Archives for posts with tag: let small shit stay small
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Well, Now What?

July 28, 2025 //
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This morning I woke gently, and having planned to work from home today, I dressed without rushing at all, expecting to go for my walk and return to my desk at home afterward. My Traveling Partner was already up – which is not completely unusual, but it’s rare enough that I inquired about whether he’d rather I worked in the office today, so he could maybe get some additional rest a little later.

…The commute to the office was ordinary in every way. Not much traffic. Beautiful sunrise. The morning skittered sideways unexpectedly as soon as the car was parked. Dumb stuff; I dropped my keys and they managed to fall under the car, forcing me to get down on the ground to retrieve them (immediately regretting my choice of parking spot for reasons I won’t go into). I broke a nail getting back up. I dropped my handbag as I entered the elevator, resulting in dumping about half the contents on the floor. From there, it turned out my password had expired in the door-lock app for the office door, requiring a password reset and considerable fumbling with my device. I finally get to my desk, but I can’t log into my tools; updates, password resets, tool and system access changes… it seemed like everything that could slow me down was queued up to do so this morning. Hell, the router in the office had gotten knocked to the floor sometime over the weekend, and when it was put back, apparently, it wasn’t checked to ensure it was actually still on! So, on top of all that other bullshit, I also had to troubleshoot the office connectivity, to get my day started. Fuuuuuck. An added irritant developed that was wholly unimportant, just annoying; the door stop wasn’t stopping the door. I’d prop it open, it would slide closed once my back was turned. This repeated several times. I finally got annoyed enough to kick the door, which caused me more pain (some) than any damage done to the door (none). Monday morning score? Circumstances 10+, this human right here? 0. LOL Circumstances were definitely winning.

It was the childish kick to the door that reminded me of set and setting, and choices – my mindset, specifically, and where I was, which is to say in the office, preparing for the work day and the choice I clearly have regarding whether to allow these circumstances to determine the quality of my experience. I sighed out loud, swore softly, and let all that bullshit go. I mean, eventually. Finally. Once I had some perspective on how childishly I was reacting to a handful of common enough small inconveniences that had managed to pile on for some Monday “fun” (for some values of “fun”, and depending on your point of view). Seriously – we do become what we practice. Practice giving in to bad temper and frustration, practice having needless unproductive tantrums, we eventually embody that lack of self-control and lost resilience in future moments of inconvenience, reliably. It’s not necessary – we can choose differently, practice something else, and be that, instead.

…What do I personally most want to be in the face of frustration and annoyance? Calm. Chill. Adaptable. Relatively pleasant in spite of circumstances. Capable. Clearly this requires practice – and I need more of that. LOL

I grin to myself, sipping my coffee, having found my way back to some sense of perspective. I’ve coped with the inconveniences. I’ve addressed the circumstances. The day is “back on track” to be an utterly routine workday in all forseeable regards. My emotions are sorted out. I’m ready for the day – aside from being a little embarassed to be such a fucking child sometimes, and more than a little grateful to have had the office alone for that. I definitely prefer to be alone if I’m going to be a childish fuckwit about some perfectly ordinary inconvenience(s). lol I breathe, exhale, and relax. I let the inconveniences of the morning become the past, and I move on. I’ve got too much to do to waste time ruminating over how it is I’m not perfect or getting mired in “poor me” bullshit. I shrug it off, and get on with other things.

It’s a lovely morning. The sunrise was pretty, in soft pastels, and subtle hues of pink, peach, and lavender. The coffee is good this morning, which is always a nice detail (if you like coffee). The chaos of the morning’s beginning isn’t enough to “cancel” the beauty of a sunrise. I’m grateful to have seen it. I notice the ticking clock, and realize it is already time to begin again…

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, Healthy Living, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Summer, The Art of Being

Willful Change Takes Effort

January 12, 2025 //
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I woke from restless dreams about change and started my day the usual way, more or less. The evening, yesterday, ended on an unfortunate contentious note that seemed neither necessary, nor helpful. I finally gave up on conversation and went to bed, feeling irritated and frustrated.

I managed to sleep, but my sleep was both unsatisfying and filled with strange dreams of things not turning out properly regardless of effort or attempts to fix things. I woke feeling glad to be released from my dream life.

View from the trailhead before dawn.

I got to the trailhead still fighting the fairly stupid very human urge to “prove my point”, left over from last night. That kind of horse-flogging, tail-chasing foolishness is an incredible waste of precious limited mortal lifetime. I snarl quietly at myself to let that shit go. I breathe, exhale, and relax. I roll my eyes in an unseen expression of exasperation, and sigh. Letting a moment of discord take over my thoughts and “live in my head” that way does nothing to add to my life, and it’s pretty fucking pointless, generally. Seeking to convince someone else of something that directly contradicts their experience or beliefs is unproductive.

Either, or. Neither, nor. Grammatical details matter most if the result affects meaning or understanding. The rest, I think, is a matter of style… but… language functions by agreement, does it not?

… I still catch myself doing a search of my written work for a turn of phrase and a keyword I’d been accused of not using (or not using correctly), and easily find dozens of examples, old and new. It’s neither rare nor used incorrectly, where I find it. On the other hand, to the point my Traveling Partner was making, it’s also not at all consistent and I often don’t bother with it. I write very much the way I talk, so it’s a given that in spoken conversation and day-to-day use, I’m certainly also quite hit or miss, and probably misusing grammar on this detail a lot. I sigh. Is he right? Is he wrong? Am I? Are we both? Are we neither of us specifically exclusively correct? The particular point of grammar involved really matters to him. Less so to me (aside from how much it matters to him).

“Emotion and Reason” 18″ x 24″ acrylic w/ceramic and glow details, 2012

I sigh to myself and let my vexation melt away. What matters most to me is how much I love this particular human being. Enough to work to change. Even to flex my style. There is work involved, especially because I just don’t actually personally care much about this particular point of grammar, myself (using”neither/nor” to support the negative most correctly vs lazily defaulting to “either/or” all the time). Being very grammatically correct on this point has often gotten me teased for sounding pretentious or stuck up, and I suspect that drove me to discontinue it in favor of a more relatable approachable conversational style. I think it over as I lace up my boots before I put the whole vexing thing aside to walk the trail.

… The things we do for love…

There’s a hint of daybreak in the paler gray of the pre-dawn sky. The moon has set, but I won’t need my headlamp for long. The chilly dampness of the marsh wraps me in mist and silence. It’s a good time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, Logic & Reason, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5, Words

Learn From It and Let It Go

August 23, 2024 //
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I’m sitting quietly with my coffee, reflecting on recent days, resilience, self-care, love, and the sometimes limited success of “doing my best”. My results definitely vary. Very human. I keep practicing.

A new day, a new beginning.

I reached the trailhead before daybreak, and it began to rain (again) just as the sky lightened enough to walk it safely. So… I wait for a break in the rain. I don’t mind; it’s lovely quiet time to write, meditate, and reflect on recent successes and joy. Time well-spent on a self-care practice that matters more than it seems it should, for such a small thing. I definitely need this quiet solitary time in order to truly thrive.

Yesterday was peculiarly difficult until my Traveling Partner realized he had made an error with his medication that affected his experience in a negative way. He asked me to resume helping him by setting up his medications for him. He still needs my help for now, and I am happy to provide it. Taking a careful, considerate, and collaborative approach, he told me what he needs, I got it together and set up for the night and first thing this morning. Later today I’ll set it up for the afternoon and evening. So far, this feels like a good approach, appropriate to where he is with his recovery.

The evening was a quiet one. I went to bed early enough to get a good night of rest, and even slept through the night (rare for me). I woke feeling rested and comfortable in my skin. It’s a pleasant feeling and a good start to the day. My pain is not a big deal for the moment, even my headache is only about a 2 out of 10, this morning. I sit with that awareness for a while, just enjoying it. Enjoying – savoring – these good moments, however small, is a profoundly powerful tool for building emotional resilience.

This morning I plan to give my Traveling Partner some quiet time for rest. I’ll start work a little later, maybe run some errands before then (after my walk). The cloudy sky revealed by the dawn promises more rain to come, but for the moment it has stopped raining. I grab my boots and my cane. Time for that walk. I smile, enjoying the lush hues of green of the trees and blackberry thickets along the edge of the meadow beyond this parking lot and think about painting the scene in pastels. Maybe this weekend? I sigh contentedly to myself. It looks like a good time to begin again.

Breathe, exhale, relax. Begin again.
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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, Summer, The Art of Being

The Day Something Changes

August 12, 2024 //
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I’m (finally) sipping coffee. Never had a walk this morning. Woke up in pain, though that’s neither different nor relevant to the moment, or this cup of coffee. It’s fairly late in the morning, so I’m having it with a little (coconut) milk and a bit of sweetness (vanilla syrup). It’s hot. It’s… coffee. It’s fine. Today is “the day”, and my Traveling Partner is in surgery. I’m in the waiting room… waiting. The Anxious Adventurer waits with me. We’re neither of us particularly stressed, both hopeful.

… It’ll be good to “have my partner back”, in the sense that the pain he has had to endure over time has been much for all of us. Worst for him, obviously, but terrible to helplessly witness, and hard on his relationships, generally. Hard on him, too. It has diminished and limited him, and shrunk his world to the size of his pain. I’m eager to see him once again doing the things he loves with ease. I’m eager to hear him laugh again and feel his strong arms around me.

…So I wait. I breathe, exhale, and relax. I drink coffee and remind myself to take my medication. I give some small amount of thought to my vertigo, which has begun flaring up more frequently, in response to less obvious things. I think about the occipital neuralgia that “lights my face on fire” for hours or days. I think about the shooting pain down the back of my right leg this morning that wasn’t there yesterday. Shit. I guess I need to start putting more attention on this fragile vessel. I don’t “feel old”… I resent these possibly aging related complaints, often with real ferocity. I use my resentment and my anger to push past the pain, to reject its power over me. I use my feelings to walk one more mile, and then to walk another. I’ve come too far to give up easily.

… This hospital has a pleasant waiting room (except for the uncomfortable chairs)…

I sit with my thoughts. I breathe. I shift in my chair trying to find more comfort before realizing again that the pain is mine, it’s not the chair. I write. I reflect. I wait. I’m good at waiting.

The Anxious Adventurer goes on a wee walkabout, exploring the carefully planned curated spaces of the hospital to pass the time. I’m fine with just waiting, not because I lack restless energy or curiosity, I just want to wait, patient and present, my thoughts with my partner. It’s certainly a place worth exploring, though. I enjoy the quiet and the hushed conversations, and the art.

… It’s a shame there’s so little public art…

Cloudy day. Waiting. It’s fine; soon enough we begin again.

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Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being

Something More About Perspective

June 6, 2024 //
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I got my walk in early. I started just at daybreak on this mild Spring morning. I walked a bit aggressively, lost in my own thoughts, eyes fixed on some point ahead,  but without really seeing. I felt cross about the way my morning started (with my Traveling Partner’s aggravation over being wakened and struggling to breathe, as I finished dressing to leave).

…Took me awhile to let it go…

I had wished him well and expressed my hope that he could get back to sleep. He didn’t seem to think he would and expressed that in a way that kept our exchange on my mind as I walked along, over-thinking it unsatisyingly.

…I seriously could have done a better job of letting it go, and letting small shit stay small…

I didn’t really begin to enjoy my walk or adjust my attitude until after he pinged me a cute sticker of a little cat tucked in for sleep, indicating he was going back to bed. Damn, I love that guy. At that point, I was easily able to settle down and sort myself out, with a sigh and a smile and a feeling of gratitude. Shit could be a lot g’damn worse in life (and love).

…We’re each having our own experience…

When I sat down to write, I took a quick look at the “page stats” for this blog (it’s not about numbers so much as insights into what people choose to read, and I often find new relevance in old writing). I found myself re-reading a post from almost 18 months ago, and reflecting further on perspective, change,  and the importance of self-care. It gave me real clarity on the morning, and restored my sense of perspective generally, and how good things truly are. Reading a relevant older post is another way to “be there for myself”, and practice good self-care, and another way to regain perspective. (I say a silent “thank you” to the reader who read that post yesterday; reading it this morning was helpful.)

…My Traveling Partner is on his own journey, having his own experience, and taking that at all personally isn’t a helpful approach to partnership…

Here. Now. Perspective. Sufficiency.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s a pretty morning. The temperature here is a comfortable 50°F or so. The sunshine lights the blades of grass and the trunks of the oaks in the grove where I sit perched on a picnic table enjoying the sunrise. It’s still quite early and I am not rushing back to the house. I’ve got a cup of coffee and this quiet moment to myself and I am enjoying it.

…Sometimes the best thing I can do to take care of myself is to simply take a few quiet minutes to breathe and reflect…

Later today I will take my Traveling Partner to an appointment with a specialist. I hope there is promising news about what can be done and what the long term prognosis for his recovery from his December injury may be. It’s hard watching him suffer and struggle. I feel so helpless so often. I definitely want to do more to alleviate his pain and discomfort than I seem able to. It’s not about me, though; I just want this human being I love so dearly to be okay.

I sigh out loud and catch myself picking at my cuticles anxiously. Yeah… still human. Still prone to worry and stress. I breathe the fresh Spring air deeply and exhale slowly. I can smell the hedge roses that are on the other side of the parking lot adjacent to this park where I am sitting, and the scent of recently cut meadow grass. I enjoy the smell of Spring, grateful that my seasonal allergies are nothing like as severe as my Mother’s allergies, or my Traveling Partner’s. They’re mostly pretty mild, and seem very specific to certain local flowering trees. That time of year is already beginning to pass.

I am in rather a lot of pain this morning. It’s been an issue all week. I take the medication I have for it. I cope the best I can. I remain unwilling to let my pain call my shots and I try to “just live my life” in spite of it. My results vary. I make a point of not complaining much about it, to the point of generally mentioning it only in passing, if I mention it at all, in conversation. It’s not that I find this to be a helpful strategy, it’s just that there’s nothing to do about it, really, that I’m not already doing, and I am very much aware that my partner is in a great deal more pain than I am. I don’t want to make that about me. I just want to do my best to support and care for him while he’s injured and working on recovering. He knows I am in pain, it’s a chronic condition. No point making that “a thing” – right now it’s just a distraction.

I sit with my coffee and my thoughts awhile longer. Soon enough it will be time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Roses, solo hiking, Spring, The Art of Being, The Big 5
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