Archives for posts with tag: doing my best
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

Sunshine and Rain

June 3, 2024 //
0

I slept poorly, last night, when I slept at all. It rained through the night, and I listened to it when I was awake, between restless naps. I figure the most likely cause of my restless night was having to abruptly discontinue several regular medications in preparation for a diagnostic procedure later today. I probably should have expected the difficult night.

I finally woke to stormy skies, and my Traveling Partner also (already, temporarily) awake. He was eager for me to get on out of the house for my walk and expressed hope that I would be gone “a long time “. It’s a work day, on top of a day with an appointment in it, and a day that follows a night of truly shitty “sleep”. I’ll plan to do my best to treat the hapless humans on my path with kindness and gentleness; they can’t know what I’m going through right now.

My head aches all sorts of ways. I find some limited comfort in an iced coffee (having already confirmed I would not have to give that up, too). My back aches (with my arthritis), on this rainy morning. My tinnitus is loud (so loud). Complicating all of these, my head is stuffy from not taking allergy medicine, my guts are all churned up (no idea what may have caused that) , my “sense of things” is just… off. I feel uncomfortable and irritable.

…It’s still a work day… my partner still also had a poor night of sleep…

I got a walk in, between rain showers. Now I’m contentedly sipping coffee in the car, watching the sky shift from ominous gray storm clouds to bands of blue sky peeking between clouds that hint at the chance of sunshine… but I see showers in the distance, moving across the horizon.

I start my work day from this pleasant spot, catching up my email and checking Slack channels. I pause for a moment of gratitude that this exists as an option. I can linger here pretty comfortably, and let my Traveling Partner sleep awhile longer before I take a seat in my office, and risk waking him with a meeting, or the sound of my typing.

As quickly as the sun broke through the storm clouds, it disappears again, and I see a rain shower approaching. I don’t much care, one way or the other; I can’t stop it from raining, and may as well enjoy the moment anyway. It’s just weather.

I sigh quietly to myself. I’m prepared for today to feel awkward and uncomfortable, and possibly a bit difficult, but so far things are okay. It’s enough and I feel pretty contented, generally. I breathe, exhale, and relax. I do my best to set myself up for success…

…I get ready to begin again…

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Practices, Sleepless Nights, Spring

Listening, Practicing

May 5, 2024 //
0

It was early when I got to the trailhead. The rain started, again, as I arrived. It didn’t matter, since the gate was still closed. I sat quietly through the few minutes of waiting,  listening to the rain falling, meditating, waiting, drinking coffee I was grateful to have stopped for (what with the waiting and all).

The gate opens now at 05:30 a.m., and daybreak comes much sooner than it did just a few weeks ago. I move the car into the parking lot, up a hill from the couple of spaces outside the gate. It’s still raining, and I’m still waiting. I’m pretty good at waiting.

I sit with my coffee watching the dark rainy night slowly becoming a gray rainy morning, listening to the rain falling steadily,  drops tapping on the car. Surely there will be sufficient break in the rain to get a good walk in? I think it over, unperturbed by either potential outcome. I find my mind wandering to my upcoming camping trip and wondering if it will rain there, then, too? I’ll go prepared for it.

My head aches ferociously this morning. My arthritis is also quite painful. Head, neck, back… so much pain. I’m glad it’s Sunday. I can put more time and energy on self-care. There’s still laundry and dishes to do… no doubt other things I am overlooking for the moment. Still, it’s a gentle relaxed morning. I’m contented and pretty merry in spite of pain.

I start the car and give the windshield a swipe with the wipers; it sounds like the rain may have stopped, and I want to “take a closer look” before I get out of the car and put my boots on. It’s just a slow spattering of random occasional raindrops now,  suitable for walking…

Once my boots are on, I step onto the gravel trail with a crunch. It’s time to begin again!

A lush and rainy Spring morning

I get back to the car a bit damp, after getting a mile down the trail, and turning back when the rain began falling more steadily, again. The trail along the marsh and riverbank is scented by blooming trees and wildflowers. The rain contributes petrichor and that certain specific freshness of a rainy day. No flocks of geese overhead, but the robins don’t mind the rain, and busily went about the business of finding tasty morsels in the leaf matter and muddy ground along the trail. They watch me as curiously as I watch them.

As I change my boots for sneakers, I think about the day ahead. Already another “benchmark day”, and I have been looking forward to it. Seems a good one for tidying up, too, or helping my Traveling Partner with his projects. Maybe both? I’m not rushing to return home; I know my partner is sleeping and likely had a restless night. I am making a point of giving him time to get some restful sleep before I return home and start making noise. (We’re both fairly light sleepers, prone to being a bit noise-sensitive.)

I sit quietly, contentedly listening to the rain fall, before I begin again… again.

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, solo hiking, Spring, The Art of Being, turning 60, weight loss secrets

The Worst Headache Possible…

January 13, 2024 //
0

…I remind myself for perspective that there are worse headaches than this one. The worst headache possible would quite likely be much worse than this. This one’s bad, though, and I didn’t sleep well with it once it developed. I woke cross and irritable and in more pain than usual, and it’s not a good place to be…but… it’s icy and stormy outside, and I’m safe and warm inside, and I guess things could be just so much worse. No bombs falling on my neighborhood, for example. No flood waters rising. No terrible plagues sweeping through the community. I’ve got this good cup of coffee, and this quiet office, and that’s saying something. I’m in a fortunate place. I just happen to also have this really awful headache competing with my arthritis pain for my attention. It’s shitty, but… it could definitely be worse.

…I sip my coffee and try my best not to be obviously irritable. My “best effort” feels incredibly inadequate, and I commit myself (again) to at least going through the motions of being a pleasant human being if I’ve got to interact with my Traveling Partner – but it’s admittedly easier to be alone in my studio, headphones on without music, avoiding the necessity of interacting until called upon for some specific act of support or care that he needs enough to ask for. Some days, I’m recognizably a fairly limited and shitty human being whose “best” is wholly inadequate for “the common good”. Still doing my best. Hoping to outlast this headache without being a shit to my partner.

My tinnitus is incredibly loud in my ears – that’s often the case if I’ve got a worse-than-usual headache. This one is complex, a combination of my brainstem “feeling like it’s on fire”, and intense aching pressure across my forehead, from temple to temple, and behind my eyes. The whole painful mess seems to begin with my neck, up high, against my skull, and deep inside – I find myself wishing it were “only” a tension headache instead; that would almost be a relief. I know my Traveling Partner worries about my headache. I’m overdue to pursue more attention on some of these physical ailments. I admit I’m frustrated to the point of learned helplessness as far as dealing with them, though. I sigh and remind myself not to catastrophize; it’s just a headache, right? It’ll pass.

I sip my coffee – it can’t be helping that I didn’t have my first sip of my first cup of coffee until almost 10:00, when I’m usually drinking coffee by 05:30. That’s one truth to be mindful of; the habits and routines that comfort and support me come with consequences, in some cases quite visceral and real consequences, when those habits or routines are broken.

My coffee tastes good. I barely notice or care. The headache is a major distraction. I feel my occipital neuralgia beginning to flare up across the left side of my face. Fucking hell, this too? Well, the coffee is soothing and welcome, and I try to force my focus back to that experience.

I peek out a window and see snow.

Snow fell during the night. It’s just a dusting, really, but the temperatures fell to well below freezing – 20 degrees at 10:00 am. I’m definitely not dragging my arthritic bones out in this. When I’m feeling less cross, it’ll be delightful to hang out and maybe watch movies or something. Maybe bake a coffee cake. The forecast suggests these cold temperatures may last until Tuesday… I take a minute for heartfelt gratitude that I am able to work from home. I often go into the office, because I can, but it’s definitely something I am grateful to have a choice about. My Traveling Partner put a lot of love and attention into my home office space, and it’s well-prepared for pretty nearly any sort of work I do, whether personal or professional, creative or billable (or both). It’s nice. I take a moment to appreciate the self-love and attentive self-care that have gone into this, too. I didn’t get here without me, any more than I got here without my partner. 🙂

…Good coffee…

How to begin again…?

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, anhedonia, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, winter

Winging It

November 8, 2023 //
0

I had planned to work from home today. I woke in such a completely offensive bad mood I couldn’t stick with that plan without willfully (and inconsiderately) exposing my Traveling Partner to my unpleasant state of mind. It made sense to take advantage of a commute to the city to (try to) sort myself out, and work in the office instead of dragging my shitty attitude around the house all day. I’m probably fortunate that the day is off to a relatively good start in spite of my nasty mood and this headache… I sip my coffee, already lukewarm and uninteresting, and let time pass without being too invested in what follows any given minute.

I woke early, although I had set my alarm a bit later than usual, figuring on the work-from-home thing, and planning to take a pleasant early morning walk, but when I woke it was from a bad dream, and as I said, I was in a foul mood (maybe because of the dream, maybe because my partner woke me early for some reason, maybe because headaches suck…? Does it matter at all?). It didn’t make sense to stick with a plan that had been made from a very different cognitive and emotional place.

Daybreak catches up with me at the office. I have a sense of time passing, moment by moment, and I sort of wish I’d stayed home, after all, but omg I am in such a shitty mood… I can’t see inflicting that on anyone else (especially not my beloved), and I’m alone here in the office until much later in the day, on a typical Wednesday. I sip my coffee. Drink some water. Remind myself to stay on top of my medication – pausing for a brief moment of irritation that that’s a thing I need to remind myself about at all. I snarl to myself about aging and how much that sucks.

My Traveling Partner was super chill about my last-minute fairly spontaneous pivot to working from the office today. (He made a point of saying he’d miss me…but I suspect if he knew the mood I’m in, that might not be the case. lol) I hope he has a pleasant day, relaxed and fun, doing whatever he likes; the whole point of getting the hell out of there before anything could go sideways was specifically to do what little I could in the moment to secure a pleasant day for us both. Or at least for him. I sigh outloud in this big quiet space. My back aches. My head aches. My sinuses are kind of stuffy. I’m cranky.

…Oh, hell… am I coming down with a cold or something…? I sure hope not, I’ve got shit to do…

I recall that I committed to taking out the recycling last night, and also to do the dishes today… but now I’m not there, and I find myself vexed by the whole mess far more than is necessary, or reasonable. I’m aggravated on a whole other level. Should I have paused to do those things before I left the house? Could I have done so without erupting in misdirected rage over… nothing? Could I have done so without making an infernal racket inappropriate to the early hour? I seethe over it for some minutes, not because it’s an appropriate response, or because it’s helpful, it’s just where my head is, this morning. I’m cross. I’m annoyed with shit. I’m… an unpleasant and unapproachable version of myself. At least for the moment.

I seek a distraction from my negative thinking. I think about my Traveling Partner, and the latest super cute prints from the new 3D printers – an adorable squad of Pikachu. He’d said something earlier about planning to give one of them to me (for my desktop “menagerie” of things). The thought delights me as much now as when he mentioned it earlier, and for a moment I’m smiling.

…I’ve still got this headache, though, and I’m still feeling super bitchy…

I fucking hate nightmares and feel about the same toward headaches. I sigh again, and sip my coffee, feeling that “it’s all rather pointless” – but without knowing what I mean by that. The bad mood? The pain I’m in? The gray skies beyond these windows? The work day ahead of me? My lingering recollection of my bad dream? I feel bleak, bitter, cynical, vexed, and disappointed with humanity. G’damn. lol It’s much.

…Perhaps a fresh (better) cup of coffee will improve my mood…?

Well, regardless what else I decide to do, I clearly need to begin again.

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, anger, anhedonia, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Frustration, health, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, War and News of War

Nice Morning for It

October 18, 2023 //
0

I woke to my silent alarm, but only once the lights were at full brightness. I got up, dressed quietly and managed to leave the house without making any loud or abrupt noises, hoping my Traveling Partner slept through my departure. He needs the sleep after a restless night, I know.

Morning mist, early walk.

I enjoyed a nice walk along a partially lit trail which meanders through oak groves and vineyards, returning to the car before ever hearing from my partner that he has started his day. I stretch and do some yoga. I take time to meditate. I double check that I am on time with my morning meds.

I look at the time and make a note that I will need to return home by 09:00, regardless, to begin the workday, but I still had some time… So, I decided to write a bit. I chuckle to myself; it would be easier on my laptop, which is specifically portable for exactly this sort of thing. lol I should perhaps begin bringing it along in the morning…

… So far a pleasant morning. I slept okay, aside from being confronted crossly by my partner when he found himself wakeful, struggling to breathe comfortably, and wondering what was up with me, and whether I might be the cause of his discomfort. I eventually got back to sleep. I was also awake, having been awakened when my mask seal broke (I probably turned over awkwardly) and needed to remove and reposition it. Correlation is not causation, but perhaps my sudden movement to remove my mask woke him? Or the sound of air leaking past my cheek? I don’t know. Well. Shit. At least it’s not my snoring keeping him from sleeping.

I keep my eye on the time, hoping that he wakes up before I come home; I just don’t want to be the thing that wakes him up, this morning. I’m in quite a bit of pain, and a little grumpy myself as a result, and I know how cranky he can be when he doesn’t sleep well. I don’t feel like dealing with any of that, just want to get on with the day gently and enjoy a good cup of coffee with my Traveling Partner before work…

… Or just work, if he’s not in that place himself…

Sometimes adulting is hard, and inconvenient. Sometimes I’ve just got to begin again and do my best to do better. 🙂

Tags , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »