Archives for posts with tag: MBSR

An Outsider’s Perspective

November 7, 2018 //

When I think it over with great care, that’s really all we’ve ever got; an outsider’s perspective on each other. We’re each having our own experience. We’re still all in this together… and somehow… still looking at each from the perspective of being “someone else”. It’s fairly ludicrous to be so frankly similar, and also behaving like we’re each so very different from each other. “Us” versus “them” is much easier if you really do believe there’s a difference. (Isn’t there?!) (Is there?)

This morning I take a moment – before I scroll through any feeds, or check any news sources – I take time to be aware how very similar we each other, even to our pettiness, our small heartbreaks, our fears and doubts and insecurities, our sense of glorious triumph over… trivia. So human. Our hate is as human as our ability to love – and much easier to tap into, by the time we are “adult”. I shrug off the moment of bitterness that tries to gain a foothold. Breathe. Relax. Exist. There will be time later to look at the news. Right now, I just want to feel that feeling of connection and shared experience… without connecting right now, or sharing this one. 🙂

Today I’ll make a point to be open, and to listen – really listen, not just wait for my turn to talk – and to put some verbs behind understanding a speaker’s point of view, instead of just fighting a battle of words, based on my assumptions – and my outsider’s perspective. I’ll use questions to find my way to a real understanding – and seek that understanding authentically. Understanding each other matters more than sharing each other’s opinions. Once we understand, our own position becomes more clear without undermining the opinions we don’t share. It’s not about being right.

Having said that – there’s no amount of being agreeable that remains appropriate if someone is specifically bent on doing me harm. Or Nazis. No point seeking agreement with Nazis. It’s not necessary to worry about having a greater understanding of hate – once you recognize it, get the fuck out of harm’s way, or do battle. Don’t feed the online trolls. Don’t promote fascism. Don’t nurture Nazis. Fucking vote. (Did you?)

I’ll look at the election results later. Right now, I’m enjoying my own company quietly, feeling content, and ready to begin again. 🙂 It’s enough.

Tags be the change, begin again, choose wisely, don't feed the trolls, Don't nurture Nazis, Don't promote fascism, emotional self sufficiency, I am my own cartographer, MBSR, mindfulness, OPD, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved, vote, walk on, walking my own path, what matters most?

Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, The Art of Being

Quirky

October 29, 2018 //

Sorry about that… I, um… forgot to write at all. I’m even a tad embarrassed by that, particularly since I carefully plan this time, and follow through quite methodically most days, even to the point of occasionally questioning the value in doing so. Then… Well… There’s this. This is different than that. I quite honestly forgot… like… a bunch of times, and even in spite of some reminders (several).

My habits sometimes break. It’s “a feature” of my TBI, as near as I understand it, myself, anyway. Sometimes I just… wander off without some habit or routine that I reliably practice. Even after years. It’s a thing. A quirk. I’m… quirky. lol. I “always” was, I just didn’t also understand that experience (and so many others) in the context of my TBI, that came later. I had other reasons and excuses, and ways of understanding myself, and I suppose they also served my humble needs for as long as they lasted. I’ve even learned, over time, not to beat myself up about my quirks, my forgetfulness, my challenges – I mostly just look that moment over with great care, and a desire to understand both the circumstances and the outcome with greater clarity, and to learn from it what I can, and move on from there. Life doesn’t have to be some sort of frenetic, punishing endurance race, or some lengthy proof of worthiness. How much better (immeasurably) has life been without all that entirely extra not very helpful performance pressure? I mean… who made those rules, anyway?

So… yeah. I woke up some days ago, and… didn’t write. I noticed way later in the evening, and I was too tired to take that opportunity to write, at the end of that day. Then, the next day, I made some excuse, or slept in a little bit, or… just wandered off. I enjoyed a lovely weekend – so lovely – and today was a fairly routine Monday. Today was the day I realized my writing habit had broken, rather odd for it to be that habit, but… there it is.

The morning started off rather peculiarly, and perhaps that what it took to get my attention, that a valued practice, a habit that serves a purpose, had broken? I woke feeling fairly groggy and sort of… unstuck in time. I found myself going through all the motions of the routine morning routines, only, strangely out of sequence, and rather random. I’d barely gotten through some yoga, a shower, and dressing for the day, when I was stepping out the door with my keys in my hand, and heading to the car. That’s super odd; I don’t do mornings in that hurrying-to-work fashion anymore. My days are built around a leisurely start. What the hell? I spent the morning drive into the office musing about how strange it was that I’d broken my writing habit. That I’d also broken my leisure mornings habit didn’t hit me right away. I didn’t notice in time, or with sufficient ability to connect all the dots, and I was already parked at the office when I really understood that I had literally gotten ready for work and departed immediately… it wasn’t even 5:00 am, and I was already at my desk. I hadn’t had any coffee. I was definitely on auto-pilot. I made a promise to myself that I would take a break “a little later” and write, “sometime after I’m caught up…”

…Many hours later, having utterly forgotten about writing, my work day ends, I make the drive home, I arrive safely at my residence… still no writing. I had forgotten about it completely. Well, shit. Okay… I sit down and I write. About not writing. lol That may seem odd all on its own, but without so doing, that habit would remain broken, potentially even permanently; I’ve gotten to know how some of these quirks work. I’ve wandered off from all sorts of things over the course of a lifetime… lost things that I’d carefully put away, made astonishing changes in my life, ended relationships because I somehow… forgot about the whole thing. lol Just… forgot. It’s more than a bit aggravating, and fairly unpredictable. So, I do the needful thing, and reinforce the desired behavior. By doing the desired behavior. In this case, I sit down and write. lol

Quirky’s okay. Broken, too – even broken is okay. Sometimes what we love and make use of most can’t easily survive the wear and tear of our affection. Things break. Even habits. We fix, repair, rebuild, re-purpose, modify, alter, adjust, adapt – we do what is needful. I mean, when we know what that may be, I suppose. I don’t mind being quirky – it turned out, perhaps not so surprisingly, that a great many of the things I am well-regarded for, loved for, or entertained by, myself, are “quirks” I might not have, if I didn’t also have the challenges, injuries, and experiences that I’ve had. 🙂 I rather like this woman I see in the mirror, these days. I’m okay with her quirks.

It’s been a long-ish journey, and not all of it has been pleasant, but it’s mine. 🙂

I’ll just begin again. 😉

Tags be the change, begin again, being and becoming, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, experience, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, MBSR, meditation, mindful living, mindfulness, mindfulness matters, my home my rules my way, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, taking care of me, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, what matters most?, write on write on write on

Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Frustration, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, The Art of Being, Words

Next!

October 25, 2018 //

What’ll it be? There’s a next step ahead of you, right now… will you take it? Do you have something in mind? Is the future as yet unscripted, unplanned, undecided…? Where are you headed?

The map is yours to write…

So… What’s next? It’s time to choose something – big or small.

It’s not about how many steps you take, so much as it is about where the journey takes you.

It’s time to begin again. 🙂

Tags be here now, begin again, being and becoming, choose wisely, choose your adventure, do you know where you're going?, getting there, I am my own cartographer, life is a banquet, live live live!, MBSR, meditation, mindfulness matters, mixed metaphors, No time for boredom, perspective, ptsd, read a book, Rick Hanson PhD, stay on the path, TBI, the journey is the destination, the map is not the world, Thich Nhat Han, walk on, we each walk our own hard mile

Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, inspiration, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking

Practice!

October 21, 2018 //

We become what we practice. I keep saying it. It’s a thing you can learn more about. There are even actual experts in the field of becoming happy. No kidding. Right here. You’ve got this. There are just some verbs involved. A path. Some choices. A lot of practice. A bunch of beginning again. It’s a journey, and the journey itself is the destination.

You don’t have to choose to endure endless relentless misery. You. Yes, you. However bleak things feel in this moment right here, you can choose differently. Your results will vary – and incremental change over time can feel infernally slow, but you can choose to practice practices that improve your experience of life (and self), overtime, and maintain it long term. No kidding. This is real. Doing it. It works.

Maybe read a book? Got an entire reading list for you right here. 🙂 Watch a video? How about this one? (Be sure to also watch the less tongue in cheek follow up, though… 😉 )

You have choices. Maybe you chose poorly some recent day and you’re feeling sort of defeated. even now? Maybe you haven’t yet understood just how much of your misery you are not only choosing, but also working very hard to carefully craft and maintain it? Just begin again – please. Give yourself that chance. Be your own best friend on this one.

Be real with yourself. Be who you are. Be authentic about where you are in your life right now. It’s a place to begin. Now?

Begin again.

Tags anxiety, are you going my way?, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, choose wisely, do better, do your homework, emotional self sufficiency, experience, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, link to finding happiness, MBSR, meditation, Neuroscience, perspective, practice better practices, practicing the practices, ptsd, resilience, secret to lasting happiness, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, the map is not the world, the neuroscience of happiness, there are verbs involved, this shit is real, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what matters most?, you've got this!

Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, inspiration, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being

This, Again?

October 17, 2018 //

Yesterday, I had yet another opportunity to patiently explain to someone that they do not get to tell me what I think, why I think it, or how I came to the conclusion I did. It seems obvious, really; my opinion is mine to decide, and to decide even whether to share it. Attempting to force assumptions about my opinion, or my thoughts, or my feelings, upon me is… fucking dumb. A.) That isn’t how opinions or thinking work. B.) No one likes that shit or needs that from anyone else. Lastly, C.) Fucking hell, people, how hard is it, really, to ask a question and listen to the fucking answer?

It’s an extra special nightmare frustration when that person is a man and his tone is condescending and patronizing. I’m not a child or a little girl, and frankly, on its own maleness does nothing whatever to make any stated opinion or observed fact somehow more relevant, worthwhile, or legitimate, at all. I’m just… yeah. So done with that bullshit. lol I managed to walk on from that interaction without resorting to insults or name-calling, which turns out not to require any sort of heroic effort of any sort, I just reminded myself silently that I had things to do, and that arguing with an ass clown was not on my list today. lol

On and on. Trump didn’t change it – maybe didn’t even “make it worse” – but his presidency pushed it into the forefront (again)(I mean, really, we’ve fought this fight before, and had made a lot of apparent headway, but… no… here we are). Kavanaugh isn’t “new” or novel, or frankly even fucking interesting. Been. Here. Before. Been here all along. Maybe we can all work on this? We can do better. I mean, seriously America? Fucking Nazis? Are you kidding me?

Words matter. Choose them with care. Really listen to people. Really share your authentic actual thoughts with them (versus just quoting some regurgitated sound bite you lifted from a talking head on cable news). Connect for real. Ask the deep questions that matter most. Listen – really listen – to the answers. Put content over bullshit. Show your fellow citizens some “common decency”, consideration, empathy, and respect. Maybe even let “I disagree with that position” be the actual end of a conversation or disagreeable moment, and walk on. You don’t have to persuade or convince everyone that your position is right. Maybe it isn’t. Share it if you care to, then let that shit go, too. Quality of life is not about being right. Great relationships are not built on being right. Contentment and happiness are not made up of moments of being right. Fucking just listen once in a while, and even, now and then, accept that you do not know all of everything… or… just maybe.. in some particular instance… insisting on being right, regardless of perceived factual correctness, maybe be quite the wrong thing to do.

…Then… also… respect both your own expertise, and the expertise of your associates. Ask more questions than you answer. Listen to what you’re hearing, and really be present for that. Learn stuff. Grow. Assume positive intent. Have positive intentions yourself! Be authentically who you are – rightness and wrongness and error, flaws, mistakes, and character failures, and all; we don’t become who we most want to be if we can’t start from who we are right now and move on from there.

What I’m saying is, arguing is dumb. It wastes time, and people who are arguing are not listening to each other. Arguments are made up of people throwing their words at other people who are, at best, throwing words back – without listening at all. It’s ridiculous and gets no further toward truths than standing still quite silently would do, and quite possibly, standing still silently would be more effective. (It probably is, actually…)

Don’t argue.

Don’t yell. (Not really relevant, it’s just super unpleasant, and effective only for escalation the emotionality of the interaction in an unpleasant way; if you’re yelling to make your point, you already lost the argument. Just stop.)

Talk to each other. Really listen. Grow because you are hearing new information – or because you have the wisdom to refuse to incorporate ad copy, memes, or straight up misinformation, in your thinking, in spite of hearing it, again. Ask clarifying questions; there’s always more to know. Get context, and check your assumptions; you’re wrong more often than you realize (I promise you this is true).

People can be really fucking repetitive with shit they pick up along the way that they did not really think through themselves, or apply any critical thinking to, when they adopted it as their own. They cling to that shit. It’s tedious. Don’t follow the crowd. It makes for dull conversation, filled with half-baked bullshit, and actual lies.

Do better. Think your own thoughts. Use critical thinking skills to examine what thoughts you think you have. Check your assumptions for accuracy. Check your expectations to ensure they are shared, and realistic, and not left moldering in a corner all implicit and unverified and shit. Easy stuff. Slow the fuck down and ask yourself some questions about the thoughts you tell yourself are your own. Are they really? Fact-checked, lately, Bruh? Did you make any effort at all to determine whether the words you are about to say reflect who you truly are, consistent with the values you claim you have?

My coffee is tasty this morning. I’m mostly ignoring it. My nightmares were a tad too much “Handmaid’s Tale” for my emotional comfort, and I woke feeling confused, angry, resentful, irritated, puzzled, frightened, restless, and yearning for freedom. The conversation, yesterday, in which some rando man-human specifically told me I don’t think what I do, and can’t because I’m wrong about thinking it, was still grating on my nerves. lol At 55, I fucking well know what my political leanings are, what my philosophy of life is, and where I think my ideas potentially take me in life. I’m pretty over men thinking they have something to say to me about what I think. (Wow. I’m obviously still fucking angry about it, too… and only on this whole meta level as an archetypal conversation repeated over time, not the specific moment and individual. Wild. Why are we still here, at all?)

I grin when I think about the end of that conversation (for me). “I disagree with your position. We have nothing further to discuss.”

Sometimes, I gotta just walk on, and begin again. 🙂

Tags be the change, begin again, being and becoming, choose wisely, do better, do your homework, emotional self sufficiency, experience, fuck your opinion, I am my own cartographer, I don't live by your rules, language functions by agreement, listening deeply, MBSR, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walk on, walking my own path, what matters most?, words words words, yes I'm an anarchist, you didn't write my dictionary, you don't define my experience, you don't tell me!

Categories Allegories, anger, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Frustration, Logic & Reason, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, Words

An Outsider’s Perspective

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Quirky

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Next!

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Practice!

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This, Again?

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