Archives for posts with tag: walking my own path

Making a List

January 28, 2024 //

I’m sitting at the trailhead, waiting for the sun. I use the time to meditate, which doesn’t use all the time I have for waiting. I sit quietly awhile, reflecting on life, generally, and looking out over the seasonal lake on the other side of the highway observing the way the clouds and water reflect distant lights. I listen to the sounds of traffic, and my ceaseless tinnitus.

I take a moment to make a packing list for my upcoming weekend trip to the coast. I decided last night to take a paint box with me, and maybe spend some time painting seascapes and coastal landscapes. Should be fun and relaxing. My packing list completed, I update my to-do list for today, too. It’s not a lot, but the meal I plan to make for dinner has some specifics that will drag my ass into the kitchen for some tidying up, and I definitely need to finish doing the dishes so the kitchen will be ready for cooking a proper meal later. I’m making a Bolognese sauce and I plan to make enough to have some left to set aside for my Traveling Partner to enjoy while I am gone.

The day feels planned. Even the next few days seem pretty well laid out. Oh, for sure my lived experience will have some variations from anything I’ve put on a fucking list; the map is not the world. Still, I feel prepared, and that’s a feeling I like.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. This is a pleasant quiet moment, as I wait for the sun. The weather is unseasonably mild, and it’s not raining. I sit quietly, enjoying the moment for what it is before I begin again.

Tags a morning routine, be here now, begin again, breathe exhale relax, doing it for me, making a list, meditation, my results vary, perspective, practicing the practices, savoring the moment, self-care, sit happens, waiting for the sun, walking my own path

Categories art and the artist, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Practices, solo hiking, The Art of Being, winter

Winter Rain

January 27, 2024 //

It’s late January and it’s raining. That’s not unusual in this area, particularly over the past few years; ice storms are rare these days, and even weather cold enough for snow is uncommon. It rains. It’s been raining all week and the forecast suggests the rain will continue through the week ahead. I’m okay with it, I like the rain. I’m sitting at a trailhead waiting for a break in the rain to get a walk in on a Saturday morning.

Where I’m parked I have a view of the low lying fields on the other side of the highway. Each Winter when the rains come, these fields slowly transform over days into a broad shallow seasonal lake. The migrating birds love it. I enjoy it, too. It’s good for pictures of sunrises reflected by the smooth calm surface of water on a calm day. In the pre-dawn darkness, it reflects the street lights of the neighborhood beyond. Pretty.

I look over the errands I plan to take care of on my way home later this morning and think ahead to my weekend on the coast next weekend. I’m excited about it, but experience a twinge of anticipatory “missing my Traveling Partner”. I always do miss him when we’re apart from each other. I still need the time away, it’s very much a self-care thing for me. It can be pretty difficult to get the solitary time I need when I cohabitate with a partner or as a family. I’ve learned to make that time happen as a personal priority. I can become pretty stressed and hard to live with when I don’t.

Emotional and psychological wellness is worth the work involved in good self-care. It took too long to learn that. lol

I sit quietly awhile, letting my thoughts drift through my mind like clouds on a breezy day. I listen to the sound of traffic in the rain and wonder briefly why there seems to be so much of it so early on a winter Saturday. I don’t actually care about that and the thought dissipates almost as quickly as it was noticed.

… The rain has stopped. Now I wait for daybreak, hopeful and encouraged, eager to walk the trail that winds between the river and the marsh. Eager to begin again.

Tags basic self-care, be here now, cure for pain, enjoying the moment, meditation, my results vary, petrichor, ptsd, rain, savoring the moment, taking care of me, there are verbs involved, waiting for the sun, walking my own path, what does happy feel like?, winter weather

Categories breathe, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, inspiration, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, The Art of Being, turning 60, winter, Words

A Quiet Moment

January 20, 2024 //

It’s early and chilly. I’m at the trailhead waiting for the sun. Here and there are little piles of snow left behind by last weekend’s snow storm, but what I can make out of the trail in the pre-dawn gloom is clear. It’s a good day to get a walk in… because it looks like I can. lol I’m grateful.

I sit with my thoughts. Waiting. The days are slowly getting longer, again. Daybreak comes a few minutes earlier. The sun sets a few minutes later. For this too, I am grateful. I enjoy watching the seasons change. I enjoy welcoming the return of Spring, when it arrives.

I’ve made plans for a long weekend solo getaway a couple weeks from now. It’ll be good to have some downtime and “recharge my battery”. I don’t have ambitious plans or a list of exciting adventures to seek. I’m eager to rest, to read, maybe to write. I’m looking forward to walking other favorite trails and seeing things from another perspective. I’ve kept the planning quite simple, nothing more than a travel plan and a short packing list. I’ll pack the day I leave, and do a grocery run for my Traveling Partner before I go. I won’t be surprised if the first thing I do after checking into my room is… nap. lol Still, I am managing to be quite excited about it.

The sun seems slow to rise this morning. The sky is a stubborn deep gray, featureless and opaque. My bones hint at rain. I check the forecast and it agrees that rain is likely. If it’s not a drenching icy downpour, I’ll probably walk anyway; I’ve been missing this too much to give up on it over a drizzle.

A car pulls into the parking lot behind me. The gate is still closed. They’re not as patient as I am and they leave.

My Traveling Partner pings me a good morning. It feels like the day has begun properly, although I am still waiting for the sun.

A hint of a lighter shade of a bluer gray begins to develop on the horizon. It won’t be long now. I’m ready to begin again.

Tags be here now, choose your adventure, do the verbs, meditation, my results vary, practicing the practices, self-care, waiting for the sun, walking my own path

Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Practices, solo hiking, The Art of Being, winter

You Can Plan All You Want

November 19, 2023 //

Sometimes life throws a curve ball. Our path may take a detour we didn’t see coming. Sometimes unexpected circumstances are a big deal, with a lot of upheaval or moments of adversity and tears. Sometimes it’s just a rainy morning that makes an early walk less feasible (or at least less pleasant).

I woke early and tried to slip away without waking my Traveling Partner. It wasn’t raining when I left the house, but it clearly had been. By the time I got to the trailhead and parked the car, it was raining pretty steadily. I sat contentedly listening to the rain fall, spattering the car, meditating and watching the dawn become day.

I managed to get a half mile in, between rain showers, then another after warming up in the car. It’s somehow very satisfying and I find myself thinking “nice morning for it”, in spite of the rain and the autumn chill. What a lovely weekend.

I think of a distant and very dear friend who is ill, and wonder if I should make the drive down to see her again, very soon? I worry. She’s going through a rough time and has COVID on top of that. 😦

The sky continues to lighten. I watch the few soggy leaves still clinging to branches flutter in the breeze. Now and then a gust of wind rocks the car. I wait for another break in the rain and think about love.

… Nice morning for it…

Tags a lovely morning, be here now, begin again, breathe, change is, do what it takes, emotional self sufficiency, gratitude, let it rain, love matters most, mindfulness, sit happens, sufficiency, taking care of me, walk it off, walking my own path

Categories Allegories, autumn, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being

A Better Use of My Time

November 12, 2023 //

I woke early. It’s a Sunday. I had hoped to sleep in, but it’s not that day, not that experience.

I somehow managed to “psychically wake up” my Traveling Partner although I was sleeping in another room. (I honestly just don’t know how I woke him, but he turned up to tell me that I had done so within seconds of me sitting up to acknowledge a new day. “Psychically” covers it as well as anything else for now.) I dress and head out for a walk, hoping he can get some more rest. I choose a favorite trail that’s a bit of a drive to get to; it prolongs my time out of the house.

… It’s a lovely misty morning for a quiet marshside walk. I get back to the car too early to head straight home; if my partner is sleeping, I want to be sure he gets more than an hour of napping! Good time to jot down a few words.

My plan is to return home, make coffee, and spend the day creatively (and doing laundry, and tackling some outside chores that should not take long). I’m specifically so very hungry to be painting, and shit just keeps getting in the way. Some days it just feels like “everyone wants a piece of me” and there’s nothing left for me at the end of the day… Or week. Routine chores and practical shit that just has to get done uses up most of my time and attention, leaving me too tired physically to then also paint. Time taken in the studio often feels like time taken away from my partner. I could do better. I need to do better. Painting is, for me, both a form of communication and a form of self-care and I am failing myself on this pretty seriously.

I sit with my thoughts and half an eye on the clock.

What an emotionally difficult weekend this has been. I meant to spend most of it painting and loving my partner. I managed to fail on both of those intentions pretty notably. Tears well up when I acknowledge that for myself, but they don’t fall. I take a deep breath and exhale. Another chance to begin again. G’damn we said some pretty awful things to each other. That saddens me. I know I can do better.

So, it’s another day, another chance to be the woman I most want to be, another opportunity to choose my adventure and walk my own path. Adulting is hard, but I know what I want out of my day, even if I am not entirely sure which verbs are most likely to get that result.

… I can at least do my best…

It’s time to begin again. Again.

Tags are you practicing?, art and the artist, be here now, begin again, breathe, do better, do the thing, my results vary, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, TBI, walking my own path, what about me?, what matters most?

Categories anhedonia, Anxiety, Art, art and the artist, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, inspiration, meditation, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights

Making a List

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Winter Rain

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A Quiet Moment

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You Can Plan All You Want

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A Better Use of My Time

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