Archives for posts with tag: self-care

I’ve always liked my appearance seen as a reflection in a window. I don’t know why this is, somehow it just seems to be “the best view” of myself, a little diluted, a little less specific somehow, softened a bit… less “real”. I almost always find myself quite beautiful as a reflection in a window. I don’t see myself quite that way in a mirror, or a photograph. Peculiar. Today is no different. I see my reflection and marvel at that woman, there, seen as if through the trees beyond the window, somehow younger than my years, and no hint of the tears in my eyes, or on my face.

…Crying in my office, again? What is this, the 00s??

Things seem harder than necessary lately. By “lately”, I mean most of the last year, honestly. It comes and goes. It’s been the worst since late February, since my Dear Friend died. Yeah, okay, so – grieving is hard. We don’t control how that goes, it just goes. I’m learning more about actual loneliness than I ever imagined I could. I wasn’t particularly prone to feelings of loneliness, before. I’m so very very prone to them now. With my Traveling Partner having the challenges he is, and the one woman I’d have felt free to discuss it with, without reservations, simply… gone… I feel so incredibly alone, now. I chastise myself for a moment; I could have done a better job of maintaining other cherished friendships and preserving more closeness with more dear friends than I have. I enjoy my solitude, and I’ve taken too much for granted. I still enjoy my solitude…but when I need someone, I’m often going to find myself going it alone nonetheless. Often. I’m not bitching – it’s not a bad life, and things could be so much worse. I’m just feeling my years, and feeling lonely as I face inevitable mortality, seeing some vague younger version of me reflected in a window, and wondering what the point of any of this actually is… yeesh. Grim. I ache with it. And also just with pain, physical pain. Fucking hell that just blows. Fuck pain.

…Oh, right… I maxed out all my pain management medication yesterday and here I am today, managing on less, and not hurting quite so much, but… now my mind is altered, and I’m feeling very blue, partly because I did so much yesterday to attempt to manage yesterday’s pain, and I’m paying the price emotionally, now. So… am I actually feeling “lonely”, or is this just “the down” from opiate pain management? Fuck. This shit is complicated. I simultaneously want very much to simply be entirely alone with this crap, and also very much miss someone to talk to about it – and about life, and how difficult some of this very human crap very much is. Too real. Fuck pain. Fuck drama. Fuck this particular moment, right here.

I put my head down on my desk and cry for awhile. This too will pass. Feelings are feelings, only that. Emotional weather. Small frustrations pile on top of other small frustrations and assorted inconveniences; it feels like a big pile. Heavy. Tears flow after other tears. Moments follow other moments. The clock is ticking. Eventually tears dry. Eventually, I can begin again.

Sometimes we have to choose. It’s not always possible to have or do everything. Maybe it’s a choice between two things we enjoy, or a choice between something we love and something that’s good for us. Sometimes it’s a choice forced on us by timing or limited resources. Sometimes we choose because there are simply only so many hours in a day, or only so much cash on hand. Choices – and limitations – are part of living life, and the choices we make define us. Our choices tell the world who we are.

Today I have to choose… writing or walking? There isn’t enough time to do both. Not really. I enjoy both. Both are important self-care practices for me… but today, time, and timing being what they are, I’ll have to choose. It’s already time to begin again.

Monday has arrived. Here it is, a new week. The rainy foggy morning has enough chill in the air to remind me it’s autumn, already October and there are holidays ahead to plan. I lace up my boots wondering where I’ll find the energy for all of it. One foot after the other, eh? Every walk, every morning, serving as a living metaphor of persistence and momentum.

I sigh to myself, have another drink of this coffee that will be waiting for me on the other side of my walk through the rain and fog and darkness. I grab my cane, tuck my handbag out of sight, and save the beginning of my writing (I’ll finish it later). I stand, stretch, and set off down the trail, visible only within the circle of light provided by my headlamp. Another metaphor, I guess, and I walk on thinking my thoughts.

I get to my halfway point glad to be wearing long sleeves under a favorite heavy baggy sweater. I’m not cold, though my hands feel the chill in the air. I turn off my headlamp when I sit down on a convenient bench, and see hints of imminent daybreak in spite of the fog. My back aches with the arthritis pain that vexes me most during colder wetter weather. I mostly succeed in ignoring it. It’s not as if I can do much of anything about it that I don’t already do.

I breathe, exhale, and relax, taking a few minutes of stillness in the morning quiet. I’ve got a busy day ahead of me, and I need this quiet time for reflection and meditation to face it and somehow manage to get it all done.

I sit with my thoughts awhile. I’ve got some shit on my mind. I try to avoid minimizing it, or wishing it away. The way out is through. I consider the questions, the doubts, the unhealed hurts, and the stressors that complicate everything else. I try to avoid complicating things by conflating circumstances with the feelings about the circumstances. It’s an easy mistake to make.

… Life might be easier if I weren’t the sort of person who so very much truly wants things very specifically to be “easy”. lol It seems healthier than not to be able to laugh about that…

The fog becomes more dense as the sky lightens. I sit with my perception and wonder if it is an illusion. I sigh and let my mind wander on. There are surely more important things to think about. I find myself feeling regretful that it is so hard to find time alone. Going on 5 years in this little house I love so well, and I’ve still never spent a night home alone (or even more than a few hours, really). The Anxious Adventurer only moved in in July, and has already spent more hours alone there (taken as a total) than I have. My Traveling Partner has spent by far the most time home alone in our house (and doesn’t want or need all that, it’s just a byproduct of circumstances). Frustrating (for me).

I really miss the luxurious solitude that comes of living alone, sometimes. I don’t regret living with my Traveling Partner, it’s one of those things I wish I could have both in equal measure; the delight of his companionship and good company, and also my solitude. I don’t know how to make that work out aside from taking occasional getaways to camp or paint, and those clearly don’t happen at home. Before his injury, my partner’s work kept him home. Since his injury, it’s been the realities of injury, surgery, recovery, and day-to-day limitations (for now). It is what it is. It’s not intentional or in any way intended to limit my experience or prevent me meeting that need. It’s purely an unfortunate coincidence that the person in the household with the greatest need for solitude has the least opportunity to meet that need. It’s not personal, it’s just life.

I sigh. I would definitely not trade my beloved or one moment of the joy we share for lasting solitude. It’s true that I have to put some thought and effort into meeting this need. That’s just adulthood. I laugh silently and chastise myself – something about building character.

I sit wrapped in dense fog awhile longer. I amuse myself with imagining that I must create the day ahead from pure will and see it emerge from the fog as I do. A useful notion that encourages effort and discipline. It’s something to start with – and it’s time to begin again (already?). I take another look at these words, hit “save”, and “publish” and head back to the car to face the day.

I’m sitting quietly with my thoughts, sorting the real from the unreal, and working to process troubling details of both. Emotional work still feels like work, sometimes.

Sooner or later someone you care about deeply, someone you love and loves you in return, is going to say some terrible shit to you, hurt your feelings, or create turmoil and sadness in your heart. That’s just real. Humans being human. That’s generally more about them, and not about you at all, regardless what was actually said. How you respond to it, how you deal with it, that’s the bit that’s you, and it defines your character. Just saying. Forgiveness, empathy, kindness, and compassion, can all be difficult to practice under trying circumstances. Still worthwhile for someone you love, right? It’s hard sometimes. Human beings can be pretty spectacularly vile – even towards someone they say they love. I sit and think about that for awhile.

Lately my disturbed sleep has been more likely to include nightmares – genuinely horrific, emotionally loaded, inescapable proper nightmares. I’ve begun experiencing reluctance to return to sleep, and experience suggests I need to take steps to break this cycle before I develop a more serious sleep aversion that could quickly undermine my mental health. Visits to the Nightmare City don’t become less frequent with increasing sleep deprivation, I know this. Self-soothing becomes more difficult over time.

“The Nightmare City” 11″ x 14″ acrylic w/glow on canvas

I remind myself to rehang “The Nightmare City” where I can see it if I wake during the night. Seeing it helps anchor me to the here and now when I wake from traumatic nightmares. There’s so much chaos in the world right now: violence, genocide, femicide, and murder. I guess the nightmares aren’t so surprising. I breathe, exhale, and relax. Pain complicates things, too. Stress over my Traveling Partner’s wellness and recovery from his injury and surgery adds to the emotional load. Yeah… not surprising. What matters most, now, is dealing with all of it, supporting and caring for myself skillfully, and taking appropriate self-care measures.

It’s hard to know where to start sometimes. My “inner demons” dance in the shadows of lingering chaos and damage, taunting me with the shards of lasting trauma that fuel my nightmares. Tears start pouring down my face just recalling some moments of “then” and I tremble with ancient fear and anxiety that I’ve somehow “saved for later” from so long ago. “It’s not real, it’s not now.” I mutter out loud through clenched jaws. I force myself to breathe. Exhale. Relax. I set the pain and recalled trauma aside. I’m okay right now. I feel like I’m having to “handle it alone”, which feels incredibly sad and lonely, but… aren’t we all dealing with our own bullshit and baggage mostly alone? Making our own journey out of the mire? Walking our own path? Having our own experience? It’s not “personal”, just human.

The first moments of a new day; steps on a path.

I sigh and dry my tears. Nightmares aren’t “real”, and anxiety is a liar. I breathe, exhale, and relax, and lace up my boots. It’s daybreak. A new day. I’ve left the Nightmare City behind, and I’ve got this path ahead of me to walk. It’s time to begin again.

The truck has a different kind of comfort and offers a different point of view – new perspective on a familiar scene. I sit waiting for the sun, but it’s a choice; I’ve been getting my walks in early with my headlamp. It’s fine. I don’t prefer it, but I still enjoy the walk and the time with my thoughts in the pre-dawn quiet.

This morning a full moon lights the way.

I slept deeply through the night and woke from my dreams with some difficulty. I dragged myself groggily through my morning routine, and made coffee for my Traveling Partner before I quietly left the house. The entire time I kept reminding myself to take the truck, instead of my Mazda. lol I’m due to take the truck in to have the new roof rack installed; all the parts are finally in. This morning I’ll begin the work day from the lobby of the dealership service department. lol I don’t mind, it’s just another difference.

It’s Friday. I’m so glad – I’m really tired. It’s been, somehow, a crazy week. I feel fortunate and grateful, though; the coordinated efforts of my Traveling Partner and the Anxious Adventurer have given me a break from the continuous grind of caring for family, hearth, and home. It’s a relief to have help. Dinner was especially good last night, and I didn’t have to plan it, cook it, or clean up. I even managed to spend some time tidying up my personal space, reducing the clutter that had begun to accumulate over recent weeks (which had likely been contributing to my background stress).

I gaze at the moon awhile, lost in my thoughts. My partner pings me a good morning greeting. I feel very loved.

There are no great insights to be found in this post. No painful moment of drama or chaos being sorted out. No guidance being offered. It’s a different sort of morning, and I am savoring the moment, content with it as it is. This sort of lovely moment is the payoff of all the practicing. lol Definitely worth taking time to simply be, and to enjoy it as it is.

Daybreak will come soon, and when it does, I’ll begin again.