Archives for posts with tag: healthy living
« Older Entries

While I Wait

October 11, 2025 //
0

I’m waiting for the sun. I was up too early, and at the trailhead too soon.

My Traveling Partner woke minutes after I woke up to pee. Did I wake him? I don’t know. Doesn’t matter. He woke panicked, and struggling to breathe. That’s a dreadful way to wake up, and he was cross about it. I didn’t hold that against him, I get it, but not having a magic wand handy, my best option to be helpful to him in the moment was to get going and give him a chance to get back to sleep.

…So I did…

I could have tried to go back to sleep, myself, I guess, but his panic and frustrated snarling triggered my anxiety and getting back to sleep wasn’t going to be ideally easy. I was feeling pretty well-rested, already, anyway; no harm done.

Before daybreak, night settings on the camera reveal a cloudy sky.

I get a coffee on the way to the trailhead, arrive before dawn, and sit with my thoughts awhile. The coffee is good, and the cup warms my hands. I sit contentedly in the predawn quiet, thinking my thoughts, unconcerned about the chaos of the world in this moment, here, now.

Some little while after I meditate, my thoughts wander to my Traveling Partner’s enduring (and obvious) affection for me. I smile, thinking of the many little ways he shows his love. Most recently, this comes in the form of newly made 3D printed earrings, with Halloween themes. I am delighted by their variety and the fun of them. He knows me so well. He made “extras” so I can share them with friends who take similar joy in such things. I’ve planned my day around attaching findings and hooks to them; I’m eager to wear them. Eager to share them, and enjoy them in conversation.

… and so many more… I am fortunate to be so loved.

Eventually, daybreak comes. I wonder briefly at my (potentially erroneous) sense that a new day “always” comes… how true is that really? We are mortal creatures. Eventually our finite mortal minutes will run out. I sit wondering if the universe itself truly has its own similar limitations, such that one morning, the sun will not rise, again? It doesn’t feel like a grim weight on my spirit, it’s more just a question, of sorts. I can’t answer it. I don’t have enough knowledge to hold an informed opinion. It is a stray thought, like a cloud, drifting past, rather far away and abstract, and nothing to be bothered by.

There is enough daylight now to make out the trail. My coffee cup is empty. Seems like a good time to begin again. I lace up my boots and get ready to walk another mile. Yes, of course it’s a metaphor… but it’s also a favorite trail, a beautiful morning, and a nice way to begin a new day.

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, joy, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, Words

Between Reaction and Action

April 10, 2025 //
0

I watched the moon setting as I walked this local trail this morning. Lovely. It’s not quite a full moon, but as I drove to the trailhead. it was plump and luminous, a beautiful pearl in the night sky.

I snap a picture from the parking lot.

The moon began to turn a ruddy antique gold sort of hue as it sunk lower on the horizon, still enough to light the way. I cross the parking lot pleased to start down the path in a westerly direction. I am enjoying watching the moon set, over the vineyards, and through the trees.

I walked with my thoughts, watching the moon, listening to the birds singing unseen in the trees and shrubs along the path. Another work day, but all that begins later and I don’t think much about it as I walk. This is not that moment. I’m also not thinking about the world, nor mired in the crap going on beyond this moment on this trail. It’s a pleasant morning and I embrace the calm, the joy, and the simplicity of this bit of “now” right here.

When I get to my halfway point I sit down to write a bit. I choose a spot that faces east and watch daybreak becoming dawn. My head is kind of stuffy; Spring allergies. I remind myself to pick up more allergy medicine at the drugstore later, and wonder if the price will have gone up? I let that go and grin happily, noticing a plump robin near my feet, ignoring me while he checks out the surroundings looking for something tasty. Then I shift uncomfortably. Arthritis pain. I let that go too, while I can, and pull myself back to other aspects of here and now. The fragrant Spring air is slightly chilly but not unpleasant.

My Traveling Partner pings me a loving greeting and I am reminded of the passing of time. It’s s new day. Stuff to do. Other moments to live and enjoy. Looks like it’s time to begin again. I finish my writing and brush some moss off my jeans as I stand and turn back on the trail.

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, joy, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Practices, solo hiking, Spring, The Art of Being

Brute Force Mindfulness

April 9, 2013 //
4

So…um…right… I am humbled in the face of my humanity, and admittedly ‘doing my best’ isn’t always…adequate? Suitable? Ideal? Perhaps not even functional. I am very human.  Not unexpectedly, practicing mindfulness throws me the occasional curve ball, or offers me an intellectual or cognitive challenge I didn’t anticipate.

A great morning to share a smile!

A great morning to share a smile!

Yesterday,  I took a walk on the wild side… ‘brute force mindfulness‘.  O.m.g… the humor of it buoys my general good spirits today, and I am still sort of scratching my head that the eventual outcome included a completely unexpected ‘thank you’ for ‘being there’… but I am not sure I was ‘being there’ the way I’d ideally like to be for people.  No fooling, I had hit a wall of frustration at one point that actually resulted in my yelling – literally yelling, in a rather unpleasantly commanding tone – directives that were borrowed directly from my mindfulness practices…but… how effective is it to shout orders to ‘Breathe!’ at someone who is losing their patience ?  Or to resort to angrily demanding that someone  ‘Be here!‘ when they seemed trapped in some other moment?  (That last was only a fragment of what I was moved to say, but the ludicrousness of shouting commands to be in some way more mindful got to me before I got more words out, and I forced myself to shut the hell up before I went further down the path of the ridiculous.)

Compassion wins out, this morning, and I accept that I was in enough pain last night to be pretty easily tested to my limits, even with people who matter to me a great deal.  I sure don’t feel like I was at my best for emotional resilience, respectfulness, or consideration – and as humorous as it still is that I snapped in that very odd way, I hope to build a lifetime of good skills and habits that allow me to bend as a reed in the wind, instead, and to be able to comfort rather than berate.  I’d throw the hormone card, but facing menopause on the horizon, that’s really too unpredictable to be certain, and this morning it sounds like a crutch or an excuse, more than a mitigating circumstance.

It’s still pretty funny. 😀

My quiet morning resulted in some whimsy about the whole thing, and I want to say simply this; I’m in an all or nothing place with mindfulness, tending my roses and my heart with care, showing myself and my loved ones mercy, and living the best way I know how.  If I have to, I know to tell haters to back up, and just keep practicing and taking care of me.  In the mean time, I’m going to give myself a chance to appreciate the humor of life, and lighten up a bit.  😀  It’s a lovely Tuesday…

Tags , , , , , , , ,
Categories Free Will, gardening, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Relationships, Roses, Spring, Turning 50, women, Words

Another Pop Quiz

April 5, 2013 //
3

image

Today’s quiz is going to cover mindfulness and pain. 😦  For a few days now my experience has included quite a lot, more than usual, physical pain and very little emotional pain. Although I feel more equipped to deal with pain than I had, it’s not a pleasant part of my experience. I notice as I write that I put a higher priority and a sense of greater urgency on managing emotional pain, than physical pain, but damn it, I hurt so much, today, the pain becomes my dominant experience again and again. I am using as an opportunity to practice mindfulness, instead of tears, tantrums, or pharmaceuticals. I won’t bullshit you, or me, I don’t find practicing mindfulness to be effective pain relief. Having said that, I am finding that the experience of pain seems to rob me of pleasant feelings less easily, approached mindfully. That’s a bigger deal than the words themselves can convey, for me.

I shared an interestingly deep and, at least for me profoundly meaningful, moment with one of my partners last night. Emotional, shared, connected, and intimate on a level I have not previously shared with her; our hearts and being felt so closely connected… It was over a painful bit of emotional mess, humanity fully exposed, but connected, vulnerable, and very real. Wow would I like to connect with her that deeply over pleasure, joy, and delight! Could I handle the intensity?

I caught myself in the mirror this morning, looking like a whole, comfortable, serene being… I smiled at my reflection, confident, sexy, and unexpectedly…wise. I observed me gently, and experienced a moment if fond appreciation for how much I am learning, and how well I am beginning to treat myself, and that I am learning to treat others well, too.  Then my brain began tossing messages of doubt, insecurity, and rejection at me and the smile wavered… I wanted to turn quickly from my mirror and wish away my very human self-doubt…afterall, I had only made that profound connection with one partner…both were hurting. Did I fail? Do I suck? I held my moment at the mirror, and accepted my feelings, watching them pass over my face. I took a few deep breaths and accepted that twinge of personal disappointment that I am not all things, to all my loved ones, and as I did, the feeling passed, and my serenity found me again. There’s more to learn, and I am still learning.

The dawn has unfolded, now, as I have my coffee, read some, do some yoga, and write. Time for the day to begin in earnest, and although I hurt, I feel ready for it.

Tags , , , , , , ,
Categories Healthy Living, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50, Words

The ‘Big 5’ for the Win!

April 4, 2013 //
1

I mentioned recently that I am focusing on 5 basics (The Big 5) for building healthier relationships.  I’m not sure quite what else to say… ‘Eureka!’ seems closest, but a bit grand.  I’m just having an amazing morning of love and connection and the delights of family and friends, and it has a lot to do with being mindfully involved with those Big 5: Respect, Reciprocity, Consideration, Compassion, and Openness.  No fooling…I’m not bragging, for clarification, or trying to sell something (not even an idea), I’m just quite taken by surprise.  I’ve taken only the first steps on the path of learning to treat myself and others well, and I’m so new at keeping a meditation practice that really benefits me, and even simple ‘mindfulness’ is wrapped in reminders and constant practicing…I am not sure I am entirely comfortable with the concept of something so new, at which I am admittedly so unskilled, being so incredibly… helpful? Effective? Valuable? I get so excited about feeling this balanced and calm… more than once I have found myself losing that sense of balance solely because I’ve gotten so excited about it. lol.

There have been some ups and downs the last few days; love requires maintenance, effort, and commitment.  I have done my very best to stay focused on treating myself well… and my Big 5.  I practiced respecting my own values, and  needs – and found that it was much easier to respect my lovers, too.  I gave some thought and attention to what I could be doing to improve the reciprocity in my relationships, and found that even where things were not at a 1:1 level of reciprocity, that life feels more balanced over all, and the sense of ‘sharing the load’ is more definite.  I gently reminded myself of what I enjoy that feels considerate, and practiced those things with others, as well as really listening to what my friends and lovers say that communicates what feels considerate to them, and practiced those things, too.  When moments were challenging or stressful, I practiced treating myself well; understanding that other people’s stress affects my PTSD and causes me anxiety – and accepting myself, and my experience, and giving it room to be what it is, without making it worse by freaking out about whether it is ok to have the feelings I have.  I practiced staying focused on the things I enjoy doing in the moment, and really ‘being present’ while doing them, without indulging in non verbal demonstrations of stress or anger.  I found that treating myself with compassion resulted in a profoundly improved ability to feel compassion towards others, and an improved willingness to express that.  I struggled some with being open, finding it requires a level of vulnerability that is a little scary sometimes, especially under stress, but I kept practicing, kept focused on my own desire to be stronger and more skilled in this area, and the results were telling.  I felt balanced and calm, in the face of occasional stress. I got enough restful sleep. I made good decisions and choices that enhanced my experience without hurting others.

Today, I enjoyed the morning with my partners; good meaningful conversation, love, connection, and really being there with each other.  The walk to work was gentle, mindful, and enjoyable…and I am finding that occasional real life hurdles, stressors, and weirdness, don’t have to ruin my experience, wound me, or be tragic.  It’s quite lovely to feel…calm; to be in love on a gray Thursday, to feel loved and eager to return home, to feel tempted to daydream about all the pleasures life and love offer, instead of compelled to brood on pain and suffering.  😀

There is no report card, trophy, or award.  I’m not crossing any finish lines, or completing any coursework.  I’m still a student of life and love.  I’m still learning, still practicing.   Today, that all feels very good, and very satisfying.  It’s a good Thursday.  😀

Tags , , , , , , ,
Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50, women, Words
« Older Entries