hard times. More, better, clearer communication with less emotional escalation and fewer buzzwords and dog whistles makes a lot of difference in “turning down the heat” when we’re feeling anxious, worried, or insecure about the state of the world.

Make no mistake, things are bad – and worse still in other parts of the world (no bombs dropping in this neighborhood, so from a personal perspective it definitely could be worse)…but… Things are often bad, somewhere, and the rich and powerful have been after an unjustly large piece of the pie since money and power existed at all. Resist. Vote. Speak up – with real people, in actual conversations. Keep your eye on the things that matter most, and try not to be deceived by “the man behind the curtain”. Look out for yourself, your family, your neighbor, your community, people generally – and avoid “othering” people needlessly. Regular folks are not our enemies – they’re doing their best too. Pay attention to where the money is actually going, if you can. Be mindful that there are many corrupt people, fraudsters and scammers out there, and keep your hand on your wallet (metaphorically speaking). Stop arguing about religion and identity. People are people. Be alert for greed or pettiness to rear their heads within your own heart – and stamp them out aggressively. “Enough” is truly enough. I mean, it can be. That’s my opinion – but this path has lead me to this place, and I’m happier than I’ve ever been before, more consistently, as a result.

I sigh quietly to myself and sip my coffee. I hurt too much to go walking in sub-freezing temperatures before sunrise this morning. I go directly to the office, and try to avoid obsessively ruminating over bullshit that hasn’t happened yet (the future is not yet written) or shit that is already behind me (the past is over and done with if we allow it to be), or things that honestly don’t directly affect my everyday life in any practical way moment-to-moment (like a presidential pardon for a son, or the friends, family, and cronies of a politician being given plum jobs for which they are in no way at all qualified). I breathe, exhale, and relax – and pull myself back to this here, this now. Perspective matters. For most values of “okay”, I’m okay. For most values of “fine”, I’m fine. I’ve got physical pain to deal with, and the usual humdrum insecurities of modern life – with all the comforts and privilege that come along with those. I don’t have to worry that my partner will kill me (that’s a nice relief, honestly). I don’t currently have to worry about genocide in this country (and I hope I never do). People are people. I commit myself to “being the change I want to see in the world”, myself, and doing my best to be kind, to be considerate, to be generally decent, to refrain from greed and pettiness, to manage my anger with skill, and tolerate others with compassion. What greater good can I personally do the world, from where I sit right now, than simply being the best person I can be? If we all did that, how much more wonderful would the world be for us all?

I think about my Traveling Partner, and the joy of celebrating his birthday, yesterday, and the way he inspires me to be my best self today – and every day. There’s more to life than the terrifying ugliness we see in the news. There’s life, there’s love – there’s now. Finding the joy in each moment is a worthy endeavor.

I think about that and sip my coffee. It’s time to begin again.