Archives for posts with tag: illumination

Daybreak beat me to the trailhead this morning. I slept in. My Traveling Partner was up and going back to bed, as I was leaving for my walk. We exchange brief pleasantries and a kiss, and I was on my way.

Stepping lightly down the trail merrily, tinnitus loud in my ears, highway traffic a quieter shhhh-shhhh in the background, I breathe the rain-fresh autumn air, grateful for the moment. This is a lovely one! The morning is gray, and everything is a bit soggy from rain during the night. Aside from a few puddles, the trail is sufficiently well drained to be a comfortable walk. It feels like luxury to walk in daylight. I walk on feeling light-hearted, thinking about the things that make this moment so good, and savoring the experience.

I get to my halfway point thinking “selfish” thoughts. Meaning to say, thinking about the specifically self-focused practices that have served so well on this journey. Accepting that “it isn’t always about me” forces me to also accept that sometimes it very much is about me. How best to care for the person in the mirror without undermining how I treat others? Who am i? Who do I most want to be? What path must I follow to get from here to there? I see the questions as closely connected to each other, interwoven, threads in the vast tapestry of a lifetime, and unfortunately easy to be distracted from.

Self-awareness is about more than “I statements”. It is key to growth and progress (and healing). It encompasses practices like body scans (bringing oneself more in touch with the physical experience of the moment), and mindful presence. “Be here, now” is about self-awareness. Being present in the moment is a more full and complete experience with self-awareness added. Answering the question “who are you?” requires a measure of self-awareness, and can be used (with self-reflection) to push oneself further down the path to becoming who we most want to be.

Self-care is built on many practices. Meditation. Mindfulness. Non-attachment. Eating a nutritious healthy diet. Getting enough exercise. Taking appropriate medication on time. Setting and managing boundaries. CBT. ACT. Mental health care generally. Even things like solving puzzles and coloring can be self-care. Ending toxic relationships and leaving unhealthy professional environments is self-care. When we don’t practice good self-care, however well-intentioned the choice may have been, we suffer needlessly, and are likely to inflict suffering on others.

Self-reflection and contemplative practices of many sorts improve our self-awareness and have the potential to enable better self-care, better decision-making, and more joy in life. Like a quiz in school, self-reflection helps us gauge where we are on life’s journey – like pausing to check a map when orienteering. Asking the questions, reflecting on our answers in that moment and context, considering those answers over time is a way of “lighting our way”.

I guess I’m saying the value of “selfishness” is related to what we mean by “selfish”, and what we do with that.

It took me a long time to learn to put myself on my list of priorities. (Are you on yours?) I still struggle with it, tending to put other people’s needs ahead of my own, often. There’s a healthy balance to strike. It isn’t all about me – but some of it definitely is, and that’s… normal. Utterly unremarkable. Taking care of myself is “selfish” only because it is focused on me, and being someone I do care about (at long last) it only makes sense to care for the woman in the mirror the best I can.

I sit looking out over the autumn marsh. The time I spend in quiet contemplation is not wasted time. Far from it – it has proven to be some of the most well-spent time in a day, helping me along my path, and building resilience I may need in the future to face some sort of unanticipated stress. I am grateful for these solitary moments of contemplation, and for the will to practice these “selfish” practices. I am grateful to have come so far.

I sigh contentedly. Breathe, exhale, relax; I take time for meditation. The dawn comes and goes, and the sky settles on a soft dove gray blanket of layered fluffy clouds. A soft rain begins to fall. I get to my feet and gaze across the meadow. It’s time to begin again.

I got to the trailhead early. Before the sun. Before dawn. Before daybreak. In the chilly darkness of an autumn morning, a mist gathers, moving up from the lowlands of the marsh and the riverbank. A slim crescent moon rises, looking like a single half-closed eye in watchful meditation, above the mist.

Predawn darkness at the trailhead.

It is a good time for thinking and for meditation. As the moon rises, I reflect on useful ideas I have picked up along my journey, each uniquely worthy of guiding me on my way, like sign posts, or streetlights. I take a moment to jot them down, carefully putting them in alphabetical order for no particular reason.

Amor Fati is, for me, a useful idea in spite of my lack of conviction with regard to the possibility that anything at all is or is not “fated” to be as it is. For me it carries a sense of recognizing that circumstances are what they are in some moment, and allowing (encouraging) a certain sense of acceptance, generally, and living within an accepting context, on life’s journey. I don’t carry any sense that I am “doomed” to some particular outcome – change is – only that even in the midst of change, acceptance can provide a comfortable foundation to rest upon, before beginning again.

Gnothi Seaton – know thyself – an idea with so much history behind it, it’s hard to call it an eye-opening realization. Seriously, though? How can we change who we are, if we don’t know who we are?  How can we grow to become the person we most want to be, if we don’t know who that even is? How can we live our values, if we don’t have a clear understanding of what we do value?

Gratitude as a practice has become incredibly important to me. It’s one of several practices I practice that is built on a simple idea. In this case, the simple idea is that gratitude tends to crowd out anger and similar negative emotions, creating a more positive experience of life, even in stressful times. Gratitude helps build emotional resilience and reframes difficult experiences in terms that tend to promote peace, compassion, and understanding. Gratitude also feels good and satisfies something within me.

Ichi-go Ichi-e is the unrepeatable, unique nature of each precious finite moment, and is a particularly powerful idea for me. Each singular moment of our mortal lifetime is also another opportunity to begin again, to do better, and to be more present.

Impermanence is one of those ideas that has layers of meaning and usefulness. I meditate on impermanence often. Change is. However reliably certain some condition or experience seems, change itself is more reliable and more certain. We are mortal creatures, living our short lives in a finite universe of constant change. Impermanence is the sort of idea that can cause a person tremendous anxiety – or heal it, depending, I suppose, on how it it viewed, and whether it is accepted.

Memento Mori is an interesting idea, a reflection on mortality, a reminder that our time is brief, and that our mortal life will inevitably end. There is (as of 2025) no escaping death. Will the life we choose to live be worth our efforts? Will we be remembered – and for what? Life itself is characterized by impermanence, and our journey is the only destination we have, as the grains of the sands of time trickle through the hourglass. Even knowing that – maybe especially knowing that – we live and choose and grow and continue one day after the next, until the days run out. Which they definitely will.

Non-attachment, like several of these ideas, is associated with Buddhism, and other religions that value contemplative and meditative practices. It is a caution against clinging to expectations, desires, or worldly things. It is the face of a coin for which impermanence is the reverse. When we embrace change and refrain from clinging to some specific outcome, we free ourselves from a lot of drama, sorrow, struggle, and emotional pain. It goes hand in hand with ideas like “letting small shit stay small” and walking away from unpleasant (or damaging) people or experiences.

Vita Contemplativa is the inverse of Vita Activa (also a useful idea, but sadly perverted in a busy modern world, becoming “grind culture” and abusive overfocus on work to the detriment of self). The 21st century philosopher Byung-Chul Han wrote a book by this title, in praise of inactivity as a vital function of living well. Turns out, we’re so incredibly bad at living a contemplative life, or even at incorporating contemplation, self-reflection, and meditation into our daily lives that I couldn’t find a single really good source of information to link for this one, other than to Byung-Chul Han’s book. We put a lot more emphasis on productive action in life and society, even to the point of illness, chaos, and destruction. We over value momentum and ambition, and decry thoughtful reflection as”lazy” or a “waste of time “, and tend to punish the daydreamers and peace seekers among us. That’s pretty sad, actually.

A new day, well-suited to thinking thoughts and walking in solitude.

Day comes. The mist envelopes me on the marsh trail. I am alone with my thoughts, wrapped in contentment. I let the useful ideas stack up, layers of self-reflection, practices, and incremental changes over time. I can easily say I am in better place as a human being than I was 15 years ago. Strange to see the journey behind me in such clear terms, illuminated by a handful of useful ideas.

(“It’s not a religion, it’s just a technique…“)

The time I’ve spent along the way really reflecting on where I’ve been and where I’m going – if I even know – has never been “wasted time”. Some of my most precious moments have been spent in contemplation. Meditation has proven itself as a powerful healing practice (for me). I didn’t know it would be, when I set off down this path…

… And it’s time, again, still, and already, to begin again. I don’t know where I’m going, not really, but I’m definitely getting there. The journey is the destination.

Yesterday was a beautiful and fulfilling excursion into a single prolonged moment of self-reflection and wonder. Meaning to say, it was a lovely day spent mostly in my own head.

What enlightenment looks like.

I walked miles of beach at low tide, close to the water’s edge where the sand is most firm and walkable. I ventured across slipping loose sand to explore rocks piled at the foot of steep erosion prone cliffs. I peered into tide pools ankle deep in waves as the tide turned. I walked,  and wondered as I wandered.

I saw empty limpet and crab shells on the beach, and pebbles tumbled smooth by ocean waves. I saw anemones and starfish clinging to the rocks exposed at low tide. I saw a variety of sea plants uprooted and tossed along the beach, and even corals torn from wherever they had been, and carried to the chilly Oregon beach on which I spent the morning. Name it? Nah. Go find your own. lol The adventure and satisfaction are not about the specific location, they are more to do with how I spent the time and where I turned my attention; inward.

What you see is often a matter of where you look. This is a picture of a starfish.

I enjoyed the day. I feel more rested than I have in a long while. I sit now, alongside the local trail I’ve been walking most mornings lately, enjoying a few minutes of quiet reflection as the sun rises. Today is an ordinary work day. I feel easy in my skin and comfortable with myself. I’m in a ferocious amount of pain, which is neither surprising nor particularly consequential. It’s just a “feature” of this mortal life.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. This morning, the world’s stress and chaos, the violence, the bullshit, and the jockeying for power by the already powerful is nothing to do with me, directly. I’m here, now, in this moment, in this local place. My heart feels light. It’s enough.

I look down the trail, as the eastern horizon turns a bold orange. A new day begins. I smile and get to my feet. It’s time for me to begin, again, too.

The sunrise was over by the time I reached the trailhead this morning, but I watched it as I drove. Beautiful. The bold orange streaks of cloud seemed gilded, the golden edges feathering across the baby blue sky. The mountains on the horizon were a lavender silhouette, and the colorful scene evolved, changing hues as the sun rose. Tangerine. Magenta. Pink. Lemon yellow. It was lovely.

I chose the farthest of two trailheads for the park; it’s usually empty. Not this morning, there’s only one parking space left. I get it. It’s a beautiful morning for a hike. The meadow flowers fill the morning air will the scent of Spring. The birds fill the air with their songs and chirps and screeches. The gravel trail crunches beneath my steps. The sunlight illuminates the meadow grass and the leaves of the trees.

I walk and keep walking, until I get to my preferred halfway point and stop to write and reflect. I listen to the sounds of the Tualatin river from my convenient vantage point, reflecting on this and that. Breathe, exhale, relax…

One point of view among many, one moment along the way.

“What’s the point of any of this?” I find myself wondering, and sitting with that thought for awhile. It’s a question. I don’t have an answer, really. I guess there’s a chance that there’s no point at all… We’re born. We live our finite, ordinary, mortal lives. We learn what we can. We accumulate objects and mementos that we will inevitably leave behind. We eventually die. Some of us may make some profound mark on society or advance human progress in some way – most of us won’t. Some few of us will pass on, unremarkable, unremembered, and unnoticed. So… What is the point? I breathe the Spring air deeply, listening to the breeze and the birdsong. Is this enough? Is it enough simply to be?

I think about it for awhile. Even recognizing that the journey itself is the destination, I sometimes do wonder what the actual point of it is… Perhaps there isn’t one. Maybe we simply live and die and there’s no point or purpose at all? If that’s the case, any purpose in life is one we choose for ourselves, each of us, having our own experience, and deciding for ourselves what the point may be. This isn’t a grim thought for me, and it doesn’t cause me any stress or agitation, I just sit here on a Spring morning wondering for myself what that point may be.

There’s time for wonder, and wondering, and asking questions. Maybe that’s even the point? I smile and wave at a passing stranger who calls out a “good morning” as they pass.

Sunshine through the trees.

It’s a new day. I wonder what I’ll do with it? I wonder where this path leads? I breathe, exhale, and relax. The clock is ticking, and it’s time to head on down the trail and begin again.

I get back to the warmth of the car after my walk, still thinking about how strange everything looked under the harsh glare of the recently “upgraded” lights along the section of the trail adjacent to the parking, here. Harsh contrast. Strange shadows. The unnatural brightness somehow managing not to reveal anything that looks “true” or “real”. It’s mostly a spooky and irritating effect. Unnatural, and as if anything seen is likely irrelevant.

Not a picture worth taking.

Distant shapes are hidden from view in the glare that forces what is closest to be overexposed. I walked, observing with a certain irritated wonder, and reflecting on the metaphor contained in the moment. Thinking about the way aggressive media attention, for example, forces trivial matters to be blown out of proportion, misdirecting our awareness and focus from what may matter most.

…I almost missed seeing the small herd of deer walking along almost beside me, in the meadow next to the trail…

What are you giving your attention to? What time have you left yourself to do anything about it?

I sit quietly with my thoughts for a few minutes, considering whether to wait and watch the sun rise before I begin the work day. Nice morning for it. Chilly, but otherwise quite pleasant. The sky is just beginning to lighten on the horizon. I decide to sit awhile longer with my thoughts. Soon enough it will be time to begin again.