The morning feels a little rushed and also a little… uphill. I slept well and deeply and woke one minute ahead of my alarm. I was at the trailhead with the sun just peeking over the eastern horizon, the western sky streaked with peach and pink hues. Sunshine was already lighting the treetops when I really got started. (My allergies hit hard as soon as I stepped out of the car.) It’s certainly a beautiful morning, and a beautiful moment.
[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]
But for the allergies, this morning is as nearly perfect as most mornings can hope to be. My calendar feels full though and this feeling seeps into my awareness as “busy”. It’s not, actually. I’ve got a short work day ahead of a long weekend celebrating my anniversary with my beloved Traveling Partner (still a playful mischievous charming man after 16 years of sharing life and love as partners). I adore him. It’s a milestone worth celebrating. We’ve successfully exceeded my next longest romantic relationship, ever, and I think that may be true for him also.
The short work day feels a bit busy. It’s always busy as the month ends. It’s not actually a big deal. Coffee with a friend I don’t see often… A manicure… It’s not really “all that”, it’s just more stuff that shows on a calendar, and most of it weekend fun! I chuckle over my ridiculously variable sense of the flow of time. A lot of our stress as human beings is created in our own minds, and not really a true accounting of circumstances.
… I find myself thinking again that I’d like to return to a pen and ink to-do list, and “feeling busy” definitely reinforces that…
I breathe, exhale, and relax. I listen to the noisy robins and watch the squirrels play. I’ve got time for this moment, and I let myself slow down and lean into it. Presence is also a practice. This moment is enough, and making a point to savor it makes the recollection later much clearer and also more likely to positively influence my implicit sense of “how things are”. Handy. Useful.
We become what we practice. I definitely want to be a person who enjoys a beautiful moment, without rushing through it. I sit awhile longer, enjoying the sights and scents of a Spring morning.
It is a short work day, though. I sigh to myself, glance at the time, and prepare to begin again.
Yesterday was one of those lovely days that refresh and deepen an intimate connection through serendipity and shared experiences. My Traveling Partner wanted to begin Spring cleaning, now that the weather was warm and mild, and we’d completed the rearranging of rooms after the Anxious Adventurer had moved out. It made sense, and I had no reasonable excuses to decline. So. Housekeeping together.
[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]
My beloved regaled me with stories of that aspect of military life that is cleaning. No servants for soldiers (or sailors) in these modern times, and we both have memories of tackling clean up as a group endeavor. Our recollections are very different. He recalls almost fondly the shared experience of cleaning work and living spaces with his Navy peers. My similar recollections of Army life are fraught with feelings of irritation, resentment, and sexual harassment. lol I held my tongue and enjoyed his stories and hanging out together. He kept the music coming, we took turns in some areas and supported each other when needed. It was honestly fun as hell.
G’damn I am glad to see him back to being his “usual” particular and playful self. He’s funny and forgiving, and relaxed, these days. He manages to balance being understanding and accommodating with also helping me gently push myself to do more better, when I’m able.
He’s sexy and funny, and he loves me, and we have history – shared and unshared – that ties us together with a depth that would be hard to describe in practical terms. “You had to be there.” We were.
There was this one moment, yesterday… A piece of music he’s played for me often. I… didn’t get it. Didn’t realize the significance. It’s strange that I didn’t listen closer sooner. I generally do. Yesterday I finally did. He was astonished, and a little hurt too, maybe, but as I listened, I realized how powerfully “us” (and me) this song really is, and we connected (again) over a shared moment. It became part of the soundtrack of love. I think back to where/when he first shared it with me. Even more meaningful in context. I played it for myself again quietly before bed, and again this morning.
Love binds us in the most beautiful way.
I walked with my thoughts, of love, of nearly perfect moments, of how good things can be – even housekeeping – together.
There’s more housekeeping to do. Neither of us have quite the energy and pure force of will to deep clean the entire house in a single day, even together. I’m okay with it; I enjoy the time I spend with my beloved. I spent a short time in the garden, too, and there’s still more work to be done there. The strawberries and blueberries are blooming. Will I get a good crop this year?
Love songs in my head and flowers in my garden.
I breathe, exhale, and relax. Meditation and a golden sunrise, later coffee with the Chaotic Comic, and it is a lovely morning. Strangely, all I can really think about is my Traveling Partner and the love song in my head.
The wheel turns. The clock ticks on. I’m grateful to share so much of this journey with this singular human being who is my Traveling Partner. I find myself wondering how many lifetimes we may have crossed paths and found love? It often seems too profound, too deep, to develop in a single lifetime. I breathe in the scent of Spring flowers. I watch the sun touch the tops of the trees.
It’s an interesting journey. I’m fortunate to have such good company along the way.
It’s a big world. Lots of options. Choose wisely.
I smile to myself. I’ve got a heart full of love and a mind full of daydreams. I watch the squirrels and robins in the morning sunshine. It’s a beautiful moment and I enjoy it awhile. I think of my beloved and my smile deepens. When I begin again, he’ll be there. It’s an amazing feeling.
I slept in this morning. I kept my walk short, and spent the day at home with my Traveling Partner. It was a lovely relaxed day. I didn’t think to write; I was living my experience. lol I appreciate love. Valentine’s Day isn’t really a huge deal for either of us, although I do enjoy that there is at least this one holiday that specifically celebrates romantic sexual love. (It seems really weird that we have this whole other thing to do with children giving all their friends Valentine’s Day cards.) Today, it was nice to relax in the good company of my beloved. It wasn’t fancy – it never had to be.
I have thoughts about Valentine’s Day. I’ve shared them. I guess that all summarizes as something more or less like… love yourself, too, be there for yourself, live well – intentionally – and choose your companionship with care. It’s not about cards, candy, flowers, destinations, gifts, or spending money. It’s the love that matters. Celebrate that every day! 😀
It’s already night. Evening passed quietly. I was about to crash for the night, and realized I hadn’t written today, which is quite odd. I’m not bothered by it, at all, this isn’t a forced routine, and any requirement that might exist would be my own. I have no such firm requirement, I just happen to have a gentle routine that suits my nature, presently. I generally write in the morning, but… I nearly always have words. lol Time of day isn’t an important detail; I can begin again any time.
So I write a few words. They don’t really communicate the joy and peace of the day. It’s been quite lovely. I’m sure it helped to have gotten such a good night’s sleep last night – 10 hours of deep sleep. It was wonderful! It’s a three day weekend – maybe I’ll sleep in again tomorrow? I won’t do anything to make that less likely. I breathe, exhale, and relax.
I woke several times during the night, and returned to sleep with relative ease. I slept in, which wasn’t expected, but I’d made room for the possibility by not turning on my alarm at all. Sunrise comes later in the morning these days, but it still beat me to the trailhead. lol
…No idea why I was having such a restless night…
I set off down the trail as soon as I was parked and had my boots on…
A favorite spot to linger for a moment.
Yesterday, my Traveling Partner wanted a bit of time to himself to wake up and have his coffee, which is not a problem for me – it’s more of an opportunity. I poked around in retail spaces that sell used books looking for something particular to add to my wee library. I didn’t find it – and frankly didn’t expect to any more than I expect to see a herd of unicorns in the meadow on my morning walk. I was using the specific focus of my search to refine my attention, more than anything else. It was all for the joy of searching. What I did find is a 1979 12th edition Fanny Farmer cookbook – the very same cookbook which, along with the Better Homes and Gardens cookbook, and The Joy of Cooking, contained nearly all of my Dad’s “secret” recipes that were staples of my childhood. There are a lot of memories in those pages. $3 was not too much to pay for a cookbook in such great condition.
Recipes and memories
Being an older edition of this cookbook, the recipes are very much the ones I remember. My Better Homes & Gardens cookbook is a much later edition, by comparison, modernized more recently, and some of the changes to conform to modern dietary guidelines “break” the recipes (example, most of the recipes have simply had salt removed entirely and are quite bland). I can (and do) make corrections, but it’s nice when I don’t have to.
When I got home, I happily began looking for old favorites to try, and made a tuna casserole for dinner. It was definitely a tasty reminder of comfort foods of my childhood. I liked it well enough that it may join the rotation of everyday staple meals, or at least turn up on the table more often.
This morning is a cool, rainy one, at least here at the nature park. The trail is wet, and the meadow grass is wetter. The return of the rain reminds me that soon the seasonal marsh trail will close for the year, as the meadow soaks up more water, and becomes marshy once again. The geese are beginning to return, too. Autumn is approaching.
I breathe, exhale, and relax. I feel the pointless anxiety that chased me up the highway this morning begin to dissipate, with each deep breath of cool morning air. I fill my lungs with the scents of a rainy late summer morning at the edge of this meadow, and each time I exhale I imagine still more of my anxiety being released with my breath. It’s a simple enough exercise in visualization, and very effective. I’ve no particular reason to be anxious, but there it is; I deal with anxiety. Managing my anxiety such that it remains at a more or less normal level, serving to alert me appropriately to give attention to some legitimate concern and only that, is an ongoing challenge. I no longer take an Rx remedy – the side effects tended to be problematic – so I have to put enough consistent practice into self-soothing, non-attachment, and perspective to keep myself from succumbing to more severe episodes (and ideally also prevent panic attacks). When I am fortunate enough not to have much anxiety at all, it’s easy to think I’m “over it” or that it isn’t an issue for me anymore, but that’s an illusion, and it’s exceedingly foolish to give in to that bit of self deception. Steady practice and good self-care make more sense.
What am I so anxious about? It’s not even a question I actually have to ask, this morning. I just finished my first week at the new job, which has a 30-day “trial period” built into the contract. I don’t have any reason to expect that I won’t satisfy that requirement sufficiently well, it’s just a lingering awareness in the background with a lot of potential “what-if” attached, and this is a driver of anxiety for me. It is what it is. What it is, is a temporary circumstance, and utterly ordinary. “Nothing to see here”, but my anxiety doesn’t want to hear that. Everything could go wrong… On the other hand, there’s no reason at all to expect that things will go wrong… Anxiety is a liar.
I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s a lovely morning. I smile, thinking about a cookbook filled with recipes and memories. Today I’ll bake something, between housekeeping tasks. It is that day – a day to bring order from chaos, and get some things done before a new week begins. My anxiety nags me that I’ve only got three more weeks to “prove myself”, and I laugh out loud, startling a chipmunk I didn’t see until it darted away. I prove myself every day. I have for years. The thought makes me smile and my anxiety is gone for the moment, and has no power over me.
…The way out is through. It’s a journey, and I learn as I walk my path. We become what we practice…
I look down the trail, and up into the stormy sky. I smile to myself, remembering the new Hello Kitty tray my Traveling Partner made to hold my glasses when I am not wearing them. I feel very loved. I find myself eager to continue the day, and to return home to my beloved. Weekends are short – too short. I’m grateful to get to spend so much time together, and still have so many opportunities for a little solitude, too. It’s a nice balance.
I’ll sit with my thoughts a little while longer…soon enough it will be time to begin again.
I’m relaxing on a sunny hillside, looking out across the trees, to distant hills on the horizon. It looks much closer than it is. The breeze is cool on my face, the sunshine is warm on my back. The sound of laughter mingles with birdsong.
Here. Now.
For the moment I am relaxing at the day use area of this State Park where I’m camping – I can’t move into my campsite until a little later, but getting here early gave me the time and opportunity to switch up my campsite with one more suited to my limitations. Realistically, I wasn’t going to be easily able to hike my gear down to the more remote site I had booked, but it wasn’t obvious until I got here and looked at the trail conditions while I stood on my aching ankle.
The day use area is somewhat crowded. It’s a gorgeous day for picnics, bike rides, barbecues, and outings with family. It’s also a gorgeous day for solitude, but that’ll have to wait another hour. I get a short hike in on a pretty forest trail, and enjoy the views, before returning to the car to sip an iced coffee and wait for check in time.
Meadow flowers. The same flowers, when spotted in my garden, are weeds. Perspective.
It’s quite a bit later, now. About three hours later, and well into the afternoon, with several more hours of summer sunshine before nightfall comes. My camp is set up. It’s a very sunny camp site, and my tent is set up in the one corner with some afternoon shade. I swap my hiking boots for “camp sandals”, after applying Deet to exposed skin to minimize bug bites. I wet a handy compressed paper wash cloth/towel thing with ice water and wipe the sweat off my face and neck, which feels refreshing. I crack open a cold bottle of water and add a hydration mix to it. It’s time to relax for a little while, and get settled. Somewhere far away, sirens wail. The world is out there, somewhere, but for now I am here not dealing with any of that mess, just sitting here at the edge of the sunshine, listening to birdsong and breezes.
I smile thinking about the short conversation with my Traveling Partner, as I got my camp set up. He misses me. I miss him too, and it’s nice that we can say as much without any awkwardness or fussing over me taking this time. I do miss his face, though, and I cherish the words and cute “stickers” we share back and forth. I feel loved.
A tiny spider drops onto my shirt from somewhere and I jump up startled, swatting it away. Well shit, that was good for a bit of excitement. lol I breathe, exhale, and relax. I sit in the shade drinking my water and watching new campers arriving. I’m glad I’m already set up. It’s hotter now (but not actually hot), and somewhere nearby a small dog is yapping. I could do without the yapping dog…
Butterflies, birdsong, and breezes.
…Still, it’s quite a lovely moment, and I quickly forget about the yapping dog, lost in the moment, feeling the silky caress of the breeze, scented with meadow flowers (and Deet). These moments are so fleeting. I sigh contentedly, sitting in the sunshine with my thoughts.
Eventually, I’ll begin again… What then? There are so many paths to choose from…
Evening Light 