Archives for category: anger
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Hard is Hard; No Easy Answers, No Shortcuts

May 30, 2024 //
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I’m feeling aggravated. I’m awash in it. I’m maybe even… angry. Frustrated, certainly. Dealing with it? Meh. Mostly. The effort involved in maintaining appropriate emotional regulation at the “work day level” is… hard sometimes. Super hard. I resist the change in mood, in tone, in facial expression – but I feel those, and they’re real. I keep pulling my focus back to work; it’s what this portion of the day is for.

…Breathe… Exhale… Relax… Let it go… Begin again…

I just keep at it, but it sure isn’t “easy”. My patience is being thoroughly tested. My resilience challenged. Hard is… hard. This is that. Hard.

…We become what we practice…

I don’t practice calm to impress anyone. I practice calm to cultivate calm, and to build resilience, and just to be the woman I most want to be – she’s calm. Reliably so.

I breathe, and practice gratitude. I exhale, and practice empathy, kindness, consideration, understanding… Eventually, I’ll also relax. I keep at it. It takes practice.

“Emotion and Reason” 18″ x 24″ acrylic w/ceramic and glow details, 2012

Does it matter what I’m irked over? Nope. Not even a little bit. Does it matter who or what has provoked me? Barely at all – it’s the outcome that matters. The actions. The behavior. Dealing with the moment. The practices don’t change that much. The need doesn’t change that much. I feel some comfort knowing that continued practice reliably results in real change; we become what we practice. The journey is the destination – and in that sense, the practices themselves, and “doing the thing”, are what matter most. There are no shortcuts to being the person we each most want to be. There are practices involved. Verbs. Self-reflection. Awareness. There’s also acknowledging failures, and making amends. There is beginning again.

My irritation (and my anger) are real. Feelings are not our enemy. It’s still most critical to behave in the way that is most appropriate. Most… “right”. (Which is ridiculously subjective, since we’re each having our own experience. No easy answers.) I breathe, exhale, and relax. Cheating myself of self-awareness with regard to my emotions doesn’t get me anywhere good. It’s just not helpful. Neither is lashing out at someone else. Just, like… ever. It’s just not worthwhile. Sure, it’s possible to come back from it, to sort it out and make it right, but… the damage is done. The damage lingers. The scars remain. We pick up baggage over a lifetime – setting it down and moving on can be hard.

…We become what we practice…

I sigh quietly. I set work aside for the moment, because I’m just too g’damned angry to focus or do good work. I breathe. Exhale. Relax. Take a few minutes to jot down some words, and “get things off my chest” (but without “venting” some ridiculous quantity of anger into shared space, potentially wrecking someone else’s experience; the science is in, “venting” doesn’t reduce anger). A few moments. A few words. I make room for self-care – because, frankly, as an adult, who else is actually going to care for me? Sometimes the only person available is going to be me. I’m always “here”. I can at least do myself the favor of being my own best friend, and “being here” in a real way for myself in some challenging moment.

What are you practicing? Does it keep you on the path of being the person you most want to be? Do you respect your choices and the way you treat people? It’s worth considering what you practice – particularly with regard to anger. Feelings are feelings – what you do to express them matters. Once they’re “out in the world”, they affect other people every bit as much as they affect you.

…I remind myself that having the perspective that a given bit of behavior is “understandable” or “excusable under the circumstances” or mitigated by some set of conditions or circumstances doesn’t make it desirable, or what I want or expect of myself. I give some thought to what I expect from myself – and what I want from myself – and then I begin again. It’s a journey. Change takes practice.

…Breathe…Exhale…Relax…

Practice.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, breathe, Free Will, Frustration, meditation, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Moving On, Moving In

May 29, 2024 //
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I’m taking some time at the end of an endless seeming day (it’s this headache is all, it’s very tedious) to tinker a bit with the new OS on my desktop PC. I’m tickled by its speed – pretty snappy – and how intuitive (generally) it is to use. Win. I’m spending a few minutes getting “moved in” and figuring out some essentials (like importing passwords and bookmarks, setting up a new browser, and various sorts of housekeeping details to make this space feel more like… “home”). I’m no expert. I’m just mucking about with things that are low risk/high reward… pairing my elegant Bluetooth keyboard, restoring bookmarks for sites I visit often, and hey – even writing a short blog post to “get the feel” of this new “place” where I may be spending quite a bit of time…

I learn a few things about my new OS as I noodle around. Hell, I learn some things about other apps I use – and a few I’d rather not be using at all (looking your way, MS Office, and Google Photos). I find myself “falling in love” all over again with a couple apps that suddenly work so much better on this OS than on a Windows OS (don’t bother me with Apple notions, I’m not into it). It’s a fun adventure – and surprisingly low stress. I don’t know whether to attribute that to my Traveling Partners expertise and willingness to help any time – or personal growth of some sort, but here I am – having a good time, getting some things done. Neat.

I find myself working on exporting photos that currently live on Google Photos… the time has come to move away from that monstrosity in favor of something more secure and more private. 😀

…My Traveling Partner calls to me from the other room, seeking some assistance (out of reach tools that I’m happy to bring to him). Somehow it turns into me getting yelled at, after I ask a clarifying question. Between my headache making me potentially kind of dumb (though still eager to meet the need), and his condition recovering from a procedure making him potentially more easily frustrated (although appreciative of my help), tempers flare. I walk away, returning to the quiet of my studio, and this purposeful activity that is somehow much less fun, now. I try not to linger in this shitty moment – it’s hard.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s probably time to make some dinner and begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, Love, Metaphors, Moments, pain, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Moving Right Along

May 27, 2024 //
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G’damn, yesterday kind of sucked. I was in so much pain that managing it required more effort than usual and I ended up spending a notable portion of the day just laying down. I didn’t get shit done… like,  not anything, beyond making waffles for breakfast. Today I’m in less pain (so far), but my allergies are bad. I’ve already gone through an entire travel pack of tissues, and I’ve only been awake an hour and a half.

Yesterday didn’t go all that well, generally. Between my pain, my Traveling Partner’s pain, and various complications of managing chronic pain day-to-day, the result was an unfortunate amount of poor communication, inadequate mood-management, and vexatious terseness with each other that was the opposite of “getting along”. I’ve rarely felt so unwelcome in my relationship. I’m definitely not casting any blame; neither of us was up to delivering our best in the way of support,  encouragement, kind words, affection, or even a welcoming presence,  like, at all. It was unpleasant, but could have been ever so much worse. I sometimes wonder if we (either or both of us) fail ourselves – and each other – by being too tolerant or accommodating of poor behavior because we do both know just how much worse it so easily could be, because we’ve both had those other much worse experiences in prior relationships…? We for sure could potentially have done more, better, to treat each other well yesterday. We didn’t. We’re both quite human. It was on my mind when I woke this morning, and as I dressed and slipped out of the house with as much consideration for my partner’s sleep as I could muster.

I went to bed feeling frustrated and a bit peeved. I woke feeling only concern and love, and wanting to soothe my partner and invest positive emotional energy in the day ahead. Here’s hoping that works out for us both.

New day, new perspective, new opportunity.

I hit the trail feeling hopeful and stronger than yesterday, and substantially recovered from the exertion of my camping trip, and subsequent return. I feel up to tackling a good couple miles along the river and the edge of the marsh, and feel optimistic about following through on my list of shit yet to do, before the new week begins. Feels pretty good – definitely better than yesterday!

At my turn around point I sit for a few minutes listening to the birds and breezes, and the traffic in the distance. Memorial Day. Hey, I’m not feeling weighed down by grief and grieving, this year… remarkable. I sit with my feelings awhile. Gratitude and a moment to contemplate those who have fallen, with fond thanks, and soft sorrow… seems enough this year. I’m okay.

I sigh out loud, and breathe the Spring air deeply, taking in the scent of flowers. I think about my Traveling Partner, still sleeping at home (I hope), getting the rest he needs. The sun climbs higher, warming my shoulders as I sit, watching the river flow past. I hope today is mellow and cheery and relaxed. We both need that visceral experience of being wrapped in love and in the good company of someone dear to us. I’ll do my best to deliver… painfully aware that “my best” yesterday was not even close to “good enough”. How do I make ammends for my part in yesterday’s unsatisfying experience? I sit with my thoughts awhile longer…

I hear voices approaching from somewhere down the trail. Must be time to move on. lol I get to my feet, and prepare to head back to the car, and on to the next moment. It’s already time to begin again. Hopefully my results today are better than yesterday… they do vary.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, grief, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Spring, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Sun Shining in My Eyes

May 10, 2024 //
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This morning the sun is shining in my eyes, though I’ve lowered the window shades to cut the glare. The season continues to evolve, Spring towards summer, and here I am with the sun in my eyes on a lovely Spring morning. I’m grateful. I don’t even mind the sun in my eyes. 😀

Small wins can make big differences. My appointment yesterday had a pleasant outcome; I don’t need surgery for a thing that seemed quite a big deal (to be something so small)… and as it turns out, it’s not something I need be worried about (at least for now, and maybe not at all). Win. I’ll take it. 😀 I sip my coffee with the sun shining in my eyes, feeling grateful. No surgery looming over me. Nice. I even had a very good experience with the medical care, and the physician, generally – I’m making a point to pause to appreciate that, because it hasn’t always been the case, at all, and I’m still dragging around some baggage over that.

I sigh and smile to myself. Feels like a good morning. It’s Friday, and it’s a short work day. I’ve got a manicure appointment at noon, and then home to start the weekend. Feels good. I sit with the good feelings awhile – there’s definitely value in staying with the good feelings for a little while. I think most of us don’t even notice the way we linger in our shittiest moments, reviving them for further scrutiny over and over again (as if that’s at all helpful), then just glossing over our moments of joy and contentment as though these fleeting moments somehow have less value than the shitty ones. (Maybe don’t do that, eh?) When I finally did learn how much value there is in lingering over my small joys and simple moments of contentment or delight, and learned to savor what is good in my life, the way my life felt overall changed a lot. Instead of a fairly miserable experience of existence pocked with occasional relief that felt both too-brief, and also likely to be “a trap” setting me up for future worse misery, my life became characterized by calm and contentment, with occasional experiences of sorrow, grief, frustration, or anger. Disappointment became… a moment. Anger became… transitory. Life began to feel pretty good, generally. I still have to make a point to practice “taking in the good” and savoring the best moments my experience has to offer. I don’t avoid or dodge life’s challenges, or pretend I can “manifest” them away from being what they are – but I can cope, because I know they are temporary. Incremental change over time – becoming what I practice – has meant that my life is, day-to-day, pretty good these days. It’s nice. (10 out of 10; do recommend. lol)

How does a person even begin to make this transformation? I think it starts simply enough; anger does not easily compete with gratitude. When I find myself beginning to feel angry, I deliberately pause and consider what I’m grateful for in the situation I find myself in or with regards to the person I am angry with. It helps “turn down the heat” in that moment, and gives me a chance to regain perspective. Similarly, with sorrow, with disappointment… gratitude is a great way to balance perspective. It’s not about “faking it”; there are often legitimate details in a challenging circumstance that we may feel grateful for, if we just take a moment to consider it from that perspective. Anxiety and fear work a little differently (for me), instead of gratitude, I reach for my curiosity, and my desire to know more and understand more deeply. The point, really, is to spin the difficulty such that I’m not mired in what is most difficult, so much as viewing it through the lens of other aspects of that experience – or making a point to deliberately consider something else altogether different, that brings other emotions into play, “unsticking me” from my hurt, my anger, or other similarly painful, harder to manage, emotional experiences.

…Our emotions are not the enemy…

…And “being emotional” is not an insult. The hidden win is to develop “emotional intelligence” and reliably good skill at appropriate emotional regulation (which can be developed… it takes practice).

I smile and sip my coffee. I take a moment to enjoy my breakfast salad (how did this so easily become “a thing”? Why haven’t I always done this? I feel so good in the mornings these days…). Another weekend already here… and that means another shot (Ozempic), another weigh-in, another opportunity to reflect on progress and become aware of slow steady change. I’m counting down the days to my camping trip, too… that’d be 9 days to go, now. 😀

What defines a luxury?

I make time for early morning conversation with my Traveling Partner. We talk about the deck (needs repairs) and the hot tub (older and super noisy), and the discussion quickly becomes the sort of productive strategy and planning conversation that really brings a new project to life… we decide to shut down the hot tub “permanently” (this one, at least), in favor of removing it and replacing it after the deck is repaired (rebuilt) with improved quality of life features in mind. These are things we’d talked about when we bought the house (4 years ago), but other things (reasonably) had to come first (like the roof). Homeownership has so many qualities I love over renting – “a place of my own” being top of my personal list there – and I do love the flexibility to change things as we’d like, but … damn… so much adulting required, and effort, and commitment, and time, and money… and… I’m okay with all of it. It’s exciting and satisfying, as each project begins and finishes. My Traveling Partner has great ideas and the skills needed to bring this to life. I’m eager to help, and see how things turn out. I’m definitely a fan of replacing the hot tub with a more energy efficient, quieter model. (I’ll bet the neighbors will be too; this old thing is super noisy!) Having a hot tub feels almost non-negotiable for me at this point, though… I get so much value out of it (pain relief, improvement mobility), now we’ve just got to sort out the details…

My thoughts wander from the here and now to a future I can see but can’t touch (yet). I feel hopeful – for a lot of reasons – and grateful. It’s a good feeling. I feel wrapped in love, and fortunate to have a really good partnership that enhances my life. I’m ready to begin again. 😀

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Spring, The Art of Being, weight loss secrets

A Struggle With Discontent

May 8, 2024 //
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I woke feeling vaguely irritated and feeling discontented and annoyed in advance of any annoyances. Rude start to the day. I woke feeling dissatisfied… with… life? That seems pretty fucking silly, all things considered, and I spent the drive to the office turning it over in my head. There’s a song that somehow seems to fit, though I haven’t yet pinned down why that is. It’s not a new song, nor a song I’ve listened to recently… it just “speaks to me” in this peculiar moment of discontent and aggravation.

…There’s nothing “wrong” with the moment or day, so far…

…I’m just feeling annoyed. It would be much easier to deal with this and put it to rest if I understood why.

I sigh and take a breath, and exhale, and relax, letting my shoulders drop, and my jaw unclench. Weird morning.

This life of mine is perhaps not the problem at all… could be I’m just feeling the weight of the world this morning. That’s baggage no one can carry for long. I sigh again, burdened by this all too human struggle. I reach for a song that sings to a different tune, hoping to change my mind. Feelings of discontent can become corrosive, left to build and become attached to something real… That’s not an experience I enjoy. I keep “setting down my baggage” and trying to restart my moment from a new perspective.

…I find myself missing a dear friend I’d have gone to for conversation and perspective in a moment like this, and my eyes fill with tears. …There’s a hole in my heart… We are mortal creatures. I suddenly feel “wrapped in loneliness” on top of feeling discontented. Shit. That’s not what I was going for at all. (Change is.)

G’damn… I guess I really need to get away from “all of it”… except… I’m relentlessly aware that I’ll be dragging the shit griefing me most right along with me wherever I go. Fucking hell. I guess I’m just feeling low this morning. 😦 I wipe the tears off my cheeks and remind myself “this too will pass” – change is.

I sigh again (it’s just that kind of morning, I guess), and hope that my Traveling Partner got the rest he needed, and hope to get myself sorted out before the day ends – I’d definitely rather not drag this shit home with me at the end of the day.

I’m looking forward to my camping trip. Life is feeling way too busy and complicated lately, and I’m exhausted on this whole other level. Wrung out from day-to-day routine effort and the emotional burden of being a human being in a world of chaos, violence, and petty ugliness – I need a break. What do I even do when I’m camping to get that “break”? I sit quietly a lot, listening to the breezes and watching small creatures living their lives. I sit watching the leaves flutter and the changing light filtered through the trees as the sun moves across the sky. I let my mind sort of “empty out” and “catch up” on all the shit I didn’t have time to consider more fully. I walk. I wander. I take pictures of things that catch my eye, and perspectives I might like to see again, some time later. I write, mostly poetry and bits of self-reflection. I read. I meditate. It’s not fancy, and it’s not complicated by “activities” in any planned way. I’m not trying to “occupy my time” – quite the opposite, actually, I’m trying to “rest my mind” and calm my heart. I don’t know a lot of ways of doing that, or any ways more effective than just… getting away, and giving myself time.

…Soon…

Isn’t it odd that we human creatures can find so much silly bullshit to feel vexed by or annoyed over, even in the context of a generally good life? It strikes me as quite strange and rather stupid that this is the case, and I find myself wondering what purpose such a thing may have served when we were more primitive creatures seeking to make our way in the world? I make a note to ask my therapist for his thoughts on these vague feelings of discontent, and how I can potentially make use of them more constructively – with fewer tears, less sorrow, and a whole lot less aggravating stupid emotional bullshit to wade through. I roll my eyes, even as I recognize that I’m being a little hard on myself; human is human. Sometimes it’s messy, and we don’t exactly teach “dealing with emotions” to children skillfully, such that they grow up with the tools to do the job well. I’m still learning… and somehow, I persist in thinking I should be past that by now… then remember, again, that the journey is the destination, and that the point seems to be the learning, itself.

…Another sigh. A sip of coffee. A glance at the clock. Well, shit. It’s time to begin again…

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, grief, loneliness, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, Spring, The Art of Being, War and News of War, women
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