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Time to Reset the Operating System

May 15, 2026 //
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Sometimes it’s necessary to do a “reset” and update some settings. I gaze into the little strip of trees along the creek bank. It’s hard not to notice the apartment buildings on the other side. I sigh to myself, frustrated by this feeling of my consciousness being encroached upon. There’s a certain lasting fatigue that seems to linger even after a good night’s rest. I fight it unsuccessfully with sleep, meditation, healthy breaks from work, half-assed attempts at boundary setting… I need to “reset my OS” (metaphorically speaking).

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

I’ve got a room booked on the coast for the weekend, and a couple of meetings I can’t dodge between now and hitting the highway heading for a sunset ocean view. My Traveling Partner is right; I need a break, and I also need to reset my understanding of what he’s capable of, now. I breathe, exhale, and relax. Nice morning for it. I haven’t even packed yet. I rarely do anything so spontaneous. I chuckle out loud to myself, and hearing the sound, I am struck by how much it resembles my Mother’s laugh, and my Granny’s. I smile. I’m okay with that.

I got home last night after some quick grocery shopping, to discover that my beloved had cleaned the house more or less top to bottom over the course of the day. He’s clearly less disabled than he has been. I’ve got to stop behaving as if he needs continuous assistance with everything. It’s not true, and I am myself made of mortal flesh. I’d do well to recalibrate and adapt to the new normal. As I think the thought a wave of relief washes over me. I’ve worked so hard to care for him, and endured much. I’m due a bit of a break and he’s surely due the opportunity to simply be, without my constant worried fussing.

“Baby Love” blooming by the front door.

A simple question remains; will the damned deer ever stop eating my fucking roses?! Oh. “No.” The answer is no. 😆 But that’s not the question. The actual question is; can I get myself to slow down and care for myself, for real? Buy a couple new bras that actually fit? Get my hair cut? Maybe sleep in? Spend a day painting without distractions? Shop without anyone else in mind? It’s not at all easy to give up all the caregiving habits that were so much a part of the last two years. It is now necessary to complete the process of shifting gears again, back from steadfast accommodating caregiver to partner, friend, and lover. I am relieved and grateful… And I need a break to care for myself and update my thinking.

“Rainbow Happy Trails” blooming, too.

… And the deer will go on eating my damned roses, because they are having their own experience and care nothing about the circumstances of my human life…

“Whimsy” finally blooms for the first time since I planted her.

For real though, I’m glad I got some pictures of the roses in bloom yesterday, because this morning the flowers are all gone. I sigh to myself. Life isn’t perfect; it’s a journey. The journey is the destination. (And deer eat roses.) I’m not even bitching (well, maybe a little),  by most definitions, things are okay. Hell, I’m making a little weekend getaway to the coast happen on very short notice. That feels good even if the price of gas is still eye poppingly expensive. $5.33?? Are you kidding me with this shit? Ffs, take his toys away and put that senile old clown on a fucking time out. 😆

The sun rises behind me. A low mist in the vineyard hints at a cooler morning. It may be chilly on the coast. I remind myself to pack a warm sweater and wear my fleece. I smile, feeling light. It’s time to begin again.

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Categories 2024 Election, Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, Spring, The Art of Being, women, Words

Well Hello, Opportunity

May 14, 2026 //
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It is an ordinary morning, begun in the usual way, following a night of very sound and restful sleep. I woke feeling merry and grateful to have a comfortable bed and a partner with the thoughtfulness to adjust the thermostat when the weather changes.

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

All the way down the trail this morning, I thought about the weekend ahead. With my Traveling Partner’s encouragement, I am planning to take a couple days to rest (and maybe paint) on the coast. I’m rarely so last minute about such things, and I am delighted to have the opportunity, if I can make it work out. I walk with my thoughts, sifting through my recollections of various other similar short getaways. I have options. A rough plan begins to take shape… A short work day, a relaxed drive to the coast, an “early” check-in if I can get it, and an ocean view room from which to watch the sun set, sounds like a fine beginning. I sometimes surprise myself by being able to sleep in, at the coast. Is it the sound of the sea? The scent of the ocean breeze? I don’t know, really, but I’m happy to continue to study the phenomenon. 😆

I sit at my halfway point now, thinking about the weekend ahead. Painting or photography? Reading or writing? Meditation or beachcombing? Does it have to be either/or? I can mix and match. I grin thinking about times when I’ve packed for every possible option and found myself just napping, stargazing, and enjoying a bit of sightseeing instead of doing any of the things I had tried to prepare for. 😆 Human primates are weird.

… What do I really need most out of this time? I sit quietly reflecting on that…

What matters most? It’s a big question. I sit with that awhile. I decide to keep things simple, and open, and a very loose “plan” (so unlike me) and see where the journey takes me, for a change. Low effort, maximum rest. I’ve always got my sketchbox in the car, and my cellphone is more camera than phone in everyday use. I’ll bring a book and a change of clothes. It feels like enough. I’m only going for a day, framed by two nights.  It’s more about getting the restful quiet time than any agenda or itinerary. I’m not looking for an achievement.

I smile to myself, feeling easy. This feels somehow “settled” now. I shift gears to thinking about today. I remind myself to stop at the store on my way home from work. It’s not yet the weekend, and there’s today to be lived. I bring myself back to here, now, and draw in a deep breath of cool Spring air. Pretty morning. Cloudy skies but no rain, cool but not cold. I’m okay with this. I chuckle to myself; it wouldn’t change anything if I weren’t okay with it. Reality would just go on being real, at least with regard to the weather. The weather is not within my control.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s almost time to begin the day. I wonder briefly how many of you read the layers of meaning or look for the lessons or metaphors? I smile to myself, unconcerned, just curious. I get to my feet and turn towards the sun. It’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, Spring, The Art of Being, Words

When Rain Falls

May 13, 2026 //
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This morning I woke aching, feeling a bit twisted, and wondering what woke me early. It’s raining. Simply that, nothing more. I don’t mind some rain, and the garden will love it. I ran my fingers through my hair, as I stood at the bathroom sink, a little bleary eyed, a little tired.

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

I got to the trailhead a little before daybreak. The sky was already light enough to reveal stormy sky overhead, no colorful sunrise this morning. I sigh to myself and get out of the car. Just a sprinkle now, the rain won’t slow me down.

Sometimes it rains.

I walked with my thoughts. Uncomplicated solitary time on a Spring morning. I walk. It’s enough.

I think about the upcoming weekend. My beloved Traveling Partner has suggested, multiple times now, that I take a couple days – the upcoming weekend – and get away for a couple days and really rest. He sees the strain and lingering fatigue I’m dealing with. I think about it. It does sound good… Too early for camping yet (for me), I don’t sleep well enough in the cold and damp to enjoy the experience of tent camping in early Spring. A room on the coast? A cabin in the mountains? A yurt at the edge of the high desert? I sigh to myself; I don’t want to spend money on myself right now. I’m being ridiculous. I would benefit from a couple days alone. My beloved wouldn’t suggest it several times, if it weren’t clear I need a break from the world.

I get to my halfway point still thinking about where to go, maybe, this weekend.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. The rain has stopped. I meditate awhile. I do find meditation a helpful practice for building resilience, finding balance, and maintaining a calm and centered experience. Lately it isn’t enough “all the time” to bring balance and peace when the world is so chaotic and stress-inducing. It’s s little little walking uphill on an icy surface. The residual damage of early life and young adult trauma, and latent mental health issues, weigh on me heavily these days, and really test the progress I’ve made. I look at my hands, and recognize that using them to gauge “how I’m doing right now” is pretty useful. They are neat, manicured, and healthy, no torn cuticles; clearly I’m okay, for most values of okay.

The break in the rain becomes a mist, then a sprinkle. I gaze into the stormy sky above. More rain? Oh, yeah. The sprinkle starts to evolve into a proper bit of rain. I get to my feet and pull my fleece close around me for warmth, as I take cover under the oaks, and finish my writing. Rain will fall. That’s just real. What we do about it matters more.

I sigh to myself, regretting that I didn’t grab my rain poncho this morning. I wipe the drops off the screen of my phone, complete this sentence, and begin again.

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Categories 2024 Election, Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, Spring, The Art of Being, War and News of War, women, Words

So Very Human

May 8, 2026 //
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I considered my pain as I dress. Maybe I wouldn’t walk this morning at all? Maybe just a coffee at Big Corp Chain cafe? I yawned through watering the lawn and garden before work. It’s less that doing so is necessary quite yet (although in hasn’t rained in a few days), it is more to do with setting the habit as part of my routine for the summer weeks to come.

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

I reached the usual trail at the usual time – so far it is an utterly ordinary typical morning. Friday. G’damn I hope I sleep in tomorrow. Without even thinking twice about it, I grab my cane, get out of the car, and step onto the trail.

I get to my halfway point – the usual spot – and take a seat. Nothing out of the ordinary. So far the morning is like most mornings, and begins gently, with a nice walk, meditation, and a few minutes of writing. It’s almost boring, it’s all so routine. I hear a siren in the distance. I’m in the countryside, away from densely populated urban areas, but here too people are people and very human. I sigh to myself. Getting this human thing right is so frustratingly difficult sometimes. Now and then, something goes wrong, and the result is felt in raised voices …or a siren.

Don’t misunderstand my observations on the utterly ordinary average morning I am having. I’m fortunate and grateful, not complaining. Ordinary beats the hell out of drama or bombs dropping! My beloved sends me a good morning greeting and then a song he’s been liking. I listen again, and I’m similarly moved each time I hear it. It’s not unusual for my beloved to share a song he likes. I’m fortunate to be so loved.

I sit and watch the sun rise. Seems fairly commonplace, as sunrises go. I’m okay with that; I’m here for it, and that’s enough.

I’m human. I’m a living animal of meat and bone and blood. I live a finite mortal life. I understand that desire for more, better, sooner – but over time, life keeps teaching me the lessons of sufficiency. I don’t need a shiny new car right now, the Mazda gets me around adequately well, reliably. I don’t need elegant reservations- only dining experiences every weekend (or at all), however amazing the experience might be. Home cooking is tasty, healthy, and enough to satisfy my appetite. Life is generally like that; enough is enough. Sufficiency is plenty for the day-to-day. Special experiences feel more deliciously memorable when they are special. It’s very human to aspire to more and better – but having it all isn’t necessary, and makes a rather silly goal. At least I think so.

I sigh to myself. My big deal daydream-level yearning right now? Enough energy for ordinary things. Enough reserves at the end of a work day to do more – to do things for myself. Anything. I keep putting myself last without that being my intention. I could do better. I’ll keep practicing. I keep thinking about next weekend. My Traveling Partner suggested I get away for a couple days… I wonder if it will be warm enough for camping, maybe?

I look at the clock. It’s a pretty ordinary time to begin again. So I do that. It’s part of an ordinary day.

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, Spring, The Art of Being, women, Words

Any Day Now

May 6, 2026 //
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I woke on time, gently, from a sound restful sleep. I barely noticed the headache, at first. I got up, dressed, watered the lawn, and headed for the trail. It is a pleasantly mild Wednesday morning.

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

I sigh to myself as I reach my halfway point. This headache is vexing me. It seems to rise from somewhere between my shoulders, following my spine up to meet the base of my skull, blossoming into pain that spreads around the curve of the back of my head, becoming a beacon of “extra” pain in my forehead. Fucking hell this sucks all the ass. I laugh briefly, but that shakes my head unpleasantly. What sort of madwoman writes an entire paragraph on a pleasant Wednesday to carefully describe pain?

I had planned to work from home, specifically to also get some laundry done during the work day. At least right now, waiting for medication to be effective, I’m not feeling like “being around people”, at all. Alone feels better, for the moment. Working from home may be less than ideal, in spite of comfort and convenience and the company of my beloved Traveling Partner; I’m cranky as hell in this much pain.

… Fuck this headache…

I sit wondering if I can somehow justify blowing off work completely today, but I’m uncomfortable with the optics of an unplanned absence. I’ve been a professional for too long. 😆 I’d probably end up spending the day on errands and chores, and still enduring this fucking headache.

I let my thoughts wander on. Staying focused on the headache is worse than useless. The morning is a feast of fresh hues of green, and the stormy looking clouds that were overhead at daybreak have dissipated revealing clear blue skies. I breathe, exhale, and relax. A small brown bunny steps cautiously out from among the grass along the side of the trail. He watches me. I watch him. A curious bluejay startles us both.

My birthday is coming up soon. I’ve no idea what to do about it, really. I don’t have a crazy wishlist of things to do, acquire, or experience in mind. I don’t yearn for something with a reasonable price tag. My needs are pretty well met, generally. I would feel like a jerk to indulge a vague desire to be quite alone for my birthday; I know my Traveling Partner would probably want to celebrate with me, and might be hurt to be left alone on my birthday. I don’t really have any expectations or birthday wishes. Perhaps a cheesecake or an elegant fruit tart? Maybe a day without chores or cooking. Meh. I guess that’s the vibe, at least from this vantage point, peering through this headache. 😆 “This too will pass.”

I glance at the time, fighting my headache-fueled ennui. I could use a new beginning right about now… so I get to my feet and begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anhedonia, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, Spring, The Art of Being, Words
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