It’s a lovely morning on the trail. The sun is up, shining golden and filling the tree tops with light. The air is cool and hints at fall ahead. Summer scents of mown meadows and blooming flowers fill the still air. The distant hills are hazy; it’s wildfire season. I pause to sit and meditate as the morning becomes a new day. It is a lovely practice.
Sunlight and oak trees
“Nothing to see here.” I have the trail to myself, this morning. I enjoy that as the pleasant luxury that it is. I don’t own this land. I don’t have any claim on this place at this time. It is a public trail available for anyone who chooses to use it. It’s nice to have it to myself, and quite rare this time of year.
There’s a work day ahead, but it’s not yet time for that. This is time for me. Pleasant solitary minutes for walking and reflecting, for thinking and for meditating, and for snapping the occasional photograph of sunlight in the trees, or wildflowers, small birds, or the rising sun.
The sunrise, as I arrived.
I watch small yellow birds land on weedy stems alongside the path. They chirp together, nibbling at the seeds drying there after the flowers have faded and fallen.
A small yellow bird holds still for a picture.
Lovely moment. Lovely morning. I’ll work from home today, a nice break from commuting to the office. I am grateful to have the choice. I sit watching the little birds flutter among the weeds. There are several now. They ignore me and go about the business of the day.
…Each moment is so precious…
What are you cultivating? What are you working towards as a human being? Are you the person you most want to be? What steps are you taking to get there? What practices are you practicing? We become what we practice, so those choices really matter. Choose wisely.
I breathe, exhale, and relax. The morning chill contrasts with the warmth of the sunshine on my bare arms. I sigh contentedly. It’s a great beginning to a new day, for me, here, now. Your results may vary. You’re having your own experience – make the choices that will make it a good one, if you can. It’s worth making that effort.
… The journey is the destination…
I get to my feet to head back. It’s already time to begin again.
In much the same way as “the clothes make the man”, the sunrise makes the day. To be most brief; it doesn’t. At all.
I say this after driving to the trailhead this morning watching a sunrise so colorful and splendid that it obscured all possible awareness of what tends to make such beautiful displays as dawn becomes day (which is typically some sort of terrible pollution in the air, or wildfires, rarely anything good).
I tried to snap a picture of this morning’s unbelievably beautiful sunrise. The sort of bold magentas and subtle lavenders that I feel inspired to paint. They seem unreal even in a photograph. The magenta and lavender hues gave way to bolder oranges, and tangerine and gold, and a vaguely bilious yellow green strip along the horizon as the sun began to rise above the hilltops. In between the streaked clouds, a delicate cerulean blue peaked through. No photograph could capture this tremendous display of beauty and color. I did try. lol
You had to be there.
By the time I reached the trailhead, the sunrise was over. The morning is quite cloudy and hints at rain. The ferocious heat has abated somewhat, and it is cooler than it has been, pleasantly so. The morning is quiet, but here in this place, I do hear the traffic on the adjacent highway as I lace up my boots. I listen to little birds chirping and carrying on, and I wonder what they are so excited about first thing?
Yesterday was interesting. Most of it was quite lovely, and spent in the good company of my beloved Traveling Partner. There were some moments that I will reflect on fondly for some time to come and I feel very loved. There were also a couple of moments that I could have done without, and I feel my expression change when I recall them. Humans being human. The moments don’t define the day.
I set off down the trail. I hear distant voices. I see hot air balloons in the sky, visible but quite far away. I walk the marsh trail, more meadow than marsh this time of year. I walk along the river. Somewhere nearby a duck quacks. A chipmunk darts across the path, as it turns and winds through the oak groves.
The map is not the world.
The journey is the destination, and the map is not the world. Our plan is not our experience. What we choose to wear, the words we say, the things we have or yearn for, these are not the essence of who we are. It’s closer to the truth to say that we are the path we walk, the choices we make, and the accumulated outcomes of those choices. We are the lived expression of our values – our real values, not the ones we say are dear to us, nor some trendy popular sound bite. A flag sticker on a vehicle doesn’t make the driver a patriot, nor does a catchy slogan make a responsible citizen (or a good leader). We tell the world (and those dearest to us) who we are through our actions, everything else is more like something we’re wearing, I think. Still chosen. We are, more than anything, the sum of our choices.
… Choose wisely…
I smile thinking about precious lived moments of love with my Traveling Partner. We’re unquestionably human, both of us, but g’damn do I ever love this particular human being with all my heart. I easily forgive and overlook little hurtful moments because they are few and only moments. No one moment defines the profound enduring love we share. He “gets me”. We know each well and deeply. Our lives have become so entwined over time I can’t imagine what life would be like without him. My smile deepens, recalling the unexpected gift he gave me yesterday, a small figure of a favorite anime character. Doesn’t matter why this character is among my favorites, but it certainly says something about me to see them there on my desk together: Wonder Woman, Major Kusanagi, Professor Chaos, and now Kento Nanami joins them. Aspirational role models? Avatars? Totems? I don’t know… little godlings perhaps, standing as light posts on a quiet street on a dark night. They represent qualities I seek and embrace within myself, or acknowledge and work to overcome. Definitely a bit of both; our heroes are as flawed as we are ourselves.
Who are your heroes? Why them?
I sit at my halfway point thinking and writing. Realizing that I don’t actually know who my partner’s heroes are. Not explicitly. I don’t think I’ve ever asked, though we share more of our inner lives with each other than most people likely do. Interesting. What an odd thing. I could guess, but guessing is a pretty poor way to gather information. I think I’ll ask sometime.
I sit awhile thinking about this man I love and who loves me so dearly in return. We’ve traveled some miles together. I hope we share many more. He has become part of me. This love we share is one of the best parts of who I have become over time.
If the sunrise doesn’t make the day, what does? No one moment is the entirety of a day unless we allow it to become so. A day is not the entire lifetime, any more than a step is the whole journey. We have so many opportunities to begin again if things go sideways or we step off the path.
What does “make the man”? For me? His values. His lived values. It’s not necessary for someone to tell you what they value with their words, their actions tell you all you need to know. What are you telling the world about who you are and what you value, with your actions? Are you satisfied with the picture your actions paint? If not, you have choices, and you can begin again.
I sigh and glance at the time. There’s this trail, and the day, ahead of me and the clock is ticking. I smile and stretch and get to my feet.
The Willamette River flows past quietly. The air smells of summer flowers and grassy breezes. I hear a variety of birds singing and calling from unseen locations in the trees along the bank. A woodpecker taps out a story of summer mornings and a squirrel nearby chirps her annoyance; I am too close, though I don’t see her.
Here comes the sun, new day, new perspective.
This morning my walk is along a trail I have not walked before. I found it earlier in the Spring, when the trees were bare, and the ground was muddy. Pretty spot, I thought then, meaning to return. It’s taken me awhile, but I am here and the moment does not disappoint.
A bunny on the trail ahead, an obstacle, an observation, or a fellow traveler; it depends on one’s point of view.
There are big thickets of thimbleberries out here. Lots of familiar wildflowers (they would be weeds if they were to turn up in my garden). Perspective.
The trail winds through the trees along the river, and around a planted meadow of clover, covered in purple flowers. In the center of the meadow there are several bee hives. Seeing that reminds me I’m allergic to bees (an allergy I acquired as an adult in my 30s, working in construction in California’s Central Valley). I double back, and grab my bee sting kit from my backpack, in the car, and begin again.
A trail walk on a summer morning.
The sun rises while I walk. I catch golden glimpses as I pass through the trees. The trail does a sort of figure eight, looping around and crossing over at the trailhead. One side is a short loop not quite a mile through the trees. The other side is also short, longer, a little less than two miles if I walk the little side loops, too. All of it quite pretty. I don’t hear any traffic at all. No agricultural noise either, though I’m surrounded by farmland, here. It’s Saturday and still quite early. A man walking two very excited well cared for Irish Setters overtakes me and passes by with a friendly greeting and assurances that his dogs are friendly. I walk on, until I find a convenient rock to sit on for awhile, watching the river flow past and listening to the buzz of insects.
Reflections and a quiet moment.
I don’t need more out of this moment than it offers. I’ll definitely be back – maybe tomorrow? Maybe some other day.
I expected this place might be quite crowded, when I was here in springtime, but I was misunderstanding the paved bit down to the river as a boat ramp, it isn’t at all, that was just how high the water level was at the time. No boat ramp here, just a steep drop off at the end of the sloping trail, and an even steeper eroded “trail” of a sort, for those bold enough to attempt it, leading down to a small sliver of sandy “beach” at the waters edge. I don’t go that far; I’m not confident I could get back up to the trail from there.
… I find it helpful to know my limits. I sometimes find it challenging to distinguish between legitimate limits and those self-imposed by fear or doubt…
Clouds gather overhead, obscuring the blue summer sky, and I feel a chill bit of air coming up from the river. I sigh and stretch and smile. Lovely trail. Lovely morning. Moments are temporary, no point getting attached to this one, and anyway, there’s further to go. Feels like time to begin again.
I’m sipping my coffee and self-soothing an unexpected surge in anxiety through grounding myself in this moment, right here, now. I’m not sure why I woke feeling so anxious – most likely it was to do with waking up half an hour later than my planned wake-up, groggy, blurry-eyed, and feeling like every detail of the day was somehow thrown off over a small matter of timing. (It isn’t actually thrown off at all, in any practical sense.) I watered the lawn, headed to the office, and began the day in quite the usual way, without any stress, other than this unpleasant and unnecessary surge in my anxiety. I breathe, exhale, and relax, and working on letting that go. “Nothing to see here.”
Yesterday was a nice break from having a “crowded house” (for some values of “crowded” lol). My Traveling Partner and I enjoyed leisure moments talking about what we want to accomplish. It feels nice to connect more deeply, and to talk about what matters most to us, together. I admitted that I miss my wee library and my studio. We talked about the lack of opportunity for intimacy and individual solitude. It wasn’t a difficult or contentious conversation, just one that felt a bit overdue perhaps, and we welcomed the discussion (or so it appeared to me). We talked next steps and planning. We hung out together in comfortable intimacy, long-time friends, cherished lovers, partners.
“Baby Love” blooming in the heat, a memento of love.
I think ahead to my planned camping trip the first week of August. I’ll head out to the Clackamas River and camp solo, taking some “me time” to “get my head right”, hiking and meditating, writing, taking pictures, and maybe painting. I need this time for myself, most especially lacking any opportunity to be at home alone, like, ever. I feel a certain bit of irritation every time I realize, again, that the Anxious Adventurer has been alone in my home more hours (days) than I have myself – and I’ve been there five years to his one year. Circumstances have a lot to do with it, and I’m not begrudging anyone their alone time, just wishing I had a bit more, myself, without having to take off for the coast or the forest. I sigh to myself; resentment is an obstacle on the path. I exhale and let that go. I’m very much looking forward to my camping trip, and I’ll gear up for a bit of glamping, taking the solar generator, the camp fridge, and the cot (and extra padding for real comfort).
…It’s more about the solitude and opportunity for self-reflection than anything else…
I find myself thinking about the challenges the Anxious Adventurer found himself having with gear he wasn’t familiar with (the generator, solar panels, and fridge, which he took with him camping this week), and wonder if he understands the role his own resistance to learning plays in his experience day-to-day? I had listened as my Traveling Partner attempted, more than once, to explain how to connect the equipment, what to expect, how to use it skillfully, and some basic best practices for getting the most out of the gear – and I had watched as the Anxious Adventurer persistently got in his own way, reluctant to listen, distracted, and taking a foolhardy (and in other circumstances quite dangerous) “performative” approach to demonstrating mastery instead of being vulnerable and open to new information. I mean, I get it; that was once me. (Sometimes still is; changing myself takes practice.) Vulnerability didn’t feel “safe” for much of my early adult life.
It was my Traveling Partner who pointed out how my need to demonstrate “mastery” (even of things I didn’t actually have much knowledge of) amounted to self-sabotage, and helped me get past this thing that (for me) amounted to a critical character flaw. A book called “Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals” by Heidi Grant Halvorson was important for helping me really understand what he was communicating, more deeply. (I’m fortunate that I am able to learn quite a lot from reading, and that I am open to new knowledge and willing to practice things I want to become skilled at.) I’m grateful for the part my partner has played in being where I am these days. His willingness to be honest with me, to encourage me, to hear me out and offer guidance based on his own experiences has been incredibly useful – and profoundly loving. I dislike criticism (who doesn’t?), and it can be hard to hear things that sound critical, however well intended, but it is so important to be open to new perspectives, and willing to “see the world through other eyes”. I’m grateful for the shared journey. It is a reciprocal experience; he has learned from me along the way, too.
Where this really started, back in 2010, and a moment of gratitude for the love of the man who shared it with me, then, and remains with me, still.
We each have to make our journey ourselves, as it happens. No friendly guidance can take the steps on the path for us. We’re walking our own path more or less alone, and our choices and actions are our own. Are you getting in your own way? You don’t have to. You’re making choices.
It’s a journey with a lot of stairs to climb…
I’m not saying any of this from the perspective of some perfect higher truth or from the perspective of knowing or certainty. I’m a flawed human being, and I’m looking ahead to a future I can’t see. I make mistakes. I’m just one human being, willing to share what I’m learning – while I’m still practicing and still seeking to become the person I most want to be. I’m not telling you what to do, how to live, or being critical of your choices – those are your own, along with any consequences, and I wish you well. Sincerely. It’s already hard enough to succeed and thrive in this limited mortal lifetime without having to dig out from the piled on cruelty and criticism of the world strangers on the internet – I do want to share some few little things I learn as I travel my path. Maybe you find them helpful, maybe not.
We become what we practice. It’ll be much easier to practice being the person you most want to be, if you have some sense of who that is.
What do you value? What is your idea of “good character”? Where does your path lead? What are you practicing – and will it get you where you hope to go? These things are all connected, and they are important questions to ask, and to try to answer (even though the answers may change over time). I sip my coffee and think my thoughts, enjoying this moment of self-reflection before I begin this new day in earnest. This few minutes of contemplation has put my anxiety to rest, and my sense of timing is back on track. The sun is up. It’s time to begin again.
I get so much peace and clarity out on the trail. Any trail, really, whether new or familiar, it’s more about the walking, the seeing, and the thinking. Moments spent on self-reflection and contemplation are precious and often useful for finding (or creating) depth and breadth in my perspective.
… I keep walking…
A clear blue summer sky.
The tangerine sunrise gave the morning a lovely golden color, and as I drove to the trailhead I watched it develop, stretching over the horizon. The sun took me by surprise, briefly blinding me, seeming to pop up from behind distant hills without warning, a fiery orange. I arrived at the nature park, surprised by the dense mist clinging in the low places; it didn’t seem to have gotten cool enough for that, but there it was.
I walked with my thoughts until I reached a pleasant spot to linger, watching the Tualatin River flowing by. I don’t generally stop at this viewpoint, it’s often “crowded” (for some values of crowded, it’s a popular spot). I’ve got it to myself this morning, and I’m grateful for the shaded little bench. Comfortable. Protected from the heat of the day that hasn’t yet arrived. I remind myself not to linger too long – I plan to make banana bread before it gets too hot to have the oven on.
The world is a mess right now. People with power or vast sums of money are pretty commonly quite terrible and working aggressively to increase their power, clout, standing, or hoarded wealth as quickly as they can pry resources away from people who already have too little. Grim. America keeping immigrants and refugees in cages. Israel planning concentration camps for Palestinians who have (so far) survived genocide. Russia willing to slaughter every Ukrainian to the last standing in order to expand their real estate holdings. Chaos and bloodshed everywhere, and every single time there is some profit making endeavor involved. It’s grotesque. We could do so much better as human beings.
… I think about small ways I can do better, myself, to be the person I most want to be…
Who are you? Where does your path lead? Are you living a life that requires a ton of excuse making and rationalization? Are you defiant when someone knows more than you do? Are you smug when they know less? Are you kind, pleasant, and approachable? Are you building bridges or destroying them? Are you even paying enough attention in your own life to know who you are and why? These are questions worth answering – or at least asking and giving some thought to. You tell the world what your values are with your actions, wouldn’t it be wise to have some understanding of what you may be saying?
Are you being an unpleasant dick because you can’t be bothered to take a moment for human decency and basic consideration? (You’re not alone, if you are, but it’s a choice with consequences, and also likely to degrade the quality of your relationships.)
What are you doing to become the person you most want to be? Who is that? Have you figured that out?
The future is unwritten.
The sunshine of a new day stretches across the meadow. I look down the path ahead of me and consider the steps along this path. The journey won’t make itself. I have choices. My results will vary – but it’s my journey, my path, and my choices. Every step and every moment is a chance to begin again and to do better. I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s time to walk on. Time to begin again. I smile to myself and tell the woman in the mirror to go take a hike. The clock is ticking.
Evening Light 