First, I’m fine. I’m okay, and there’s nothing amiss in this moment. That is an important detail.
I woke abruptly to a loud noise and a sense that something was seriously wrong. I woke fully triggered and in “overdrive”, ready to react to danger – of whatever unknown type there might be. There was nothing going on of the sort I could do anything about, it was only a loud noise. A door slamming somewhere, but it could have been anything or nothing at all; along with the PTSD, I am sometimes afflicted with “exploding head” nightmares. So… suddenly waking up in a panic, fully triggered, is not an unknown sensation for me.
I’m okay. My Traveling Partner is also okay for most values of okay, though he didn’t sleep through the night. I’m grateful that he isn’t hurt. When I woke that was my first (only) concern.
I dressed and headed to the trailhead. It’s raining. Today I don’t care at all, and I’ll feel better after I burn off this adrenaline fueled energy in a healthy way. My heart is still pounding and I was trembling for awhile. In every practical sense, though, I’m okay. Years of practice have given me more resilience. Totally worth the effort, though at the time, in the moment, the discipline of practicing practices often feels a little pointless. There’s no obvious immediate return on the effort… Well… It’s subtle and not obvious. The gains are there.
…I pull on my poncho and find my headlamp…
This is my path and I’m walking it. 😄 A little rain isn’t going to stop me. I definitely need to begin again.
Seems to be very effective so far… probably doesn’t hurt that the path is mine, and that I choose it myself.
…
…
I get back to the car a bit damp but not drenched. The rain is still falling steadily. I couldn’t stop at my usual halfway point due to that bit of the trail being flooded, and the place I often sit being surrounded by a large muddy stretch and water. Nope. I just walked on. By the time I reached that point I was feeling relaxed and merry. Ready for a new day. It’s enough.
The path ahead isn’t always smooth and well lit. There are going to be rainy days. There will be obstacles along the way, and detours. Being prepared for those is sometimes a matter of acceptance and a willingness to adapt to circumstances. PTSD screams that something is an emergency, though nothing is “wrong” in that kind of way at all. Sometimes a noise is just a noise. Being able to bounce back once I’m triggered is a pretty notable win for me.
I breathe, exhale and relax. I take a few minutes for meditation in the car. It’s already time to begin again.
I reach the halfway point on my walk, still in darkness. I woke early, but that isn’t important this morning. What seems most interesting is the bird I hear singing – it’s just a little odd to hear sweet snippets of cheery birdsong in the autumn darkness. It’s more of a Spring sound, somehow, and this particular song seems both familiar (I’ve heard it before, I’m sure) and strange (I don’t think I’ve ever heard it here). I listen awhile. The song begins. Ends. Resumes. Repeats.
A soft rain begins to fall. I don’t fuss about that and it isn’t vexing me at all. I’m properly prepared for the weather, warm in my sweater and soft fuzzy cardigan, and dry with my rain poncho over those. Sitting beneath overhanging branches, I’d be sheltered from the rain, here, almost completely in summer, but most of the leaves have now fallen, and the only shelter from the rain are the fewer evergreen branches. I’m for sure getting rained on. I don’t really care much. It’s fine. The air smells fresh and the morning is a mild one. I’m comfortable for most values of “comfort”, sitting here in the predawn darkness.
… I’m not really looking forward to work this morning. No particular reason besides having plenty I’d like to be doing for my own purposes, like wanting to paint but not having the energy to paint and work, generally. It is one of the most concrete signs of “aging” that I notice in my everyday experience; I am more likely to yield to fatigue than I am to paint in an exhausted frenzy of creative passion. I’m less inclined to stay up late painting after work, and less willing to drag my subsequently groggy, irritable, ineffective consciousness half awake through the next work shift. 😆 That was once pretty routine for me (and yet I managed to wonder why my mental health was so poor). It’s a change for the better, as far as taking care of this fragile mortal vessel is concerned – but I paint less, which frankly (from my own perspective) sucks.
I sigh to myself in the darkness and brush a damp strand of hair off my face. I probably need a haircut, I think to myself, and for a few moments I contemplate matters of appearance, aware that I am traveling down to the bay area for work in a couple weeks. I live in Oregon. The company is in San Francisco. The styles of dress are somewhat different, professionally and I sit wondering how much I actually care and how much that really matters anymore. The world has changed a lot in the years since the global pandemic first hit. I chuckle to myself. How much these details matter, generally, to “people”, and whether they matter to me personally in any practical way, now, are definitely different questions.
I smirk at myself in the darkness and wonder if there’s any value in telling the Anxious Adventurer that knowing oneself is an ongoing journey in life, and that figuring out “who am I?” is one of humanity’s big enduring questions. I keep asking it. I keep answering it. The answer is always evolving and changing over time as I learn more about the woman in the mirror. There is no one right answer to some questions – and that doesn’t change the importance of the answer to some one human primate (or, possibly, to the world), nor diminish the need to explore the question.
Daybreak comes. The rain stops. I sit enjoying the moment of solitude. I can almost imagine that the entire world is at peace. Awareness that it isn’t peaceful for everyone, everywhere, surfaces exactly long enough to provoke my anxiety, which surges and renders me momentarily breathless, stalled, heart pounding, chest tight. I gasp for air, and immediately begin taking the steps to reduce the physical experience of anxiety as much as I can, while I also begin the internal conversation with myself that seeks perspective and relief. Anxiety is a liar, and I know this to be true from my own experience. Over a few minutes the anxiety eases.
A lot of things can kick off my anxiety or symptoms of my PTSD. I’ve learned to take most of it in stride, and to accept that my subjective emotional experience is an unreliable indicator of imminent harm. I breathe, exhale, and relax. The anxiety eases. It’s been awhile since I’ve had a serious panic attack. I’m grateful it passed quickly. I’m grateful to have more, better, tools to manage my anxiety and soothe myself than I once did. I take time to meditate. It is an ordinary autumn morning, and everything is fine. I’m okay. This moment is okay. I’m grateful to be here, now.
… I’m grateful to avoid becoming trapped in an emotional mire…
I hear that bird singing. I get to my feet, ready to walk on. It’s already time to begin again.
I woke several times during the night, and returned to sleep with relative ease. I slept in, which wasn’t expected, but I’d made room for the possibility by not turning on my alarm at all. Sunrise comes later in the morning these days, but it still beat me to the trailhead. lol
…No idea why I was having such a restless night…
I set off down the trail as soon as I was parked and had my boots on…
A favorite spot to linger for a moment.
Yesterday, my Traveling Partner wanted a bit of time to himself to wake up and have his coffee, which is not a problem for me – it’s more of an opportunity. I poked around in retail spaces that sell used books looking for something particular to add to my wee library. I didn’t find it – and frankly didn’t expect to any more than I expect to see a herd of unicorns in the meadow on my morning walk. I was using the specific focus of my search to refine my attention, more than anything else. It was all for the joy of searching. What I did find is a 1979 12th edition Fanny Farmer cookbook – the very same cookbook which, along with the Better Homes and Gardens cookbook, and The Joy of Cooking, contained nearly all of my Dad’s “secret” recipes that were staples of my childhood. There are a lot of memories in those pages. $3 was not too much to pay for a cookbook in such great condition.
Recipes and memories
Being an older edition of this cookbook, the recipes are very much the ones I remember. My Better Homes & Gardens cookbook is a much later edition, by comparison, modernized more recently, and some of the changes to conform to modern dietary guidelines “break” the recipes (example, most of the recipes have simply had salt removed entirely and are quite bland). I can (and do) make corrections, but it’s nice when I don’t have to.
When I got home, I happily began looking for old favorites to try, and made a tuna casserole for dinner. It was definitely a tasty reminder of comfort foods of my childhood. I liked it well enough that it may join the rotation of everyday staple meals, or at least turn up on the table more often.
This morning is a cool, rainy one, at least here at the nature park. The trail is wet, and the meadow grass is wetter. The return of the rain reminds me that soon the seasonal marsh trail will close for the year, as the meadow soaks up more water, and becomes marshy once again. The geese are beginning to return, too. Autumn is approaching.
I breathe, exhale, and relax. I feel the pointless anxiety that chased me up the highway this morning begin to dissipate, with each deep breath of cool morning air. I fill my lungs with the scents of a rainy late summer morning at the edge of this meadow, and each time I exhale I imagine still more of my anxiety being released with my breath. It’s a simple enough exercise in visualization, and very effective. I’ve no particular reason to be anxious, but there it is; I deal with anxiety. Managing my anxiety such that it remains at a more or less normal level, serving to alert me appropriately to give attention to some legitimate concern and only that, is an ongoing challenge. I no longer take an Rx remedy – the side effects tended to be problematic – so I have to put enough consistent practice into self-soothing, non-attachment, and perspective to keep myself from succumbing to more severe episodes (and ideally also prevent panic attacks). When I am fortunate enough not to have much anxiety at all, it’s easy to think I’m “over it” or that it isn’t an issue for me anymore, but that’s an illusion, and it’s exceedingly foolish to give in to that bit of self deception. Steady practice and good self-care make more sense.
What am I so anxious about? It’s not even a question I actually have to ask, this morning. I just finished my first week at the new job, which has a 30-day “trial period” built into the contract. I don’t have any reason to expect that I won’t satisfy that requirement sufficiently well, it’s just a lingering awareness in the background with a lot of potential “what-if” attached, and this is a driver of anxiety for me. It is what it is. What it is, is a temporary circumstance, and utterly ordinary. “Nothing to see here”, but my anxiety doesn’t want to hear that. Everything could go wrong… On the other hand, there’s no reason at all to expect that things will go wrong… Anxiety is a liar.
I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s a lovely morning. I smile, thinking about a cookbook filled with recipes and memories. Today I’ll bake something, between housekeeping tasks. It is that day – a day to bring order from chaos, and get some things done before a new week begins. My anxiety nags me that I’ve only got three more weeks to “prove myself”, and I laugh out loud, startling a chipmunk I didn’t see until it darted away. I prove myself every day. I have for years. The thought makes me smile and my anxiety is gone for the moment, and has no power over me.
…The way out is through. It’s a journey, and I learn as I walk my path. We become what we practice…
I look down the trail, and up into the stormy sky. I smile to myself, remembering the new Hello Kitty tray my Traveling Partner made to hold my glasses when I am not wearing them. I feel very loved. I find myself eager to continue the day, and to return home to my beloved. Weekends are short – too short. I’m grateful to get to spend so much time together, and still have so many opportunities for a little solitude, too. It’s a nice balance.
I’ll sit with my thoughts a little while longer…soon enough it will be time to begin again.
I got home from work yesterday, grateful to have survived humanity through one more commute. Fuck, there are a lot of stupid people “out there”… Each homecoming at the end of a work day in the office feels worth celebrating.
Carrots from the garden
I began the evening by picking some carrots from the garden to roast for dinner. They’ll make a nice side dish for the tarragon chicken I plan to make. I’ll use tarragon from the garden, too. This a real treat, because the tarragon is relatively young (planted this year, back in March I think) and still getting established.
The evening was lovely. We hung out awhile, listening to music, watching videos, and enjoying some “family time”. Pleasant. I ended the evening at more or less the usual time, in more or less the usual way. I had a plan to sleep in, have a walk, and go to a morning appointment, and do grocery shopping on the way home. (So far so good, I suppose. I didn’t sleep in at all. I woke without an alarm, at some ridiculous hour, for no obvious reason. Definitely no sleeping in, though I was groggy for the entire drive to the trailhead.)
The morning greeted me with a fat full moon hanging low in the predawn sky. I watched it set, and the sunrise begin, as I drove. Lovely.
A last glimpse of the full moon setting, from a favorite mid-point on my walk.
The summer air is fragrant with a spicy floral scent of something blooming. I can’t describe it, and don’t know for sure what the fragrance is. I breathe deeply. I walk the trail marveling at the dense mist clinging to the ground. The sunrise is hues of peach and pink, edged in delicate gold. I feel fortunate to see such splendor with my own eyes.
Here’s the thing… I’m not in a great mood. I’m cross and fatigued and in pain. Yesterday evening, my shitty mood from sleeping poorly the night before continued to linger. Shitty moods and difficult moments are part of the human experience, but they are not all of it, even in those difficult moments. What I remember most about yesterday are those beautiful carrots from the garden and how delicious they were. What I will remember about this morning will more likely be the scents of summer and the beautiful sunrise, not my headache or my crappy mood. Learning to savor (and be present for) the small joys in life has tended to make life more pleasant, generally.
I sit, smiling, in this favorite spot, watching little birds and chipmunks and squirrels enjoying the morning. I watch the sun rise. I watch the shifting mist flow over the ground, moving with the air, almost as if it were liquid. I watch the moon set, disappearing below the edge of the western horizon. I’m not in any rush. Lingering over this pleasant moment is more than enjoyable; it is restoring my joy and merriment. Each pleasant moment, and each breath of fragrant summer air brings a sense of joy, and my mood slowly improves. My irritation diminishes. I’m still tired and in pain, but it matters a little less with each passing moment of enjoyment in this place. We become what we practice. 😁
I reach a point of quiet contentment and general satisfaction with the moment, and with life. Nice place to find myself. I breathe, exhale, and relax. Sunlight fills the meadow and lights the tree tops. I sigh as I get to my feet. It’ll be time to begin again by the time I get back to the car.
I’m sitting quietly with my thoughts, sorting the real from the unreal, and working to process troubling details of both. Emotional work still feels like work, sometimes.
Sooner or later someone you care about deeply, someone you love and loves you in return, is going to say some terrible shit to you, hurt your feelings, or create turmoil and sadness in your heart. That’s just real. Humans being human. That’s generally more about them, and not about you at all, regardless what was actually said. How you respond to it, how you deal with it, that’s the bit that’s you, and it defines your character. Just saying. Forgiveness, empathy, kindness, and compassion, can all be difficult to practice under trying circumstances. Still worthwhile for someone you love, right? It’s hard sometimes. Human beings can be pretty spectacularly vile – even towards someone they say they love. I sit and think about that for awhile.
Lately my disturbed sleep has been more likely to include nightmares – genuinely horrific, emotionally loaded, inescapable proper nightmares. I’ve begun experiencing reluctance to return to sleep, and experience suggests I need to take steps to break this cycle before I develop a more serious sleep aversion that could quickly undermine my mental health. Visits to the Nightmare City don’t become less frequent with increasing sleep deprivation, I know this. Self-soothing becomes more difficult over time.
“The Nightmare City” 11″ x 14″ acrylic w/glow on canvas
I remind myself to rehang “The Nightmare City” where I can see it if I wake during the night. Seeing it helps anchor me to the here and now when I wake from traumatic nightmares. There’s so much chaos in the world right now: violence, genocide, femicide, and murder. I guess the nightmares aren’t so surprising. I breathe, exhale, and relax. Pain complicates things, too. Stress over my Traveling Partner’s wellness and recovery from his injury and surgery adds to the emotional load. Yeah… not surprising. What matters most, now, is dealing with all of it, supporting and caring for myself skillfully, and taking appropriate self-care measures.
It’s hard to know where to start sometimes. My “inner demons” dance in the shadows of lingering chaos and damage, taunting me with the shards of lasting trauma that fuel my nightmares. Tears start pouring down my face just recalling some moments of “then” and I tremble with ancient fear and anxiety that I’ve somehow “saved for later” from so long ago. “It’s not real, it’s not now.” I mutter out loud through clenched jaws. I force myself to breathe. Exhale. Relax. I set the pain and recalled trauma aside. I’m okay right now. I feel like I’m having to “handle it alone”, which feels incredibly sad and lonely, but… aren’t we all dealing with our own bullshit and baggage mostly alone? Making our own journey out of the mire? Walking our own path? Having our own experience? It’s not “personal”, just human.
The first moments of a new day; steps on a path.
I sigh and dry my tears. Nightmares aren’t “real”, and anxiety is a liar. I breathe, exhale, and relax, and lace up my boots. It’s daybreak. A new day. I’ve left the Nightmare City behind, and I’ve got this path ahead of me to walk. It’s time to begin again.
Evening Light 