Archives for posts with tag: be the change

The Routine and the Strange

March 31, 2025 //

Huh. Just for a moment I had the strange sense that I was completely wrong about the day, and that instead of the Monday I was thinking it was, as I sat here in the office, it was – perhaps – only Sunday, and I did not need to be here at all. A quick double-check of the calendar (and then my phone, and then the tiny date/time at the bottom right of my computer screen for good measure) reassured me that indeed it is Monday. I may not be overly enthused about that, on its own, but I am at least not incorrect about what day it is. lol

The morning has been a slightly odd one. I woke much earlier than necessary, but got up and made coffee and hit the road anyway. I didn’t have quite enough time to return to sleep, and definitely did have time to make a point to remember my packed lunch, and to make myself some good coffee. Even the commute was somewhat strange and definitely not routine in any way aside from the route I took. I hit every traffic light green, and there was almost no traffic at all. I drove the speed limit, feeling unstressed, unbothered, and unhurried (which makes sense since it was quite a bit earlier than I am usually on the road). The office is chilly in a Spring sort of way, and my thoughts linger in my garden, in spite of the darkness beyond the window. Funny thing; the weekend was quite productive, and I seem to recall it feeling “busy”, but… at least for the moment, I don’t really recall anything that stands out as eventful or special. No, I’m wrong – one thing does stand out; my Traveling Partner rebuilt, refreshed, and enhanced our household automation, updating and correcting some out-of-date programming and making upgrades that had been planned before his injury. Quite successful and useful, and delightful to use. There’s that. That stands out. Nothing much that I did comes to mind at all, but damn I’m sore like I did a bunch of stuff. LOL I also didn’t do a bunch of stuff – I was supposedly “taking it easy”, but I don’t feel like I actually managed that trick. Feels like I just did other stuff, instead of the usual stuff.

I rub my eyes, yawn, and sip my coffee. I still don’t feel quite awake yet, which is strange; I’ve been awake now for almost 3 hours. Groggy. Foolish. Mind wandering. Feeling vaguely purposeless and “out of focus” and caught in a sticky web of random thoughts and distractions. My sleep was restless, interrupted, and filled with strange dreams. I may not “need” more coffee…but I’m sure going to have more! lol The morning feels a bit surreal, so far. And chilly. It’s chillier in the office than it has been. As if in response to that observation, I notice the small heater that was left in this office space at some point. I sip my coffee and consider the option to use it, without acting on the thought. I could, though… If I choose to.

I sigh to myself, and try to shake off my grogginess by literally trying to shake it off. The sight, reflected back at me in the window makes me laugh. The laughter does more to wake me up than the shaking did. I sip my coffee, now at that “perfect drinking temperature”, and think about my Traveling Partner sleeping at home. I hope he gets the rest he needs – he has a day of work planned (and specific projects in mind) with the Anxious Adventurer’s help. He’s recovered from his injury and surgery to a point that he has begun “picking up where he left off” on all manner of tasks and projects that fell to the side when he got hurt, although he still has a way to go before he will be “at 100%”, maybe a long way to go (there’s quite a lot of work involved in fully recovering from a spinal injury and surgery). I feel relieved and delighted to see him doing so well. I can’t even describe how worried I was at some points, and I don’t like to think about it.

It won’t always be flowers and garden paths; sometimes it’s an uneven path, an uncertain destination, and a distant horizon.

Being a caregiver has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever undertaken. I give myself about a “C” on that endeavor, if I’m honest. Even with all of my best effort, I lacked experience and skill, and I fucked up a lot (and I was exhausted all the time), and I could have done so much better given time and training and more practice – but that wasn’t how things went down. I did my best. I can say that, and for most values of worth, it was enough – but fucking hell I wish I could have done more/better for longer. Caregiving is fucking exhausting. If you know someone who is a caregiver (or, frankly, a parent), be appreciative, considerate, and kind; that’s a lot of fucking work they’re undertaking to do, on top of trying to live their own life and manage their own self-care, and possibly also working a full time job (especially if they are committed to doing all of it well). Fuuuuck. That’s a lot. Sometimes it can feel like an inhuman amount of effort is required, and it can feel like the stakes are “too high”. Be helpful if you can – and for sure just don’t be an insensitive jerk about the situation, most especially if you’ve never had to provide full time caregiving yourself. It’s a hard mile to walk. I worried the entire time. Worried about the future. Worried about my beloved. Worried that I wasn’t good enough or capable enough – and painfully aware that things could be still worse.

Walking my own path, one step at a time.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s just a routine (mostly) Monday. Things are okay for most values of “okay”, and the day begins well (if a bit groggily). It’s time to get on with that. Another beginning. Another day. Another mile to walk on my path. Time to begin again.

Tags be here now, be the change, begin again, caregiving, choices, do your best, emotional self sufficiency, fortunate, get gud scrub, gratitude, healing takes time, it could be much worse, learn by doing, occupational therapy, pain, pain and pain management, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, self-care, self-reflection, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved, walking my own mile, working at it

Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Spring, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Bruh. How’d You F* That Up??

March 16, 2025 //

Some thoughts about things to do with being, becoming, and connecting with people (that I’ve mostly learned the hard way):

Chronic negativity isn’t “humor”, nor is it a useful way to connect.
An uncomfortable forced laugh is less engaging than authenticity, even when that means admitting “I don’t get it”.
Constantly complaining about common experiences doesn’t make a person sound cool, edgy, worldly or sophisticated.
I haven’t been everywhere. I haven’t done everything. I don’t know all there is to know about every topic of conversation.
It’s a safe bet that I have something to learn, and that listening may reveal things I don’t know.
A lot of things aren’t about me at all. Some experiences aren’t for me. I won’t be welcome in every space. This isn’t something that needs to be “fixed”.
Being annoying results in being alone. A lot. (And not missed even a little bit.) It’s just not fun to be around – definitely behavior to be avoided.
Consideration is often overlooked and very underrated, and when practiced consistently and sincerely can seem like a super power.
Manners still matter.
Intimidation is a “cheat code” in life, and although people around someone who practices intimidation may be willing to exploit that behavior, they don’t like the person who behaves that way, except maybe in spite of it.
Good character has lasting value and creates a stable foundation in relationships.
Some people are mired in their anger (it has become a practice more than an emotion), taking that personally is neither healthy nor helpful. Being that person is a poor choice with lasting consequences.
Hard decisions can slow me down. It’s worth considering other opinions and new options. Ultimately the choices I make are mine, and so are the consequences. It helps to ask questions and reflect on the answers.
Learning is a practice. Self-care is a practice. Listening is a practice. Consideration is a practice. Respect is a practice. Authenticity is a practice. It’s all practice. There are verbs involved. Work. Effort. Self-reflection. Commitment. Getting anywhere worth going happens in increments, over time.
We can choose change. We can choose to become the human being we most want to be. Ultimately we are responsible for who we are, and who we choose to become.

There are some seriously unpleasant, annoying people in the world. People who lack manners and consideration. People who are unkind, mean, petty, and (or) intimidating (sometimes for personal gain, sometimes purely as a matter of poor character). It’s worth doing my best not to be one of those people, and to do my best every day to be the person I most want to be. I’m not critizing you or telling you how to live, just sharing some of my own thoughts about my own life, things I’ve learned, things I’ve observed over time, things I still struggle with. Doing better today than I did yesterday isn’t easy; it takes work. Honest self-reflection. A willingness to change.

… Trust me, I’m not smug about any of this shit. I’m working my ass off to be the person I most want to be, to learn from my mistakes, and to do better today than I did yesterday – every day.

…

It was afternoon when I wrote those words. I was in pain. I slacked off some housekeeping in favor of self-care. Choices. Did it help? I don’t know. I got through another day, and held on to enough energy to cook a good meal. It was enough.

It’s a new day, now. I’m still in pain – I nearly always am. I’m not saying that to complain, and I’m not alone with that experience. Chronic pain is pretty common, actually. Learning to enjoy life in spite of it can be a pretty difficult journey (a lot of the really worthwhile things in life are difficult). My results vary.

I woke this morning already uncomfortable and in an unpleasant mood. No idea why, really. Maybe just dealing with pain has that result, sometimes. I feel cross with myself, with the world, with the seemingly endless list of shit that needs doing. I’m tired of all of it before I even get started…

I breathe, exhale, and relax, as I sit at the trailhead waiting for enough daylight to walk the trail easily. I don’t feel like walking in the dark this morning. I remind myself to let small shit go, and not to take things personally. I take my morning medication and sip my coffee and watch the moon set through the clouds.

When my mind wanders back to things that irritate me, I bring myself back to here, now, this moment. I make a point of practicing gratitude; it’s exceedingly hard for discontent and irritability to compete with gratitude, and I do have much to be grateful for. The internal resistance to letting my mood improve and allowing myself to enjoy a better experience is frustratingly persistent, but I keep at it. We become what we practice. It won’t always be easy to follow this path, but it is a choice available to me, and it’s the choice I make. My results vary, and there are verbs involved, but over time the outcome is predictably good.

Every day is a new beginning. My path is paved with my choices. The journey is the destination – and the clock is ticking. It’s time to begin again.

Tags anger management, be here now, be the change, begin again, choose wisely, chronic pain, complaints, don't be a dick, gratitude, I've learned something, meditation, now, OPD, pain, Practices, results may vary, tick tock, walk your own path, we become what we practice, what are you practicing?, who are you?

Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, Healthy Living, joy, Logic & Reason, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, Words

Banana Bread

March 15, 2025 //

The work week finally ended. I got home tired and uninspired about home cooking, late in the afternoon. I wasn’t hungry, just thirsty and fatigued. My Traveling Partner had put in a full day in his shop machining parts to upgrade the lathe. He had overlooked having lunch. I made him a hearty sandwich and then put my feet up for a little while, taking the break I should have taken earlier in the day.

I never did feel like cooking a proper meal, and never had much of an appetite. I ordered pizza, instead of fussing. I did remember, at some point, that my beloved had asked me if I’d make banana bread with the last two bananas, so I did that. It turned out splendidly well. I used the Better Homes & Gardens recipe, with a bit more salt than it calls for, and being generous with the walnuts. I chuckled to myself about how often it has turned out that my Dad’s “secret family recipes” have been from that cookbook. It was definitely worth the effort. The pizza was good, too. It was a simple, quiet evening.

This morning I woke from a sound sleep feeling rested, got up and started the morning. I’m sitting at the trailhead, waiting for enough daylight to see the trail on this rainy, muddy, morning and hoping for a break in the rain. The dense clouds overhead seem to tear themselves apart, a jagged gap opening to reveal the blue-gray sky of daybreak beyond. I lace up my boots.

I’m grateful for the simple joys in life. I’m grateful for these quiet morning moments of solitude and reflection. I’ve got a few days off work coming up, and I’m grateful for that too. I’m tired, and I am finding it harder these days to manage my pain; a couple days of leisure and creative time will do me good. I run my fingers through my hair, enjoying the softness of it, and watch the clouds moving away toward the horizon. No colorful sunrise this morning, but many beautiful shades of blue and gray and lovely soft shadows. I’m content with the morning as it is. It’s enough. The pain is a small detail, inconsequential compared to the beauty of the morning, just a thing to be endured.

A soft rain starts and stops, again and again. That won’t stop me, either. Like the pain, it is a small detail; I grab my rain poncho from my gear tote.

I sit awhile longer with my thoughts, savoring the moment before I begin again.

Tags ACT, banana bread recipe, be here now, be the change, begin again, breathe exhale relax, CBT, change is, create your moment, don't let the bastards grind you down, meditation, mindfulness, results may vary, self-care, self-reflection, simple joy, sit happens, solo hiking, subtext, taking in the good, verbs, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what are you practicing?, what matters

Categories breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, joy, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Practices, solo hiking, Spring, The Art of Being

An Apple A Day

March 13, 2025 //

I’m sipping my coffee and doing specific work that requires an occasional “proper break” to step away and give my mind a rest. It exposes me to some poor behavior human beings are sometimes prone to: dishonesty, entitlement, poor character, scams, frauds, and general terrible behavior. I sigh quietly and stare out into the sky, mostly blue, hints of the gray clouds that covered the sky earlier as they shred and drift away. Good and bad, this is a very human experience.

I remind myself that “one bad apple” may “spoil the barrel”, but it doesn’t ruin the entire harvest. Just saying – don’t let a single bad apple discourage you from enjoying the fruits of the tree. There’s more to humanity than any one bad actor. There’s more to people than the terrible behavior of some few. The bad character of one individual is not the measure of a population, or a culture. Shitty human beings doing terrible things are by far the rarity, and like “one bad apple” in a barrel, closely connected to other apples by proximity or association, rot may spread – but out in the open, among many, in the light of day? That rot doesn’t spread so far or so fast. One bad apple from a single tree in a vast orchard hardly counts for much. Move on and taste sweeter fruit!

I smile to myself. I’m enjoying the metaphor. It’s nearly Spring. There is blue sky overhead and gardening to do (metaphorically, and in practical terms). I enjoy my coffee, and my break, before I begin again. Terrible human beings and those merely “of poor character” are not worth taking personally, but it’s ideal to avoid them, whenever possible. I think about the world, about my place in it, and about “being the change” – and being the best version of myself I know how to be. I can do better than yesterday, today, and better still tomorrow. I’ll just keep beginning again.

Each step along this path has been worthy in it’s own distinct way, although I don’t always see it at the time I take the step.

The journey is the destination. I’ll stay on my path.

Tags bad character, be the change, begin again, do better, do your best, ethical behavior, fraudsters, humans being human, meditation, metaphors, mindfulness, one bad apple, perspective, practicing the practices, rotten fruit, scammers, stay on the path, The Art of Being, the four agreements, there are verbs involved, we become what we practice, what are you practicing?, what matters most?

Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gardening, Logic & Reason, meditation, Metaphors, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Spring, The Art of Being

Reach

March 12, 2025 //

Good morning, and hello, to Readers in Beaverton and Portland (Oregon), Dallas (Texas), Seattle (Washington), Toronto (Canada), Zhengzhou and Shanghai (China), New York City (New York), Lawrenceville (Georgia), and Lincoln (Nebraska) – where, apparently, most of y’all live. Welcome – and thank you. I like taking a look at the data on this blog now and then – figured I’d make a point of thanking you for being here (seems polite), and also pointing out that this amount of data does exist, and is being collected, most places. Choose your privacy settings with care, my friends.

I watched an interesting (for many values of “interesting”) and somewhat disturbing (eye-opening? informative?) video last night with thought-provoking title “End of Capitalism“. Absolutely relevant to current events, certainly worth watching, but rather disappointingly ending with a sponsorship for a service I find troubling, for reasons of its own – and there’s a useful video about that, here (or you could just read “Manufacturing Consent” with is disturbingly relevant right now). Both worth watching, both potentially distressing if you care about the future success of humanity. It’s not my role to tell you what to think, what to do, or how to live your life – but, it may be time to reconsider subscription services that feel convenient vs real things you can hold in your hand and truly own? You are worth more than your data, and your attention span – and if those things have so much value in this modern world, perhaps we should be directly compensated for them?

…Just thoughts over coffee, words on a page…

I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s a new day, there are new choices ahead of me, new things to do and see and experience. There are verbs involved. I am making my own way, walking my own path. I don’t know what the future holds – and I don’t need it to be “fancy” or luxurious. I’m quite content with “enough”. I think about that for awhile. What really is “enough” (for me, personally)?

I sip my coffee and reflect with gratitude on “basics” like reliably potable drinking water, hot water at the tap, indoor plumbing, dishwashers, washing machines, and all manner of conveniences that it is so easy to take for granted – these things are not a given everywhere in the world (not even in every American household). I’m fortunate. No, there’s no “Lambo” in my garage. I don’t need one (don’t want one). There are no diamonds on my fingers (again, a frivolity I don’t need). I’ve got what I need day-to-day, though, and I can fill my gas tank when it’s empty, and count on groceries. It hasn’t always been that way. I’ve had times of struggle, scrounging in couch cushions and under the seats of the car hoping to find enough change to put a couple dollars of gasoline in the gas tank to get to work another day or two, wondering if I’d get to the next payday, and whether the rent check would clear. As I said, I’m fortunate to be where I am. Bills paid, pantry stocked, tank filled. I’m not bragging – I’m relieved, and grateful, to be where I am. There’s no guarantee I’ll be here, always. I make time in my morning for the gratitude. It’s a good way to begin the day.

I’ve got a doctor’s appointment today, then work, then home, then… life. It’s all part of living life, isn’t it? The working. The coping. The getting shit done. I remind myself to also practice good self-care, and to find time to take it easy now and then. This isn’t a sprint – it’s an endurance race without a finish line.

…It’s already time to begin again.

Tags be kind, be the change, begin again, emotional self sufficiency, go outside, gratitude, is this the end of capitalism?, life, perspective, practicing the practices, read a book, taking care of me, tax the billionaires, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved, we become what we practice, what are you practicing?, what good is a billionaire?, what matters most?, where does this path lead?, who has your data?

Categories 2024 Election, Allegories, Anxiety, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Spring, The Art of Being, War and News of War, Words

The Routine and the Strange

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Bruh. How’d You F* That Up??

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Banana Bread

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An Apple A Day

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Reach

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