I’m starting the day grateful. Feels like I’m finally over this cold, and my interview yesterday went very well. I may be back to work quite soon… interesting to contemplate. The morning began relatively well, and I find myself in a good mood, feeling contented and somewhat merry. Hopeful. Steady. Centered. A good beginning to the day, indeed.
I’ve got my second cup of coffee and a bit of time until my next call (a follow-up with the hiring manager for the company I interviewed with yesterday). I sat down expecting I’d write awhile, but I am finding I’ve little to say. It’s a good moment for observation and for presence… but I’ve little to say about it. I am here. The moment is now. It’s enough.
…In a moment like this one, there’s no need to rush headlong into the next moment. I sit quietly with my coffee and my thoughts, until it is properly time to begin again.
Sluggish start to a new day, in spite of this good cup of coffee. I’d very much rather be sleeping. lol My reminder to take morning medication goes off, startling me; I’ve usually taken it and silenced the alarm before now. I chuckle quietly to myself – that’s the whole point of having an alarm, these days when I’m sluggish and not super alert. Purpose fulfilled.
I am musing contentedly about “things that bring joy”. Pretty subjective notion, there, but I am … entertained? Satisfied. It’s a reasonable bit of reflection for a slow morning. What brings you joy? It may be quite different in some regards to what brings me joy… although… human primates being what we are, there’s surely a lot of overlap? I think about it. While I reflect on what brings me joy, I also contemplate how to deliver that kind of joyful experience to someone else. What could be more delightful than the joy someone experiences through some little thing I may have done? I love that feeling. 😀
…The joy itself is a pretty splendid feeling all on its own, too, is it not?
I smile to myself and remember to update the budget to reflect changes, and feel a bit of background anxiety melt away. The anxiety wasn’t over the expenses themselves, or even the budgeting or the spreadsheet; it was the loose end, the awareness that the budget was not up-to-date. That’s the kind of shit that so easily can wreck a moment, a day, or an experience, so I pause my writing, hop over to Sheets and update my budget to reflect changes my Traveling Partner and I had discussed. Feels good that doing so doesn’t provoke any anxiety at all – it only eases it. That feel new(ish). I savor the moment with a contented sigh, and a sip of coffee.
I let the clock tick away without giving it much attention. I glance at my hands. I’ve torn them up lately, mostly over background anxiety and bullshit, wholly unnecessary and mostly completely unrelated to any real thing in my day-to-day experience. I’m okay… but my torn cuticles tell their own story. The other night, my Traveling Partner quietly, without prompting, and with a very serious concerned look on his face stepped over to where I was sitting and just handed me a bottle of lotion for my poor hands. lol I got the hint. So… I’m working on focusing more on joy than stress, and doing my mindful best to keep from tearing at my cuticles or biting my nails. It’s super hard. I keep practicing. It’s gotten so much better than it once was – still not where I’d like to be. I’ll just keep at it, patiently, building discipline through diligence and practice. We become what we practice.
…Sometimes it’s quite difficult to practice not doing something…
I breathe, exhale, relax. I find myself thinking about far away friends and “once upon a time” long ago moments of shared joy.
My eye lands on the clock. It’s already time to begin again…
I sip my morning coffee thinking about “change”, as I anticipate changes to come that may or may not be “what I want”. I’m okay with uncertainty these days, more than I’ve ever previously been as far as I can recall. Change is. I can prepare for it, embrace it when it arrives (or seek further, other, changes), and see where it takes me, or I can… not do that, and struggle with it instead. There is very little potential that I can avoid change. I sip my coffee and think about the conversation I had with my boss yesterday. Promising. No, I’m not going to be more specific – I don’t know what the future holds. I’m open to it, though, and ready to gently comply with circumstances, or seek further change – depends on the outcomes, I suppose. I’m certainly not expecting to “stand still” in life. lol
How do I “prepare for change”, though? Depends on the changes, I guess, but I usually start with envisioning life as it may be following the change(s) I anticipate (or have chosen). I take time to read and study details or ideas that are new for me, or present challenges – what can I learn before the change is upon me? Do I have questions? Concerns? I look into those details. I probably make a list of things I’d want done before the change comes – or will want to do to meet the challenge as it comes.
If my anxiety is vexing me with regard to some particular anticipated change, I spend time reflecting on successful other experiences of change in my life, generally. This reminds me that it’s do-able, and that I’m capable.
From there, the last bit of “change prep” I find reliably helpful is to be kind to myself, and alert for any potential self-sabotage that I’d do well to … not do.
None of us are truly alone on this journey that is one mortal life, yet we’re each walking our own path, and having our own experience. It’s a strange puzzle. With my boss’s words lingering in my thoughts, I contemplate where I can develop new connections, build new bridges, shore up incomplete knowledge, explore new learning relevant to the change we had discussed. It’s exciting to feel the process of growth and progress. One thing I enjoy about all this is that I get to keep everything I learn along the way – whether the change that comes is what I anticipated, or something completely different. I continue to grow. Exciting.
I sip my coffee thoughtfully. I breathe. Exhale. Relax. It’s a pleasant (quiet) Wednesday morning. It’s a good time to prepare for change. It’s a good time to begin again.
I’m enjoying the quiet moments before the work day begins. For about an hour I’ve been just sitting quietly, reflecting on this-n-that, mind adrift – it’s a favorite way to start my day slowly that can often result in a workday that feels like a weekend day, and a work week that moves purposefully toward the next weekend without agita, stress, or drama. It’s lovely. So, I’m sipping this decently good cup of coffee, breathing, and being. Not much else, really.
Spring is here. This morning I stepped out into a light misty rain, and felt the kiss of droplets on my cheeks without the sting of morning cold temperatures. The thermometer told me it was 44 degrees. Pleasant. I spent the short drive to the co-work space thinking about the young blueberry bushes that arrived just two days ago – they’ll replace the dying hedge we cut down last summer, and those unfortunate shrubs along the walk that I dislike. It’ll be really handy to have blueberries in the garden. 😀 I’ve got 6 bushes to plant, and 3 different varieties for good pollination and for disease resistance. Seems the wise long-term thinking…
…Thinking long-term, I’m expecting to get those blueberries into the ground this coming weekend, and getting the shrubs cut down and removed, and beds prepared, this week. I should stop by the local nursery for any needed soil amendments, and some blueberry-suitable mulch. I add that errand to my list for the week.
I sigh and sip my coffee contentedly. I love this quiet time, alone with my thoughts, uninterrupted. I breathe, exhale, relax. My heart is filled with love and enthusiasm, which is an enjoyable state of being. I sit with it awhile, thinking about my Traveling Partner, sleeping (I hope) at home. Beyond the windows, dawn begins to turn to day, and the white building across the street is a pale blue-gray that merges with the blue-gray of the dawn sky. The sun hasn’t yet risen. Another deep breath, and with this one I pull myself more upright, and give my posture and physical experience of self some attention. My pain today is a very commonplace “5 out of 10” – more or less “normal” for the season. I’ve already taken pain management steps, and there’s nothing more to do about it for now. I get up and stretch, anyway; Tuesdays are “long” in the sense that once the day begins, it’s more or less back-to-back meetings until late enough in the afternoon that I’m already thinking about calling it a day. I don’t even mind; most of my weekly meetings are on Tuesday. I can plan for that (and do). It’s convenient.
Before I went to the coast, my Traveling Partner (seeing my enthusiasm for making the shower steamers) sat me down at the computer with him and designed a simpler press (hoping for better finished results) than the inexpensive mooncake press I had purchased online. That one works pretty well, and creates a lovely steamer with a fancy very detailed top surface – but the result is unreliable and often doesn’t come out of the press cleanly. I had beefed about that a bit, and said I’d love a simple round puck with a flat surface. Boom! He designs one for me, and while I am away, he printed it on the 3D resin printer. (Wow!) I can’t believe I haven’t taken a picture of it yet… weird. (I definitely thought I had taken a picture of it…) That very day (that he designed the round press for me) he designed another that produces a hexagonal puck. So cool. He went a step further and added one additional design detail – the monogram with which I sign my paintings. The thought makes me smile so hard my face hurts. lol
One of the “Violet Forest” shower steamers, showing that I clearly need more practice getting the consistency and pressure just right. lol
The new presses are much easier to use than the mooncake press is, and they both produce an appealing result. I definitely need more practice getting the mix just right, and getting the press filled to just the right amount (about 50g), using the right pressure, and building a reliable process that is efficient. I think I’ve got a recipe I like sufficiently well to just keep at it with the same recipe, varying the fragrances and colors for fun. I greatly enjoy using the shower steamers I make; they are to showers what bubble bath is to a hot bath. 😀 Pure delightful luxury.
Another breath. I exhale, relax, and look at the time. The morning is now more blue than gray, and the clock says the work day is due to begin in mere minutes. I guess it’s time to begin again. lol I guess I’m even ready for it. I smile and finish my coffee.
Feels good to be taking better care of the woman in the mirror.
This morning I’m back at work, sipping coffee before the workday begins, and giving thought to how best to prevent burn out or overwork as I turn my attention back to the workday routine for the first time in bit more than a week. It’s rare for me to take so much down time, and rarer still to successfully without exception leave work entirely alone for the duration of my time off. It felt amazing, and restful, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
…Now… where did I leave that list of shit I mean to take care of this week…?
I smile at myself in the quiet of the office in the early morning. The muzak was not left on over the weekend (or maybe there was a power outage or something), and it is super quiet, and as is so often the case, I’m first into the office, and I am alone. It’s good time for writing.
…Today I go pick up new glasses. Later this week, we finish up the tax forms and get those filed. New team mates to meet today or tomorrow. Coffee with a friend that I’d planned for Wednesday needs to be rescheduled; I won’t be in the city, I’ll be here in town (see “finish up tax forms…”). I have a nagging feeling there is something potentially missing from my calendar, but I’m aware that having managed to miss a couple committed deadlines for things recently, as well as completely forgetting about a couple of scheduled appointments in the past two or three weeks, I’m sensitive to the risk of further forgettery, and prone to wandering about with a “what am I forgetting now??” look on my face (and sensation in my head).
I breathe. Exhale. Relax. It’ll be enough (today) to remember to pick up my fucking glasses – I’d meant to do that when I got back into town on Thursday (the same day I’d planned to get the taxes wrapped up, which had been rescheduled from managing to forget about it the week prior). One thing at a time. That’s a good beginning. 😀
I sigh out loud. This cup of coffee is finished. It’s not even very good – just hot coffee of the not-quite-instant k-cup variety. I glance at my work calendar; looks like a busy week ahead. I squint at my calendar disapprovingly before adjusting my thinking based on the observation that meetings are pretty well grouped on Tuesday, with plenty of open time for focused work on other days. It apparently only takes me a week of being properly away to become completely “out of practice” with my work routine and expectations. LOL
I catch myself smiling; my thoughts wandered to the new shower steamers I’d made during my time off, some of which I haven’t yet tried. I think ahead to a lovely shower after work… maybe that new “violet woods” scent tonight?
Another breath. Another moment to reflect as day breaks and the sky lightens to a very “walkable” pale gray sky. By the end of March, I’ll surely be back on the trail with my camera in my hand before work each day, and spending more work days in the office at home (vs the co work space). Another sign of Spring, although my current favorite signs of Spring are the roses in my garden leafing out with new growth, and the hyacinths and crocuses blooming. 🙂
Spring flowers.
Another breath. Another moment. A good time to make another cup of coffee, before I begin the work day. 😀 I’m ready.
Evening Light 