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Restless

February 22, 2024 //
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I’m having a restless sort of morning. I’ve stepped through the details of my morning routine, my commute, the start of my work day, and I feel… restless. Like there’s “something more” “out there”, or as if I am unsatisfied with life, generally. It’s an illusion, as much as it has any basis in reality. Emotional weather. I breathe, inhaling deeply, and exhaling slowly, feeling my subtle anxiety lurking in the background fall away ever so slowly with each breath. It’s a practice that works to reduce my anxiety, before it can get out of hand, but it does nothing much to change this strange feeling of restlessness.

…I could plan a camping trip… It’s a bit early in the year for (me to be) sleeping on the ground, but I enjoy the exercise of planning, and I don’t mind planning well in advance – in fact, some places I might wish to camp require quite a bit of long range planning (they’re just that popular, I suppose). On the other hand, I’m not feeling any sort of urgent need to be away from home (quite the contrary). This feeling of restlessness is inconveniently timed. I sip my coffee and think about it for some minutes – what am I “running from”? Something? Anything? Am I tussling with unaddressed urges? No doubt I’ve got my share of those…

The morning sky has clouds, and broad streaks of blue between those. The sunrise surprised me with it’s earliness, and was gone before I gave it much thought. It’s definitely morning, bathed in daylight diffused by the cloudy sky. Pretty. I gaze out the windows awhile, watching the streetcar make the trip around the block, from one stop to the next, heading the other direction. As early as it is, there are already people in the park below me, walking, sipping coffee, sitting on a bench. The water features are bland brown blocks of earth tones, not yet reflecting the sky above in any visible way from this distance (and angle of view). I wonder to myself when the Koi fish will be there, again, and where they go when they are not in the pond. I don’t care enough to look into it further, I’m just momentarily curious.

I breathe, exhale, and relax, taking stock of my pain and considering how best to manage it. I sip my coffee, and pull myself more upright, correcting my posture (again). I think about my Traveling Partner, his recovery, and how much I adore him. It’s hard being injured and being patient with the tediously long time recovery can sometimes take. Some injuries don’t heal quickly. I feel for him and kind of regret coming into the office, when I could be working from home where I could easily do things to care for him and make life easier. I sigh and shake my head when I realize I’d also very much like to just go back to bed and maybe nap awhile… Fucking hell? Really? The day has hardly begun…

…I hear a flurry of negative self-talk comments begin to develop in my thoughts, and put myself on pause; there’s literally nothing whatsoever wrong with wistful thoughts of sleeping in and napping, especially for a woman who struggles to get adequate healthy sleep! I laugh out loud in this quiet room and remind myself silently to “be nice” and treat myself with care and kindness – to do otherwise puts me at risk of losing sight of how I treat others. If I’m a dick to myself, how can I expect to treat others gently and with compassion? It’s something I’ve been working on a lot, lately.

Another sip of my almost-cold-now coffee, and my thoughts slide towards far away friends, and a dear friend struggling with mortality. Maybe that’s really the thing driving my restlessness, I realize; I miss far away friends, and I know I will regret not making time to see them (more often than I do). I find myself wondering if I should simply plan a trip to see my ill friend, and make a point of doing so while I can. It clearly matters enough to fuck with my head. I think that over quietly, and the restlessness begins to ease. Okay, so I got there, eventually. Now to do something about it, I suppose…

…I finish my coffee and get ready to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, Spring, Summer, The Art of Being, winter, women

Sure I Have Regrets

January 17, 2024 //
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I woke up early after a short restless night of shitty sleep. I’m stuck at home because everything local is covered in ice. My Traveling Partner was already awake, and obviously not happy about that, tired, cross, and earnestly wanting very much to sleep. I said good morning, and as little else as was possible without being rude and slipped away to my office committed to being as quiet as I could so he could maybe sleep.

…My keyboard is too loud for this shit, and I find that regrettable. I briefly shop for a quieter one, then move on to catching up on work notes…

I sip my coffee, typing super gently and with great care, trying to be quiet enough that a sleeping person in the adjacent room would be undisturbed. I doubt that I am successful, and I am painfully aware of how noisy this mechanical keyboard I like so much actually is. Shit.

…It’s very hard to write in a digital space without hitting keys on a keyboard of some kind. I chose poorly for this environment…

If a human being could arrive at death’s door with no more serious regret than a poor choice of keyboard in a home office adjacent to a bedroom, that would indeed be an amazing thing. I do have more serious regrets, and I suspect that most people who proclaim they “have no regrets” either wholly lack compassion, or are not considering the question deeply. Just an opinion, based on having once been one of those people (and it was a bit of the one, and a lot of the other).

  • I regret the times I have hurt people, emotionally or physically.
  • I regret rushing into marriage at 18 (frankly it nearly killed me).
  • I regret not leaving that relationship sooner.
  • I regret not getting the help I needed when I first understood my mental health was at risk.
  • I regret how difficult it has been to overcome some of my TBI and PTSD related challenges and the way that has affected my relationships.
  • I regret that I can be such a bitch sometimes.
  • I regret a great many of my foolish decisions.
  • I regret not setting better boundaries earlier in life.
  • I regret that I’ve ever made my happiness someone else’s problem.

Big and small, regrets come in many sizes and an endless variety. Choose your adventure. Choose with care and with your eyes on your values, and perhaps you’ll have fewer regrets? Less to regret seems like a good goal… But, we’re all human, and our cognitive biases alone are enough to ensure sooner or later, we’ll have done something, said something, or been part of something we later find regrettable. That’s okay, though, isn’t it – if we learn from it, and grow to become more the person we want to be?

This coffee is almost gone. It’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, meditation, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5, turning 60, War and News of War, winter, Words

Pain & Bullshit

January 10, 2024 //
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Pro-tip: don’t add to your physical pain with your bullshit and baggage. I mean, if you can avoid it, it’s a good choice. This morning, my Traveling Partner offered me a master class in how to refrain from adding additional bullshit to a pain-filled morning. Reflecting on it, I’m pretty impressed.

I woke from a fairly shitty night’s sleep in a lot of pain. He was already up, and also in pain. I wasn’t much in the mood for conversation. That was clearly also the case with him. I got up. I dressed. I got ready to leave (early) for work. We exchanged few words, and a brief kiss, and I was on my way. A short while later, he sent me a message checking in on me, wishing me well, and making a point to alert me he was in pain, and doing his best. I felt pretty cared for, honestly. Neither of us was feeling our best, and the morning got off to a pretty good start without either of us “starting shit” or creating chaos or unpleasantness out of our shitty moment individually, in spite of that.

Sometimes adulting is hard. It’s super easy to take dumb shit personally, or to lash out at someone else over a purely subjective bit of unpleasantness going on for us that doesn’t have to affect anyone else at all, if only we acted with sufficient care. I sit here sipping my coffee, appreciating my Traveling Partner for the effort he makes every day to show me the love he feels… even when he’s “not feeling it”, because all he really feels is physical pain. For sure, he’s as human as anyone. We both are. It’s not always a perfect effort for either of us, and sometimes things go awry in a vexing way, but… not this morning. I enjoyed an easy commute, partly because my heart felt light and I felt loved in spite of being in pain. Hopefully, he does, too. The day begins well.

I got to the office, made coffee, and tackled the payday stuff with a smile. I just went from being a contractor, to being full-time (with the same company) and I’m enjoying the feeling of security, and a sense of being “back on track”. I sit with that awhile, feeling grateful for the “here and now” and grateful for a good partnership to rely on in tough times. It’s enough. More than enough – it’s pretty exceptional (based on my own limited experience).

I sit quietly for a few minutes. It’s awhile yet before daybreak. Still quite early. There’s time to reflect, to meditate, to sip coffee, and watch the night slowly become day. There’s time to begin again. 🙂

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, health, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Turning the Page

December 31, 2023 //
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I’m sitting at a favorite trailhead, listening to the quiet of these predawn moments, and waiting for daybreak to illuminate the trail enough to walk without a flashlight. It’s the last day of the year.

An occasional car passes as I wait for the sun.

This nature park is only open from dawn to dusk, but there’s also parking near the gate. I wait to hear the quiet “clang!” of the gate opening, which reliably occurs just at daybreak. There are a couple other “regulars” who turn up to walk or take pictures as early as I often do, but this morning it’s just me. I’m okay with that; I’m not here to make conversation. None of the early morning people are. lol

2023 is over. What a year. So many lives lost to conflict or genocide. Humanity can be so terribly disappointing. The amount of violence and trauma left behind by 2023 would be shocking if we weren’t all so numb. I sit quietly, in solemn reflection and acknowledgement; we’ve got to do better if we’re going to survive ourselves at all.

2024 is just about here… I think about the year behind me. The challenges. The successes. The failures. The unrecognized opportunities. The missteps and course corrections. Work. Life. Love. Change. I consider how fortunate I am to enjoy the relationship I have with my Traveling Partner. I reflect on my current job and how much I enjoy it… And how little my enjoyment of my work ultimately actually matters, inasmuch as it has very little correlation with my longevity in a given role, at all. I think about the books I’ve read this year and the books I hope to read in the year ahead. I think about how wretched and poisonous corporate greed is, and the way it taints just every-fucking-thing. I think about hearth and home, and how much difference love makes, day-to-day. I reflect on how fortunate I am to have this life and another year to live it.

One more walk in 2023.

It’s daybreak and I can see the trail. I take a moment to move the car past the gate into the parking lot.

I sigh. Finish my coffee and lace up my hiking boots. It’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, War and News of War, winter

Context (You Don’t Know)

November 27, 2023 //
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This morning I “hate humanity”. I mean… it’s not even humanity’s fault, this morning. I have a headache. Base of the skull, at the back, just where my neck connects. Does it feel like a tension headache? No. Doesn’t feel muscular at all, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t. I don’t know. I know I have a headache, and it is pretty fucking terrible. My Traveling Partner suggests drinking more water. Yep. On it, already. Makes sense. Maybe it will help. I’m just saying; I have this headache and it colors my entire experience of life and my perspective on humanity and the world, generally.

I’m making a point of mentioning this for a reason; you wouldn’t know if I didn’t if I didn’t tell you, but you’d likely still experience something or other unpleasant if you had to interact with me right now, and you’d potentially not know why things went the way they did, due to that lack of information. You don’t know what you don’t know, and nearly everyone is going through something, quite silently and alone with their shit. That missing context matters. Be patient with people. Be kind. Be sympathetic and empathetic and compassionate. Be aware.

…And also… take care of yourself and use your words. No one is going to read your mind.

Fucking hell, this headache, though… right now I don’t care that it is the start of the holiday season, or… mostly anything. I’m just cross and headache-y.

…I’d very much like to begin again, please…

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Categories Allegories, anhedonia, autumn, breathe, Free Will, health, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Practices
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