Archives for posts with tag: present

I beat the sun to the trailhead this morning by a few minutes. The morning is dark and peaceful before daybreak. I wait for enough light to see the trail before I walk.

The distant glow of the human experience doesn’t cast enough light to see by.

Yesterday was good. We got a lot done (together, as a family). The whole weekend was busy and productive. I got most of what was on my list finished. I feel a certain sense of accomplishment from that. The work involved, in this case, was 100% to do with my Traveling Partner’s comfort and refinements and quality of life improvements to his personal space. Comfort, ease, and accessibility matter, and we all worked together to complete projects towards this end (some of which had been planned nearly four years ago). It was satisfying work.

I promised myself at the start of the weekend that I would make time for something creative and that I would do at least one thing for myself, that wasn’t any sort of common domestic chore. I managed to live up to that commitment to myself, late Sunday evening, finally, after my feet were too sore to keep standing on them. No new paintings, but I did open my pastel case and carefully placed new pastels into their places, enjoying the displayed colors and giving myself over to artistic contemplation for a little while before calling it a night. It’s not much, but it was time spent on my own needs, my own way. Enough.

… Daybreak comes, and soon enough light to walk the trail…

It gets light so much later now. I breathe in the cool morning air. Fall is coming. There may yet be some very hot days ahead, but the days are definitely getting shorter, the mornings cooler, and the season is changing. Noisy trucks crossing the parking lot headed towards the construction site on the other side remind me this is a work day. (Fucking hell, humans, do you really have to make so g’damned much noise all the fucking time?)

A new day, a new chance to begin again.

I get my boots on, grab my cane, and head out. A new day is dawning. In practical terms, I know where this trail I’m walking will lead me, but in metaphorical terms, the “trail” ahead of me is a mystery, unfolding ahead of me, each new moment truly new and only revealed to me as I live the moment. There’s a lot of comfort and delight in that notion (for me). No reason to anticipate disaster, chaos, or pain; the future is not known. No exceptions. I breathe, exhale, and relax and start down the trail, eyes wide with wonder.

There’s a low mist clinging to the ground over the meadow, near the river beyond the trees. The air is fresh and sweet, and for the moment the morning is quiet as the sunrise begins. It’s enough to live this gentle moment. It’s a good time to begin again.

This moment is enough.

This morning begins well. Most mornings do. Mornings seem filled with peace and promise (from the perspective of this one mortal life). Sometimes they go horribly sideways and end badly, mostly they don’t. A really bad day sometimes causes me to lose awareness of how few days are truly “bad” for me, these days. Bad days happen. Everyone has occasional bad days. What characterizes a lifetime, though,  isn’t the presence of bad days, nor even how common or uncommon they may be, rather the ease with which a person can bounce back is what I find determines the character of a lifetime.

…I need more practice. Building resiliency takes time…

I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s a lovely morning. I slept well and deeply. I woke gently, dressed, and left the house. I watched the sun rise as I drove toward the nature park. The sky was an impressionist masterpiece of color, the sun peaking over the horizon a bold orange ball, illuminating the streaks of clouds in hues of pink, peach, and lavender. There were mists clinging in low places, and soft fresh breezes fragrant with Spring flowers.

Today is new and wonderful. Well, definitely new, potentially wonderful. A new day (or new beginning) is filled with potential. That’s enough to begin again with, isn’t it?

Another breath. I walk the trail, content in my solitude. Yesterday was a difficult day. Yesterday is behind me now. Today unfolds ahead of me on the path, undetermined, undecided, full of potential joy and delight.

…It’s enough…

My Traveling Partner pinged me a good morning greeting and let me know he also got the rest he needed so badly. He lets me know I am welcome at home, and it’s nice to hear that. I feel loved. I make a plan to come home at lunchtime, and maybe even start the weekend early…

Everyone has bad days. I definitely do. You do too, I  bet. It’s part of the human experience. Emotions can complicate an experience. We tend to catastrophize difficult moments and conflate one challenge with another. We’re prone towards being self-critical, and our thinking errors fill studious volumes. Still, bad days are as temporary as everything else, and they pass. The dawn of a new day is a new beginning.

…I breathe, exhale  and let go of yesterday…

…It’s time to begin again.

I ran a couple errands yesterday, and in spite of my relatively crappy mood, I had a pretty good time getting shit done. The day proceeded nicely from there. My mood improved over the course of the day, and the evening was a pleasant one spent watching a movie with my Traveling Partner. Win! 😀 Road conditions seemed much improved, and I decided (last night) to go ahead and go into the office (this morning).

…I reminded myself that Mother Nature does not fuck around, and Winter weather is no joke, and to be prepared and not be complacent about the road conditions in other places than where I’d been driving the day before. I planned ahead, made sure my cane was in the car, made sure my gas tank was already full, and double-checked the reported condition of the road and took a look at some of the highway cams closer to the city. Everything seemed to check out this morning, so I got into my car and hit the road heading to the office, giving both me and my Traveling Partner a bit of a break from each other after a couple days cooped up together continuously.

Winter being… Winter. Is it a park or an unexpected ice-skating rink? LOL

The drive in was fine. I knew I’d been wise to be cautious when I got near the “top of the hill” on my way in, though; all the signal lights were out, and the temperature had dropped from 38 degrees at home to 31 degrees as I neared the “peak elevation” (only about 400 ft higher than where I started my commute). I drove a couple miles of icy highway through an obvious power outage before dropping back down to a lower elevation as I approached the city. It didn’t really warm up at all – Portland is adjacent to the Columbia River and the cold air of the gorge often flows into the city and keeps it colder than surrounding areas. The streets were quite a bit icier than anywhere else I’d driven so far. I drove with care, and I’ve got AWD and good all-terrain/all-weather tires that are in good condition. I didn’t have any difficulties, and never lost traction. All good so far.

…Parking was complicated. The street in front of the office appeared to be more or less a continuation of the sprawling sheet of ice that is the park across the street. A thick, very firmly frozen coating of ice covered the entire block. It wasn’t possible to access the indoor parking; there was ice piled pretty thick across the entrance, making it impractical to trip the sensor to open the gate at all. Street parking, then. Well, sure, but there’s literally ice everywhere on this block… LOL Nonetheless, I managed it. The bigger challenge was getting from the car, across the street, and into the building! The thick hard glossy ice was also covered with a very thin layer of… melt water. Omfg. Super slippery. I should have thought to put on my Yaktrax, but literally did not think to locate them and put them within easy reach. (Stupid eventually finds us all, if only for a moment now and then.) I was grateful to have remembered my cane. Using my cane and being quite careful, I managed to cross the street without slipping or falling. Another win! 😀

…From here, I guess it’s an ordinary day. I mean, honestly, wasn’t it already? Just an ordinary Winter work day? I sip my coffee and think affectionate thoughts at my Traveling Partner, and hope that he’s getting the rest he needs without hearing my fingers clattering away on the keyboard while he tries to sleep. I make a bowl of instant grits, and enjoy the warmth of a nostalgic breakfast. My coffee goes cold before I can enjoy it fully; the office is chilly after so many icy days (and so many vast expanses of windows). I check the thermostat and bump the heat up a bit to take the chill off, and put a fleece on over my sweater, on my way to reheat my coffee in the microwave. I smile and take a minute for gratitude… I’ve got power, light, internet access, coffee, a hot breakfast… I’m fortunate. It’s Winter. Winter has killed uncountable human beings since the dawn of humankind, and continues to kill human beings to this day. I’m fortunate, indeed.

Mmmm… hot coffee. It’s time to begin again.

I’m sipping my coffee and noticing, once again, that I seemed to have paused my daily writing. There’s a lot going on in my brain, new, unprocessed experiences and thinking, the simple joys of living with love and contentment… a spring garden. Life’s natural ebb and flow competing with (and kicking the ass of) rigorous habit. lol It is what it is.

…Funny… It feels very much like “progress” to accept it so comfortably. 🙂

So. Instead of attempting to bend reality to my whim, or force real life to comply with my favorite version of myself, I’m just going with it. At least for now. Until I’ve learned the lesson, and have words to put around it… at least, for now. 🙂

Each evening my head is filled with points I’d like to make. Ideas I’d like to share. Practices I find that work. Notions that feel significant. Correlations between this and that. By morning it has all dissipated, like the clouds of vapor that had wrapped them so prettily the night before. lol This, too, is what it is, and one characteristic of all of it is that it will pass. No stress required.

Each new day I begin again. Some of them will be mornings on which I write. Others, perhaps not so much. 😀 Each new beginning worthy, each new beginning… truly new. What will I do with the moments that follow? Unknown. Unknown, at least, until I live them.

I queue up my playlist. Put on my headphones. I start the day.

…My coffee is just now drinking temperature. The clock does not wait for “my” moment. It’s time, already, to begin again. 😉

Where are you right now? Where are you going?

A city “made of gold”…only… it isn’t, at all, it’s “just a city”…only… it’s more than that…

Can you answer either of those questions without also answering the other? Is that why so many people seem to feel so lost?

It is a quiet morning in the company of friends. Sufficient. Unembellished. No spin. No argument. Just these moments. It’s quite lovely.

Are you present in this moment? Are you authentically you – and also making a point to be the person you most want to be?

I sit here smiling. Right now? Right now this is easy. 🙂