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Shades of Gray

September 2, 2024 //
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There’s a dense misty rain falling this morning, here at the trailhead. It’s not enough to keep me off the trail. I’m grateful for the rain poncho that I keep in the car with my boots and gear that I like to have on hand “just in case”. I’m not in any particular hurry. It’s a holiday Monday and, with the drizzle this morning, I have the trail (and the park) to myself. I take my time enjoying it.

The grays and greens of a rainy summer morning have their own beauty.

The scents of the park are different on a morning like this. Petrichor. The birds are more plentiful and a bit noisier. I hear a different assortment of birdcalls. The minimal traffic on the highway nearby creates a hushed background noise, tires on wet pavement, that sounds almost like the wind in distant trees, or waves on an unseen shore. The tiny misty raindrops make no noise. They cover everything quietly, silently soaking surfaces, and making everything more damp than actually wet. “Good for the garden”, I think to myself, but it may not be raining there; it wasn’t raining when I left the house.

I listen to the sound of my breathing, and my tinnitus. There have been pretty clear signs lately that I may be developing a real hearing impairment. I’ve made an appointment with an audiologist. I find myself wondering if all of this head and neck shit is related… the hearing, the tinnitus, the headache, the degenerative disk disease, the eustachian tube dysfunction, the weird whatever the fuck is going on with my collar bone… Probably not, but g’damn – I’d very much like to get it all sorted out and at least have a clear accurate understandable diagnosis. It would be something to work with.

… These fragile fucking meat suits in which we reside are disappointingly unreliable and prone to failure over time…

I just keep walking. Breathing. Practicing. Living my life has become a thing I have learned to embrace with a certain joy, in spite of pain, aging, and whatever bullshit and baggage I am dragging along. There’s always plenty of that to go around, I can at least enjoy my life and treat myself with kindness.

I enjoyed a pretty splendid day with my Traveling Partner, yesterday. We shared the day shopping online for a tool he was wanting. It was tremendous fun. When the Anxious Adventurer returned home from work, I made a hearty fairly healthy dinner for the three of us (although I went a bit overboard on the portions). It was well-received and there are leftovers for lunch today. None of this is particularly noteworthy by itself, it’s just lovely to feel life returning to a more comfortable commonplace emotional “atmosphere” as my partner continues to recover from his surgery. Encouraging and a huge relief; we humans too easily assume that whatever things are like in this moment now somehow says something about future moments or represents some kind of ongoing state of being. That’s rarely the case, good or bad. Change is.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. My arthritis is griefing me hardcore this morning. No surprise; it’s rainy. Damp. Humid. Of course I hurt. I check the time and take appropriate medication. Best to get ahead of it, so I can more easily enjoy the day with my Traveling Partner once I return home.

… It’s still raining. Daybreak has come and the sun has risen, though the only confirmation is the lighter gray of the sky and the visibility, limited only by the misty rain and not at all by darkness. I’ve got my boots on. I’ve got my cane by my side. I’ve got my rain gear ready to put on as soon as I step out of the car. Nice quiet morning to walk a favorite trail along the river and the marsh. I guess it’s time to get on with it…

It’s a good time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, Summer, The Art of Being, weight loss secrets

Lightning and Raindrops

August 17, 2024 //
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The past 48 hours are mostly a blur of smudgy unclear recollections and emotional impressions. Keeping up with my Traveling Partner’s care, particularly making sure medications are all taken on time, at proper intervals and dosages, is keeping me pretty busy. Juggling those details with work, and the self-care required to keep up with “all the things” has resulted in interrupted sleep, emotionality, and a generous helping of “stupid” moments. This too will pass; it’s a temporary situation. It’s generally enough to do my best.

… The tl;dr is that I’m tired, so tired, and haven’t slept well, deeply, or for more than a couple hours at a time these past couple of days…

Sunrise and a new beginning.

I woke ahead of my alarm this morning and watered the lawn, and helped my partner with his medication. I’d have rather gone directly back to bed and tried to get more sleep, but I also knew my partner had a difficult night of interrupted sleep himself. Better for his ability to rest for me to give him some quiet time. I slipped away to catch the sunrise on the trail, and the Anxious Adventurer left for work moments later.

… And here I am…

The sun rose a bold magenta betwixt thunder clouds. Once or twice lightning flashed across the sky. By the time I got here to the trailhead, thunder was breaking the quiet of the morning, frequently. No rain. Not right now, anyway, though it appears that some rain fell during the night. I find myself wishing for rain. (Thunder storms without rain this time of year are a deadly threat of wildfires.) I sit for a moment before lacing up my boots for a walk.

My head aches ferociously this morning, a combination of my “usual” headache, and lack of rest. I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s less than ideal to let it become the focus of my day; I have too much shit to do.

My longtime friend, The Author, had planned to visit this weekend, but got COVID and if he makes it at all, the timing is yet to be determined. Disappointing. My Dear Friend’s celebration of life memorial is today, but I won’t make it; I’m not up to the long drive at the last minute, and regardless, my Traveling Partner needs my care and support. While I am considering these circumstances, a drenching tropical sort of rain begins to pound the car (I pull my feet back into the car and close the door). I think about the recent (Wednesday, 3 days ago) death of my Aunt…

…Then the tears begin to fall, with the rain…

Sometimes it just all feels like too much. I sigh, letting the tears fall without taking them personally. No reason to fight the moment. This is “my time”, and if this is what I need right now, okay. After some minutes, I blow my nose and just sit listening to the thunder and the rain, wondering about the lightning strike risk on the trail… It wouldn’t do to get hit by lightning today, I just don’t have time. lol

This morning I feel very mortal and very much aware how temporary it all really is. Life. So brief. So precious.

… I didn’t come prepared to walk through a drenching downpour, but I am sure enjoying just sitting here listening to the storm…

A different sort of quiet moment.

I sit listening to the rain, fighting the confusion and dimwittedness of fatigue. I could probably get a couple things done, since it doesn’t look like I’ll be walking… My mind feels numb. What is on my list, anyway? I scrounge around in my consciousness rather halfheartedly, instead of just looking at my damned list. The growl and loud crack of thunder along with a dazzling flash of very close lightning startles me. It seemed “just over there”, visibly, identifiably nearby. Scary. Distracting.

G’damn beginning again is easier when I get the rest I need… I don’t quite manage to laugh, and sigh again instead. I decide to quietly take my time sorting myself out, before tackling some task or another. There’s no reason to rush. I’ve got time to take care of myself. Self-care matters, too.

I sit for some unmeasured amount of time, reflecting on gratitude and joy. Thinking over the best of recent moments and savoring the recollections. I feel so grateful for my Traveling Partner, and the enduring love we share. It gets us through a lot. We’ve managed to snarl at each other far too often the last few days, as pain, fatigue, and frustration overcame our good nature in some difficult moment. We get past it. Exchange apologies. Make amends when we can. Our hearts know the way, even when we go astray – very human. All things considered, I guess we’re doing pretty well, generally. It’s hard sometimes, but there’s no lack of love. Humans being human; sometimes it’s complicated.

It’s probably time to begin again, but…

… I’m enjoying listening to the rain fall. That’s okay too.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, grief, health, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5, War and News of War

This One’s Difficult

August 13, 2024 //
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I’m sitting at the trailhead. I meant to be walking, but as I set off, my right leg buckled at the knee. I didn’t fall; I had my cane in my hand and steadied myself… but for the moment, I don’t trust my legs. Life, too, feels suddenly unsteady and unpredictable. I mean, I guess that makes sense; it is.

My thoughts careen through my consciousness. I didn’t sleep well last night. My Traveling Partner needed care during the night and woke me. I was groggy and stupid and not very helpful. I didn’t understand what was needed. Hell, I barely understood where I was in the first place. When my worthless efforts were abruptly dismissed, I attempted to return to sleep… It was nightmares, pain, and wakefulness from there. Less than ideal for the day ahead, which I took off from work to care for my Traveling Partner as he recovers from surgery. My consciousness is scattered, fragmented, and chaotic. I’m tired and fragile.

… I’m also doing my best…

I remind myself that this is only a moment. Temporary. It will pass, and change is. Nonetheless I feel low, beat down, and sorrowful. I’m tired and triggered, reminded of a time long ago and a very different earlier relationship, from which I am grateful to have escaped alive. This isn’t that, it’s just a challenging time and sometimes it’s hard to do the needful sufficiently well. I feel grateful for so many other things – I focus on the gratitude, the positives, and the kind, gracious and appreciative words my partner has shared over recent months. I breathe, exhale, and relax.

… Some things in life just aren’t about me at all…

My tinnitus rings loudly in my ears. My head aches. I observe the discomfort and let my mind move on. It doesn’t alleviate my pain to do so, it just prevents me from making my pain my whole world, for a little while, sometimes. My results vary.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. I sit quietly wondering what the future may hold, and where this path leads. I consider and reconsider what I really want in life, and contemplate whether the path ahead of me leads to that outcome at all… There are things I’d like to change. There are things I regret saying or doing (and not saying or not doing). It’s a very human journey.

… I think quietly about my Traveling Partner on this journey…

My partner pings me, frustrated, tired, and hurting. He can’t sleep and struggles to find any way to be comfortable after surgery. He’s pretty hard to live with right now (understandable), and has insisted that both the Anxious Adventurer and I leave so he can rest. We reluctantly do. What else can we do?

… Fucking hell, caregiving is hard…

I sit quietly, recalling my Traveling Partner before his injury, before his pain became unmanageable. I think about him – and us – in the “beginning”. I wonder how to go about restoring that beautiful vibe, and wonder if it will slowly return because it’s who we are and how we love, or if life has changed us “too much” over time and circumstances? I remind myself, too, that my mood and thinking are colored by recent events and present fatigue and stress. I breathe and let go.

I make room for gratitude, and think about things that have gone well. Doing this is often enough to lift me out of a funk, maybe it will today?

…In any case, I definitely need to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5

The Day Something Changes

August 12, 2024 //
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I’m (finally) sipping coffee. Never had a walk this morning. Woke up in pain, though that’s neither different nor relevant to the moment, or this cup of coffee. It’s fairly late in the morning, so I’m having it with a little (coconut) milk and a bit of sweetness (vanilla syrup). It’s hot. It’s… coffee. It’s fine. Today is “the day”, and my Traveling Partner is in surgery. I’m in the waiting room… waiting. The Anxious Adventurer waits with me. We’re neither of us particularly stressed, both hopeful.

… It’ll be good to “have my partner back”, in the sense that the pain he has had to endure over time has been much for all of us. Worst for him, obviously, but terrible to helplessly witness, and hard on his relationships, generally. Hard on him, too. It has diminished and limited him, and shrunk his world to the size of his pain. I’m eager to see him once again doing the things he loves with ease. I’m eager to hear him laugh again and feel his strong arms around me.

…So I wait. I breathe, exhale, and relax. I drink coffee and remind myself to take my medication. I give some small amount of thought to my vertigo, which has begun flaring up more frequently, in response to less obvious things. I think about the occipital neuralgia that “lights my face on fire” for hours or days. I think about the shooting pain down the back of my right leg this morning that wasn’t there yesterday. Shit. I guess I need to start putting more attention on this fragile vessel. I don’t “feel old”… I resent these possibly aging related complaints, often with real ferocity. I use my resentment and my anger to push past the pain, to reject its power over me. I use my feelings to walk one more mile, and then to walk another. I’ve come too far to give up easily.

… This hospital has a pleasant waiting room (except for the uncomfortable chairs)…

I sit with my thoughts. I breathe. I shift in my chair trying to find more comfort before realizing again that the pain is mine, it’s not the chair. I write. I reflect. I wait. I’m good at waiting.

The Anxious Adventurer goes on a wee walkabout, exploring the carefully planned curated spaces of the hospital to pass the time. I’m fine with just waiting, not because I lack restless energy or curiosity, I just want to wait, patient and present, my thoughts with my partner. It’s certainly a place worth exploring, though. I enjoy the quiet and the hushed conversations, and the art.

… It’s a shame there’s so little public art…

Cloudy day. Waiting. It’s fine; soon enough we begin again.

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Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being

Surfing the Wave

July 18, 2024 //
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Yesterday went sideways fast, mostly a byproduct of pain (mine, and his), and associated emotional volatility. Mine. His. It sucked and generally speaking the entire day was pretty much wrecked by it. Oddly, from an outside perspective, apparently, the details of the day amounted to “a great day” characterized by numerous successes, but the emotional qualities of the experience were wildly out of touch with any of that. Being human is complicated sometimes.

As bad as the day seemed, generally, it began and ended well. Not my usual experience, and it seems (on reflection) somehow associated with the addition of the Anxious Adventurer to the household dynamic. Interesting. Looking back on the day it “doesn’t seem so bad”, but good grief I am glad it’s behind me and I am hoping for better today. I’m in less pain… A promising start.

Here comes another opportunity!

I hit the trail just at daybreak. The morning had a slight chill to it that felt refreshing. The sunrise began as a smudgy streak of a reddish hue, like a wound becoming infected. The air was still, and hazy in the distance. My tinnitus was far louder in my ears than the sound of distant traffic. I walked along, listening to my own steps, thinking my solitary thoughts.

…10 days until my coastal getaway…

The case I purchased to hold, protect, and transport my pastels arrived yesterday and I took a moment to put the delicate sticks of colorful pigments into their new home. No more small boxes – just one tidy case. I’m delighted with the result, and feel more prepared for my upcoming trip to the coast to paint. I sit at the halfway point of my walk, thinking about art, love, and inspiration, and watching the sun rise. The work day will begin soon enough, and I’ll turn my thoughts to work when it does. For now, my time is my own.

I’m looking forward to the weekend, though it seems likely to be quite a busy one. I’ve got a number of boxes set aside, filled with small objects and items quickly packed and moved out of the way to make room for the Anxious Adventurer. Now that things are settling down, it’s time to take a closer look, to dispose of what lacks value, to display noteworthy curiosities and decorative things, where space permits, and more carefully pack those things worth keeping but for which the time is not now. Then whatever boxes there are will go to storage for a while. It’s a process that can be a bit emotional, and although I am not dreading it, I’m also not looking forward to it.

I breathe exhale and relax. The sun is deep luminous orange as it rises above the horizon. I save my draft and turn back up the trail. The sunrise dazzles my eyes as I walk through the oaks.

Don’t stare into the sun!

The air is already warming up. I’m thinking about coffee and new beginnings, and change. I’m feeling pretty good this morning, aside from the headache that accompanies me most days.  Getting to the car, I sit on a nearby picnic table to finish my writing, change my boots for softer shoes, and sit for a moment, just being. I watch the sun through the trees and contemplate how I would compose the scene on paper and how that might work in pastel. Old thoughts, new medium.

…Fuck, my tinnitus is so loud. I make a point to listen to myself breathing, which helps “put the tinnitus in perspective” and anchor my awareness to externally audible sounds.

…My Traveling Partner pings me…

It’s hours later. My plans were upended pretty quickly. My morning walk had served to give my partner a bit more time to get the rest he needs, but the Anxious Adventurer has his own routine, and his own work hours, and his own plan, and my partner was awake earlier than he’d hoped, with no likelihood of getting more rest if I were to be working from home, as I’d intended. It was early enough in the morning to make a change, easily, with no particular stress and I offered to do so, and hastened home to grab my laptop and head to the office. It’s nice to have the option. My day ends up starting a bit later than I planned, which means it will end later than I’d like, but if my Traveling Partner gets the rest he needs, it’s a win for both of us.

…The necessity to begin again comes in a lot of forms. The willingness to make a change based on circumstances is a useful first step. Then, by beginning where I actually am, I can proceed to the next thing, the next need, the next plan… the next moment. So far, it’s still a lovely day – and all I had to do was begin again. 😀

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Categories Allegories, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, solo hiking, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5
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