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Perspective & Reminders

May 14, 2025 //
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I woke up slowly this morning, slipping gradually from strange distressing dreams of poverty, privation, and desperate futile “choices”. My dreams were anxious and restless. I dreamt of drinking terrible coffee on a sweltering morning, sitting on the edge of broken second-hand patio furniture – no AC, windows thrown wide to non-existent breezes through the night, hoping for a moment of cooler temperatures. I dreamt fretfully of having to choose between paying the electric bill and buying food, and of having to choose between filling a prescription or putting gas in an unreliable car. Would it even start next time I needed it? I dreamt of times gone by, and times I’ve never lived but recognize to be within the realm of possibility in a human lifetime. I dreamt of being in my final years, without means, without partnership, alone and deeply concerned about seeing another sunrise. I squinted at the rising sun in my dreams, anxious, then woke slowly to the lights coming on in my room, here, now, okay. Fucking hell. I’m not sure I’d call my dreams “nightmares” – there was no terror, really, only sorrow, and despair, and trying to so hard to make something of nothing last long enough to be… enough. My dreams were drenched in the anxiety of effort and insufficiency – and even in my dreams I found myself trying to find the best of it, to find the small joys in that dismal existence, sitting quietly with my coffee watching the sun rise. It wasn’t enough – but I felt some tiny fragment of hope and clung to it desperately.

…Fucking hell. I definitely do not need more nights like that…

Still, I sip my (relatively shitty) cup of coffee this morning, thinking about luck, circumstances, good fortune, and how very hard a person can work at life, at trying to provide for their family, at trying to live well within limited means – and how easy it is to fail at all of that, anyway. People get mired in despair because life can be hard. Very hard. Sometimes it not only seems like there is “no way out” – it may even be true in some limited sense. Rough. Sometimes doing better or “finding our way” requires really difficult decision-making, or even what feels like a complete “do-over”. Scary. None of that is easy. You know what is easy? Being a jerk to people when you do not know, or can not understand, what they are going through. Super easy to be a raging asshole, lacking in compassion and consideration. (For a choice bad example, we need only look to Congress trying to pass a budget.) Maybe don’t do that, though, right? Just don’t be a jerk to people.

Simple joys are worth savoring and it doesn’t take much effort to be kind.

It’s a good morning to reflect with gratitude on my good fortune, and where I am in life right now. I breathe, exhale, and relax. I embrace the quiet somewhat rainy looking morning with a measure of joy; I am not in that place where my dreams placed me. I’m not wealthy (not even “affluent”). I have enough to meet my basic needs. My Traveling Partner and I are comfortable together, managing life together. We provide for each other; it’s likely neither of us would be in the same place in life without each other. I smile thinking of the cute 3D printed earrings I am wearing this morning – he made them for me. That he made them with me in mind matters so much more than their intrinsic value. They’re plastic – super cute and I love them. Diamonds could not ever please me on the same level at all – their cold sparkle would only remind me of what I don’t have and can’t (or have not) achieved. They would exist to say something to someone else, and I would wear them only to “make a statement” – and one which I don’t personally feel moved to make. I’m not competing with the world. I’m walking my own path. I don’t aspire to diamond jewelry – only to loving and being loved, living well (within our limited means), and finding joy in a life that is enough. But that’s me. You do you, I guess. 😀

Who are you? What do you really want out of life? Where does your path lead? You will become what you practice – what are you practicing?

My mind wanders. I reflect awhile on how best to avoid being a jerk to people (even when I’m tired, or in pain, or aggravated by something). So many people suffering, doing what they can with too little, just trying to get by… I think awhile on being kind, being considerate, demonstrating concern and compassion, and how best to be the woman I most want to be. “Being and becoming” seems to be a long, sometimes rather slow journey from the greed and demanding inconsiderate foolishness of childhood to … something else. Something better, ideally, something practiced and thoughtful, and patient, and wise, and… fuck I’ve got work to do on this “being my best self” stuff! So many negative examples out there in the world, too – I know who I don’t want to be. I know how I don’t want to behave. I guess it is a starting point, eh?

The clock is ticking, but there’s time to begin again. Do better. You have choices.

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Categories 2024 Election, Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Despair, Free Will, gratitude, joy, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Spring, The Art of Being, War and News of War

Gray and Dreary

May 12, 2025 //
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Well, that’s Mother’s Day behind me, already – “the year is nearly half over”, I think to myself, sipping my coffee and looking out the office window on a dreary gray morning. “At least it isn’t cold, too”, I add as an afterthought.

It was a lovely weekend spent in the good company of my Traveling Partner. I ended up letting most of the housekeeping and whatnot just fall by the wayside, to be handled another day. I kept the kitchen tidy, did a couple chores and errands that really couldn’t wait, and enjoyed time with my beloved. Time well-spent, no regrets – we don’t live for housework, we do the housework in order to live well. Sometimes there are better choices. 😀

In memory of a Dear Friend, a quiet corner of the garden.

I did manage to get into the garden a bit, which was lovely, and I planted a couple tomato plants to replace the ones the deer ate to ground a few days ago. A rose in my “memory garden” is blooming, and I found some cute beaded decorations to add there (I think my Dear Friend would have enjoyed the whimsy of these, and their colorful sparkle). More than any of that, as delightful as it was (and is), I am enjoying the recollection of time spent at my Traveling Partner’s side. Video games, 3D print projects, just hanging out, enjoying meals together, and getting some useful coaching from my beloved on the new solar hydro mini-garden (which will be planted very soon, so I needed to know how to mix the nutrients for that, and he has so much more experience); it was a delightful weekend.

An old favorite is blooming early. “Nozomi”

I love seeing the roses begin to bloom. It’s a lovely time in the garden. The curry plant is covered in buds, too, and some of the lavender is as well. The strawberries have actual berries beginning to ripen, and still more blossoms. The romaine is thriving, and I had radishes enough to serve with a meal this weekend. I even boldly planted a couple of hardy smallish varieties of fig in large pots this weekend, hoping they do sufficiently well to be planted into the garden somewhere, in a year or two (they’re pretty wee, at this point, and likely to be inadvertantly mowed or stepped on). I love “edible landscape”, particularly in hard times. Such things give me a feeling of security and stability, and “good living”, and I definitely benefit from feeling that these days. I can’t do much (or, really, anything) about the crazy terrible bullshit going on in Washington DC, beside simply not succumb to terrible behavior, myself, and I find having “hope” available to see and feel in my day-to-day life makes enduring the bullshit going on elsewhere just a little less fraught with despair. It’s a small thing, this small garden, but the return on my time and effort is huge.

A wee fig sapling, getting a start in a pot.

I sip my coffee grateful for my good fortune, and grateful for my good partnership, my pleasant home, my good job – I know things could be much worse (and that for many many people they very much are). I breathe, exhale, and relax. There are verbs involved, and I have to do my part, but there’s also a large measure of “luck”, “good fortune”, and circumstance that I get value from, and should not take for granted. Circumstances can change. So, I make a point of holding space for gratitude, and this morning’s gray and dreary backdrop to the day is a handy reminder that things could be worse. I sigh quietly to myself. I look fondly at the desk organizer and wee desktop waste recepticle my Traveling Partner made for me, and grin happily to myself. I feel very loved.

…Suddenly I am missing my beloved most ferociously, as if he were very far away, or it had been some long time since we last embraced. lol Strange to love to fiercely, and so enduringly. We are, afterall, just humans being human. My reflection smiles back at me in the window. I am fortunate to be so well-loved.

I’ve got a nice moment on which to begin a new day, right here, now. I look over my email, my task list, my day plan, and remind myself of phone calls I need to make, an appointment I’ve got later in the afternoon, and think briefly about what to do about dinner, although it is too soon to give it much thought. Another sigh. Another smile. Another moment. The clock is ticking, and it’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gardening, gratitude, Healthy Living, joy, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, Roses, Spring, The Art of Being, War and News of War

Renewal, Spring, Gratitude

April 30, 2025 //
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I’m sipping my coffee and eagerly looking forward to a long weekend. I’m taking a couple days off to enjoy my Traveling Partner’s companionship and love without having anything else to do (like work) to take my attention away from the joy that is this good partnership. 14 years married. 15 years together. Hell, I didn’t live with any previous partner, nor even my parents for 15 years! LOL This is worth celebrating. No plans, just presence. (And maybe some sleeping in?)

I breathe, exhale, and relax, and feel the simmering excitement that is, for me, a characteristic of celebrating just about anything, however small. Spring feels like a time of “renewal”, too, so there’s that. I love that we got married in springtime. Each year, as the flowers bloom all around, it feels like we renew even our love for each other. I like that. I’m grateful for this partnership; it has brought me a long way on this path I’ve chosen, and my Traveling Partner is a man I can count on for wise counsel, deep enduring affection, and honesty. I smile to myself and think “I chose wisely”. I hope he feels the same.

A rather random thought crosses my mind and fills me with a sense of my partner’s love, “he may not care at all about the flowers, but he cares deeply about how much I love my garden”. Perspective on love. I sit with that awhile, feeling both grateful and fortunate. There’s nothing about this that is “deserved” – we both work, every day, at making our love deep and strong and enduring. We earn each other’s respect and affection over and over again. We give each other reason to be grateful to share the journey for as long as we can. Some days I earnestly wish we might have the chance, truly, to live forever – just to enjoy each other longer.

I smile to myself and look out the window onto a beautiful Spring morning. The deer stopped by my garden yesterday and ate my newly planted peppers right to the ground, sampled the beans (they weren’t to her liking, apparently) and moved on. I laughed, frustrated but still merry. There is childlike delight in seeing the deer pass through, and it’s hard to be mad that they also enjoy the taste of my garden. lol I’m glad I made space for a bit more garden on the other side of the house, in a spot the deer can’t really get to at all. My “blue jay friend” who follows me around the garden while I work each year (for the last couple years) has returned to keep me company, too. He takes a position nearby when I’m in the garden, and follows me as I work, from bed to bed, from branch to branch, curious about what I’m up to, and occasionally finding a tasty bug to enjoy as I weed and water. The robins visit the lawn daily, picking bugs from the soft ground after the Anxious Adventurer waters. I love this season for so many reasons. The roses have buds now, and it is a quiet race between “Baby Love” and “Rainbow Happy Trails” to flower first. Something ate the Dahlia tubers, but the primroses are thriving. My garden is a happy sanctuary filled with lessons on resilience, patience, will, effort, love, and making good choices, and it is also a living metaphor I spend considerable time reflecting upon. I feel enriched and fortunate to have even this small garden. I laugh when I think about how many roses I’ve managed to wedge into this small space, each (all but one) thriving. More than anything else, having this small suburban home and wee garden space has contributed to a profound feeling of security in my life, much in the way that my partnership with my Traveling Partner has made me feel secure in my heart. It’s a nice place to be – and I am so grateful.

The clock ticks. The day begins. There are things to do before the long weekend comes. Choices, verbs, and my results may vary. There is no time to waste – each moment is so fleeting – but it is important not to rush them; they only come once. Each moment unique like the butterlies in my garden, and the flowers. Still… it is time to begin again. I should get started. 😀

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Categories Allegories, breathe, gardening, gratitude, Healthy Living, joy, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, Roses, Spring, The Art of Being

Enjoying the Journey

April 21, 2025 //
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It won’t always be this way – whatever way it happens to be at the moment. I do my best to enjoy the journey, in spite of pain, in spite of bad weather, in spite of pitfalls, challenges, and the consequences of poor choices. I do my best to enjoy the journey when it is easy to enjoy it (which seems pretty obvious, but turns out it sometimes isn’t), and also when it is difficult. I’m not suggesting bullshit affirmations and inauthentic enthusiasm, it’s more a matter of “doing my best”, and staying true to the path I’ve chosen. Sometimes it’s hard.

Last night was one of those times. I was in so much pain. My neck was hurting, and my occipital neuralgia had flared up. My headache was worse than usual and the left side of my body was a mess of knots, and cramps, and discomfort. It was pretty awful – bad enough that my beloved Traveling Partner (who could do nothing to ease my suffering) could not bear to be in my company. That was its own sort of misery, and I finally just gave up and went to bed early. I didn’t sleep, not right away, but I was also in no shape to enjoy a new video game I’ve started, and too distracted by pain to read anything new. I got as comfortable as I could, prepared for sleep, and picked up a book so familiar to me it may as well be stories from my own life. lol Stale and boring? No. Comforting and easy. Eventually I slept, and when I woke, there was my Kindle, standing where it had been. It turned itself off at some point after I stopped turning digital pages. Convenient.

A strawberry blossom in my garden, a metaphor for change, and joy – and impermance.

This morning is a new day. I woke feeling refreshed. Headache as near to gone as it ever gets these days. The left side of my body feels substantially the same as the right side. My neck is “only” stiff, and I don’t fuck with it, hoping to enjoy this brief reprieve from discomfort as long as it may last. My occipital neuralgia has died away on its own – probably the greatest relief of yesterday’s pain that I could ask for, today. There’s just no arguing with nerve pain, and so far nothing I’ve been prescribed works well enough to justify overlooking the side-effects (which, in one case, was suicidal despair – I mean, seriously? Fuck that shit, I’d rather spend the rest of my life with my face feeling like it is on fire). This morning is a happy relief and I got to the office feeling incredibly purposeful and productive. I wasted no time “catching up” on an entire day’s work, and planning the remainder of the week, besides. Feels good. I feel capable, which is not always how I feel.

Change is. Sometimes the journey is difficult, sometimes it is easy – it rarely stays the way it is for very long. Storms come and go. There are sunny days and cloudy days. (Weather makes a pretty good metaphor for change.) I sip my coffee and reflect on the value I have found in practicing non-attachment, and learning to “be here, now”, more easily, more often. Quality of life varies with our circumstances, sure, but it also varies based on how we deal with our circumstances, how we care for ourselves, and whether we’re finding whatever joy there may be, even in the toughest of times. Not one word about any of this being “easy” or coming naturally to me (or anyone) as a human being. I just keep walking my path, doing my best, and greeting each sunrise as an entirely new day, full of promise and moments that may never be repeated. That’s a pretty good place to begin a day, I find.

I smile to myself remembering something that occured to me this morning; this anniversary coming up for my Traveling Partner and I is significant in a very special way (to me). This anniversary marks this relationship being the longest of my long-term relationships. Hell, it’s even longer than the years I lived with my family of origin. Wow. I hope it lasts many years more. “Forever”, maybe, whatever that means in a human lifetime. I often do feel as if we’ve “always” been together in some strange way. We seem so deeply connected. Even when we’re cross with each other, I’m not feeling inclined to “head for the door”, other than maybe to go take a walk and put my mind on other things until I cool off. Deep, enduring love seems a rare thing. I’m glad I have this to enjoy and experience. I’m glad my Traveling Partner is sharing a portion of his journey with me (and mine with him). I thought about how best to celebrate this special anniversary with him, as I drove to the office. I didn’t come up with anything besides sharing the day. I don’t want an expensive trinket or token of his affection; I am wrapped in his love every day. I can’t think of a single thing to make for him or give to him that would say more about my love that the life we share already says. I just want to be with him. I guess I should take that day off work, then, eh? lol

I spent the weekend in the garden. It was lovely time, well-spent. “Soul-nourishing” time. Healing time. Productive time. Time spent gazing at flowers and working in the soil. Time spent sipping coffee and thinking about what to plant where, next, and pulling weeds. I hope I can maintain the momentum through the summer months! Last year I fell short of my goals (like, a lot) because caring for my beloved took much more of my time and energy that I expected (having had no experience with caregiving, previously). I wouldn’t change that; he needed me, and I love him far too much to put my garden ahead of him in my priorities under such circumstances.

I sip my coffee grateful to enjoy it. Grateful to enjoy love. Grateful that I don’t hurt as much today as I did yesterday. Grateful to have this wee suburban home and my little garden, and a few sunny days to spend there. I smile at the blue morning sky beyond the window. The clock is ticking – but it seems to tick a bit more slowly when I am enjoying the time. I think about that for a moment, and then begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gardening, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, joy, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, Spring, The Art of Being

Walking Your Own Path

April 18, 2025 //
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I’m sipping my coffee and reflecting on my journey, and things generally. My sleep was restless and filled with peculiarly realistic dreams of places, people, and circumstances that were in no way actually real in my own life. It was a bit unsettling to wake as if from an altogether different life into the life I live. It’s not the first time I’ve had such dreams, and I doubt it will be the last.

I made the drive to work watching the night sky transform at daybreak. Venus was bright above the horizon, and the sky was smudged with orange and rusty hues. I caught glimpses of Mt Hood from a couple vantage points that don’t offer a convenient place to stop, and struggled a bit to avoid being distracted by the beauty. Safety first! I have places to be, and loved ones who would like to see me again when I return. That was a pleasant thought in the moment. Something about the morning kept reminding me of “home” – not my home, now, but some long gone time and place that I can’t return to. It only exists in my memory. A spring afternoon, the buzz of insects, a screened in porch, and the hum of a fan, Easter shoes that pinched. A summer morning, the heavy scent of southern blossoms, the thick humid air, the clink of ice cubes in cold glasses, and sweat that doesn’t dry. Only memories, now – even most of the people are…gone. I sighed to myself as I drove, letting the thoughts drift through my mind like clouds. Nothing to be concerned about, just the morning of a new day, and some thoughts to get me started. It’s funny – I often “do my best writing” while I’m driving, and can’t jot down the words. lol An interesting challenge is finding them again, later. I rarely do. I find other words, other thoughts.

Strange journey, life, isn’t it? We each walk our own path. We’re each having our own experience. We persist in sharing our advice with other travelers as if they could ever truly make use of what we have learned ourselves – maybe, sometimes, in rare instances we really can learn from the experiences of others. I often wonder how true that really is. We are our own cartographers, and these “maps” we make aren’t very helpful to anyone else, generally. The moments and the journeys are uniquely our own. What do you actually get from reading these words? When I point out that we become what we practice, do you understand what I’m pointing out to you? How it applies to your own practices? The ways it could be useful to change your experience? How easily leaving dishes in the sink “now and then” becomes dishes in the sink more often? How difficult it can be to adopt a new better habit without committed practice? How easily anger becomes a character trait instead of a moment of emotion, when we yield to our anger and relish “venting” our frustration instead of steadily practicing some other approach? When I suggest practicing self-care, do you consider it and take action? When I observe that my chronic device use quickly became hard-to-resist doomscrolling and that I had to change my practices to preserve my emotional health, did you reflect on your own, and the effect it has had on you? You have a moment to make a change, to become the person you most want to be. What will you do with it?

I’m not telling you how to live – I’m just wondering what you get from my observations over time, or if it is merely an entertaining distraction?

We’re each walking our own path. Each tending our own garden. (These are metaphors.)

I’m just one human being, walking my own hard mile, facing my own trauma, and even the consequences of my own actions and choices. I’m grateful (and fortunate) to be where I am now, but there are no promises I’ll “always” have it like this – I’ve lived through far far worse. We are mortal creatures. We’re fortunate any time we can share the journey. I sip my coffee and think about love. Our choices in life only get us so far; some of it is also pure luck and the timing of circumstances. Each moment is precious – and unrepeatable. I reflect on Ichi-go ichi-e, and vita contemplativa – useful concepts. I practice non-attachment, and seek a sense of contentment and sufficiency. Along the way, I’ve found (often but not always) real actual no bullshit happiness. This surprises me, and I embrace the moments as I find them. Chasing happiness never got me there. Funny how that works.

Each moment as temporary as a flower.

My coffee is almost gone. The waning moon is faint in the cerulean blue of the morning sky. I’m okay right now – for all the values of okay – and I’m grateful. Nice moment. I breathe, exhale, and relax, and think about weekend gardening to come. There are strawberries to water, and arugula to plant. There are radish seedlings to thin, and a clematis vine to plant in a pot. There are new moments to live, and new thoughts to think. I smile to myself, grateful to have the chance to share words with you over my coffee, however you choose to use them. I wonder for a moment where your path may lead? Then, I get ready to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, inspiration, joy, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Spring, The Art of Being, weight loss secrets, Words
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