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Reflections vs Resolutions

January 6, 2025 //
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I’m sipping my coffee, reflecting on the year behind me and thinking ahead to the year that has newly begun. “The journey is the destination.” So it’s said. So I hear. I accept that as a given, actually, after walking my path awhile. It’s the first “proper Monday” of the new year as I sit here at my desk, and I’ve a pen and a small notebook at hand. I make notes as I reflect on my life and my achievements, missed opportunities, and occasional disappointments of the year behind me. The notes are in two columns this time around; “stepping stones” and “pitfalls”. The stepping stones are things I can adopt or continue as practices that will tend to build the life I want to live, and help me become the woman I most want to be. The pitfalls are those things that may tend to hold me back or undermine my progress. Simple stuff.

I’ve given my year a “theme”, intended to represent a destination of sorts, on which I can anchor my intentions, goals, and priorities. This year my theme is “living a quality life”, which I am defining as living my best life without exhausting myself (or my resources).

My list of stepping stones is quite practical, and seems very achievable. It’s not even long, and is made up mostly of things I greatly enjoy. How handy is that? This is by intention; it’s easier to practice things that are either very enjoyable or which have an immediate “pay off”. There are only two wholly conceptual items, but they are important ideas for the year ahead: presence, and consistency. I see them as being necessary to the success of everything else on my list.

  • Learn a language (I’m already working on this one, by working on rebuilding and improving my Czech language skills, which are quite rusty)
  • Read more bound books (I’ve got a stack of them, and I’ve already finished one – but it’s not a race, and comprehension is a key part of the experience)
  • Paint more (this one is a bigger deal than two small words imply, and meets many needs)
  • Walk more/further (788 trail miles in 2024 – can I hit 1000 in 2025? Self-care? Meditation? Fitness? A bit of all that and more.)
  • More strength training (an important part of fitness and health as I age, and utterly necessary as I continue to lose weight and use semaglutide to manage my blood sugar.)
  • Food/diet – explore new recipes and skills (and write down the successes in the new family recipe binder my Traveling Partner gifted me this year! The semaglutide being what it is, food has become a very intentional thing, which seems healthier, too.)
  • Drink more water (the science says it really matters – and I definitely feel better when I do.)

My list of pitfalls is surprisingly short, but each item on that list is a potential chasm – a sinkhole more than a pothole on life’s journey. Self-reflection lets me get down to basics in a way that prevents me from petty self-criticism or negative rumination, and provides me with positive observations I can really work with to limit poor behavioral choices, and to develop better practices that are themselves in line with my “presence” and “consistency” stepping stones. Win!

  • Autopilot (no lie, I like things easy, and I rely on habit and routine to stay the course with some healthy practices, but leaving things on “autopilot” is the literal opposite of being present, and it comes with some troubling negative consequences. It’s worth learning to remain present, aware, and mindful even when being consistent with some routine practice – and potentially more joyful.)
  • Failed practices (being human, failure is a thing and there’s no dodging that, but healthy practices need… practice. Resuming a valued practice that has momentarily failed is a matter of beginning again. Worth the effort.)
  • The fallow garden (literal and metaphorical; 2024 was a terrible year for my garden. My Traveling Partner needed more from me than I truly had to give, and that wasn’t negotiable from my perspective – other things, particularly my garden, fell by the wayside and need new resolve and attention in the year to come.)
  • Malaise (it’s easy to let fatigue push me to failure through exhausted inaction, it’s hard to overcome, but good self-care and careful management of time and energy are worthy tools to prevent falling into this trap)
  • Resentment (another all-to-human trap, this one is avoided through connection, openness, skillful communication and boundary-setting, and reliably consistent self-care)
  • Sugar! (Just keeping it real, this shit is like poison for me.)

This stuff isn’t complicated. Just some notes taken as I reflect on my life and consider what I want out of it. What do I want? I want joy and contentment. I want improved wellness. I want improved intimacy and connection in my relationship(s). I want satisfaction in life and “order from chaos”. I want to live on principles of sufficiency, within my resources. As I said – it’s not complicated stuff, and mostly seems pretty doable. It’s not “fancy”, and as goals go these seem rather more “within reach” than grandly aspirational. I still have to really work at all of this, though. I’m quite human.

I make a point to “set myself up for success”. I’m not looking at the calendar telling myself I need to be a size 8 by next Thanksgiving, or that I’ll be fit to run a marathon by the 4th of July. I’m not making a long list of weighty tomes and demanding that I finish them all before the next new year. In fact, these mostly don’t adhere to “SMART” goals at all. (SMART goals are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-based, great for professional project management.) My life is not a corporate entity with a 5 year plan and key performance indicators that must be reached to qualify as a success. lol I’m not saying SMART goals are not worthwhile in a great many use-cases. It’s more that I’m a human being, living a life that I’d like to enjoy. My mortal time is finite and precious. So… these are my goals, approached my way. The success is defined by me, based on my values. This works for me. It’s enough.

Speaking of limited time… it’s already time to begin again. I make myself a calendar entry to remind me to look back on this moment of self-reflection later, and see how I did when this year ends. (I do find purposeful self-reflection very useful.)

…I wonder where this path leads…

Seems to be very effective so far… probably doesn’t hurt that the path is mine, and that I choose it myself.
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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gardening, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, inspiration, joy, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, The Art of Being, weight loss secrets, winter, Words

On Being Adaptable

December 31, 2024 //
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Well, shit. It’s the last day of 2024. Hell of a year. A lot of things changed in 2024 – it was a very eventful year. I’m not going to bother listing all the details, plenty of other people will.

…This morning I woke up ill. lol Just fucking great – not what I planned, obviously – this would have been a routine work day, instead I’m calling out sick, and going back to bed after having some hot tea and quickly looking over my work email for anything urgent (there isn’t anything). I’m having some oatmeal (soothing, sort of, I guess). Annoyingly enough, I’d left my laptop in the office all set up for work this morning – a convenient little luxury now and then (since I usually haul it back and forth between shifts). So… yeah, I had to drive to the office to pick it up. I’m laughing at myself. I’m okay for many values of okay, I’m only ill with whatever local ick is going around right now, and the symptoms prevent me from working comfortably, but it’s not like I’m fucking dying or anything. I’ll be okay, it’s just aggravating.

I sigh to myself, sipping my hot tea between flavorless bites of oatmeal. It could be worse. It’s not Norovirus. It’s not Covid. It’s barely a headcold of some sort or another; I can breathe pretty comfortably. I’ve got a massive (new) headache, and all my joints ache like crazy, and I’m mired in this overall “cellular level” feeling of “don’t give a fuck about any of that” fatigue that will send me back to bed as soon as I have returned home. Still… it could most definitely be ever so much worse.

It’s the end of 2024. Instead of going out with the pop of a champagne cork, I guess it’ll go out with a sneeze and a sniffle, and the sound of me ripping open a new box of tissues. lol

I breathe, exhale, and relax. I sip my tea. I eat my oatmeal. I focus on good self-care, and being careful as I make my way through the moments of the day (my mind is foggy and I’m a bit sluggish, and it’s wise to account for that). Being sick for New Year’s wasn’t part of my plan…but reality doesn’t care about my plans, at all. lol Just gotta roll with the circumstances and do my best. I make room for gratitude, while I also recognize the chills that wash over me. Time to head home, and go back to bed.

…Here’s hoping 2025 is a better year, generally, for everyone, than 2024 has been or so many people…

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Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Practices, The Art of Being

The Bills Always Come Due

December 27, 2024 //
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I’m sipping my coffee from the relative comfort of the office, having just put the finishing touches on the budget for this payday. I sigh quietly. The big gift-giving holiday of the year is behind me, now, and although the glow and warmth and merriment linger in my recollection and my sense of things, it’s definitely time to put my focus on paying the bills. We’ve got to pay for our fun, and this is a pretty solid, reliable truth of the human experience. Choose your adventure; pay the price of admission. There’s always a price to be paid. Big choices, small choices, moments of overreach, investments in a future we earnestly desire – doesn’t matter “what it’s all about”, sooner or later the bills come due. Running from it just makes the interest pile up (metaphorical or actual – things don’t get less expensive if we try to avoid paying the cost).

I sit with my osteo-arthritis pain; the bill I pay for choosing to live – and to do so without violence. That broken back that griefs me on the regular? I find it hard to feel real regret over that; I chose life, my actual own life, rather than face likely (imminent) death at the hands of my violent ex-husband. Was the price too high? Hardly. It was very much worth the price I’ve paid – and will continue to pay. Doesn’t make it less expensive.

Thankfully, most of the time the bills that come due in life are merely actual bills – the payments we have to make for some moment of fun we chose to have. This morning, I’m looking over my budget, grateful for the job that pays for the life my Traveling Partner and I are fortunate to share at this point in our lives. We’re not wealthy, and probably never will be (I don’t think it’s really a goal for either of us, honestly – we just want to enjoy “enough”), but the pantry is stocked, and we’ve got electricity, heat, running water, and highspeed internet. We’ve got books to read and a well-outfitted shop in which to make things (or fix things). We’ve got our little garden, and our life together. It’s enough. It is, in fact, the best life I’ve personally ever been so fortunate as to enjoy, and it’s definitely worth the price I pay when the bills come due. Isn’t that the important thing? That it feels worth it, I mean? That it feels like enough?

I sit with my gratitude in this quiet moment, hoping that this good time in our life together lasts a good long while. The future isn’t written and the world is full of turmoil. It’s hard to say where the future will take any of us, or how long one mortal life may last. I look over the budget one more time, and ask a question I know matters – although I don’t like to consider it; what can I do to protect my partner’s future from uncertainty if “the ultimate bill” comes due, and he’s left to go on without me? I don’t run from that thought these days – it’s too important to overlook it, and the bills always come due, eventually. That was a hard lesson to learn, but it’s an important one. So, I recommit myself to freedom from debt and building our savings; if either of us is left to deal with life alone, it’d be nice not to worry about debt. We have shared values and a shared understanding on this detail, and we plan together. It’s a partnership, for real. I smile to myself; it feels good to have a proper partner on life’s journey. More to be grateful for.

I sip my coffee. I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s a mortal life, sure, but so worth taking time to savor each precious moment. I look at the calendar – 4 more days to the near year. Already? Already. Time to begin again.

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Categories 2024 Election, Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, War and News of War, winter

Well That Was Weird

December 20, 2024 //
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Mid-morning. I pause work for a break. I refresh my coffee (by pouring cold brew over the ice left from my iced espresso this morning). I breathe, exhale, relax… and re-set. Strange busy morning. I woke early, waited through a moment of intense vertigo. Breathed through some intense early morning back pain. Got my shit together and left for work – and my walk. I kept my walk short and careful in the pre-dawn darkness; the vertigo always spooks me a little bit, and I felt insecure out on the trail away from help if I fell. I headed on in to the office… which was… locked. Weird. Not just, you know, locked in the usual way requiring me to use an app to validate my access and unlock the door for me, nope, it was properly locked with the physical deadbolt. Super weird. I couldn’t get in.

I sat down on the hallway floor by the door, switched to the work profile on my smart phone and alerted my team that I was not able to get into the office, and therefore also not able to log into my computer (I’d left my laptop set up overnight, a rare – and in this instance unfortunate – luxury). Shit. Well, no super early calls, and I could access the team chat and my email from my device. All good. I messaged the co-work space management about the locked door, and hoped that some other early bird with access to the side door might happen along (it has a numerical keypad, for which I don’t personally have a code – never needed one). No such luck; the last Friday before a mid-week Giftmas holiday? Lots of folks are working shorter hours, coming in later, leaving earlier, enjoying the season.

Eventually I lucked out; the co-work space owner responded to me on Slack. She tried to unlock the door remotely, but of course, that deadbolt was the problem. New cleaning crew, apprently. lol We had a laugh, before she gave me a code to access the side door. I headed to my desk and logged in for my next call – on time. Nice. Since then, the day has felt rushed but routine, and I’m fine. No meltdown. No particular stress over it. No harm done. I, too, am enjoying things a little easier, and didn’t really need to be in so early. I lost my “slack time” for reading the news, or writing for a moment, but quickly caught up on the work details, until this later moment – when I often fail myself during the day by not taking a break. So, I’m taking the break I know I need. 😀

I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s a good day in spite of the oddball moments and unexpected circumstances. I’m fine. It’s a cloudy gray morning. Tomorrow is the Solstice. Today is Friday. It’s all fine. I’m okay for all identifiable definitions of “okay” in this moment right here, now, and it’s enough.

I sip my coffee and get ready to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, autumn, breathe, Frustration, gratitude, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Practices, The Art of Being

A Little of This, A Little of That

December 19, 2024 //
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Odd morning. Not a bad one at all, just a profound departure from the routine. For one thing, I overslept my artificial sunrise, and woke to the full brightness of the lights in the room, 10 minutes or so later than intended, and far later than typical. I woke in considerable pain, and very stiff, feeling like I’d been sleeping in the same strange position “all night”, with a stiff neck and back. Awkward. I moved slowly through my morning routine, almost leaving the house without putting my shoes on. I arrived at the trailhead emotionally prepared to walk, but feeling less than ideally eager to do so – the crick in my neck was still really super painful (and still is). Rough. I got a short walk in, then headed to the office to… work?

First I sipped coffee. Then I read my email. I watched a couple videos without really paying attention, then listened to some music. It’s been a weird morning. I pulled my attention back to work, and got some things done, now I’m distracted and a bit irritable because somewhere, someone is vacuuming something rather loudly, and the noise is carried through the building – a high pitched whine that I could seriously do without. What a peculiar morning.

I make another cup of coffee. The noise of the vacuuming finally stops. My neck still aches, but I’m not in a bad mood over it. I look at the picture of the Giftmas tree that I snapped this morning on my way to work for some reason – just pure childlike delight, I suppose. I grin to myself happily in spite of the pain in my neck. It’ll pass, eventually. I breathe, exhale, and relax. Only two days to the Winter Solstice. Only a week until Giftmas. Just 13 days to an entirely new year year. Wow. 2025 already here? How the hell did that happen “so fast”? Was I just distracted with the work of worrying and caregiving all year long? Damn. Life feels pretty good right now. This moment right here? Quite a nice one. I smile and take it all in, and sit with these positive hopeful feelings awhile. Soon enough, it’ll be time to begin again, practicing practices, and walking my path. For now though, this moment is enough.

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Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, The Art of Being
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