Archives for posts with tag: ptsd
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Why Be Mad, Though?

July 24, 2025 //
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A piece of trim fell off my everyday glasses a couple days ago, and I haven’t found it. I’m working in the office, instead of from home as I had planned. The coffee drive-through I like to frequent on a workday didn’t open this morning. I poked myself in the eye by mistake. I forgot the midday snack I’d meant to bring for later. I stubbed my toe on my way into the office and dropped my computer bag on my foot.

All of these are minor aggravations barely worth a moment of my attention. There are no bombs dropping here – a useful observation for some perspective. There was a time when any one of these things would have had me angry enough, frustrated enough, to really mess up my day. I’m grateful to practice other practices, these days, than uncontrolled anger and frustration*. Anger and frustration not only wreck my own mood, but they are “contagious” to be around, and tend to degrade the quality of any shared experience. It helps to put these things into context, to frame them differently, and to understand them in a broader perspective (which is a choice I can make).

…So I do that…

I’ve got another pair of glasses with the correct prescription in them (I feel both grateful and fortunate). I have the convenient option to work in the office or from home any day; it’s my choice either way (and I am fortunate to have that choice and appreciate it greatly). There’s decent quality local coldbrew on tap in the office that is provided at no (direct) cost (and I’m grateful to have it). Poking myself in the eye did no lasting damage, and already doesn’t hurt at all (only minutes later). I forgot my snack, but I remembered my lunch, so it doesn’t actually matter. My foot aches a bit but I’ve got my cane handy anyway, and it is a minor aggravation that lacks meaning (even as pain) in the context of the everyday experience of chronic pain – it could be worse. Hell, I’m grateful to be able to walk.

…Better…

So, I breathe, exhale, and relax, and sip my icy cold brew. It’s not a great cup of coffee and the morning has not been a great experience, but it’s only a moment out of a day, and it will pass. I find the experience of anger fairly toxic – my own anger, within myself, specifically. I don’t care for the experience of feeling angry, or having someone in my vicinity dealing with their own experience of anger. It is, for me, wholly unpleasant. It is also reported to be unhealthy to squelch it entirely and take no action to resolve whatever has brought it to the surface in the first place. There’s a balance to strike with regard to anger. Venting doesn’t work to resolve anger – it just tends to become a practice of being angry. Not a great state of being (or practice), in my opinion, and I like to choose (and cultivate) other more positive ways to approach circumstances*. Gratitude certainly feels better than anger…

I have a lot to be grateful for. I sip my coffee contentedly and prepare to begin again.

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*And I do have to actually choose and actually practice! Anger management is a skill that needs to be cultivated and practiced and worked at and… I’m very human. My results vary. lol I’m ever so much better at keeping my anger in check in a healthy way and communicating my feelings with care these days than I was years ago, but it has taken years of practice. Be patient with yourself, if you struggle with anger. Keep practicing. Incremental change over time will win… in time. 😀

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Categories anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Frustration, gratitude, Healthy Living, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Summer, The Art of Being

A Little Rain Will Fall

July 21, 2025 //
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I’m sipping my coffee and looking out the window on a gray, somewhat rainy, morning. It rained all the way to the office, although calling it “rain” may stretch the point a bit; it was more of a sprinkle, but steady, occasionally becoming a brief shower. I enjoy summer rains. The fragrance is amazing. My back doesn’t care for them so much, the pain of my arthritis is similarly “amazing”, at least as a measure of severity. lol

What a lovely productive weekend. I reflect on the time spent in my Traveling Partner’s good company. There were occasional moments of discord, “wrong notes” in our otherwise lovely symphony. I’m okay with it – there’s gonna be a little rain now and then, however pleasant the climate, in most circumstances. It wasn’t even anything that amounts to a big deal, just little moments where we were ever so slightly “out of step” with each other, and moments when I took some little thing personally that wasn’t at all. It’s quite possible that I was simply cranky because the timing of my Ozempic was a little off due to the kerfufle with the fucking pharmacy and the lack of reliable availability of this medication. When things went a little awry, we made suitable apologies and took steps to restore harmony, though the evening seemed to end on a somewhat frosty note. Here too, I think it’s likely just me, reading something into the circumstances that maybe isn’t there at all. Small stuff can stay small, not gonna worry about something that likely doesn’t need that kind of “cling wrap” – no reason to keep it fresh. lol

Another Monday. 24 left in this calendar year. The time is passing quickly. I breathe, exhale, and relax, and prepare for a new day. I’ve got an errand to run after work that will take me down the commuter-crowded highways and freeways, about an hour in traffic, then turn around and make the longer-still trip home for the evening. It’ll be a long day. My Traveling Partner needs some shelving for a project, and honestly I’m so happy to see him back on his feet doing projects that I’m happy to run errands to keep that going for him. Then I remember the huge box full of styrofoam forms that is in the back of my car waiting to go to the drop-off point for such items, and wonder if I can even get the shelves into the car… I sigh to myself, and go to the website to have a look at the dimensions. I’d rather not even bother my beloved with my sudden doubts, and I have the resources to sort it out myself. Shit. I need the entire cargo space. What to do about the damned box now that I’m already at the office? Another sigh. I feel more than a little stupid not to have remembered the box while I was home, I could have just unloaded it. (Would it be reasonable to do that here, at the office, and then put it back in the car tomorrow?) (I can’t even inquire until much later; I’m alone in the office until after 09:00 a.m. most days.)

I sip my coffee, distracted by the practical details of an errand that doesn’t even become “a thing” until later today. Aren’t human beings strange creatures? We struggle to let things go once we’ve turned our attention to them (at least I do), even when there is no immediate need to sort things out. The only reason this fucking box is even in the car instead of already gone is that it is for an appliance we have not decided yet to keep. (Difficult to return without the packaging!) Another sigh. It’s a small problem to solve, and if I keep fussing over it I’ll neither solve it (reasons) nor enjoy my peaceful morning moment (due to not being able to solve it or let it go). Fucking primate brain. I chuckle to myself and look out on the rainy morning.

Gosh I hope my Traveling Partner has a good day today! He’s got a lot going on with his current project to rearrange his work and personal spaces to better suit his current needs. It requires quite a lot of moving of furniture and some heavy objects from where they sit to a different location, and of course all the smaller items that fit into or on those heavier pieces have to be moved first (and then again, last). It’s a lot to tackle. Over the weekend, I helped as much as I could, when asked. I also know doing the work himself is meaningful for my partner. There’s a balance to strike, and I often struggle with that sort of thing. Good practice, I guess. I sip my coffee thinking about love and partnership. And peaches. For some reason I am also thinking about peaches. lol

The rain spatters the window. My email pings me. It’s a new day and time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Inconvenient Circumstances

July 16, 2025 //
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I’m sipping my coffee contemplating the busy work day ahead. I’m okay with it. I’m fortunate to have a job I enjoy. I’m grateful for that; I know too well what it feels like to be trapped in some day-to-day grind because the paycheck is necessary and the options are few. I’m sneezing, though – allergies – and not really looking forward to interacting with people all day. Another hot summer day ahead, too, and the AC in the office already sounds like it is “working too hard”, which does not bode well for comfort. Add to that, my pharmacy has still not been able to refill my Ozempic, and now I’m 3 days overdue for a shot that should be done weekly at about the same time each week. On top of simply being annoyed by that, I’m starting to “feel effects” of going without medication that does so much more than provide a little help with weightloss. This medication, for me, successfully manages my blood sugar, my blood pressure, and helps with certain consequences of my brain injury, too (which was unexpected but very much valued and at this point, relied upon). I sigh and drink my coffee – at least I’ve still got coffee in the morning, though I wonder how long that will last?

I breathe, exhale, and relax. The lack of my medication is not likely to become life-threatening (I hope), but I’m angry that the medical needs of real people matter so little, in comparison to profits, or supply chain efficiency, or systems and processes within large corporate hierarchies. (Looking your way, global pharmacy systems, and fuck you for not caring about the people you serve.) Another breath. Another slow steady exhalation. Another attempt at relaxing and letting small shit stay small. It requires practice.

I’m not in a great mood this morning, and I remind myself again (and thank my Traveling Partner for his patient reminders yesterday evening) that this abrupt change in my medication is going to affect things like mood (and mood management) and impulse control, and all sorts of seemingly unrelated “little things” that taken together don’t always feel small at all. Knowing I’ll be “dealing with people” all day, I calm myself with meditation, and a few minutes of quiet reflection on the moment and the day. Things are fine for most values of “fine”, and I’m okay in most practical senses of that word. This will pass.

I did try to arrange to have my prescription filled at a different local pharmacy within the pharmacy chain I generally use, and that looked do-able from the perspective of yesterday. This morning the pharmacy app indictes that my refill remains “delayed” with no expectation that it will be filled before tomorrow at 3 pm – an availability commitment that continues to be pushed back every day. The pharmacist said, yesterday, that they just haven’t been receiving this medication in their orders, in spite of ordering it repeatedly. “It’s not available.” (I wonder if it is the heat? It is a temperature sensitive medication, and degrades quickly once not refridgerated. We’re in the middle of summer heat that comes with a hazard warning, although it isn’t being discussed as a “heat wave”… I could see that potentially stopping shipments of some kind, but g’damn, we’re talking about fucking medication here!)

Another sigh. Another cycle of breath. Another attempt to get my mind (and mood) to move on from this irritation… my results vary. My coffee is tasty, though, and I focus on that pleasant detail, here, now. A breeze tosses the branches of the trees beyond the window, and the lush green leaves flutter and twist. Pretty. There’s a clear blue sky overhead. The morning is already warm. My head aches. My tinnitus is loud. This room is quiet, aside from the woosh of the AC in the background. Breathe, exhale, relax… repeat. I still feel bitchy and cross, and I’d really like very much to complain about… something, but I’m aware that it really could be worse, and that as things go generally it’s fine. I think of my Traveling Partner at home, probably still sleeping, and I smile to myself; just knowing he exists in the world is a thought that fills me with love and delight. I’m fortunate. Perspective.

Choose your experience; we’re live and unscripted.

We can’t necessarily change the circumstances we find ourselves in, but we can change how we react and respond to those circumstances. We can make choices that improve our experience. There’s a lot of power in that. I sit with that thought awhile. How would I respond to these circumstances if I were indeed the woman I most want to be? Can I make that happen, in these circumstances, now? What would that look like? What practices can I count on to get me there? We become what we practice.

…No AI anywhere can help you with that; you’ve got to practice the practices yourself, and do the verbs…

Practice the practices that take you closer to being the human being you most want to be.

It’s a new day. Another chance to be the woman I most want to be. Another opportunity to live well and treat others with kindness and compassion. Another day to do my best. I make a note on the notepad beside me, a reminder for later. It’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5, weight loss secrets

Enjoying Now

July 15, 2025 //
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I’m sipping my coffee and self-soothing an unexpected surge in anxiety through grounding myself in this moment, right here, now. I’m not sure why I woke feeling so anxious – most likely it was to do with waking up half an hour later than my planned wake-up, groggy, blurry-eyed, and feeling like every detail of the day was somehow thrown off over a small matter of timing. (It isn’t actually thrown off at all, in any practical sense.) I watered the lawn, headed to the office, and began the day in quite the usual way, without any stress, other than this unpleasant and unnecessary surge in my anxiety. I breathe, exhale, and relax, and working on letting that go. “Nothing to see here.”

Yesterday was a nice break from having a “crowded house” (for some values of “crowded” lol). My Traveling Partner and I enjoyed leisure moments talking about what we want to accomplish. It feels nice to connect more deeply, and to talk about what matters most to us, together. I admitted that I miss my wee library and my studio. We talked about the lack of opportunity for intimacy and individual solitude. It wasn’t a difficult or contentious conversation, just one that felt a bit overdue perhaps, and we welcomed the discussion (or so it appeared to me). We talked next steps and planning. We hung out together in comfortable intimacy, long-time friends, cherished lovers, partners.

“Baby Love” blooming in the heat, a memento of love.

I think ahead to my planned camping trip the first week of August. I’ll head out to the Clackamas River and camp solo, taking some “me time” to “get my head right”, hiking and meditating, writing, taking pictures, and maybe painting. I need this time for myself, most especially lacking any opportunity to be at home alone, like, ever. I feel a certain bit of irritation every time I realize, again, that the Anxious Adventurer has been alone in my home more hours (days) than I have myself – and I’ve been there five years to his one year. Circumstances have a lot to do with it, and I’m not begrudging anyone their alone time, just wishing I had a bit more, myself, without having to take off for the coast or the forest. I sigh to myself; resentment is an obstacle on the path. I exhale and let that go. I’m very much looking forward to my camping trip, and I’ll gear up for a bit of glamping, taking the solar generator, the camp fridge, and the cot (and extra padding for real comfort).

…It’s more about the solitude and opportunity for self-reflection than anything else…

I find myself thinking about the challenges the Anxious Adventurer found himself having with gear he wasn’t familiar with (the generator, solar panels, and fridge, which he took with him camping this week), and wonder if he understands the role his own resistance to learning plays in his experience day-to-day? I had listened as my Traveling Partner attempted, more than once, to explain how to connect the equipment, what to expect, how to use it skillfully, and some basic best practices for getting the most out of the gear – and I had watched as the Anxious Adventurer persistently got in his own way, reluctant to listen, distracted, and taking a foolhardy (and in other circumstances quite dangerous) “performative” approach to demonstrating mastery instead of being vulnerable and open to new information. I mean, I get it; that was once me. (Sometimes still is; changing myself takes practice.) Vulnerability didn’t feel “safe” for much of my early adult life.

It was my Traveling Partner who pointed out how my need to demonstrate “mastery” (even of things I didn’t actually have much knowledge of) amounted to self-sabotage, and helped me get past this thing that (for me) amounted to a critical character flaw. A book called “Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals” by Heidi Grant Halvorson was important for helping me really understand what he was communicating, more deeply. (I’m fortunate that I am able to learn quite a lot from reading, and that I am open to new knowledge and willing to practice things I want to become skilled at.) I’m grateful for the part my partner has played in being where I am these days. His willingness to be honest with me, to encourage me, to hear me out and offer guidance based on his own experiences has been incredibly useful – and profoundly loving. I dislike criticism (who doesn’t?), and it can be hard to hear things that sound critical, however well intended, but it is so important to be open to new perspectives, and willing to “see the world through other eyes”. I’m grateful for the shared journey. It is a reciprocal experience; he has learned from me along the way, too.

Where this really started, back in 2010, and a moment of gratitude for the love of the man who shared it with me, then, and remains with me, still.

We each have to make our journey ourselves, as it happens. No friendly guidance can take the steps on the path for us. We’re walking our own path more or less alone, and our choices and actions are our own. Are you getting in your own way? You don’t have to. You’re making choices.

It’s a journey with a lot of stairs to climb…

I’m not saying any of this from the perspective of some perfect higher truth or from the perspective of knowing or certainty. I’m a flawed human being, and I’m looking ahead to a future I can’t see. I make mistakes. I’m just one human being, willing to share what I’m learning – while I’m still practicing and still seeking to become the person I most want to be. I’m not telling you what to do, how to live, or being critical of your choices – those are your own, along with any consequences, and I wish you well. Sincerely. It’s already hard enough to succeed and thrive in this limited mortal lifetime without having to dig out from the piled on cruelty and criticism of the world strangers on the internet – I do want to share some few little things I learn as I travel my path. Maybe you find them helpful, maybe not.

We become what we practice. It’ll be much easier to practice being the person you most want to be, if you have some sense of who that is.

What do you value? What is your idea of “good character”? Where does your path lead? What are you practicing – and will it get you where you hope to go? These things are all connected, and they are important questions to ask, and to try to answer (even though the answers may change over time). I sip my coffee and think my thoughts, enjoying this moment of self-reflection before I begin this new day in earnest. This few minutes of contemplation has put my anxiety to rest, and my sense of timing is back on track. The sun is up. It’s time to begin again.

Ask the questions. Do the verbs.
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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5

On the Matter of Opinion

July 14, 2025 //
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People can be so matter-of-fact about their opinions. We treat them as facts. We get so spun up over differences between our own opinion and the opinion of others, we forget that relationships and people matter more. Many of us express opinions – strongly – for which we have limited actual knowledge or data with which to support some opinion that is often little better than a sound-bite we snatched from a social media feed, and become pushy when people we value disagree, in spite of our lack of any actual knowledge. It’s messy. Humans are complicated, and we regularly over-simplify what is happening around us, seeking to reduce every discussion to a very basic either/or dilemma, instead of embracing uncertainty and nuance and approaching the world with curiosity – and compassion.

Why am I on about this, this morning? Because the media and big corporate advertisers and our own elected officials are constantly trying to manipulate our opinions, not to get at “the truth”, but primarily for profit. Are you being bamboozled by bullshit? I saw a headline in my feed this morning that read “we asked 5 chefs what their favorite vanilla ice cream is, and they all said this” and laughed out loud. In what way is a sample size of 5 at all significant? It isn’t. That wasn’t news – it was barely sponsored content (and almost certainly AI generated) – it’s just an unoriginal narrative intended to sell a particular brand of ice cream, nothing more. Five people think it’s the best vanilla ice cream? Out of how many people who eat ice cream? Insignificant. This isn’t even the most ridiculous example of the mockery of truth on display for everyone to see (and potentially be mislead by).

If you want to see an example of massive manipulation of public opinion, I suggest the ongoing saga of the crimes of Jeffrey Epstein, which more and more looks (to me) like a very direct actual no-foolin’ cover-up of possible past crimes of our current president. No kidding – why else would he fight so very hard to redirect our attention? Ghislaine Maxwell went to prison for 20 years for “enticement of minors and sex trafficking of underage girls” – for Jeffrey Epstein and his friends. Doesn’t look like anyone but Ghislaine is going to see a conviction for their part in the crimes against Epstein’s victims. I promise you, he wasn’t the only person abusing those girls – there are too many photos of too many parties, and too many people, and too many stories. Trump himself is in too many pictures with Epstein, friendly, partying, laughing together, for him to be immune from scrutiny. They had history together socially. So. Here we all are, being lied to and mislead. (My opinion.)What are you going to do about it? Anything at all? Or is it just easier to allow the rapist-in-chief to redirect your attention?

Hollyhocks blooming. This is not an opinion.

I sip my coffee and let it go. People are what they are. We excuse and justify the bad acts of people we favor, but seek to harshly penalize anyone we “other” and look on with disdain. I don’t get how rapists get a pass, but immigrants willing to work hard seeking a better life for their families are criminalized. It’s a very peculiar thing, in my opinion. Our justice system and our government are broken and we don’t seem competent to fix them. Hell, we can’t even take care of the planet we live on, or our own sick or poor or elderly. We’re too busy chasing some illusion of happiness and scapegoating anyone we think may be in our way, while we disagree over who deserves what amount of pay for what sorts of labor and pretending that billionaires “earned” what they have.

I breath, exhale, and relax, and let it go – again. I’ve got my opinions. Clearly. You’ve got yours. That’s a certainty. Maybe humanity will eventually figure this shit out – or go extinct, another failed species, too stupid to survive. Wow. That sounds grim. I look out the window at the clear blue summer sky and sigh. I’m human, too. I’ve got my opinions, some of them suck and are wildly ill-informed, others demonstrate my potential as a human being in a more positive way. Sharing them is mostly pretty fucking pointless; most of humanity is standing around waiting to talk – or to be told what their opinion is by someone they assume knows more than they do, themselves. I’m not even in a bad mood this morning… I’m just annoyed by a headline that suggests a sample size of 5 matters at all, and I’m disappointed by the painful awareness that many people won’t even give that a second thought; they’ll just go buy the ice cream.

Potted geranium blooming. Also not an opinion.

My coffee is pleasant, well-made, icy. I slept well and deeply and woke feeling rested. Hell, I’m not in any pain right at the moment, none at all – not even my almost-ever-present headache! I take a moment to be present in this moment, aware of my lack of pain, savoring this experience long enough to really enjoy it. I don’t doubt it will pass, at some point, that’s the way moments work – but here, now, in this moment? I feel pretty good. It’s a lovely day. There are no bombs dropping here. No annoying voices in the background. The workday ahead looks routine and the work in front of me manageable. The bills are paid. The pantry is stocked. I’ve got a full tank of gas. I’ve got a Traveling Partner who loves me dearly and does a lot to make feel feel appreciated and wrapped in this enduring love we share. He makes all sorts of little things to delight me and make life better. I’ve got a nice little house. My stepson does everything he knows how to do, most days, to be helpful, to deepen his emotional intelligence, and to improve his “life skills” such that he’s a valued family member in our household – no small thing. My commute was pleasant and easy, in spite of there being much more traffic (due to timing). The office AC is working efficiently.

It is a better experience to appreciate the view than to be angry about the traffic.

There’s much to be grateful for, and I sit with those thoughts awhile. It’s unhealthy to stew in aggravation, bitterness, disappointment, and vexation with “humanity” – and it is a corrosive practice, generally, that never got me anywhere good. We become what we practice. Practice bitterness and cynicism, and life becomes characterized by the terrible things going on in the world, chronically disappointing, and we lose hope. Practice gratitude – authentically – and we become appreciative of the good things in our lives, and more easily able to be resilient in the face of terrible times, and potentially more able to find solutions, because we are clear-headed, and grounded in the things we know work. Or something. It works for me. I share these thoughts with you, because maybe you’ll find value here (for some values of “value”)… or be inspired to do more/better, or simply to begin again and make some small change for the better in your life. I smile to myself at the thought; these are my experiences, and also my opinions. Maybe they’re worth something, maybe they aren’t. I don’t even know that it matters to anyone but me…but I can hope.

I glance at the time. The clock is ticking. Are you ready to begin again? I am.

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Categories 2024 Election, Allegories, anger, Anxiety, breathe, Despair, Fiction, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5, turning 60, War and News of War, Words
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