Archives for posts with tag: Get some sleep

Yesterday was rough. I’m glad it’s over. I mean… for most values of unpleasant experiences, it was not any sort of record-breaker. Snowy day during a pandemic, stuck in the house committed to a work day, fatigued and irritable from not sleeping well… there were so many things that could have gone much more seriously wrong than two people who love each other having a tough time communicating easily, and feeling frustrated, hurt, and cross with each other. Life is capable of delivering far worse upon a human being.

…It did snow… It was lovely.

It started rather suddenly, big fat flakes that splashed, at first, melting and cooling everything.
It wasn’t long before the forest beyond the deck rail was wintry, snow clinging everywhere – so much of the stuff than my Traveling Partner took down the overhead shades to prevent the weight of the snow from snapping off the poles that support them.
It was only a couple of hours of snowfall, and today, much of it is already gone.

I admit, I was in such a snit it was a real effort to really enjoy the snow at all, as much as I wanted to. My delight collided with my fatigue and irritability, and I just frankly did not find my way to a notably better experience. Clearly, my results vary. I need more practice.

I consider yesterday. I consider today. Certainly, the start of a new day helps a lot. I’m literally not the same person I was yesterday, in the sense that I am 1. an entire day older, 2. a whole day’s worth of experience more actually experienced and operating with more knowledge, 3. benefiting from an entire night of good sleep, and 4. fortunate to have a partnership with a growth mindset, real love, and mutual recognition and respect for each other. It’s just not always a lovely afternoon walk holding hands, is all. There are things that I know I can do better – for myself, and for my relationships. That’s just real. Today I focus on lessons learned, and new practices – and reinforcing the ones that work well to support this strange journey. Love is worth that.

So. Another beginning. Another step along this journey. I smile when I start to type something commonplace about “staying on the path”… I think about recent trail walks at Airport Park, and wonder what it looked like there, yesterday, in all that snow… “Maybe next time,” I tell myself.

Busy day of work. Personal growth ongoing in the background. (I call it “multi-tasking”. lol) Breathe, exhale, relax… and begin again.

…And… Last night was nothing like a good night’s sleep, at all. No kidding. I “woke up” groggy, too, to the infernal ceaseless beeping of my alarm clock. I snarled a silent “good morning” at that thing, and with a single swat to silence it, I got up, and got started on a new day.

…So tired. So groggy. At least it is a Friday. That’s something. 🙂

My coffee tastes good this morning, luxurious with a splash of half-n-half in it. That’s also something. 🙂

One thing at a time, I begin to assemble a morning, that can become a day. I am starting with the things that are enough. Sufficiency is a more comfortable place that striving, grasping, and reaching ever farther for something more. Having, being, or doing “enough” is, quite literally, enough. lol

I continue to sip my coffee, half-amusing myself (and half quite seriously) by considering whether program management software (like Jira) would be a good choice to manage projects at home… lol It’s just that there is so much to do in life, and I’m constantly forgetting in one moment a project or consideration that seems “more important” long-term… and wouldn’t it be easier for two people to plan together when the planning is right there, where it can be easily reviewed? I don’t know… this coffee, right here, seems far more practical in this moment.

I glance at the time. How is it already time to head to work? I yawn. Finish my coffee… and begin again. 🙂

It feels like a winter morning. Not like an icy cold late winter morning, with everything frozen, or blanketed with snow, more like a winter-feeling late fall morning, on the edge of winter, with cold temperatures and lingering reminders how recent summer really was, piled up with soggy leaves, clinging to the pavement – more like that: cold, damp, rainy, fairly dismal, weather-wise. My coffee is hot. I woke peculiarly thirsty, and the cold glass of water next to my coffee is very refreshing. My clothes were chosen for comfort – a soft t-shirt, under a baggy saggy comfy sweater, a favorite pair of jeans, my hiking boots. It’s that kind of day, I think, with the weekend closing in, and some difficulty really waking up.

…At least I got some sleep, though. I pause to appreciate getting some rest. My sleep has been pretty shitty, generally, for some days (weeks?). Groggy mornings, busy days, relaxed evenings… all leading, day after day, to the same challenge with falling deeply asleep; I’m just not doing that. I linger for, apparently, hours in a light sleep, half-waking, half sleeping, occasionally dreaming, occasionally waking. With my Traveling Partner out of town for a few days, I think we both sort of expected my sleep would improve. It hasn’t. Not in any noteworthy way. I’m back to getting enough rest, at least, I think. Small improvement, but it matters.

I go over my “everyday carry” inventory with considerable care; I’m not particularly sharp early in the morning, these days. I think that’s when my lack of adequate sleep is most obvious, honestly, these first couple hours after waking… and the last couple before I finally crash in the evenings. Busy hours between end up a blur too often.

I wonder eagerly how things are going for my Traveling Partner. He is traveling for work. It’s an exciting time for him, professionally. We miss each other, chatting each evening without drama, stress, or contentious words. The reciprocal professional consideration, and supportive kind words, are a truly lovely feature of this partnership. I’m proud of him, excited for him, and feeling positive about the future. It’s a nice experience.

I yawn and drink more coffee, then more water, and back to more coffee. So tired. I could easily go right back to bed, right now. lol I look ahead to the weekend, and “sleeping in” at least once. I check the time. Yeah. Already. You know it. For a moment, it stalls me with my reluctance to face the moment, before yielding to it, and inevitably embracing the need; it’s time to begin again. 😉

Real life happens. It shreds my planning pretty regularly. Yours, too? I imagine so. 🙂

I sip my coffee, groggy, reluctant to fully wake, and wistfully contemplating my still-warm bed just there, in the other room… Had this morning gone according to plan, I’d already be at work right now. I’m quite content to be sipping my coffee on a more ordinary morning than that. The long work day, and late-ish evening, and the difficulty getting sufficiently relaxed soon enough to find sleep just mean I’m groggy. Tired. Still disoriented and kind of stupid. I keep sipping my coffee – rather more aggressively than most mornings. I’ll certainly have another. lol

Change is a thing. I knew that “before I knew that”, I mean, those words all have meanings I understood. At this point, I sometimes wonder why I fought it so hard, so often? I chuckle remembering the first time (I think, from my perspective now) that I heard the phrase “embrace change” – it was in the context of work, and seemed… amusing, more than inspiring or motivating. My cynicism at that time definitely got in the way of my personal progress. Also a thing. I had to make a point of learning to be open to change, even learning to be open to growth, to success, to love. It was hardest when it turned out some of those things weren’t at all what I thought they were. lol I also had to learn to be open to discovery, generally, because often things were not what they seemed, when I began to explore them more deeply.  At some point, it became easier to ask “what does this even mean, really?” in the face of change, rather than fight it, or struggle with a fading reality, clinging to something that is slipping away.

I am rambling. Still groggy. Bits and pieces of consciousness a bit like a large box of unsorted photographs of distant relatives and long-past vacations, spilling out, tumbling down in disarray, becoming words on a page, lacking theme or direction, or (possibly) coherence. lol I drink coffee. I write words. It is too early on too little sleep to do also do it very well. 🙂

The end of the work day seems quite far away. My Traveling Partner seems nearer, somehow, although he is quite a way away, yet, he is nearer than yesterday at this time. 😀 Will I see him tonight? Maybe. Maybe tomorrow after I get my hair done. Definitely Thursday for the concert. Damn I am so tired, right now, already. I remind myself that each day ends with a night, and I yearn for night to come so I can sleep some more. lol

Coffee’s gone. I’ll need another. It’s time to begin again. 🙂