Archives for posts with tag: walking my own path

I don’t have all the answers. Some days, I’m fairly certain I don’t have any “answers”. At least, not to the questions I’m asking. This morning there’s this, though, which seeks to answer a whole lot of the “hard questions”, and offers a different path humanity could follow.

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

This morning i feel hopeful, but also more than a little cynical; human beings (particularly wealthy ones) don’t like plans that require those with much to give anything up for those with little. We’re sick like that. Still, I read an article about the report (a report prepared by knowledgeable experts in the relevant fields and based on a metric fuck-ton of data over decades) and it certainly sounds promising. I track down the link to the report for later. I definitely want to read the whole thing.

Human beings, being human. Most of the people who will be arguing about this report and its recommendations won’t actually read the report. They’ll read an article in the Guardian or the NYT or the Washington Post, and blurt out redigested opinions they don’t actually hold based on any depth of knowledge or real commitment, and behave as if they had a thought. That’ll be supremely irritating but it may be an unavoidable byproduct of our desire to “sound smart” – style over substance. I sigh to myself; I’m not immune. I’m human, too. I’m definitely going to read the actual report though; I enjoy feeling hopeful.

I walk down the trail on this chilly morning. Peculiarly, it feels more like autumn than Spring. I’m glad I wore a fleece over my sweater. The sky overhead is a cozy comforter of puffy gray clouds. There’s a strip of open sky on the western horizon and the blue gray hills in the distance are enhanced by layers of far off clouds that mimic still more hills, as if even taller mountains are beyond those hills I always see. It’s a visually appealing illusion. I find myself tempted to return to the car and drive to those faraway hills.

…It is a work day, an ordinary Thursday, and not the day for adventure…

I yawn as I walk. Still waking up. The morning is a festival of green hues. The dark greens of the oaks and pines, the bright strips of green that are the young vines in the vineyard create a lovely scene. The yellower and bluer greens of this or that flower or shrub keep things interesting. It’s a beautiful morning. The feeling is deepened and enhanced by this fragile feeling of hope. It’s a nice beginning to a new day.

As I walk, a realization hits me; I never saw my Traveling Partner stumble even once last night! I’m given yet another moment to feel hopeful and encouraged in life and I feast on it. I’m not starved from joy these days, I definitely get an ample portion, but little gives me more joy in the moment than my beloved’s continued recovery from injury. It’s the very best “birthday present” I can imagine.

As I walk, I notice that I feel physically less “weighed down by life”, less burdened, and I marvel at how much my emotional experience determines my physical experience. I’ve noticed it before, too; when I feel sad, pain seems worsened along with my mood. When I feel merry, my pain often lessens, too – or seems less bothersome, however bad it is. I’d say “that’s funny”, meaning strange, but I don’t want the observation confused for amusement. It’s useful. We not only become what we practice, we inhabit an experience colored by our emotions. That seems like an important detail.

I get to my halfway point almost unexpectedly. I have been lost in my thoughts. I sit awhile listening to the creek beyond the trees chortling as if amused by my human foolishness. I watch the illusion of mountains on the horizon begin to curl and shift and take on a pink color from the sunrise. They definitely look more like clouds than mountains, now.

… Change is

I breathe, exhale, and relax, grateful for my warm sweater and cozy fleece. I meditate awhile, feeling fortunate to have these quiet minutes to enjoy before a busy work day, aware that this is a choice. This? Here, now? It’s a familiar path, even metaphorically, but that doesn’t diminish the value in the path, the metaphor, or the lessons I can take from walking it. It’s a nice change to feel so hopeful.

I watch the clouds shifting and the changing light and shadows as the sun rises. I savor this hopeful feeling, grateful for the moment. I get ready to begin, again.

Hope is a feeling. Change is a verb.

One moment of many, and fairly insignificant. I’m at the midpoint on my morning walk, mind mostly empty, the flow of my thoughts kind of random. Definitely not any version of “productive”. Good grief, sometimes it’s hard to care about that, anyway. Too many details and too many demands on my time and attention… sometimes I just want to “pull back” from all of that and find a quiet corner somewhere alone. This walk will have to do, I guess. I’ve got the trail to myself. That’s something.

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

The morning is cool and mild, and the forecast suggests the temperature will be below 20C (68F). I happily decide to wear one of the sweaters my Traveling Partner has given me as a birthday gift. I feel wrapped in comfort and love.

“Baltimore Belle” blooming in the darkness.

I watered the lawn on my way out, which is my routine during the months when watering is needed now that the Anxious Adventurer has gone. With my walks and my work location both being very local and near home, this isn’t any sort of inconvenience. I enjoy the smell of petrichor as the water begins to soak into the soil. Noisy robins, also early risers, sing their noisy song at me, and I imagine that they are calling “you missed a spot” or “a little more over here, please!” or similar helpful instructions.

Overcast sky at dawn.

I get to the trail just after daybreak. There’s no one else here when I arrive. Pretty typical, it’s really early. I walk until I reach this spot, this moment. I don’t actually have much to say about it. I’m here. The moment is now. It’s pretty routine and ordinary and generally okay. Sprinkles of rain drops tap at some leaves, and a few land on my face. It doesn’t amount to rain. Like the scattered contents of my mind this morning, which reach me, but don’t amount to “thoughts”, really. They’re just snapshots and fragments. Scraps.

… Nice morning for meditation…

I breathe, exhale, and relax. I’m not complaining – there’s nothing to complain about, just now. I’m not really doing anything, just sitting here by the trail with my thoughts, just as they are. I feel as if I’m between moments, although this is moment enough on its own. I sigh to myself, “nothing to see here”, I think. I let my attention wander, as if seeking something from nothing.

I stretch and yawn, and begin again.

I’m often kind of blue on Memorial Day, and given that I’m a war veteran who has felt the loss of many who served with me, over the years, I guess that’s not a surprise. What does surprise me is that this year, I’m not feeling that at all. I slept in and after a sound and restful sleep, woke gently to a new day filled with promise and opportunity. And here I am.

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

I’m grateful for the holiday and the long weekend.

Memorial Day, 2026

Yesterday was odd. It began well enough, but after my walk the morning unraveled into frustrations built one upon another like a Jenga tower of aggravation waiting to tip over into rage or some ridiculously disproportionate tantrum. That didn’t happen, though, in part due to loving support from my Traveling Partner who recognized the role he inadvertently played in it, himself. His sweet concern and tender regret helped to resolve my agita before things really went sideways. He comforted me. Encouraged me to take care of myself, and was just generally the sweet caring partner I so adore. He makes minor emotional miracles (that are a major improvement) – and he makes cool fidget toys for me, too. (The newest of which I played with for hours quite happily.) 😁

After a hot shower, and a nap, I was fine. The day proceeded beautifully. My beloved picked up a project he could do in the living room and we hung out together watching a movie. My recollection of the day from the vantage point of this morning is all about the love and joy. It’s a nice change from a time when a morning like yesterday would have lead to days of struggling with my demons and trying – then failing – to manage my emotions, for many painful days (or finally choosing out of despair to drug myself into a stupor to stop the cycle of unmanageable heartbreak and fury). Years of tears are behind me. That’s okay. That too is a very human experience.

… It’s been a journey measured in years and practices…

The path behind me is what it is; in the past. The path ahead is mostly an unknown, and it will develop from the path I walk now. My choices and practices matter. (So do yours. However bad it has been, you can begin again right now and choose differently.)

I sigh quietly to myself on the edge of this literal path I’m sitting next to. Nice morning for a walk. My bones say it will rain…”soon”. The weather forecast agrees. Will it, though? Maybe. That’s the future. It changes constantly until it becomes the present, a real part of our lived experience. Until then it isn’t a given whether or not it may rain, or whether I’ll lose another friend to mortal frailty, or whether the local pharmacy will have my medication in stock, or whether a table will be available at a particular restaurant. It’s not worth getting spun up over some possible disappointment. Be present. Accept change and uncertainty, and practice non-attachment. These are extraordinarily secure stepping stones on a path through life that is fraught with obstacles and detours. I breathe, exhale, and relax. I’m not telling you what to do, I’m just sharing what has worked for me.

I sit with my thoughts awhile. My fingernails sparkle in the morning sun. I consider the day ahead. Vacuuming. Laundry. I think about dinner, later, and wonder whether tacos or chicken with corn on the cob sound better? My mind wanders contentedly through the ordinary. I’m okay with that. It’s Memorial Day – and I’m not crying. Instead, I feel a quiet respect and gratitude, and honor the fallen in my recollections. This year that’s enough – and I’m grateful for that, too.

I get to my feet and brush bits of grass from my jeans before I set off on the path back to the car. It’s a beautiful morning to begin again.

This morning I woke aching, feeling a bit twisted, and wondering what woke me early. It’s raining. Simply that, nothing more. I don’t mind some rain, and the garden will love it. I ran my fingers through my hair, as I stood at the bathroom sink, a little bleary eyed, a little tired.

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

I got to the trailhead a little before daybreak. The sky was already light enough to reveal stormy sky overhead, no colorful sunrise this morning. I sigh to myself and get out of the car. Just a sprinkle now, the rain won’t slow me down.

Sometimes it rains.

I walked with my thoughts. Uncomplicated solitary time on a Spring morning. I walk. It’s enough.

I think about the upcoming weekend. My beloved Traveling Partner has suggested, multiple times now, that I take a couple days – the upcoming weekend – and get away for a couple days and really rest. He sees the strain and lingering fatigue I’m dealing with. I think about it. It does sound good… Too early for camping yet (for me), I don’t sleep well enough in the cold and damp to enjoy the experience of tent camping in early Spring. A room on the coast? A cabin in the mountains? A yurt at the edge of the high desert? I sigh to myself; I don’t want to spend money on myself right now. I’m being ridiculous. I would benefit from a couple days alone. My beloved wouldn’t suggest it several times, if it weren’t clear I need a break from the world.

I get to my halfway point still thinking about where to go, maybe, this weekend.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. The rain has stopped. I meditate awhile. I do find meditation a helpful practice for building resilience, finding balance, and maintaining a calm and centered experience. Lately it isn’t enough “all the time” to bring balance and peace when the world is so chaotic and stress-inducing. It’s s little little walking uphill on an icy surface. The residual damage of early life and young adult trauma, and latent mental health issues, weigh on me heavily these days, and really test the progress I’ve made. I look at my hands, and recognize that using them to gauge “how I’m doing right now” is pretty useful. They are neat, manicured, and healthy, no torn cuticles; clearly I’m okay, for most values of okay.

The break in the rain becomes a mist, then a sprinkle. I gaze into the stormy sky above. More rain? Oh, yeah. The sprinkle starts to evolve into a proper bit of rain. I get to my feet and pull my fleece close around me for warmth, as I take cover under the oaks, and finish my writing. Rain will fall. That’s just real. What we do about it matters more.

I sigh to myself, regretting that I didn’t grab my rain poncho this morning. I wipe the drops off the screen of my phone, complete this sentence, and begin again.

I considered my pain as I dress. Maybe I wouldn’t walk this morning at all? Maybe just a coffee at Big Corp Chain cafe? I yawned through watering the lawn and garden before work. It’s less that doing so is necessary quite yet (although in hasn’t rained in a few days), it is more to do with setting the habit as part of my routine for the summer weeks to come.

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

I reached the usual trail at the usual time – so far it is an utterly ordinary typical morning. Friday. G’damn I hope I sleep in tomorrow. Without even thinking twice about it, I grab my cane, get out of the car, and step onto the trail.

I get to my halfway point – the usual spot – and take a seat. Nothing out of the ordinary. So far the morning is like most mornings, and begins gently, with a nice walk, meditation, and a few minutes of writing. It’s almost boring, it’s all so routine. I hear a siren in the distance. I’m in the countryside, away from densely populated urban areas, but here too people are people and very human. I sigh to myself. Getting this human thing right is so frustratingly difficult sometimes. Now and then, something goes wrong, and the result is felt in raised voices …or a siren.

Don’t misunderstand my observations on the utterly ordinary average morning I am having. I’m fortunate and grateful, not complaining. Ordinary beats the hell out of drama or bombs dropping! My beloved sends me a good morning greeting and then a song he’s been liking. I listen again, and I’m similarly moved each time I hear it. It’s not unusual for my beloved to share a song he likes. I’m fortunate to be so loved.

I sit and watch the sun rise. Seems fairly commonplace, as sunrises go. I’m okay with that; I’m here for it, and that’s enough.

I’m human. I’m a living animal of meat and bone and blood. I live a finite mortal life. I understand that desire for more, better, sooner – but over time, life keeps teaching me the lessons of sufficiency. I don’t need a shiny new car right now, the Mazda gets me around adequately well, reliably. I don’t need elegant reservations- only dining experiences every weekend (or at all), however amazing the experience might be. Home cooking is tasty, healthy, and enough to satisfy my appetite. Life is generally like that; enough is enough. Sufficiency is plenty for the day-to-day. Special experiences feel more deliciously memorable when they are special. It’s very human to aspire to more and better – but having it all isn’t necessary, and makes a rather silly goal. At least I think so.

I sigh to myself. My big deal daydream-level yearning right now? Enough energy for ordinary things. Enough reserves at the end of a work day to do more – to do things for myself. Anything. I keep putting myself last without that being my intention. I could do better. I’ll keep practicing. I keep thinking about next weekend. My Traveling Partner suggested I get away for a couple days… I wonder if it will be warm enough for camping, maybe?

I look at the clock. It’s a pretty ordinary time to begin again. So I do that. It’s part of an ordinary day.