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Introspection, Self-reflection, Rumination

October 24, 2024 //
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I’m sitting with my thoughts, quietly (aside from the ringing in my ears). It is a foggy autumn morning, and a heavy mist clings moodily to the low places and along the creeks and rivers. The morning is a cold one, the coldest so far this season. I am mildly annoyed with myself; I am not dressed for the weather. I laid out my clothes last night based on assumptions of milder temperatures without checking the weather forecast, which was foolish.

… Reality does not care what we believe…

I’m sort of “all up in my head” this morning. By itself, absent any context, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and I am fortunate to enjoy my own company. In this quiet early morning time, I often find myself in this mental place, blending introspection and self reflection.

Words, defined.

I sit considering those definitions for some minutes. I’m not sure I agree 100% with attempting to sort them out as “internal” vs “external”. They’re both processes of the mind, which seems to me makes them both very much internal processes. Meaning matters. I wonder for a little while whether it’s worth making the attempt to define them more clearly, before realizing it’s a distraction from my actual thoughts.

Rumination is very different from either introspection or self-reflection, and it’s a difference that matters quite a lot. Rumination is getting mired in negative thinking and negative self-talk. It’s a problem to be avoided as much as possible. Rumination is a poor practice.

Having sorted all that out rather pointlessly, I let my thoughts move on. I’m mostly sitting here on this rock at my halfway point thinking about what a long and sometimes tedious journey it’s been to get to this place, over time. The ongoing fight to build, achieve, and sustain good mental health has been (often still is)…hard. I’m not sure I’d call my results wholly successful, some days.

My Traveling Partner pings me. He’s concerned about a birthday gift I purchased for him potentially having been a poor choice of vendor. He shares the reviews. I see his point and agree to cancel the order in favor of a more reputable vendor. My thoughts are completely scattered now, like autumn leaves. I’m frustrated by that. I’m frustrated by the recurring feeling that I don’t get “first dibs” on my own consciousness – or so it often seems. I sigh and save my writing for another time, and finish my walk in the predawn autumn darkness.

… I can begin again, later…

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Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, meditation, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being

Reflections

October 22, 2024 //
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I’ve always liked my appearance seen as a reflection in a window. I don’t know why this is, somehow it just seems to be “the best view” of myself, a little diluted, a little less specific somehow, softened a bit… less “real”. I almost always find myself quite beautiful as a reflection in a window. I don’t see myself quite that way in a mirror, or a photograph. Peculiar. Today is no different. I see my reflection and marvel at that woman, there, seen as if through the trees beyond the window, somehow younger than my years, and no hint of the tears in my eyes, or on my face.

…Crying in my office, again? What is this, the 00s??

Things seem harder than necessary lately. By “lately”, I mean most of the last year, honestly. It comes and goes. It’s been the worst since late February, since my Dear Friend died. Yeah, okay, so – grieving is hard. We don’t control how that goes, it just goes. I’m learning more about actual loneliness than I ever imagined I could. I wasn’t particularly prone to feelings of loneliness, before. I’m so very very prone to them now. With my Traveling Partner having the challenges he is, and the one woman I’d have felt free to discuss it with, without reservations, simply… gone… I feel so incredibly alone, now. I chastise myself for a moment; I could have done a better job of maintaining other cherished friendships and preserving more closeness with more dear friends than I have. I enjoy my solitude, and I’ve taken too much for granted. I still enjoy my solitude…but when I need someone, I’m often going to find myself going it alone nonetheless. Often. I’m not bitching – it’s not a bad life, and things could be so much worse. I’m just feeling my years, and feeling lonely as I face inevitable mortality, seeing some vague younger version of me reflected in a window, and wondering what the point of any of this actually is… yeesh. Grim. I ache with it. And also just with pain, physical pain. Fucking hell that just blows. Fuck pain.

…Oh, right… I maxed out all my pain management medication yesterday and here I am today, managing on less, and not hurting quite so much, but… now my mind is altered, and I’m feeling very blue, partly because I did so much yesterday to attempt to manage yesterday’s pain, and I’m paying the price emotionally, now. So… am I actually feeling “lonely”, or is this just “the down” from opiate pain management? Fuck. This shit is complicated. I simultaneously want very much to simply be entirely alone with this crap, and also very much miss someone to talk to about it – and about life, and how difficult some of this very human crap very much is. Too real. Fuck pain. Fuck drama. Fuck this particular moment, right here.

I put my head down on my desk and cry for awhile. This too will pass. Feelings are feelings, only that. Emotional weather. Small frustrations pile on top of other small frustrations and assorted inconveniences; it feels like a big pile. Heavy. Tears flow after other tears. Moments follow other moments. The clock is ticking. Eventually tears dry. Eventually, I can begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anhedonia, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Despair, forgiveness, Frustration, grief, health, loneliness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships

In the Fog

October 20, 2024 //
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No point taking any pictures this morning, not yet anyway. It’s a foggy, chilly autumn morning, before daybreak. Everything seems supernaturally quiet and still. The air seems motionless. There’s no traffic on the nearby highway. On my way out, this morning, my Traveling Partner wishes me well, commenting that “it looks shitty out there,” and reminding me to “be careful”. He loves me and wants me to return home. It’s nice to feel his love follow me on the journey.

I hit the trail with my headlamp on, creating a spooky effect in the darkness. I’m glad I have my cane and regret, at least a little bit, not waiting for the sun. I just really wanted to walk. The moon peeks at me high overhead, through the fog. The trail crunches under my footsteps, gravel and leaves. I hear something in the brush, alongside the trail as it passes by the river. Probably racoons or a possum, but I can’t really see anything but the fog. This is a suitably spooky walk for an October morning, I think to myself and involuntarily quicken my pace. I have the trail to myself. Me, and everything else that lives in the meadow, or on the marsh between the creek and the river. lol

I get to a favorite halfway spot and stop. It’s chilly. There’s a bench here and a view out over the marshy meadow. With the moonlight I would be able to see across to the highway on a different day, but this morning there’s only fog. I write a few words, then jam my cold hands into my warm pockets for a few minutes, laughing at myself for leaving behind the gloves, scarf, and much warmer fleece that are in my gear in the back of the car. It’s there for a reason, obviously, and left behind thoughtlessly in my eagerness to hit the trail this morning. I roll my eyes and remind myself irritably, “that’s how people die in the wilderness, idiot”. Autumn has come. I won’t forget next time, I promise myself.

I sit quietly with my thoughts in the fog. The sky is beginning to lighten on the eastern horizon. I finish my writing. Daybreak soon. Then I’ll finish this walk and begin again.

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Categories Allegories, autumn, breathe, Free Will, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being

New Day, Different Moment

October 18, 2024 //
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The truck has a different kind of comfort and offers a different point of view – new perspective on a familiar scene. I sit waiting for the sun, but it’s a choice; I’ve been getting my walks in early with my headlamp. It’s fine. I don’t prefer it, but I still enjoy the walk and the time with my thoughts in the pre-dawn quiet.

This morning a full moon lights the way.

I slept deeply through the night and woke from my dreams with some difficulty. I dragged myself groggily through my morning routine, and made coffee for my Traveling Partner before I quietly left the house. The entire time I kept reminding myself to take the truck, instead of my Mazda. lol I’m due to take the truck in to have the new roof rack installed; all the parts are finally in. This morning I’ll begin the work day from the lobby of the dealership service department. lol I don’t mind, it’s just another difference.

It’s Friday. I’m so glad – I’m really tired. It’s been, somehow, a crazy week. I feel fortunate and grateful, though; the coordinated efforts of my Traveling Partner and the Anxious Adventurer have given me a break from the continuous grind of caring for family, hearth, and home. It’s a relief to have help. Dinner was especially good last night, and I didn’t have to plan it, cook it, or clean up. I even managed to spend some time tidying up my personal space, reducing the clutter that had begun to accumulate over recent weeks (which had likely been contributing to my background stress).

I gaze at the moon awhile, lost in my thoughts. My partner pings me a good morning greeting. I feel very loved.

There are no great insights to be found in this post. No painful moment of drama or chaos being sorted out. No guidance being offered. It’s a different sort of morning, and I am savoring the moment, content with it as it is. This sort of lovely moment is the payoff of all the practicing. lol Definitely worth taking time to simply be, and to enjoy it as it is.

Daybreak will come soon, and when it does, I’ll begin again.

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Categories autumn, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Love, meditation, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being

The Will or the Won’t

October 16, 2024 //
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It is raining at this trailhead. Just a sprinkle, really, and not enough to deter me this morning; I am restless and tired and I feel a need to “walk it off”. I slept poorly. My Traveling Partner was up late with the Anxious Adventurer, clearly enjoying each other’s company. I retired for the night a little later than usual, and every time I started to doze off, a bit of loud conversation or the bark of unexpected laughter would wake me. This went on until well past eleven, though I stopped checking the time at that point, resigned to the serious likelihood that I just wasn’t going to get the rest I need.

… I’m honestly still annoyed about it…

I woke sometime around 02:30, wakened again by some human sound. My Traveling Partner was awake. I felt a moment of sympathy; I wasn’t sleeping well, either. Headache-y and sound sensitive, I got up to pee, had a drink of water, and went back to bed. I woke groggy and stupid when my silent alarm reached full brightness, cross to be facing a new day already. My dreams were full of work (actual manual labor). I woke still tired, eyes scratchy, head aching, squinting at what seemed to be the overly harsh reality of another work day ahead.

…Fuck, I’m tired and irritable…

I breathe, exhale, and relax. Dinner was really good last night. The evening was pleasant and genial. Fun. Time well-spent, although listening to Tool turned up loud for the last hour of my day (sort of) didn’t do my fucking headache any favors. I almost laughed when my Traveling Partner asked me “Have you heard this one?” (Was he kidding, I wondered? I endured 14 years of Tool in the relationship prior to ours. lol. Yep. Heard that. All of that. All the time. Every day for 14 years. I even like some of it… but the anger got old and I got bored with it. I sit thinking about that; it’s a little sad when great art becomes boring. Trite? Overplayed.) I return my attention to yesterday’s pleasantness. It was a delightful day worthy of savoring for a time – so I do.

I’m sitting at the halfway point of my walk, enjoying the sprinkling of raindrops on my face in the darkness. It feels refreshing and my mood improves sitting here quietly, listening to the sound of distant traffic and a soft breeze stirring the meadow grass. My back and neck ache ferociously. There’s still an entire work day ahead. Still, I’m okay – for most values of okay. I’m just tired. I feel less cross, understanding there was no ill will in my crappy night’s lack of rest. The Anxious Adventurer lacks awareness of how his voice carries. My Traveling Partner was enjoying his son’s company. Their conversation wasn’t unpleasant or burdened with negative emotion, and perhaps on a different night I’d have slept through it easily. I let it go. There are more important things in the world to be mad about.

The rain begins to come down harder, making it difficult to write. I get to my feet and stretch, looking back down the trail in the direction I came. Yep. Another day ahead. There are verbs involved and some real effort to be made. I’m already tired. Doesn’t matter much, it’s still time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anger, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, solo hiking, The Art of Being
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