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I Keep Walking

January 31, 2026 //
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I get to my halfway point on this favorite trail before daybreak. Most of the walk thus far was in the gloom of nautical twilight, and it is a foggy misty morning on the marsh. There was a full moon visible when I started, but it was quickly swallowed by the clouds.

We don’t always walk a well lit path.

I walked with my headlamp on until the faint predawn light became enough to make out the path, then switched it off and let my eyes adjust. A dumb idea on an unfamiliar or poorly maintained trail, but this trail is very familiar, kept well, and free of debris or obstacles, generally. My steps crunched along in the dim light. The moon broke free from her cloud prison briefly and in the meadow I saw a herd of deer standing. They disappear into the fog as the moonlight is obscured by clouds again. I kept walking.

By the time I reach my halfway point, I’m wondering again if I may be coming down with another cold or something? I feel like I’ve worked hard to get so far. There is no opportunity to shorten my walk now – it’ll be the same whether I walk on, or turn back. I recall waking during the night, drenched in sweat, somehow still feeling cold, feeling chilled and woozy as I got up to pee. The covers were clammy as I wrapped myself in them again, never really waking up completely. I feel mostly okay, just sort of low energy with a little sinus congestion, which mostly passes as my morning allergy meds kick in. I sigh to myself, sitting on this fence rail at the edge of one of the marsh ponds, swinging my feet like a kid. A passing raccoon gives me a sideways glance, but doesn’t take any real interest, going her own way.

I sit quietly with my thoughts for some while before I pull off my gloves and begin to write. Just sitting here in the stillness before sunrise, I feel my “batteries recharging”.

I breathe, exhale, and relax and wonder what it might be like to feel recharged and energized through companionship and community. Life must feel very different for people who crave the company of others, even needing it profoundly to enjoy life at all. Although I do recognize the interconnectedness and social nature of human beings as creatures, my awareness of connectedness and dependency doesn’t seem to change my need for solitude. This is rarely a problem for me, these days; I have accepted who I am in this regard, and it does nothing to diminish my affection for those dear to me, nor reduce their importance to me. I just also have to take care to nurture myself, and make a point to get enough time alone. Without it my mental health quickly begins to suffer and I have more difficulty managing my PTSD, and my emotions.

I like walking as a metaphor for making a journey, or progress, or growth, or forward momentum in life. I like walking. Giving it some thought, I am aware that I’ve used “going for a walk” as a source of needed solitude for as much of my life as I can remember. It can be g’damned difficult to find solitude in a world of social creatures. I find a solitary walk exceptionally reliable for finding a moment or two utterly alone.

A new day dawns.

Daybreak comes. The fog on the marsh fills the low places. I stretch and sit awhile longer. Soon enough I will have to return to the world and begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, winter, women, Words

One of Twelve

January 30, 2026 //
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Well. January is almost behind us. One twelfth of the year, gone. By this point, many resolutions have failed, and a lot of people are losing (have lost?) the motivation to change that propelled their goal-setting. How about you? Are you still sticking to a plan, pursuing a goal, chasing a dream, or even slogging along at a practice that does not yet feel really settled and part of your day-to-day experience?

Me, I’d have to look back to see what I even thought about at that time when people are adopting some resolution for the new year. When I do, I find myself thinking about debt, and choosing change, the futility of most resolutions. I find myself recognizing that change is, and planning to make a reading list for the new year (which I didn’t get around to doing! LOL). Looking back on the month, I don’t feel any disappointment or regret – only a bit of astonishment at how busy it has seemed, and how quickly it passed.

…January already gone…

I sip my coffee, knock out the budget for another pay cycle. Exchange a few words with my Traveling Partner, who is already up for the day, himself. It is an ordinary Friday. Bills to pay. Grocery shopping to plan (and do). Prescriptions to pick up. Errands. Chores. Life. Ask me what I want to be doing today – I assure you it is not work. I’d so much rather put my feet up somewhere with mild temperatures and pleasant weather, a nice view of… something… and a well-made coffee, and simply be for awhile, at leisure, my time and my thoughts my own. No time pressure. No to-do list. No concerns. Just a sweet floral breeze, or the scent of the ocean blowing in from the shore, a cup of coffee and some solitude. I’d settle for a camp stove and an outdoor pour-over made from beans ground too long ago, surrounded by trees and playful chipmunks… or… here. Now. This moment isn’t that far off the mark. I’m sitting in a chain cafe, with my laptop open in front of me, enjoying my coffee with “an unseen friend” (that’s you). I smile to myself realizing how easily I could distance myself from contentment in this moment by yearning for some other rather similar moment that is not now. I chuckle to myself; a human being, being human. We can be pretty g’damned foolish.

So, I guess what I’m saying is – if that goal or resolution was really important to you, and you’ve already fallen to sloth or become distracted or lost focus…begin again. Just reset, and start over. Seriously. It’s your goal, you get to define success your way. You get to begin again, any time. Redefine the scope of your project. Change the timeline, change the milestones. Refine your approach. It’s yours to do your own way. You’re walking your path, not any other. Hell, maybe putting it down and reconsidering things completely is the correct next step for you? What is the end result you’re going for? How much work are you really willing to do?

…We become what we practice…

I sip my coffee listening to bad muzak, grateful that I’m not out in the darkness and the rain. (I do prefer to walk in daylight, sometimes circumstances present other opportunities. lol) Friday. The weekend is ahead. I haven’t made a lot of plans or anything – I’ve been making a point to get some rest each weekend, this year. It’s been worthwhile. I’ve made time to read – which I promised myself I would – and I’ve made time to play my favorite video game (I rarely play for long, and sometimes go many weeks without playing at all). I’ve spent more time in conversation with my Traveling Partner, and more time enjoying moments of solitude when the opportunity arose. I’m looking forward to camping weather returning, but seasons are what they are, and I don’t like camping in colder weather; sleeping on the ground aggravates my arthritis. S’ok, there are plenty of books to read and recipes to try while the weather is crappy.

It’s a good start to a rather ordinary day. I’m okay with that. I’m not seeking some spectacularly exciting life in which every day is a whirlwind of activity and drama. I’m happy when things are easy, and there’s very little friction or stress. I smile thinking about my elders, when I was growing up, and lazy summer afternoons relaxing with an iced tea or a cold beer on the screened in back porch, looking out over the hillside down to the creek, or gathering in the twilight to watch the fireflies come out. How is contentment not a goal for more people? Why are so many people working so hard to make their own experience more complicated, less easy? I don’t understand that, myself. I’m pretty nearly always looking for “easy”. lol

…I’m just saying, we can reach contentment through practice. Chasing happiness, on the other hand, is a losing race; that’s not how we find happiness. (I most often “find” happiness when it sneaks up on me through a moment of contentment.)

Don’t like where you’re sitting? Choose change. Make a choice, do the verbs. It’s your journey, you choose the route. On the other hand, if you are content where you are, comfortable with your life as it is, okay with your circumstances just as they are, then enjoy that without guilt or shame or awkwardness! Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to work harder to get to a goal you don’t personally value. No one has that kind of time to waste – our mortal lives are all too brief.

What a fucking year this is, already. I sigh to myself and let that go. I’m okay. No bombs dropping here, and I’m grateful. No masked ICE thugs in the parking lot here and I’m grateful for that too, although it is dismaying that I would even have to think about it. Work is work – and I’m grateful to have the job I do. Could be worse. Generally speaking, things are pretty good. I’m grateful for this moment of contentment, and this hot coffee, and the partner I will go home to later on, and the little house we share, and the modern conveniences we are fortunate to enjoy. It is enough.

I look at the clock. I’ll have time to get a walk around the muddy “fitness track” near the library after daybreak, before work. Convenient. That, too, is enough, and it’s time to begin again. 😀

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Categories 2024 Election, Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, inspiration, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, The Art of Being, War and News of War, winter, Words

Lost in a Moment

January 28, 2026 //
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I sat down at a table with my coffee. The muzak in the background is unintrusive. I open my text editor to write and let my thoughts go. At some point I notice I’m not writing. I am gently grooving to a track I don’t think I’d heard before. The bassline grabbed the important part of my attention without any concern for the rest of me, and there I was, immersed in a moment, lost in a bit of music. Sweet moment. The playlist moved on from Dope Lemon to A Tribe Called Quest. Yes, for sure, I can kick it, just like this, for a little while; there’s no reason to hurry through this moment.

Work is work. Life is life. Love is love. This path isn’t smoothly paved every step of the way, and it isn’t always clear where it leads. One woman, many choices. I’m fortunate to be where I am at this place in my life. Is life ideal? No. There isn’t much potential for any one of us to live an “ideal” life. Can you even define what you think that might be, aside from some fantastical daydreams about things you might like to acquire, or places you’d like to see, or experiences you’ve missed or want to have? We complicate our journey with wishful thinking and yearning for what we don’t have now. It’s a very human thing. Finding the perspective on our lives that allows us to embrace sufficiency, and practice contentment and non-attachment without regretful yearning is its own journey – we don’t all share that goal. I enjoy peace and contentment and quiet joy and feeling unbothered in my life. It’s hard enough to get there without adding the weight of greed and material lust and pointlessly competing with people of vastly greater means than I have myself. I’m not suggesting being resigned to having little (or nothing), I’m only saying it has improved my experience of living my life to embrace joy, practice contentment, and to appreciate the good in my life as it is – while I work toward better (without self-harm or some ridiculous grind that tears me down while it builds my bank account).

…This is the wrong blog to be reading if what you are looking for are practical tips for “getting rich quickly” or amassing great wealth. That’s not my area of interest, personally. What I want most for myself is to feel whole and well and generally joyful, and to be capable, approachable, and kind. I’m here looking for the best version of myself, and to help that woman live her best life with the opportunities and resources she has, now. Maybe I should have said so sooner…

(I did).

This morning, I’m sipping coffee, and enjoying the music. It’s enough.

The music changes. I don’t care for the music playing now. This moment reminds me that change is. We walk the path ahead of us, we choose the route, and we walk our own hard mile – we don’t design the scenery along the way, we just choose what to look at. Every path has obstacles and pitfalls. Change doesn’t change that. We’ve each got to do our own verbs – and we’re each having our own experience. I grin to myself, and pause to let the aphorisms that are piling up in my thoughts finish themselves and dissipate. There’s no reason to try to jot them all down right now, on this page, in this moment. There is time. Other moments. Sure, the clock is always ticking and energy, time, and money are all finite resources – but I can begin again, any time, now or later on. I breathe, exhale, and relax. Someone else probably really likes the song that is playing now. It’s not my thing, but it will pass, and there’s no reason to insist that it be changed. There is variety in life, and in spite of how much I prefer a “steady routine”, I’m also aware how much value there is in new experiences. I sip my coffee and let the music play. I even listen for a little while.

It’s a gentle rainy morning that barely feels like winter. I almost went walking, but it’s chilly enough that walking in the rain would quickly aggravate my osteoarthritis, and I’m in enough (manageable) pain now that I don’t really want to choose more. Work from home? My Traveling Partner suggested it (again), and I’m considering it. It’s early; there is time to make that decision, and no reason to rush. Circumstances can change quickly. What seems like a great idea in one moment, feels like a serious misstep in some other. Funny human primates with all their drama and dumb rules. I chuckle to myself; we work so hard to be unhappy sometimes – and we could choose differently.

Choose wisely. The menu is vast.

I sigh to myself, and sink into this pleasant moment. I allow myself to really enjoy the awareness of how pleasant this moment is. Comfortable. Quiet. Uncomplicated. Unbothered. Low stress. No drama. Like a compacted dirt path on a pleasant afternoon; easy. This too will pass. No kidding. Impermanence means moments are moments; they come and go. Life is not a static image, carefully staged to be just so, and remain thus. Life is lived, changing, variable, and filled with seeking, and being, and doing. Sometimes it feels “too busy” and too chaotic and just… much. This is not that. It’s a very pleasant moment that feels undefined and eternal – and that too is entirely subjective and impermanent. Just an experience. A moment. A perspective. It just happens to be so very pleasant that I find it remarkable. (Here I am remarking on it.)

There’s a busy day ahead. I sip my coffee and think about that, too. It is already time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, inspiration, joy, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, The Art of Being, winter, Words

First and Second

January 26, 2026 //
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I slept poorly. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. I slept well and deeply until sometime after 02:00. My Traveling Partner was awake, in the other room, coughing. The coughing woke me. I went back to sleep, but from that point my sleep was shallow and interrupted, and I didn’t get much rest. I’m not even bitching, I’m just mentioning it as I sip my morning coffee and try to sort my thoughts into some kind of coherent bit of consciousness. I’m not “groggy”, exactly, just…disconnected and stupid. I’m feeling cross and out of sorts, and the morning is off to a somewhat poor start, but only because of the state of being in which I find myself. In the most practical ways, it is an ordinary Monday morning.

The font and type size look weird to me in the visual editor this morning, and I fuss with trying to figure out if they are actually different somehow, or if I “never noticed before”. There seems to be a lot of that kind of misleading bullshit going on these days; changes being made without notice to users on all sorts of apps and platforms. Updates pushing new integrated AI in a coercive involuntary way. Updates that impair user freedom and control over purchased hardware and software. Other similar shenanigans seeking to harvest just a bit more data (or money) from users. Having the cognitive quirks that I do, I definitely do notice. I dislike that I find myself trying to talk myself out of seeing what I think I’m seeing. That irritates me. I let it go altogether, because in this instance it does not matter at all that the font looks like a different one, and the type size appears smaller and more compact.

I sigh to myself. I’m vexed by pain this morning, on top of fatigue (they are ultimate related; I am less able to manage my pain when I am fatigued, and likely to feel it more intensely). I sit more upright, hoping that good posture will give me some relief.

…G’damn I’m in a shitty mood this morning…

I have The Clash “Know Your Rights” stuck in my head. In spite of making committed efforts to stay away from “the news”, I can’t help knowing that the masked government thugs besieging Minnesota have murdered another citizen, an American, a patriot, a legal-to-carry gun owner with his “paperwork in order”. His apparent crime? Well, apparently that’s not a requirement anymore, at all. The assault on our rights grows, and if it weren’t so incredibly terrifying (and depressing) I might find some measure of humor in the fact that this shit is coming from a Republican administration. It’s not about Republican and Democrat, it never has been, it is about power and greed on both sides of the aisle. Sometimes the scales tip briefly in favor of “the people”. Don’t expect it to last when it happens.

…Oh, yeah, really dreadful mood…

I cue up my playlist for trying times. I add a couple more tracks to it. I definitely don’t want to listen to pop songs or muzak this morning. My heart aches for fallen heroes, and those among us willing to speak truth to power – and pay the price. Dark days, America. Get your shit together before you lose everything.

My phone rings. Unexpected at 05:30. I answer it reflexively; I have been caregiving for a couple of years, and any time I step away from the house, I feel uneasy and alert for some need that may arise that requires me to hasten home. The voice is familiar, but I don’t place it immediately. An old friend from my years on active duty, calling to let me know he’s reached a breaking point, himself, an just… can’t. My heart pounds. (G’damn, surely he’s not calling me to tell me he’s going to end his life? I don’t think I could bear it.) No, it’s not that bad, but it’s a big enough deal that he wanted to tell someone, and somehow that someone is me. He’s moving to New Zealand. “As far as I could go away from here, before someone burns it all down,” he says. He asks me if I think he’s overreacting? I don’t think he’s overreacting at all. I might do something similar if my circumstances permitted it, and just yesterday my Traveling Partner and I were talking about maybe selling our lovely cozy home and going…somewhere else. Quieter? Fewer neighbors? More space? All of that, and a few other things besides. Maybe we will… I find myself wondering how many citizens have emigrated out of the United States since the first Trump presidency, and whether that has accelerated since he was re-elected?

My work trip to San Francisco unraveled, doesn’t much matter why, and I’m not alone in it. The winter storms have thrown transportation into chaos. Can we agree that a late January travel date for a work event was predictably short-sighted? lol

I’m realizing it is likely to be the sort of day on which I am prone to discontent and finding fault. That’s not going to be a particularly pleasant experience. I sigh to myself and ask the question “are you going to stew in it, or are you going to make a change?” It’s an important question and wants an answer. I feel myself set my jaw, full of resistance and irritation, like a kid asked to clean their room on a beautiful day. I don’t want to have to be bothered with being accountable for where I am with my experience, right now. I’d rather be peeved and pick at my grievances as if they are wounds. Ridiculous. Now I am both the woman in a bad mood, and the woman irritated by a woman choosing to be in a bad mood. lol Layers of irritability. It’s pretty silly, but acknowledging that isn’t getting me off the hook for the work involved in changing it – or the choices or practices required to do so. My black mood feels justifiable and vindicated…but it’s honestly just a bad mood. I’m in pain and I didn’t sleep well. It doesn’t need to be anything more than that.

Another sigh. Another sip of coffee. I ask myself where would I be and what might I be doing if I had the means to go anywhere at all and do anything I cared to do? Moments fill my recollection; morning coffee on the shore, or near a beach, or out among the trees in some silent ancient forest, or a quiet cafe in the 1st arrondissement in Paris… I like to enjoy my coffee with a bit of a view and some solitude in the morning. In that sense, generally speaking, I’m pretty much already doing that thing, eh? I sip my coffee grateful for the moment of perspective, even feeling a tiny bit less cross. I guess that’s progress.

When what we’re doing doesn’t work, doing something different just might. I think about that, and enjoy my coffee before the work day. Soon enough, I’ll begin again. It’s not world-changing stuff, but if I can improve this experience in some small way, that’s still an improvement.

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Categories 2024 Election, Allegories, anger, breathe, Despair, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, War and News of War, winter, Words

Taking It As It Comes

January 25, 2026 //
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I woke earlier than I had hoped. It is a colder morning than forecast. My Traveling Partner is awake, coughing in the living room. I blow him a kiss as I leave the house, realizing moments later I could have actually kissed him. He sends me his love in the form of cute “stickers” in a message as I pull out of the coffee stand with a hot cup of coffee, ready to head up the highway. I reply with a couple cute stickers back, and find myself hopeful that he may be able to get a little more sleep.

Daybreak on the horizon.

It’s 22°F (-5.5°C)  as daybreak touches the horizon. Cold. Properly wintry. I sit in the warm car, with my coffee and my thoughts, waiting for the sun. I feel fairly certain the sunrise will bring the temperature up. It’ll still be a cold walk, and I’m already looking forward to a warming luxurious hot shower after I return home, but it’ll be better than walking in the dark on such an icy morning.

I saw a shooting star as I drove up the highway this morning. Yes, I made a wish on it. No, I don’t think making wishes on stars is actually something that works. lol What did I wish for? You’d laugh if I told you.

…What a weird scary world we’ve created…

I sigh to myself and turn my gaze back to the western horizon, now a streak of dirty orange with some blue-ish sky above it. The outline of Mt Hood becomes visible. The oaks that dot the meadow begin to take shape. There is comfort in real things in this real lived moment. I take refuge from my anxiety in this gentle “now”. Nothing much going on right here; a woman in a car at a trailhead, watching the sun rise. Pretty peaceful calm stuff. I have high hopes for a pleasant day ahead.

My head aches ferociously this morning. I take some medication and hope for relief. The cold hasn’t yet had its opportunity to seep into my bones, and my arthritis is not yet vexing me. That’s something, anyway. It’s enough and I’m grateful. My pain may be less manageable by the end of the day, but for now, I’m feeling pretty fortunate. Other than the cold, it’s a lovely morning to walk the trail here.

…I think about maybe getting my nails done before I head to San Francisco this week for work. It’s a definite maybe. 😂 I mean, I’d like to, but I’m reluctant to spend the money. It seems pretty frivolous… Choices.

Dawn comes.

The gate into the main parking area opens with a screech. I move the car closer to the access point for the year-round trail. I add my scarf, hat, and oversized fleece to my layers and put my gloves and cane handily within reach. I won’t want to stop long this morning, so I finish this now, before I set off down the trail. The colorful sunrise is a beautiful backdrop to the oaks.

I take my time enjoying the sunrise.

As the first light of day begins to touch the treetops, the frosted meadow grass sparkles. The hint of white suggests snow from a distance, but there’s been none of that. I’m selfishly grateful, but dismayed when I also think about summer ahead, crops, and the possibility of wild fires. Being good stewards of this one planet that is our home has not been easy for human primates; we tend towards self-serving greed and shortsightedness. We could do better.

Daylight. Across the highway I can see the lowland farm fields that in previous years have reliably become a shallow seasonal lake favored by migrating birds each winter. This morning it is a grassy field, mown short, covered in frost. G’damn I hope the planet recovers from the damage we have done (with or without us). I’d like to be around to see that.

Walking my own mile. Where does this path lead?

I sigh to myself, and begin again.

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Categories 2024 Election, Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, inspiration, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5, War and News of War, winter, Words
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