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When It Gets Real

November 26, 2025 //
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I started my walk quite early. Before sunrise. Before dawn. Before daybreak even hinted at a new day beginning. I walked down the dark trail, the circle of light cast around me by my headlamp bobbing and shifting with my steps. Nothing much to see besides wet leaves and an occasional slug. It is warmer than recent mornings. I walk with my cardigan open, in spite of occasional raindrops.

For me, trail walking is a useful metaphor for following a path in life. It has everything I am likely to need to more deeply contemplate this very human journey as I walk. I’ve even got occasional obstacles along the way, as in life itself. I walk with my thoughts. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I’ve got a lot to be thankful for. Over time, gratitude has become such a natural practice that I often find an attitude of presumed entitlement to be… boorish and crude, astonishing and distasteful.

I smile to myself as I walk. I’ve come a long way on this journey.

I’ve changed a lot over the years. I don’t have much in common with the woman who left the Army at 30, bitter, damaged, and full of a poisonous diffuse rage waiting to find a target. Nor do I have much in common with the chaotic and bewildered young woman who joined up at 17, fairly certain she had no other reasonable prospects. I don’t have much in common with the woman who quit her job to paint full-time at 52, either. (She quickly discovered that although she loved to paint, she was pretty dreadful at the business of art, and returned to the workforce when her savings ran out.) I probably have a little more in common with some much younger past version of myself…13? 14? Idealistic, optimistic, hopeful, generally cheerful, eyes wide with wonder, and a head full of notions – now that’s a girl worth hanging out with for some giggles and good conversations!

Funny thing about that much younger version of me… she didn’t have many useful tools in her toolbox at that age, and her choices to “just walk away” when things got “too real” taught me a lot, although they were poorly considered, and fairly stupid decisions. Did abandoning everything and just walking away from my life ever fix anything? No, not generally, but once or twice it helped me turn a corner or make a clean break that legitimately served me well. It’s taking a sledgehammer to an annoying fly, though; imprecise, with far greater destructive potential than required. I still think about it, now and then, when life is at its most stressful… there’s freedom in walking on.

… Every morning, I lace up my boots and walk on. It’s a useful metaphor for change and for progress, and for following a path…

Do you ever think about just walking away from everything and everyone you know, and striking out on a completely new path? Do you consider how few and how small the practical changes actually need to be to thoroughly change your whole life as the effects ripple through the whole of your experience day-to-day? One small change, well-practiced over time, could be enough to change your experience of life, generally. That’s kind of a big deal… Useful.

…One step at a time down the path, I keep walking with my thoughts…

A brief rain shower passes by, enough to dampen my hair. I keep walking. I slip on slick leaves at the edge of a puddle, and slide a short distance before catching my balance. I keep walking. A steeper bit of trail slows me down a little, just where the pavement ends and the trail becomes muddy earth. I keep walking. I walk past vineyards and trees, and along the edge of a grassy bit of meadow, and along the bank of a creek. The trail is familiar, but there are new things to see most days – each moment and day are their own unique experience. Each walk, too, is its own experience, wherever it takes me. Wherever I take myself, this remains true, down any path I choose to follow; I am having my own experience, and I have the power to change it.

I’m grateful for the ability to walk these solitary miles with my thoughts. Grateful for the well maintained trails available to me. Grateful for the safe community and parks to walk through. Grateful, too, that I have the will to do the walking. It’s no small effort to go down the path, step after step, in darkness or daylight, morning after morning. I “treat myself” to a few moments sitting quietly at some stopping point to rest, reflect, and write. I’m grateful that I can, and that I do. Sometimes I still find myself thinking about “walking away from it all” when times are stressful and difficult, but I rarely act on flights of fancy, and a nice walk alone with my thoughts is generally enough to sort myself out and find acceptance and a suitable path forward.

Anxiety vexing me? Maybe a nice walk will help? Feeling angry and struggling to deal with it? How about a walk, and some time to reflect and gain perspective? Feeling blue or bitter? A lovely walk in the countryside could be just the thing to put me right. I prefer to walk away from a shitty situation… but the choice of trail or path I take doesn’t need to be some permanent departure from life, the world, or my circumstances. Sometimes I just need a bit of a break, a chance to reflect, and a walk outside in the fresh air.

G’damn, y’all, how fucking basic and mundane am I? I chuckle to myself, remembering a young woman of 14, and her daydreams of an adventurous adulthood filled with amazing experiences, lessons learned over time, and fantastic tales to tell. Sure, sure, I’ve seen some things, done some living and faced my share of struggles. I do manage to find some amusement in discovering that what I enjoy most is a stable, comfortable sort of ordinary lifestyle, without much excitement or drama. A pleasant walk and a good cup of coffee have turned out to be more meaningful and more worthwhile than an elegant fine dining experience, or some long-sought professional achievement. That realization drove a lot of my shift toward a focus on sufficiency and gratitude. Over time it has been profoundly helpful for soothing my stormy emotions, and improving my perspective on life, generally.

None of this is to say that my way is the way, or that this path must also be your path. We’re each having our own experience. Making our own choices. Walking our own paths.

The rain begins to fall more steadily. I pull my rain poncho from my pocket and pull it over my head. Daybreak comes with the rain. I get to my feet in the gloomy half-light of dawn. It’s time to begin again, and this path won’t walk itself.

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Categories 2024 Election, Allegories, anger, Anxiety, art and the artist, Brain Injury, breathe, Despair, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, grief, Healthy Living, inspiration, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, The Art of Being, War and News of War, Words

An Admission of Ignorance

November 9, 2025 //
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I arrived at the trailhead for my morning walk at daybreak. I didn’t expect a colorful sunrise, given the time of year, and the recent weather generally, but I also slept in this morning, which changed my timing. (Which has nothing to do with whether there would be a colorful sunrise, only the likelihood of seeing it.)

Mt Hood in the distance.

I parked, grateful for the quiet morning and the pleasant drive. Grateful for the simple good life I am fortunate to enjoy with my Traveling Partner. My mind wanders to my colleagues in the Philippines. They’ve had a rough year, multiple super typhoons, earthquakes, and even volcanoes erupting. I silently wish them well, hoping they are safe from harm, and reminding myself to check on them.

I set off down the trail, content to walk with my thoughts over unmeasured miles. I’ll get there when I get there, wherever “there” turns out to be.

Behind me, the sun rises.

I get to my halfway point, feeling light-hearted and calm, unbothered by the troubles of the world for the moment. Feels good. I haven’t looked at the news today, other than the weather. Weather reports are to news what cookbooks are to literature; generally very neutral, fact-based, and practical. I’d very much like it if all of the news were handled in a similarly practical factual way, but since that is not the situation in the year 2025, I have been making a point of not looking at that crap until later in the day, if at all.

…And you can’t make me 😂 …

How many times can I look at repeats of the same aggravating, outrage-stoking, needlessly provocative AI slop or partisan gaslighting without becoming (understandably) distressed or depressed? No thanks. I’ll accept a measure of predictable uncertainty and ignorance of world events in the moment. The most important details will still reach me, filtered through work channels or conversations with friends, or shared to me by my Traveling Partner, who understands better than anyone besides my therapist the effect too much of such things can have on me.

Are you old enough to remember adults in your life reading the newspaper? I’m talking about the folded paper newspaper that may have been delivered with a thump right to the doorstep each morning or maybe just on Sunday… Growing up, for me, that was my father and my grandfathers. (My recollection is that my mother and grandmothers were more inclined to read magazines and books.)

The pace of knowledge and news seemed slower before the rise of cable news, and later the Internet, and the words in each article, edition, or volume seemed more carefully thought out. Catching up on world events weekly wasn’t ridiculous – and it certainly seemed enough to fuel an entire week of conversation.

…Why do you need immediate real-time news 24/7, anyway…?

During my own lifetime, the pace of news delivery has accelerated beyond the point of new news being available to report at all, creating an opportunity for bullshit repeats, “clickbait”, sponsored content, and AI slop to thrive. That’s not good news for human thought. I think it began with the evening news on television (so convenient!), and quickly worsened with the coming of cable news channels. If it were all high quality, skillfully researched, factual, and with clearly stated agendas, biases, and the special interest groups backing it openly identified, the news might be a real value, and a useful resource. I don’t think it measures up to that standard, presently. I think it is reasonable to doubt the truth of most of what we see shoved at us as “news” these days. That’s definitely true of the laughably dishonest missives coming from the White House directly. It’s almost certain someone has a stake in controlling what we think as a population, no matter where we get our news. It makes sense to think critically about what we read, hear, and see that is presented as the news.

So…yeah. I guess I’m 100% okay with a measure of “ignorance” of the sort that results from carefully vetting news sources and just catching up once in awhile, or based strictly on work relevant topics and local news each week. I’m not okay with letting advertisers dominate my consciousness or cognitive processes, or letting notifications regulate my attention. I’ve been switching my phone to “do not disturb” more often (a lot), and carefully managing casual access to my attention. So far these steps have been very freeing in practical terms, and with some expectation setting, don’t seem to have created any great inconvenience for people who need to reach me. Helpful.

I sit watching the new day unfold, thinking my own thoughts. Delightful. I take time to meditate. To breathe. To be. I listen to huge flocks of geese passing overhead, and traffic whoosh past on the highway beyond the marsh. I breathe, exhale, and relax, and fill my attention with here, now. It’s lovely. On the pond’s edge, opposite where I am perched on this fence rail, nutria go about the business of being nutria. A youngster eyes me curiously and begins to makes it’s way nearer to me. The mother looks up, attentive, and some sound I don’t hear, or movement I don’t see, calls the youngster back to its mother. A small brown bird scratches in the leaf litter at the side of the trail. None of this is “news”, and all of it is more relevant to this moment of being, for me, as an individual.

I think of things my beloved Traveling Partner has said recently, about what is within our control, and how he seeks to manage stress through selective attention, relevance, and perspective. He’s right, too, and these are also things that have been emphasized in therapy over the years. Trying to control what we don’t have control over, and trying to fix things outside the scope of what we can directly act upon drives a lot of needless stress. Hell, even trying to have an opinion about something we just don’t actually know anything about adds to our stress! It can be a very stressful experience, this human experience. It is true that most of our suffering and stress are self-imposed, too, making it both “easy” to resolve, and also quite difficult.

(I didn’t say I had this solved, I’m just thinking about it.)

I sigh quietly, still managing to startle a chipmunk I hadn’t seen approach. I laugh merrily to see her dart away speedily, tail up. I smile toward the sky as I get to my feet to begin again. It’s a new day.

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Categories 2024 Election, Allegories, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5, War and News of War, Words

Picture This

November 4, 2025 //
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I take a lot of pictures. I mean, since I got my first camera with a phone in it phone with a camera feature, I do. That was back in… 2010? I guess so, that sounds about right. The same year that I got together with my Traveling Partner. Wow. 15 years ago, I got my first smartphone with a camera. I still love “real photography”, but film and film processing were crazy expensive, and my tendency to take a lot of pictures to get one good shot made 35mm photography too costly to bother with, other than vacations and occasions. Now, I am out and about everywhere with a good quality camera in my hand. “A picture is worth a thousand words” is a common enough saying. It’s harder to describe a thing than to see it first hand and “get it” in a glance. Not only that, there are so many interesting and useful metaphors that can be found in an image, and so many interesting sights to see that I might want to look at longer or really study! So, yeah, I take a lot of pictures.

Autumn leaves on the lawn after a rainstorm.

…I am not “a photographer” in any but the most literal sense of “a person who takes photographs”, at least “photographer” is not part of my own sense of identity. I’m an artist, and writer, and even a poet… but my artistic endeavors are generally to do with paint or pastels, my writing is… right here… and my poetry… yet to be published because I am just that g’damned lazy. lol I truly do like things “easy” as much as possible, and I am prone to walking away from an unfinished project entirely if I am too frustrated by it. I’m not bragging – I consider my laziness a pretty noteworthy character flaw, frankly. But, and this is maybe more important, I also recognize how incredibly tired I often am, and how relatively unimportant some projects actually are, and I do try to put self-care ahead of “busy work” as much as possible. The woman in the mirror is generally doing her best to balance the demands of adult life with the needs of her “inner child” in a way that feels successful, reasonable, and productive. I sip my coffee and think about that for a few minutes. I am taking this time for me.

Halloween is over, and all the pumpkins go on clearance. Is there a metaphor here?

I breathe, exhale, and relax. Busy work day ahead. I got the rest I needed, but I am definitely yearning for more sleep. I chuckle to myself – humans are weird. I catch myself daydreaming about sleep, as I sip my morning coffee. A new morning, a new day, a new beginning – sleep is not even on the agenda for many hours to come.

Small town living, dressed up for the holidays ahead.

I let my mind wander to the holidays ahead. The stores are already full of Giftmas merchandise, and online retailers are already making their “Black Friday Deals” known. I’m not generally interested in Black Friday shopping because it’s typically limited to heavily advertised, marked-up goods that get marked down ahead of the holidays so the sales feel “special”, and the intent is to drive people to buy a lot of stuff they may not even actually need, but the price looks like a deal (and in difficult times, that’s quite a lot of incentive to buy). Mass-market trade goods of various sorts are not usually what I’m looking for, so the Black Friday hoopla is not “for me”. I’m okay with paying a reasonable price for the things I actually want or need, and shopping with intention and care in local shops.

…G’damn things are expensive right now, though, aren’t they? Fuuuuuuck…

I feel my anxiety level begin to rise, thinking about money. That’s not strange. I suspect most people are anxious over money matters these days. Furloughs, lay-offs, unpaid involuntary labor (um… isn’t that “slavery”?) – with the government shutdown lasting weeks, folks are not just feeling a pinch because there’s a gap in their pay – they are facing real hardships, because there’s no money for food, heat, rent, bills, medical care… you know, life. It’s hard to believe that something as fucking stupid as partisan loyalties to political parties is enough to pit Americans against each other, most especially when their fucking job is running the g’damned government. Assholes. (Sorry, this really vexes me, I guess. You, too?)

Happy holidays may be ahead; you have choices.

I sigh to myself. I love the winter holidays so much. I love the lavish sparkle of lights and ornaments, and the festive packages under the tree. It’s not so much about the money, though it does come at a cost each year, it’s purely about the delight. My Traveling Partner and I have already discussed setting clear limits and scaling way back this year, due to the high cost of … everything. That doesn’t subtract from the joy or the warmth or the delight, just means finding the shining center of that holiday spirit in something other than purchased goods. Easy enough. I’ve got recipes – books and books of them – and the basic ingredients for holidays baked goods are available, and mostly sort of affordable, with wise decision-making. It’s certainly not a good year for careless spending. (Maybe it never is?)

I think about my disappointment when I saw that the assorted old-fashioned glass Shiny Brite ornaments are all marked “made in China”. I remember when that was not the case. I remember buying beautiful glass ornaments that were made in Germany, in the Czech Republic, and in Pennsylvania. I sigh to myself. Fortunately, I’ve got so many ornaments already that there simply is no reason to buy more, other than to commemorate the year, and my beloved Traveling Partner has been making those for us each year for a few years now. 😀 Nothing lost, and my moment of disappointment is built on nostalgia, not any kind of legitimate hardship or change that affects me in some practical way. I let it go.

I look over other pictures of recent things and places, and smile. It’s nice to hold on to a memory in the form of a photograph. It feels so real.

Places and memories, captured in photographs.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. I sip my coffee and think my thoughts. I prepare for the day ahead. It’s time to begin again.

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Categories 2024 Election, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, joy, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, Words

Resilience In Practice

October 25, 2025 //
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I woke later than usual. It was almost 05:00 when I woke. I felt rested and positively merry. I dressed to head out for my morning trek down the marsh trail that circles the nature park.

As I checked the weather, and the time, I see I’ve got a message from my beloved Traveling Partner. The love and concern in his words is clear. He suggests I keep my walk short, maybe local, and proposes I maybe stay home entirely and get my miles on the elliptical, while watching a favorite show. He proposes that we could do something together, later, an idea that appeals to me. I feel loved. I sit with that feeling for a moment, letting it fill my consciousness.

The idea of a shorter walk and better self-care is a tempting idea, for sure, I admit. I really like being out on the trail, though, enjoying the short quiet interval of solitude… and my walks at the nature park put me nearby a favorite grocery store, and I generally stop there after my walk on a Saturday morning… The temperature is mild… I head out, remembering my commitment to one of the grocery checkers to share some items my Traveling Partner made, and deciding to keep my walk short, any way.

The drive to the nature park was quiet. No traffic. I enjoyed it, smiling to myself as I drove with my thoughts, grateful for my loving partner who cares about my well-being, and for the lovely morning. Before I reach the nature park, it begins to rain, first just a sprinkle, then as I reach the trailhead parking, a proper steady rain. I grimace, and laugh, betting my Traveling Partner had checked the weather report more closely than I had.

Now I sit, waiting for a break in the rain. I’m unbothered and relaxed. Hadn’t I already decided to make my walk a shorter one, anyway? No stress. No agitation. Just change. I breathe, exhale, and relax, listening to the rain on the roof of the car.

At its heart, resilience is simply that ability to bounce back in the face of change, uncertainty, emotional disregulation, or even trauma. Resilience needs development, as with things like muscular strength. Specific practices build resilience. Meditation, as a practice, helps build resilience. The practice of “taking in the good” is another that directly builds resilience. Forgiveness, as a practice, is another that contributes to resilience, by limiting how long our hurt feelings or injuries inflicted by another can dominate our thoughts. Practicing non-attachment and embracing related ideas such as impermanence, sufficiency, and building depth and breadth into our perspective on life, generally, are helpful for building resilience.

What’s it good for, though (resilience, I mean)? Why do I put so much value on it? Partly due to this; it improves pain management results.

Resilience let’s us bounce back and carry on, without becoming mired in our pain, sorrow, or anger. Resilience is that quality that gets us quickly past a difficult moment, and on to enjoying the next. Well-established resilience, over time, may become the difference between having some troubling mental health episode or meltdown, and simply acknowledging a difficult experience, dealing with it, and moving on with things calmly. I don’t know about you, but that sounds pretty good to me.

…So I practice…

Sometimes, I fall short of my commitment to one practice or another, but that’s also why I see such things as practices in the first place, instead of tasks to be checked off as completed, or skills to be mastered. Mastery is inconsequential. Practice is ongoing. It is a doing that doesn’t really finish. Each practice with real world value in my lived experience becomes a lifestyle change, over time. Each practice becomes part of my routine, and part of who I am. The result? I am more resilient. It becomes a character trait, and in that regard, it also becomes easier to maintain. Such results don’t mean no practice is required, just that the effort and will involved in the practice itself is greatly reduced. Sometimes, though, I still find myself not practicing some practice or other, through circumstances or forgetting. I’m human.

… I just begin again, and get back to practicing…

The rain stops, but it’s not yet daylight, and I’m not in a hurry. There’s no need to rush my walk, or hurry home to barge in on my beloved’s quiet time over his coffee first thing. I sit quietly a little longer. Daybreak soon, and I’ll walk the short loop, and watch the sunrise – then, I’ll begin again.

…It is a good day for self-care.

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Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, joy, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being

Something for Nothing

October 17, 2025 //
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Everyone is after “more for less”, “something for nothing”, or some sort of advantage. Everyone else (also) is looking to “make a buck”, or gain a personal advantage, or seeking to “get ahead”. It’s something to think about. The desire to profit, or to accumulate wealth (or power), drives a lot of human behavior.

…Let’s talk about “greed”…

When human beings strive, struggle, and yearn for something they don’t have, you might be inclined to think they would be satisfied once the need is met. That isn’t often how it goes though, is it? People pretty commonly seem to want more, different, other, or better. We have tendencies toward accumulating resources, even to the point of ruinous hoarding, sometimes money, sometimes empty cigar boxes or old magazines. It’s weird, isn’t it? Sufficiency – and being content with “enough” – seems to take as much (more?) practice as working to acquire more, and comes less naturally to many people. Is greed an inmate character trait that requires us to carefully teach children to share and to be modest about their relatives means in an unequal world, or is greed something we’re taught to see as having practical value in spite of being a distasteful character trait? I often wonder.

I’ve been poor (very). I’m not “rich” now. I am unlikely to achieve great wealth; I’m not chasing that dragon. I work (and I am grateful that I can). I enjoy small luxuries, but don’t lust after expensive sports cars, or haute couture clothing. I’m content with what I have, generally, and I am grateful and fortunate that when we bought our little house in the suburbs on the edge of Oregon wine country, my most profound material yearning was fulfilled. I have a home. I don’t also want or need diamonds or Louboutin shoes.

For me it is sufficient luxury to pay the bills, keep the pantry stocked, and be able to fill the gas tank of my car anytime, without having to double check my bank balance. I struggled enough through many years that I still see sufficiency itself as a luxury, in spite of very much wanting everyone to have enough, and feeling that this opinion is right and good. The resources of the world seem likely to be sufficient to provide enough for everyone, were it not for those few who aggressively secure the biggest possible piece of the pie for themselves. I frown, thinking my thoughts as I walk, before getting to my halfway point to stop, write, and reflect further.

Greed is a “question” for which I have no answer, aside from my own thoughts on it as a character quality (toxic, corrosive, terrible, wasteful, cruel, ugly), and my earnest desire not to be that, myself. Sufficiency feels like enough, generally. Oh, I’m not super human. I find myself prone to greed, too. It turns up in strange places – like Halloween – which is probably why it is on my mind.

It’s time to buy sweets for roaming goblin children and costumed tweens doing their best to look bored, and I will reliably buy too much, if history teaches me anything. It’s a mark of greed, and I recognize it in my fondness for the excess available in the overstuffed bowl of candy that will be by the door on Halloween. I like the having of too much. That’s greed. Not a good look, and a poor practice from a social perspective. I should not even be eating any of that crap myself, at all. It’s terrible for my health. The children will themselves model whatever lessons they have learned about greed or sufficiency, when they come to my door. Halloween is weird this way. Making it about candy in the first place was someone else’s greed, and here we are.

I think about it awhile longer. “Do better,” I tell myself silently. I sigh to myself. Enough is enough – that’s why we call it that. 😂 Humans are weird. You might think we’d do more to ensure our own lasting survival and to preserve the shared habitat we (and so many other creatures) call home. You’d be wrong. We are greedy and shortsighted.

I sigh again. Daybreak comes. I take a moment for gratitude. Even having enough may (can, often does) require a lot of work. I’m grateful for the job I’ve got. I’m grateful for the good night of sleep I got last night that will make the work day so much easier. I’m grateful for a partner who knows what he wants and understands the limitations of our resources. I’m grateful for this quiet time in the morning.

I breathe, exhale, and relax, and take time for meditation. Dawn comes. The sun begins to rise. I feel at ease and filled with contentment. It’s a nice starting point to begin again, and I am grateful for this too.

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, autumn, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, The Art of Being, Words
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