Archives for posts with tag: mindfulness for beginners

It’s not about a point system. There’s no goal post. This is not a competition at all. I am, however, quite tired. Enough that my thoughts trail off and become juxtaposed one with another, surreal, nonsensical, amusing – better than nightmares. I dislike nightmares. I still have nightmares.

I woke during the night after a nightmare. Work bullshit, less frightening than other sorts of things, still it shook me up to wake up from mocking laughter and feel so small and alone in the dark. I got up. I got up and took care of myself. Some meditation. A drink of water. A couple minutes of pleasant conversation with a friend. I didn’t get hung up on the nightmares, and returned to sleep sometime later. This happened a couple times. My sleep was of poor quality. Today, as a result, I am tired. It happens. It’s a real thing, people know about it.

I’ve spent a gentle evening of quiet, and already I have forgotten what it was I was doing… sitting? Standing. Some meditation. What else? It doesn’t matter too much. Yep. I’m tired. One lovely thing about being an adult? I totally do not care at all that it is only 9:56 pm (hell, that’s a decently adult time for bed right there. lol) – I’m tired now, so now I will sleep. That seems just fine, certainly it does no harm.

Tomorrow is soon enough to begin again. Isn’t it generally?

Do you. There is so little time. I’m not saying get wrecked at every chance, running amuck wherever you go, violating boundaries, tearing shit up and bringing drama every damned where – not at all. I am saying live your life. Make this moment yours – and that next one, over there, that one, too.

There’s a trick to living well – and I’m only just aware of it on the periphery, so new it is barely something I can practice, yet, more just a thing I am noticing going on, just out of reach; a rare few among us manage to do the damned thing – this crazy thing called life – in a most rich and wonderful way, without anything unusual for resources, and without trampling over everyone else’s day-dream. Sweet, right? But… how?? How to choose actions and words in the moment to both be most true to myself and my own needs and goals, and also not tread on the boundaries, needs and goals of others?

I practice consideration – a lot. It’s one of my Big 5. (Respect, Consideration, Compassion, Reciprocity, Openness) It’s a huge improvement on the young woman I once was, and the choices she favored. I’ve still got so much to learn, so far to travel…

I sit quietly sipping a hot decaf, enjoying the stillness of evening, listening to a great Electro House Mix, and letting the evening wind down around me. I let my thoughts wander distant trails. I exchange a few words with a friend. I consider this moment, here, so quiet and gentle, and I contrast it with recent parties – the difference in intensity moment-to-moment is remarkable. (See? Here I am remarking on it, in fact.) I have definitely been needing something that these parties have been providing… but…

…All the parties notwithstanding, it is the healing peace of a solitary moment that anchors me in a gentle “now” I can count on for an easy beginning for the next moment after that. I smile, finish my coffee, and bump the thermostat a little for comfort as I head to my meditation cushion. Can’t get this high at a party. lol 🙂

Time to begin again.

 

When life feels miserable day after day, it can get to be hard to recognize good times. Like sorting a large quantity of small things very quickly, even the focus on one specifically sought characteristic will not, alone, be sufficient to be certain of not tossing that one special object to the side quite automatically. It’s a thing people do. I know I’ve done it, both quite factually as a matter of course while sorting small objects looking for one specific thing, but also metaphorically, in life, mired in shitty times, completely unprepared to appreciate the good time I was seeking when it does turn up. The result can be a particularly nasty stew of “my life is complete shit” kinds of experiences that feel deep down dark, and which linger over endless tedious hopeless grindingly endured moments that seem… beyond bleak. Apathy and despair can become character qualities. Sorrow can become who we are.

My best recommendation applies throughout life across demographics, and I can’t imagine it not being applicable nearly any day, any time, and in any sort of relationship or circumstance; make a point of enjoying the things that are enjoyable, make a point to be aware of those things, to savor them, to bring them to mind and share them. If you do nothing else differently in life, this small thing may still tend to result in life feeling generally more enjoyable. No kidding. Of course, your results may vary, and I can’t possibly do the actual work of practicing practices for you. I do wish you well – and I know with certainty that your results with be consistent with your will to practice. You may fail. Only you can stop you from beginning again. 🙂

Today has been lovely. Sandwiched between two insanely busy weeks at work (oh, yeah, I can be quite certain of that in the week to come), this has been such a sweet relaxed weekend. I got a few things done, but the thing I got done with the most skill was that I took care of myself well, and got the rest I needed. I had some fun, and made sure to take care of myself, not just have a good time. I enjoyed some wonderfully connected time with my Traveling Partner, in spite of distance, merry loving moments that are memories as real as any time we share in the same space. I’m glad that I noticed what a lovely weekend I was having, well before it began to end, so that I could also enjoy enjoying it – total enjoyment. It’s been nice. I definitely recommend going beyond enjoying the things you enjoy, and also enjoying that you are enjoying them while you enjoy them. 😀

It’s evening now, though, and the weekend is ending gently. There is a last load of laundry in the dryer, and an unfinished list of things to do that isn’t troubling me at all; it’s all stuff I can do during the week.

Tomorrow is Monday. I’ve no idea what it will really be like, probably just fine – it usually is, now that I’ve learned to allow that to be a thing. 🙂 I smile, finish my brand name flavored fizzy water while also smirking at myself for liking it in the first place, and head for my meditation cushion. It’s a nice ending to a lovely weekend.

The commute home tonight was rich with one of my least favorite things that is so common that it seems quite ubiquitous, perhaps even a default in our so very human behavior… a lack of basic consideration. Consider that, if you would, for a moment – consider the nature of consideration, and of “being considerate” – what does that even mean? Is the meaning quite literal, as in “to give consideration to a thing, person, moment, or choice”? To consider something? Is it more subtle? Certainly, consideration doesn’t seem very common.

Tonight I saw drivers pause as a light turned yellow, clearly positioned to note that the row of cars ahead had no room for an additional car to queue up – then choose to pull forward into the intersection, from a stop, and able to see that there was no additional room for another car, and continue to pull forward until they were stopped in the intersection. A four-way intersection with a signal light – filled with cars filled with people so lacking in consideration that the increased congestion during the commute, and the inconvenience to cross traffic, just wasn’t as important as pulling forward some 20 feet or so, to avoid waiting through the next light. Weird, right? No, uglier than that; inconsiderate.

I saw, also, drivers so anxious in traffic that they were driving at the extreme left or right edge of the lane, crossing over into (left side) the left turn lane or (right side) the bicycle lane, or right turn lane, and making it basically impossible to see further down the road (their own visibility was more important than being safe). Inconsiderate and unsafe.

I saw drivers commuting in full darkness without any tail lights at all. I saw them commuting without their headlights on. Dangerous. Definitely – but also really inconsiderate; any other driver affected would likely experience some additional stress. Rude. Thoughtless. Seriously? Driving in the dark without lights?

For a while, I was behind a transit bus driver clearly making it a committed point not to pull out of the traffic lane to make pick ups or drop off passengers. Instead, he just sort of angled the nose of the bus toward the curb, and in one case managed to impair two travel lanes, a bike lane, and a right turn lane – within a few feet of an intersection, which immediately filled with cars operated by drivers too inconsiderate to watch ahead of themselves far enough to recognize the congestion developing, and so filled up the intersection, impeding the cross traffic, too.

People crossing the street, in the dark, during rush hour, on a busy road, filled with inconsiderate angry drivers… crossing the street, but not on a cross walk, or at an intersection, just jaywalking right on across all 7 lanes (two travel lanes in each direction, a center turn lane, and right side bike/turn lanes in both directions) – wearing all black. What the fuck?? Seriously? That’s… wow. Yeah, I can’t see those pedestrians at all; I count on detecting the interruption in oncoming headlights to alert me of the jaywalking pedestrians. I wish they would consider wearing reflective clothing.

Each choice we make, in each moment of impatience, frustration, or hurry, affects every human being’s path we cross. Every dick move. Every bit of entitled bullshit. Every shortcut, every cheat, and every time we “break the rules” to convenience ourselves holds the potential to seriously fuck over someone else – and if you don’t care about their experience, well… that’s inconsiderate. Simply that; you are not considering them, or their experience, or even, in some cases, your own safety.

I’m not pointing any fingers. I have my moments. Being considerate is a really big deal for me, and I put a lot of work into it – I try to keep that set to maximum consideration full-time. Sometimes I miss. Sometimes I’m the inconsiderate jerk.

Tomorrow I get another chance to begin again, to be more considerate, to be more kind, to be more aware of the human beings around me, each having their own experience.

I got home last night fairly happy just to make it safely home at all. I can’t make any claims to enjoying my commute. :-\ Last night was a hair-raising example of “how bad can it be?”

I spent the evening relaxing, regaining my softer side, and just chilling as evening settled and became night. I don’t really recall it with any detail or clarity. I know that I relaxed and enjoy the quiet evening well past that time that makes sense for me to call it a night and get some damned sleep. LOL I’m paying for that choice this morning. I would happily go back to bed. I didn’t “do” anything though; I made a commitment to studious relaxation. Goal met. lol

So tired this morning… as if that relaxation stuff were mighty difficult work. lol I’m okay with being more honest with myself than that; I didn’t get enough sleep. Being more careful about that will serve me well. Cheating myself on sleep does not rise to the level of “good self-care”. I even know this, I just lost track of time sitting by the fire, daydreaming.

Sleep and sleep quality are a big deal. I put myself at risk of all manner of cognitive weirdness, and even increased risk of ill-health, by undermining my sleep hygiene. Too many days on too little sleep, and I’ll quickly experience a decline in cognitive efficiency, attention to detail, memory, and emotional resilience – it just doesn’t make sense to be careless with my sleep habits. So. I give the woman in the mirror a stern talking to, which she’ll no doubt do her best to heed. Being human, I can also be fairly certain it’ll come up again. I mean, seriously? I did not lose track of time by intent. lol

Sitting here yawning over my coffee two things occur to me: I can begin again, and before I can type out a coherent sentence, the other thing slips away, lost. LOL I better get right on that beginning again, stuff… maybe… a second cup of coffee? 😀