I’m sitting quietly with my coffee, reflecting on recent days, resilience, self-care, love, and the sometimes limited success of “doing my best”. My results definitely vary. Very human. I keep practicing.
A new day, a new beginning.
I reached the trailhead before daybreak, and it began to rain (again) just as the sky lightened enough to walk it safely. So… I wait for a break in the rain. I don’t mind; it’s lovely quiet time to write, meditate, and reflect on recent successes and joy. Time well-spent on a self-care practice that matters more than it seems it should, for such a small thing. I definitely need this quiet solitary time in order to truly thrive.
Yesterday was peculiarly difficult until my Traveling Partner realized he had made an error with his medication that affected his experience in a negative way. He asked me to resume helping him by setting up his medications for him. He still needs my help for now, and I am happy to provide it. Taking a careful, considerate, and collaborative approach, he told me what he needs, I got it together and set up for the night and first thing this morning. Later today I’ll set it up for the afternoon and evening. So far, this feels like a good approach, appropriate to where he is with his recovery.
The evening was a quiet one. I went to bed early enough to get a good night of rest, and even slept through the night (rare for me). I woke feeling rested and comfortable in my skin. It’s a pleasant feeling and a good start to the day. My pain is not a big deal for the moment, even my headache is only about a 2 out of 10, this morning. I sit with that awareness for a while, just enjoying it. Enjoying – savoring – these good moments, however small, is a profoundly powerful tool for building emotional resilience.
This morning I plan to give my Traveling Partner some quiet time for rest. I’ll start work a little later, maybe run some errands before then (after my walk). The cloudy sky revealed by the dawn promises more rain to come, but for the moment it has stopped raining. I grab my boots and my cane. Time for that walk. I smile, enjoying the lush hues of green of the trees and blackberry thickets along the edge of the meadow beyond this parking lot and think about painting the scene in pastels. Maybe this weekend? I sigh contentedly to myself. It looks like a good time to begin again.
Sometimes, regardless of your attempted attention to detail, your willingness to do more, better, your drive to improve and grow, or the hours of work and study you’ve put into being your best self, it won’t be enough (for someone, or for some circumstance). That’s frustrating (maddening), and real. It’s a harsh truth in life that while we’re walking our own hard mile one step at a time, someone else is also walking theirs, and conflict, confusion, or miscommunication can make just about any endeavor contentious and unpleasant. Humans being human. Some people are truly doing their best. Some people maybe not so much. It’s not really obvious which are which. There’s likely always going to be someone around who just doesn’t think you’re doing enough. There will be someone who thinks you’re doing it “wrong” (often simply because you’re not doing things the way they would). There may even be travelers along the way who earnestly hope to see you fail, though it will be rare for them to say so explicitly.
…We’re each having our own experience…
Points of view differ. Individual perspectives on shared events are sometimes at odds with each other. Personal values may not be shared. People are quite individual, and often we don’t even share the same understanding of the basic meanings of the most common words we use. Recollections of even the most recent events may be quite different among individuals who shared the experience. None of this makes communication easier, quite the contrary.
It can be helpful sometimes, I find, to be very open to the possibility that I’m incorrect. Mistaken. Flat out wrong. It’s helpful to really listen to what someone else is saying about their experience or perspective. This isn’t always easy; I may disagree. I may find my own thinking at odds with theirs. I may recall events quite differently. We may have different values, or place importance on different details. Being open enough to really listen and humble enough to accept that I could be wrong can make a lot of difference and create an emotionally safe environment to sort things out more easily. It takes practice (a lot), and I can’t honestly say I’m “good at it” (yet). I keep practicing.
All of this sounds good “on paper”, but it’s not “easy”, and it really does take a lot of practice, commitment, willingness to fail (and to begin again), and a steadfast refusal to take someone else’s emotions personally, and to refuse to internalize their frustration, anger, or criticism. Listen, yes. Hear them out, yes. Understand their point of view, yes. Be open and compassionate, yes. And refuse to allow their frustration, anger, or criticism to dictate “who you are”, nonetheless. Be the person you most want to be. Make room for them to be who they are, also. Becoming the best version of yourself, the person you most want to be, may bring you into conflict with people who are walking a very different path – their own path. Whatever you choose to do about that, it matters that you still live your values, take care of yourself, and treat people with kindness, compassion, and consideration.
…You’re probably going to fail, a lot…
Keep practicing. Savor the wins, however small. Learn from your mistakes, and avoid allowing them to bring you to despair. This shit isn’t easy, but it’s worthwhile. Change takes time. Time, practice, effort, commitment – and beginning again. Often. Sometimes it’s especially hard, like a barefooted walk on blistered feet down a gravel path. Sometimes it’s easy, like a firm level trail through a sun-dappled forest on a mild summer day. You’ll choose – sometimes poorly. You’ll face anger, frustration, disappointment, and grief. It’s not personal, just part of the human experience. Learn, grow, and walk on.
I sit sipping my coffee, re-reading these words. This one’s for me, from… me. I need the encouragement today, tomorrow, maybe always. It helps to reflect on what works, and to remind myself that it is a complicated journey. It is useful to consider missteps, and to learn and grow, and try again.
Keep walking.
Yesterday my sister messaged me to let me know a favorite aunt had died after a lingering illness. (COVID is still taking lives, people, be safe, be considerate, be vaccinated.) It seems like I’m now in a place in life when the losses come more frequently. We are mortal creatures. I will always remember my Aunt fondly. She opened her home to me more than once when I needed a place to heal. She was peculiar, and special, and interesting, and the first adult who would sit and talk with me for hours about all manner of things, into the wee hours of the morning. Some of who I am developed sitting by her kitchen table in Baltimore on summer evenings, talking about life, love, music, reality… I’ll miss her.
I breathe, exhale, and relax. I don’t know what’s around the next bend on this path. I don’t know how far this path goes, or where it may ultimately lead. I don’t know how long this mortal life will last, or how many moments of joy I can wring from it along the way, nor how many tears I may need to dry from my cheeks. It’s a very human journey.
I’ve spent the day relaxing in this quiet room, and providing my Traveling Partner with caregiving. It’s detail-oriented personal service work, providing care to this human being I love so deeply. Still, it has been a day with ample time for reflecting on life and love and what I have learned along the way.
Here are 61 lessons from my mortal lifetime thus far:
There’s always something more to learn.
Change is a constant.
Zest for life is closely tied to experiences of wonder and awe.
Self-care matters.
Meditation is an effective practice.
We become what we practice.
We each have the power to define success for ourself.
Setting boundaries is a self-care practice.
Our values are not what we say they are; they are what we live and practice.
Taking the time to do something well is reliably more efficient than having to do it more than once.
Anxiety is a liar.
Chasing happiness does not result in greater happiness.
Lust is mostly a matter of biology.
Savoring life’s small joys and making time for gratitude builds emotional resilience.
Human primates operate “emotion first”.
Our quality of life is more dependent on the quality of our relationships than the size of our paychecks.
Assumptions are not facts.
Expectations are not facts.
Opinions are not facts.
Beliefs are not facts.
The catchiness of a slogan has no bearing on its truth or usefulness.
Very few of life’s stressful moments have lasting impact.
I probably need to drink more water.
“Wealth” is relative.
The person who throws the punch doesn’t get to decide whether it hurt.
We are each having our own experience.
A lot of the crap that bothers us most is shit we totally made up in our own heads that has no actual basis in reality.
Self-reflection can help develop perspective.
Rumination can be really damaging, and tends to limit perspective.
The difference between rumination and self-reflection can be subtle.
Emotional intelligence has real-world value.
Getting enough rest is as important as drinking water, eating healthy food, and exercise.
Solitude can be rich, beautiful, satisfying, and nurturing.
Few people recognize their own confrontational, hostile, angry, or escalated tone of voice.
Forgiving someone is a thing we do for ourself, not for the person being forgiven.
People notice when someone isn’t paying attention.
Distracted driving is potentially lethal.
What we think we understand about human behavior isn’t reliably accurate, and can’t be assumed to apply to all people in every circumstance. It doesn’t.
People are people.
We’re all in this together.
The journey is the destination.
Your lived experience is yours. My lived experience is not yours.
How you behave when you think no one is watching will tell you what your values truly are.
Rationalizing poor behavior doesn’t make the behavior any better.
We feel our own pain the most.
Our ability to understand the world is limited by our perspective.
Being a dick to people is a poor practice with predictably poor outcomes.
Thriving and surviving are two very different experiences.
Reading is an incredibly useful skill, the benefits of which are multiplied by enjoying it.
Art is a way of expressing the things we don’t have words for.
Language functions by agreement.
Carefully defining the terms in a discussion prevents a lot of arguments and misunderstandings.
Apologizing without sincere contrition isn’t really an apology.
Apologizing while making excuses for how the offense is justified, understandable, or must be overlooked isn’t really an apology.
An effective apology is 100% focused on the person hurt and how they were affected, and 0% about how the offender feels about it.
Listening deeply is a powerful relationship building tool which takes time, practice, and effort to develop.
Hijacking a conversation to talk about yourself instead is rude.
Waiting for a turn to talk while someone else is talking is rude.
Interrupting someone while they are speaking is rude
Manners and civility are key to quality of life and cultured society.
Life is worth living.
It’s not science. These are things I’ve learned myself, over a lifetime. I’m not even saying these observations and learnings are “all there is” (what would you add?)… these are just a few things I’ve learned that continue to serve me well.
It’s your journey, up ahead. I’m over here walking my own path. May your path be smooth and the way ahead illuminated.
I’m sitting alone on the side of a favorite local trail. I’m tired. I’ve been crying. My head aches, and I am in a pretty grim place, emotionally. I’m also grateful to be here, now, rather than having this moment as the woman I was 11 years ago. Yes, it’s fucking hard. Yes, I’m pretty g’damned unhappy right now, but… I can also recognize that this is simply a moment. It will pass. The future is unwritten. The trail ahead isn’t always within view.
I breathe, exhale, and relax. I rather stupidly try to will my tinnitus to quiet down. No surprise that doesn’t work.
My Traveling Partner’s surgery went very well and he’s home resting and continuing to recover.
The drive home was emotionally difficult, and ended on an unpleasant note. The actions leading there were mine, so the fault is mine as well. (Hard to hold someone who just had surgery and is deeply medicated “responsible” for much of anything at all, whatever the circumstances.) By the time we got home I didn’t really want to interact with other human beings. I’ve been in pain all day, no end in sight, and I am tired and still kind of angry, though, as I said, how is someone so heavily medicated responsible for their words or behavior at all? Why would I be angry? I don’t think they can be held to everyday standards for sure. Accommodations must be made. Understanding and compassion are required. Forgiveness is a good approach. But… That has to include…for me, from me.
… It’s been so very worrying for so long to see my partner suffering, I probably needed to prepare for this moment quite differently somehow…
I sigh out loud, my ears ringing so loudly it seems certain I am missing other information. I promise myself to get my hearing checked. My back aches in spite of medication. (The chairs at the hospital are not sufficiently comfortable for an all day stay.) I’m tired and the walking isn’t satisfying. I’m just going through the motions. Literally.
My Traveling Partner pings me. I respond promptly; I still have responsibilities. I think about the woman I most want to be. What would she do, right now? I sigh again and get to my feet. She’d begin again.
Breathe, exhale, relax, and get ready for a new start. Was yesterday bad? Let that shit go; it was yesterday. Today is a new day. Was yesterday great? Wonderful! Here’s hoping you ride the wave of joy and contentment into this new day. Begin again, regardless. Give yourself a fresh start. Turn the page. Make the choices that reflect the person you most want to be. “Being” is a practice. “Becoming” is a process. You get a new start on both with each sunrise.
What will you do with it?
I can’t walk your mile, or undertake the verbs you’ll need to do to get where you want to go… But you can. (And you must, otherwise you’re just sort of standing around waiting for shit to happen to you.) The choices are yours on your journey. Choose wisely. Choose to be the best version of yourself you know how to be, today. Then, tomorrow, do that again, more and better, because each day will bring you the additional knowledge and experience to do that, too. Incremental change over time; we become what we practice.
None of this is “easy”, but most of it is quite simple. It just requires action and presence. Yours. Your choices. Your actions. Your journey. Don’t like where life is taking you? Choose to follow a different path. The choices (and the power to choose) are yours.
I smile to myself and watch the sun rise. A new day unfolds ahead of me. So many choices. I feel hopeful and merry. It’s time to begin again.
Evening Light 