Archives for the month of: November, 2024
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Here It Comes

November 20, 2024 //
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I woke tired from a restless night of strangely lively surreal dreams. My walk felt short, and rushed. My day already feels busy and “crowded” with things that must get done before daybreak tomorrow, and the start of a few days of downtime spent attending to my emotional needs, and indulging artistic inspiration. Self-care is important and worth the time commitment to get a few things done so I can be away without concern, but… good grief I feel so busy right now.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s the start of the workday, and looks to be an easy one. Routine, at least. Then home early enough to take my Traveling Partner to an appointment, then a quick shopping trip, then make (and enjoy) dinner, then pack (omg I should have worked from home today) and load the car, then, if there’s still time, a little time spent just chilling with my partner enjoying the last of the evening. Yeah, it feels like a busy day, but I’ve got a plan, and it’s not really “all that” – it just feels busy. Another breath. Another moment.

I’m in so much pain lately. A few days to myself to sit with that without also feeling like I’ve got to mask it to avoid making everyone around me uncomfortable will be a nice “luxury”. There’s more stress than I want to admit in having to “put a good face on it” when I hurt like this. Pain relief measures only do so much, and I’m not willing to take (nor am I prescribed) the quantities of painkillers it would take to shut down this amount and intensity of my personal combination of arthritis and headache pain. It is what it is. I’m also not willing to let pain call my shots or totally wreck my experience; there’s more to life than the pain I’m in. I remind myself often. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it just annoys me. Sometimes being annoyed about it helps in its own way. My Traveling Partner endures his own pain. Hell, even the Anxious Adventurer deals with pain – and frankly, most people do, to some extent, I guess. The challenge is not being a dick about it, and doing the most we each can to go ahead and live a good life in spite of the pain we’re in, and to remain mindful that we can’t possibly fully understand the pain someone else is in. Ever. Even if they say. We just can’t know their experience the way they do. So…I try to manage mine, and mostly keep it to myself. It’ll be nice to have a couple days to just sit and weep over it, while I paint, if that’s where it takes me, and not be worried that anyone else will be affected by those tears, or my pain.

Beyond the pain, I’m looking forward to a couple days of watching the tide come and go, and sitting with my thoughts – and my grief – and just “getting my head right” in my own way. The holidays are coming. The first in decades that my Dear Friend won’t be part of that experience in any way. That hurts more than I expected it to. No need to think about what to send her. No need to share anecdotes or pictures. No need to message her on Giftmas morning so she doesn’t experience the morning alone. No need to delight her with my curiosity about what my Traveling Partner may have gotten me, or made me, this year. She’s just…not here. My sorrow tries to swamp me every time I remember, and I really need to get past that somehow. It’s a lot. Granny? Gone, too. And Mom. And my long-gone girlfriend, T. There are unshed tears waiting their turn to fall, and I need to allow myself time for that this year.

I’m eager to hit the road, and hit the trail. Eager to walk my own path and feel my feelings (there’s no shame in these honest tears). I’m eager to begin again on the other side; the way out is through.

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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, grief, health, inspiration, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, women

Give Me a Break

November 19, 2024 //
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My sleep was restless and disturbed by strange vivid dreams. I woke several times during the night, but seemed to have gotten enough rest to get through another day. I woke to find an irritated message from my Traveling Partner, a reminder about a preference regarding housekeeping. Although I appreciate the reminder for what it is, I could do without the “tone”.

… I remind myself it’s difficult for an able, skilled, adult man to find himself so thoroughly dependent on his partner’s assistance and cut him some slack…

I’m working my ass off day-to-day to keep shit caught up, and meet all the complex needs of the household… and I’m feeling pretty cross this morning. The lack of basic consideration being shown to me by everyone counting on me for so much seems lacking – inappropriately so. I remind myself everyone is human and that my efforts are appreciated… but fucking hell I do wish they were reciprocated more often! Particularly where housekeeping and cooking are concerned. I know my Traveling Partner’s limitations legitimately hold him back, for the time being, but the Anxious Adventurer has no such limitations and seems unaware just how much extra work I do that I’d like some fucking help with. Being fair, he’s generally helpful when I ask, but g’damn there’s a fucking ton of everyday shit that is obvious and right in front of him. Dishes. Cooking dinner. Picking up the mail. Laundering towels.

… I shouldn’t bitch; he does quite a bit of project stuff I can’t get to at all because of everything else. I’m just tired. I need a break, and I’m getting one very soon. I relax when I think about it. Day after tomorrow. 😀

I guess it mostly just aggravates me that it often feels like I’m the only one actively putting effort – a lot of effort – into quality of life basics (like dishes, and counter tops). It’s probably not an accurate perception. Perhaps I’m feeling resentful of how little time is left to take care of myself or do anything fun that I want to do for myself, once everyone else’s needs are met? I should figure out how to speak up about that before the pressure builds to some ridiculous emotional explosion.

… It’s especially nice to come home to the dishes being done. It’s rare. I’d love to hear someone offer to take care of the evening meal so I don’t have to. Also exceedingly rare. I can ask for these kinds of things, but that leaves 100% of the mental work of having it in mind still on me. That sucks. I’d rather be thinking about art. lol Waaaah! Adulting is hard!

I breathe exhale and relax. I need a break and I’m taking one. Then I can begin again.

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Categories art and the artist, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Vaxxed and Boosted

November 18, 2024 //
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Good weekend. I woke feeling rested and alert, grateful for a wake time so reliable that setting my alarm for p.m. instead of a.m. by mistake didn’t matter at all; I woke within 10 minutes of my planned time. No stress. Very little pain. It’s a good start to the day.

At my Traveling Partner’s request, and to attempt to meet more of life’s demands more easily with less stress, I changed my weekend routine a bit. Changes in routine are ridiculously difficult for me (and this may be true for a lot of people who live with the consequences of head trauma). It’ll take some practice to get the details down such that it actually feels “routine” again. It’s fine. As I said, it was a good weekend.

Yesterday I made time to finish up my annual vaccinations. Got my RSV vaccine – I’m old enough now for that one to be recommended, so I made a point to get it. Got the second shot for the shingles vaccine, too. I don’t want shingles, and if a vaccination is going to reduce my risk, I’m definitely getting it.

I know there are a lot of people with reservations about getting vaccinated. I don’t actually understand that, except in the case of people with certain very specific health concerns that make some vaccines higher risk than the risk of exposure to the condition they protect against. I’m old enough to remember polio being a serious concern, and to have older family members who actually had polio.  Smallpox is another huge vaccine success story. Measles, too. The science is clear and convincing; vaccination is effective risk reduction against a bunch of very nasty diseases. The Army, in my era of service, was pretty non-negotiable and no nonsense about vaccines; we stood in a long queue together in basic training and got vaccinated, one by one, against everything they had a fucking shot for. lol They got no argument from me.

…I think people have forgotten how commonplace and devastating some of these diseases were…

Do I want to be first in line to take a brand new vaccine with limited medical history? Maybe not. I suppose it depends on my risk and the lethality or negative outcomes of the disease. (I was pretty eager to get the COVID vaccine.) I don’t like taking any kind of new pharmaceutical. I feel more comfortable when I know there’s a history of efficacy and that the research shows it’s safe to take. But, with that in mind, I’m definitely “pro-vaccine”, given demonstrated efficacy and safety. I’ve had the flu shot most years since I was an adult free to make my own decision about it. The years I missed it were generally about not being able to afford medical care.

Vaccination-wise you do you, of course. I’m not seeking to persuade you. I get vaccinated because I don’t like being sick. I’m just mentioning it in passing. It was part of my pleasant weekend.

It’s a rainy Monday morning. There’s a fat round full moon in the sky peeking through the rain clouds. I’m hoping for a break in the rain and a walk before work. I feel more alert and clear-headed when I get a walk in the morning. It is a practice with proven worthiness. Later, I’ll take the car to the dealership on my way to the ok office. Nothing major, just a bit of routine maintenance; a headlight went out, and I don’t feel like replacing it myself in a steady downpour (and I’m hoping to have the headlights upgraded, if possible). If this were my partner’s truck it would be a nearly effortless bulb swap that takes only a moment. My car isn’t quite that easy, and it’s a bit of a pain in the ass. I could do it, but I don’t want to. I’ve got enough other stuff on my to-do list already. It’s a safety thing though, and needs to be done promptly. So… getting it done.

Every bit of all of these things are self-care related. Self-care is important. Definitely recommend taking care of yourself!

I sigh, and smile to myself. It’s a good beginning to an ordinary Monday. It’s a short week with a long weekend ahead; another opportunity to care for myself, this time by taking a couple days on the coast to paint and reflect and walk on the beach. Another good opportunity to begin again.

The rain stops, the clouds begin to drift away. Daybreak is faint on the eastern horizon, and it’s definitely a new day. I lace up my boots to get started down my path. I’m grateful for another day to walk it.

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, The Art of Being, Uncategorized

It’s Noisy In Here

November 17, 2024 //
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Daybreak arrives as I get back to the trailhead. I’ll head to the grocery store next, then home to tackle housekeeping chores for another week. I’m tired just thinking about it, and my “background” pain is a not uncommon, distracting, 6/10. My tinnitus is crazy loud, drowning out the sound of traffic on the nearby highway. It’s Sunday though, not much traffic.

A view of a day and a beginning.

A huge flock of Canada geese overhead pulls me out of my irritation over the physical limitations of being a human primate. Loud enough to distract me from my tinnitus for a moment. I watch and listen as the flock fills the sky overhead. The rain that had paused long enough to enjoy my walk along the marsh resumes. Drizzly chilly autumn weather is probably the primary cause of my pain today. I took medication for that. It hasn’t helped. I distract myself by continuing to watch and listen to the geese. I mean, I try. My results vary. I sift through the seemingly endless crap in my apparently bottomless handbag looking for my Capsaicin – it doesn’t “fix” anything, but it might give me a bit of relief. Shit. Looks like I left it home. In my minds eye, I can see it on my bedside table, clearly. In this moment, here, I’m still going through the motions of dumping my purse and double checking every pocket. A very human moment.

I sigh, annoyed with myself and with my pain. The rain falls harder and a dense fog creeps in. Forecast says pain all day, time to accept it and move on. Too much to do to let it take over.

I sit with my thoughts awhile. Meditation helps with pain management, particularly if I resist the temptation to focus on the pain. Sometimes it’s hard. I keep pulling my attention back to my breath. It’s a practice. My results vary. I breathe exhale and relax. I let my mind wander to the painting I’m working on. It needs something, and is unfinished. I think about that, instead of the pain I’m in. I shift uncomfortably, but whether it’s physical discomfort or “artistic energy” isn’t clear, and maybe doesn’t matter. Another breath. I watch a doe tentatively walk by, watching me. She steps slowly, with care, her soft gaze assessing my presence; friend or foe? She appears to decide my still, quiet, form is no threat, and stop to nibble on tasty bits of what remains of the meadow grasses. Still watching me, she walks on. I smile to myself. “Yeah, I get it, girl. It’s time to walk on. It’s time to begin again.”

I sigh and stretch and fuss a bit with this all too human aching mortal body. Fuck pain, I’ve got shit to do.

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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, The Art of Being

Making Changes

November 16, 2024 //
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I’m sipping the last of my now-mostly-cold coffee, after my morning walk, and before I head to breakfast with a friend I don’t see often. I’m thinking about life and love and things of that sort. I’m thinking over conversations with my Traveling Partner, and our earnest mutual commitment to the life we share and the love we feel for each other.

… I’m thinking about how much actual work it is to create the life we want to enjoy with each other, and how much work it also takes to create a world worth living in…

What are you actually doing to “be the change”? What kind of experience of community and family do you want to enjoy? What are you doing to make that a reality? Yes, you. I sit with these questions myself. They seem worth answering.

When people decry “woke” culture, what are they actually objecting to? Because it’s become some kind of buzzword or verbal shortcut, I think examining the intention behind it sometimes gets overlooked. Isn’t racial equality a good thing? Isn’t gender equality a good thing? Don’t we want everyone to have access to good healthcare regardless of the neighborhood they live in, the color of their skin, their gender, or religion? Of what possible relevance is a person’s sexual preference or marital status when they are seeking healthcare, housing, or a seat in a restaurant? When people shout down “being woke”, are they making a frank admission that they are comfortable with a very non-equal society, of the sort that explicitly disadvantages and “others” some people? Who gets to decide who is “in” and who is “out”?  It’s on my mind. Maybe for obvious reasons (as we all watch the clown car of the new administration fill up, in the background of our lives).

I sigh and bring my thoughts back to matters closer to home. How do I do my own humble best to be a good partner? A good friend? A good community member? I definitely have room to grow. It’s never too late to get a little closer to being the person I most want to be. There’s a lot to consider and probably a few good opportunities to make changes in how I approach conflict resolution, boundary setting, and communication. I’m no saint. I’m often in tremendous pain, more than I’m inclined to complain about. Sometimes I’m just fucking exhausted, with much still left to do that simply has to get done. “Doing my best” is all I can do, and realistically sometimes it doesn’t get everything done – or done in a way that I could celebrate. I’m very human. Prone to temper and moments of irritability. My cPTSD is pretty well-managed, but it’s still lurking in the background. My brain injury is many years (decades) behind me, but I’ve got some brain damage that I still have to work around day-to-day. “My best” has limitations, and my results vary. How do I do more, better?

I sit with my thoughts. Self-reflection is a useful tool. Practicing self-care improves my chances to be the best version of myself. Practicing gratitude, non-attachment, and loving kindness help me create and maintain a resilient and positive mindset. I breathe, exhale, and relax. This human life is quite an interesting journey. So many verbs. So much work to do.

I watch daybreak become a new day. I’m fortunate to have this moment, and so many opportunities to grow toward being the person I most want to be. Feels like a good time to begin again.

What will you do with your moment? Where does your path lead?
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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5, women, Words
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