The sun seems to rise slowly against the pastel shades of pink and peach. The sky is hazy with the disbursed smoke of far away wildfires. Summer. Fire season.
Outcome to be determined.
I walked with my headache, my tinnitus, and my thoughts. The sounds of traffic on the highway nearby, and construction somewhere, create a “fuzzy” nothing sort of background noise. My thoughts are not important, nor are they particularly coherent. I’m just walking and thinking. I let the thoughts come and go. I stop at a favorite view point to sit, meditate, write, and watch the sun rise. I’ve got the trail and the park alone this morning, so far. I breathe the meadow-sweet morning air contentedly. I enjoy this moment; whatever else the day may throw at me, I’ve got this lovely peaceful moment to enjoy.
Yesterday was a strange mix of pleasant and difficult moments. Very human. I don’t stay focused on the difficulties; those things were sorted out yesterday. Resolved. Corrected. I do reflect further on the pleasant moments, letting them fill my thoughts for some little while. Savoring those moments because they matter most. I let my heart fill with recollections of joy, love, and laughter. I smile. I have a good sense of what matters most (these days, to me).
The yellow and white meadow flowers bobbing back and forth in the slight breeze atop brown summer stems are a pleasantly fragrant distraction from my headache. I watch small birds picking at the ground next to the trail. The sun continues its slow journey upwards from the horizon. Mornings hold so much promise. I sit quietly thinking about the day ahead without forcing it to become more than this moment, here. The future is unwritten, undetermined, and full of potential. I let it remain so. I watch the sun rise.
Every journey, every new beginning, starts where I am.
I experience a moment of sorrow, and a stray tear wells up and spills over. I am missing people who are dear to me, now gone. It’s a lonely sort of moment; there is so much to share, so much that I would talk about… I quietly say “I miss you” out loud, to no one in particular, and cry a little. Poignant. Human.
…The journey is the destination. Loss is part of the human experience…
I breathe, exhale, and relax. I let go of my sorrow. It’s a new day, and it’s time to begin again. I get to my feet and stretch, and turn back up the trail…
This is a traveler’s tale, and a metaphor intended to provide perspective on a common challenge (for mechanics, travelers, and human beings, generally).
Imagine, if you will, a person with a vehicle. The vehicle is used. The person intends to be the mechanic, and plans to “fix up” the vehicle for long-term use. The vehicle is not “chosen”, just happens to be the (used) vehicle at hand. It’s got… “issues”, some wear-and-tear, and some obvious damage. It’s the only vehicle available to the person-now-mechanic, no trade-ins, no swaps – it is what it is, and it’s got to last a lifetime.
The mechanic doesn’t have a manual for the vehicle, but other mechanics generously share what they have learned over time. He doesn’t choose to put this knowledge into practice; he’s sure he’s got this, and can simply do the troubleshooting and handle the repairs, although he doesn’t actually know much about the vehicle (in spite of having been the only “owner”, and using it regularly). He frequently complains about how crappy his vehicle is, and when offered advice generally finds ample reason to disregard it, or contradicts with some reason the advice doesn’t apply to his vehicle at all.
This mechanic – on top of not having a repair manual for this vehicle – has never repaired a vehicle before, never done much troubleshooting, never had any training on vehicle repair (and most of what he “knows” about maintenance is incorrect). His toolbox is… empty. He has only his vehicle, which needs repairs, and his less-than-fully-committed desire to fix it (and continue to use it). He regularly swears at, and about, the vehicle, calling it names, dismissing its value to him, and expressing no particular gratitude for having a vehicle that runs, at all, even though it regularly manages to get him from place to place pretty reliably.
Friends of the mechanic – mechanics themselves – offer the mechanic tools to add to his toolbox and make suggestions about how to proceed, based on their own experience learning to maintain and repair their vehicles. He slowly acquires some wrenches, a socket set, and assorted other basic tools for getting the necessary work done. Nothing much gets done; he doesn’t yet know how to use the tools, nor how to repair the vehicle (having overlooked, forgotten, or disregarded all the information and suggestions provided to him). He’s too embarrassed to ask how various tools work, or how best to use them. (He doesn’t want to “look stupid”.) He walks around his vehicle each morning with a frown, giving it an occasional kick, or knocking on it randomly with a wrench. He knows nothing. He’s pretty convinced he can – and must – do this entirely on his own, though all of his tools and knowledge have come from other mechanics, as it is. He doesn’t apply that information, nor learn those lessons. He stubbornly insists he’ll do this himself… then does nothing, because he doesn’t know what to do, which tool to use, or how to proceed.
…He’s not even really sure what’s wrong, he just feels “everything is worthless and terrible”, without recognizing that much of his situation is his own doing…
The mechanic continues to drive his damaged vehicle which runs poorly. He continues to bitch constantly about what a piece of garbage his vehicle is. He becomes angry with the frustration of mechanics around him who don’t understand how it is he feels so helpless…and they become angry with him. (Have they not provided the information? The tools? Some guidance? Haven’t they offered to help?) He’s sure they “don’t understand” his situation. His vehicle is a broken piece of shit that is worthless!! How do they not see that? Why don’t they tell him how to turn his broken vehicle into a luxury sports car in three easy steps?! Why didn’t he get a better vehicle in the first place?? How is it not obvious to every mechanic around that he’s at a unique disadvantage that surely they can’t understand!? Each morning, he wakes up, goes to his broken vehicle, and crossly goes about his business, frustrated and filled with despair. He often wonders if maybe he just sucks as a mechanic – but he’s yet to actually undertake any repair work, or try to repair his vehicle. Mostly, he just uses it and complains about its condition. Sometimes he lets it run out of gas, then complains about how the vehicle let him down, again. Sometimes he parks it carelessly, then complains about new damage when rolls downhill and hits a fence post or a tree. Sometimes he performs some maintenance task, but rejects all the instructive advice he was given, does the task incorrectly, and then complains that it “didn’t work”.
…Doesn’t he deserve a luxury sports vehicle..?
…Sure seems like everyone else has a better vehicle than he does…
It’s a metaphor. We’re the mechanics of these vehicles that are our mortal lifetimes. This fragile mortal vessel succumbs so easily to illness, injury, or simple fatigue. This delicate soul which inhabits our mortal form is easily damaged by trauma, disappointment, and sorrow. If we don’t practice good self-care, our experience over time degrades. We develop poor practices to cope with unpleasant circumstances. Our health may fail. Life happens – a lot – and there is much to endure. If we don’t “read the manual” (in whatever form that sort of information is available to us), we’re at risk of not caring for ourselves skillfully. When we don’t have the tools to care for our bodies, minds, and hearts, we may find ourselves broken, and feeling pretty lost and beat down. When we don’t practice the skills we do learn, those skills degrade and provide less value. When we reject help, or tools, from those around us who care and who have greater knowledge or experience, we slow our progress on life’s journey.
…The journey is the destination…
We don’t know what we don’t know. There’s a lot to learn. Life is short – so short. I’m not saying being a mechanic is easy. We don’t even get to choose our vehicle! We get what we get – and it’s used by the time we realize we’re the only mechanic available to service it!
Practice using your tools.
Read the fucking manual. (And pay attention to useful information when offered.)
Use the most appropriate tool for the task at hand.
Keep your tools organized and ready to use.
Ask for help.
Accept help when offered – especially if you asked for it!
Do your best.
Take a break when you feel overwhelmed.
Be grateful for the vehicle you have – it could be worse. (You could be walking.)
Enjoy the drive. That’s the whole point.
Becoming a skilled mechanic takes time and effort. Maintaining your “vehicle” in peak operating condition requires real work. Give yourself the time, and do the work. Mastery requires practice – a lot of practice – and there are no shortcuts. When you fail (and you will), learn from your mistakes – and begin again.
I’m watching the sun rise from my halfway point on my morning walk. It’s not exactly chilly, and today will likely be another hot one, but I am grateful to have worn this fleecy long-sleeved top. I’m comfortable as I sit here.
I made a point to have an expectation-setting conversation with the Anxious Adventurer yesterday evening. It went decently well, although I am certain I’ll be needing to reinforce a lot of very basic stuff with my well-intentioned (but sometimes surprisingly ignorant) stepson. It’s a process. Growth happens over time with persistence, patience, and practice.
It was clear some of what I had to say was hard for the Anxious Adventurer to hear in the moment. I felt for him; it’s a lot to learn and grow into when we uproot ourselves from what we know to embrace something entirely new. I’m sitting and thinking about two important things he communicated to me during our conversation. Firstly, he is suffering from a ton of self-loathing, which is sad to hear (a lot of us have had to deal with it, ourselves). He’s a rather human assortment of good intentions and poor decision making that seems pretty ordinary, really. Nothing especially hateful or disappointing. He added the second point, which is that he doesn’t have a sense of who he would ideally like to be, and that he lacks a clear picture of what that could look like (or what it would require to achieve). Rough. How does a person go from “here” to “there” without a sense of some sort of general direction to go?
I breathe, exhale, and relax. I take a moment to feel grateful for my sense of self, and my sense of purpose.
I sit with my thoughts and consider what tools and practices brought me face to face with the woman in the mirror, and allowed me to begin building a clearer picture of the person I most wanted to be. I think about the conversations and self-reflection involved in eventually learning to be my own best friend, to be the first one to really listen to myself, reliably, and to embrace the person I am as actually worthy. It’s been years of practice, of self-care and self-reflection, and of therapy… I can (and do) encourage the Anxious Adventurer to seek therapy, definitely. There’s so much of this fairly mundane shit that he could so easily work through himself, it’s hard to know where to begin with a suggestion… (I’m no therapist). I do dislike seeing my stepson suffer, but realistically he’s the one who has to do the verbs here. No map. No user’s manual. Life is messy and sometimes complicated. Being human can be so difficult to do well.
What matters most?
How did I get from there to here?
What practices are most likely to produce quick encouraging results?
How can I most helpfully foster growth and appropriate behavior without undermining the Anxious Adventurer’s agency or taking on work he needs to do for himself?
What exercises in meditation and self-reflection can I recommend that will help him understand his lived values, select the values he wants to live with real care, and sort out who he most wants to be?
I sit awhile longer with my thoughts and my questions. Soon enough it’ll be time to head back to the car and start a whole new week. My Traveling Partner’s surgery is now only a week away. There’s a lot going on in life. It’s a bit chaotic and rather demanding to adult at the required level. S’ok, I’ve got practices for this. It’s just a peculiarly busy time.
Most of the time, things are pretty ordinary.
I breathe, exhale, and relax. This morning’s sunrise wasn’t much to talk about, but it’s a new day nonetheless. There are practices to practice, and it’s time to begin again. I get to my feet with a sigh, straightening my stiff legs, and hit “upload” before I walk on…
I’m sipping my morning coffee contentedly. It’s instant. I don’t care much about that – it’s fine. It’s even fairly good. There’s a sea breeze blowing through the open patio door. The breeze carries the scent of the sea from beyond the bay, and the sounds of sea birds beginning their day. It’s quite early, but past daybreak. A sunrise that I won’t see is imminent, and the skies are cloudy and hinting at more rain. From the desk in my hotel room, I can see gulls walking over the sand of the beach. The tide is out, and Siletz Bay has emptied and become a vast muddy flat, speckled with various seabirds: gulls, herons, and other birds I can’t name.
Morning on Siletz Bay at low tide.
I woke gently after a long-seeming night of decently good quality rest. I woke several times for no obvious reason, but it is a hotel, and it is rather noisy here even during the wee hours. Still, I got ample rest and woke feeling merry and definitely ready for coffee. Without hesitation, I dressed and made my way out and down to the beach for a walk in the cool morning breeze along the edge of the beach before returning to the room and making this very satisfying cup of coffee.
I opened the balcony door wide, to let in the sea breeze and the sound of the ocean. I can’t see it from this “ocean view” room on the first floor, but I can hear it. I’m not complaining, and I’m not dissatisfied, just saying – there’s no actual view of the ocean from this room. The bay is plenty entertaining and visually beautiful (the changing tides see to that). I gaze out through the open balcony door across the bay. Am I hearing thunder? I start feeling a bit chilled, in spite of this cup of hot coffee, so I put on my favorite baggy sweater for warmth, rather than close the door. I sip my coffee.
It’s been a good trip for creative work. I’m very satisfied so far with my progress, as I’ve switched to pastels and now need to learn this new medium. I’m enjoying the studious work of learning something new. I’m focused on landscapes for the most part, and it’s these that drew me to pastels – specifically sunrises and sunsets. There’s no further “why” to any of that, it’s simply the source of my current inspiration. I see a lot of sunrises.
New medium, new work.
It’s been a wholly satisfying break, and I definitely needed the downtime. Today, too, is mine. Mine for reflection, mine for walking, mine for reading, napping, wondering, and wandering. Mine for artistic study and for painting, or even for simply “playing with the colors”. Today begins with more rest, less stress, and hopefully ends with still more rest, and more resilience. The goal is to return home tomorrow ready to see my Traveling Partner through his recovery from his upcoming surgery without feeling exhausted, burdened, or so stressed that I just … can’t. It’s an endurance race, not a sprint – and this much needed pause along the way is intended to keep me in the race, all the way to the finish line, probably some time close to the winter holidays. (Realistically, although his initial recovery from the surgery itself may be pretty quick, I expect it may take some weeks or months for my Traveling Partner to get back to 100%, and I’d like to be quite useful and helpful and available for anything he may need to get there, over that time.)
I breathe, exhale, and relax. The sea breeze fills my lungs, and freshens the room. As the unseen sunrise progresses, I see the palette of the morning beach scene beyond the window change. There are now more shades of sandy beiges, and hints of bright green where strands of seaweed have been left behind by the receding tide. The darker browns of large pieces of driftwood, and the dark grays of the rocks that dot the beach along the bay stand out against the sand. The water is a chilly pale gray, with a hint of blue, and the sky above is quite the same, with a fluffier quality. To the west, a heavy foggy mist clings to the mountainside, obscuring the view. What sort of day will it be, I wonder?
…Where does this path lead?..
It’s too early yet to paint. The natural light coming in through the patio door isn’t yet enough. The interior lights of the room “aren’t the right color”. I laugh at my preferences regarding such things. I know me; if I were truly moved to paint something, with a specific idea in mind, the lighting as it is would not be sufficient to stop me. It’s just not my moment, artistically. I’m happy to sit, write, and drink coffee awhile longer. I think about making breakfast. I think about… beginning again. It’s a lovely day for it.
I breathe. Exhale. Relax. This moment, just as it is, is quite enough. I smile to myself and sip my coffee.
I’m sitting with my first coffee of the morning. I came prepared, and although it is instant, it’s a good quality instant, and a good cup of coffee. It’s hot, clean tasting on my tongue, and satisfying.
A rainy coastal Monday.
My first sight upon waking, was the rainy day beyond the balcony of my “ocean view” hotel room (which lacks any hint of ocean view, by virtue of being on the first floor, but offers a lovely view of Siletz Bay). The second thing I noticed was a couple of young… sea otters? Seals? They were relaxing on this side of the bay, quite nearby. I went to grab my camera to get a shot of this not-all-that-common sight (usually they’re on the other side of the bay, too far away to get a good picture with my lens). Returning to the balcony, I see that a man walking his dog has also spotted them. Does he stay well back to let them be? Oh, hell no, he’s American; he quickly moves forward to take his fucking dog closer. Jackass. The sea otters (I think, based on how they moved) slipped back into the water as he closed in on them with his (thankfully leashed) dog. I got a couple of truly pointless shots of the larger pod they are clearly part of, as individuals bobbed above the water, and the pod moved on down the bay. Still – what a fun sight. I take a moment to enjoy that, and I forget about the man and his dog.
I woke early enough that the beach was empty (on a rainy morning), and slept in (for real) late enough to wake well past daybreak, dawn, or even sunrise (although there is no sunrise to see on this gray rainy morning, only a homogenous gray sky). I feel rested. I leave the balcony door wide open to let in the sea breeze and the cool fresh air. I sip my coffee, contentedly. I’m here with my pastels, and I can paint as easily from reference photos and from my imagination, as I can from the actual view, so the rain is nothing to me, and doesn’t change my plans, or upset me in any way. It was lovely to sleep so deeply, and to wake so rested. If that were all I got from this trip away, it would be very much worth it.
I breathe, exhale, and relax. My back aches ferociously. The damp climate of a cool rainy summer day on the coast is hard on my arthritis pain, and for a moment I am “feeling my years”, until I think to recall that I’ve had this arthritis since I was 24 or 25 years old – so for almost 40 years – and it’s nothing at all to do with age or aging. I shrug it off as an annoyance of no consequence, and get on with things anyway. It still amounts to an irritating distraction, but little more than that, so far. My tinnitus is not quite silenced by the wind and the waves – it’s a combination of sounds that sort of “drowns it out” when I’m on the coast, close enough to hear the ocean. It’s a nice break from the aggravation of my tinnitus at full volume. I take a minute to enjoy it with my full attention.
It’s not yet late enough for the hotel breakfast, but I rarely find their strange grab-and-go assorted things for “breakfast” to be satisfying, nourishing, or even particularly “breakfast-y”. Just a cheap convenience, and this trip I am more prepared to take care of this fragile vessel. I’ve got salad greens, blueberries, cashews, and hard-boiled eggs in the room fridge, and I make a simple breakfast salad. My stomach isn’t yet particularly interested in food (it’s a bit soon after waking), but it’ll be lovely to have a “real breakfast” once I’m ready to eat something.
These are such mundane details of such an ordinary life – why bother writing any of this down? I dunno, because maybe someone, somewhere, reading this hasn’t sorted it all out yet? Hasn’t “solved for X” in some of life’s math, perhaps, and simply reflecting on the things that work – or don’t – and what matters most (at least now, to me) may be helpful perspective in some way? In 2013, for example, I don’t think it would have occurred to me how much my own choices in life – simple practical decision-making – were responsible for the vast majority of my personal misery. I don’t know that simply saying “you’re doing this to yourself” would have gotten through to me, but perhaps someone simply reflecting on the things that are working well – small, sustainable, simple choices – might have guided me (or at least made me think)? Besides… I just write. It’s a thing I do. (I’m grateful that you are reading. Thank you.) It’s also “for me”; I often go back and read my writing from other days, other circumstances, with new eyes, or seeking new inspiration, or a reminder that “this too will pass”, or that I’ve “been here before”. (One of the lasting consequences of my TBI is simply that I have some memory-related challenges, and some oddities about how I perceive (or don’t) novelty – sometimes I just don’t recognize that I’ve “been through this before”. Helps to have a reminder.)
…I sit awhile, reflecting on how far this journey has taken me over the past 11 years, from being deeply negative, traumatized, mired in despair, and looking for “an exit strategy”, to where I am now – mostly pretty positive, generally contented, often joyful, enjoying life and love (and even enjoying work), and feeling a deep sense of… joie de vivre. It’s lovely. Each sunrise is worth seeing. Each day has something new to offer. Not only is the journey the actual destination…it’s a journey I find worth taking. That’s a long way to come from those dark days standing on the precipice, ready to decide whether to make a permanent end to my pain. I’m grateful that I made the appointment with the therapist who helped me find my way to a better path. (If you’re in despair, please reach out to someone for help. You matter.)
I stand, stretch, and begin to dress. I haven’t yet gone for a walk on the beach (or taken any walk at all yet, this morning). Seems a pleasant morning for it. The rain has stopped, the sand is firm, and although the tide is coming in, it won’t be a very high tide – plenty of beach to walk. The morning feels oddly “out of order”, with coffee and breakfast ahead of my walk. I chuckle to myself. This is the sort of healthy variation from a routine that serves to keep my brain flexible and young. I go with it. No complaints. Rigidity of thinking does not serve a human primate well. I breathe in the fresh ocean air deeply, and exhale, imaging blowing my pain out with my exhaled breath. I’m not sure it’s an effective strategy, but doing so amuses me and diminishes the power my pain has over my mind. I stand in the open doorway, watching the gulls and crows down on the beach. Somewhere nearby I hear a woodpecker. Now dressed, the day feels that it has more truly begun. I nibble at my salad, and finish my first coffee. There’s more hot water ready, so making a second cup is an obvious next step; there’s no hurry. This is my life. This is my time. This is my experience. Every step on this path is my “next step” – mine to choose, mine to walk, mine to reflect upon at the end of the day. Although our lives are intertwined and we are interdependent social creatures, we’re also each having our own experience. It matters to be and to choose – and to experience this life that I have chosen. I breathe, exhale, and relax.
…The day stretches ahead of me, unplanned, unconstrained, not yet filled with my choices and the verbs required by those choices. I am my own cartographer. The journey is the destination. It’s time to begin again.
Evening Light 