Archives for posts with tag: experience

It’s Not Enough to Find Your Joy

January 19, 2019 //

Once you “find your joy”, don’t forget to enjoy it. To explore it. To lavish yourself with the experience of it. Work toward it with purpose – fearless, guiltless, and without shame.

For me, it’s time to blur the line between art and self-reflection, and spend some time creatively, and in my own head (and heart).

This weekend I’ll be in the studio. Maybe I write, maybe I don’t. I’m feeling inspired by love, and deeply appreciative of a mature partnership that allows me to choose me, to choose us, to choose him; no wrong answers. We consider each other. We reciprocate. I feel more loved, and valued, than I’ve experienced in other intimate relationships, with the exception of a few rare very deep connected friendships of long-standing, and I want to celebrate this experience of being deeply loved. Love hasn’t always been my inspiration – I found love later in life.

Inspiration deserves action, and I certainly deserve to treat the woman in the mirror well, and nurture her creative side. 🙂 Choices.

I’ll see you right here, in a few days. There’s a canvas on my easel, and I earnestly need to begin again. 🙂

Tags be here now, be love, be the change, begin again, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, experience, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, listening deeply, love, love and lovers, meditation, mindfulness, mindfulness matters, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, the map is not the world, walking my own path, what matters most?

Categories Allegories, Art, art and the artist, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, winter, Words

Inspiration

January 13, 2019 //

My coffee, well, the remaining swallow in the bottom of my cup, has been cold for a while now. I was up at 5:30 am (on a Sunday), after a long, deliciously restful night of sleep, that began much earlier than usual. Reasons. I was tired. lol

I’ve “wasted” the entire morning writing. It’s not actually wasted time, though, any more than it is “wasted time” when I am inspired creatively, head to the studio, and work relentlessly for hours without producing any completed work. That’s not “wasted” time – it’s used time. Spent time. Passed time. It’s time no longer available to me in the future, sure – but it is not “wasted”. I reset my expectations and understanding of myself, contentedly, and notice the time with more real awareness. It’s still early (ish). Plenty of day ahead of me, even now.

I finish off my cold coffee, and consider a second cup. Then I consider going to the grocery store. Then I also consider tidying up, and having a shower. I consider the lack of peanuts for squirrels, sodas for guests, and clean socks for me. I consider the housekeeping that keeps me smiling when I return home from work. I consider the vacuuming that needs to be done. I consider the dishes. I consider having breakfast. I make a point of noticing that the kink in my neck I woke with yesterday is gone this morning.

The day is ahead of me. No list. Yet. I consider making one. I also consider simply setting a timer and doing a “drunkard’s walk” through the tidying and chores – one of my favorite ways to get ahead on a ton of minutiae is to set a timer for one hour, and just do things in the order that they catch my attention. I find it exceedingly efficient if I’m “not sure where to start”, and when I’m dithering. 🙂 It’s a tad too random for noteworthy chaos; still works, but the end result might not be as orderly and obvious as you’d hope, for such a scenario. Best to have (and execute) a plan for serious disorder and untidiness. lol

I could do both… I could make a list, and then disregard it. LOL It wouldn’t be the first time. 😉

I take stock of the day’s potential, and decide to begin again, where I began in the first place; with a cup of coffee. 😀

Tags be the change, begin again, being and becoming, choose wisely, experience, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, inspiration, my home my rules my way, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, the clock is ticking, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, time is finite for mortal creatures, time well-spent is not time wasted, walking my own path, we are mortal, what matters most?

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, inspiration, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices

Achievement Unlocked

January 7, 2019 //

Another Monday finished off, in due time. Hardly a routine work day, and I could have easily arrived home in a completely shitty mood, after spending the last half of my work day struggling not to snarl at people (it was that sort of day).

I didn’t. I made other choices, although, honestly, I’m sort of tired now, and… just a tad uncertain which choices had what result. lol Choices were made, however, and some were made differently. New perspective? Different perspective. Close enough.

I got home tired. I’m not even bitching; it wasn’t a particularly long day, and I still have some evening ahead of me to relax, read, write, and do some things to support my own wellness and quality of life. It feels good. It’s a small thing, but keeping some of my focus on my own needs really does make a huge difference, and when I don’t – however worthy the reason, I eventually pay a price for it in a reduction in quality of life, health, emotional resilience, or some moment of aggravation blown out of proportion.

I sat down to write and found this:

…Has it been 6 years?

Funny thing, though… I mean… I write like I breathe (which is to say, reliably, most of the time, and without any particular effort or need to think about it, and fairly unavoidably; it’s part of my existence). How is 6 more years of writing actually an achievement? I nibble at my fairly nutritious dinner, and give that some thought.

6 years ago, I was walking a very different path.

6 years. 6 years of living life. Now that’s an achievement. 6 years of learning to love truly well. 6 years of sharing my heart and my moments with my Traveling Partner. Hell of an achievement right there; love takes some major verbs, done well. 6 years of forgiving myself. 6 years of forgiving others. 6 years of laughing at my own dumb jokes. 6 years spent doing more than crying. 6 years of hiking, camping, and pouring over maps of trails yet to be walked. Those are pretty cool achievements. 6 years of work I can be proud of. 6 years of lasting friendships, and new friends. Definitely some achievements in there. 6 years of more daydreams than nightmares – that’s a big achievement, most particularly because it has continued to improve over time. 🙂 6 years of practicing practices, sharing tales from a journey through a wilderness of chaos and damage, traveling in the twilight of evening light… and somehow, it seems a stroll through a sunny meadow much of the time, in year 6. That’s an achievement I don’t even know how to measure. Feels good.

So… yeah… I guess the tl;dr is “I registered on WordPress.com 6 years ago”. This may not be “happily ever after”… but it is pretty nice, generally. 🙂 I chose to make a change. That was an achievement. I’ve just kept making changes, and when I falter, I begin again. That’s an achievement. Thanks, WordPress.com, you’ve been a hell of a platform for change. 🙂

Still walking my path, paved with verbs and new beginnings, illuminated with love.

Tags Achievement unlocked, are you going my way?, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, experience, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, I write, level up!, meditation, of course I've kept it up, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, thanks WordPress.com, The Art of Being, The Big 5, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walk on, walking my own path, what matters most?, words

Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, forgiveness, Free Will, Healthy Living, inspiration, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5, winter, women, Words

Endings, Too

January 5, 2019 //

Strange day. Quiet, slightly sad “celebration” of moments, as I packed up all the Giftmas decor and put it away for the year. Uneventful. Fairly routine. It’s been a generally pleasant day spent on “endings”; most new beginnings are preceded by an end of some sort. It’s a thing.

I feel a certain heaviness and sense of ennui. I’m a little bit blue. I’m okay – and even okay with my emotional weather. It’ll pass.

It’s a gray, vaguely wintry day, chilly without quite being cold. Cold enough to be unpleasant to stand around outside. Nonetheless, I did spend some minutes outside on the deck, puzzling over rebuilding my garden after the scorching and neglectful summer. I fed the squirrels. Tidied up a bit.

The afternoon has turned quite gray and dismal, but I’m not certain that’s truly the weather, today, or just the weather I’ve brought along, subjectively. I would nap, but I’m not tired. lol I feel preoccupied, and also lacking in content. Or contentment. So human. As I adjusted the lighting more for evening, I firmly and purposefully (without intention) stubbed my toe on the floor lamp (has a foot switch) that I broke my toe, shearing much of the nail from the nail bed. I created some brand new obscenities for the occasion, never before uttered. lol It is still painful and throbbing some hour later, and has turned a rather amazing shade of deep violet, almost black.

My foot is cold from the ice pack resting on it. I consider the fragility of toes, and how amazing it is that so often we can still walk on the affected foot, even put weight on it. I guess, easily breakable toes are less bothersome or deadly, if one can still get around on them.

I continue to sit with my elevated foot, iced, laptop precariously balanced on my knees. The foot isn’t hurting so much now. Now it is more obvious that the impact also jarred my (bad) ankle. Shit. That’s likely to hurt more longer. I let go of worrying about it; it doesn’t help with anything. I give the evening ahead some thought, and begin again. 🙂

Tags be here now, begin again, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, experience, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, mindful living, mindfulness for beginners, mindfulness matters, ouch, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, there are verbs involved

Categories Allegories, anhedonia, Brain Injury, Free Will, grief, health, Menopause, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, The Art of Being, The Big 5, winter

Sometimes Shit Gets Real

January 4, 2019 //

About that… it’s unavoidable. I’m human. You’re human (well, probably). Life is an extraordinary experience, but one which, for most of us, has quite a few ups and downs, and is a tad more rollercoaster-y than paved level walking path with convenient markers and a map. It’s just not always that easy. Sometimes shit goes very very wrong.

Do you panic? I’ve sure been known to. Life can be scary. I’m fortunate to have a better idea how to handle it than I once did, but… I’ll be honest; I still, now and then, stumble into a circumstance that leaves me feeling more than a little panicked and unprepared.

There are things to do. Steps. Practices. Start with one you know you can rely upon, and go from there. Breathe. First, generally, and most often of greatest value for me, personally; breathe, let it go for a moment, find that stable “observer” that exists within the emotional maelstrom. That’s you. Really you. The rest is window dressing and let’s pretend. Lead with your calm.

That sounds so easy. It’s not always easy. Yesterday I was reminded how not fucking easy that actually is. Having a supportive partner, I was fortunate to have someone to reach out to, to talk things over, to get my bearings. Things turn out fine, generally, and the panic is not helpful or necessary. Still. There was a bit of panic, and indeed, not helpful. lol Hours later, and even after a restful night’s sleep, I still feel the warmth of my partner’s love. I’m grateful to experience a love like this.

I spent the rest of the evening sorting myself out and ensuring my planning account for new circumstances and information. It ends up being a lovely quiet evening, and somehow a new start to a new year, already. Looks like it’ll be a year a new beginnings. I’m okay with that. I’m pretty familiar with beginning again. 😉

I finish my rather crappy cup of coffee with a sheepish smile; it’s enough, and I’m okay with that. It’s time to move on to changes, and practices, and beginnings. 🙂

Where does this path lead?

Tags anxiety, be here now, be the change, begin again, breathe, choose wisely, do over, do something different, emotional self sufficiency, experience, frank and open, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, partnership, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, there are verbs involved, try again, walking my own path

Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Despair, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, grief, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, winter

It’s Not Enough to Find Your Joy

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Inspiration

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Achievement Unlocked

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Endings, Too

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Sometimes Shit Gets Real

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