I went to bed with a headache. I woke up with a headache. It’s not even unusual anymore, and as close to “permanent” as chronic seems to get. I mostly have this headache. It’s not what I want to have on my mind, this morning, but here I am sipping my coffee and thinking through (and about) this headache. Like so many things, it is what it is (nothing more, nothing less, and only that).
I breathe, exhale, relax. I double-check that I actually took my pain medication this morning; it does nothing much for the headache, really, but not taking it would definitely contribute to making the headache worse. I get up, stretch, get more coffee. The office coffee is pretty mediocre, but this morning it isn’t actually bad. That’s something. I take a minute to appreciate that, and to be grateful. How much longer will coffee even be affordable? Or… available at all? Will I live to see coffee fade into obscurity, a legengary delight of a bygone era? I know I’ll live to see it become more expensive, perhaps unaffordably so for someone of modest means, such as I am. What strange disturbing times we live in. It saddens me, and I let my sorrow and rage wash over me momentarily before I sigh and make a point to let it go. It’s a work day, there are other things that need my attention.
A shadow of myself.
Another breath, another moment, another thought. The morning sunshine casts my shadow on the bare wall beyond the desk. “Nothing to see here,” I chuckle to myself and my shadow.
…This headache, though…
Valentine’s Day is coming. I’ve said this about that. On the other hand, my beloved Traveling Partner actually has made a practice of getting me a gift and taking a moment to honor the sentiment of the day with me, every year for rather a long while. I enjoy that time together. I enjoy celebrating love in an authentic and romantic way. Last year was… not any of that sweet stuff. lol No idea why, it just wasn’t a great day. “Human” is not always easy and our path is neither paved nor even.
I sigh to myself. I’ve got a lot to be grateful for – even this headache does not diminish that. I sip my coffee grateful for love, most especially. (I wonder what my Traveling Partner got me for Valentine’s Day…?) I turn my thoughts to work. It’s time to begin again – already.
It’s a new day, a new opportunity, and a chance to begin again. There are choices, some with obvious options, some less so. There are unrepeatable unique moments to experience ahead. Change is, and that’s unavoidable, but it is also among the many choices. The menu of The Strange Diner is vast – far larger than anyone can experience in a single lifetime. What will I choose, today?
The dawn of a new day.
I watch the sky begin to lighten through a tear in the storm clouds overhead, waiting for enough light to walk the trail without a headlamp. Pleasant morning for it. Rain fell during the night, but it isn’t raining now. The morning is chilly but not freezing or icy. The air is calm, and the morning is a quiet one. I have the nature park to myself.
I sit with my thoughts awhile, refusing to linger over the larger concerns of the complete shit show that is currently our federal government, or the bullshit and corruption that follows putting petty billionaires in charge of it. It’s a mess and I can’t do much about it besides complain, and endure the next few years wondering how we’ll clean this mess up afterwards. Instead I focus my attention on the sky above me, the imminent dawn, and thoughts of friends, life, and love. Looks like I’ll have a four day weekend for Valentine’s Day. I sit wondering what to do with that to celebrate a partnership that is such a profound and positive experience in my life? It’s definitely worth celebrating…
The storm clouds overhead begin to take on a shredded appearance. Hints of pale blue and soft lemon yellow peer through the open spaces between the storm clouds as they begin to drift apart.
The stands of trees along the trail are silhouetted against the sky now, and I can see the trail. I sigh and rub the painful places of my neck, shoulder, and back, wherever I can reach, and lace up my boots. The walk may help some with the pain, though it often seems as likely to make it worse. Doesn’t matter. I enjoy the time walking with my thoughts. It’s a useful prelude to a new day. It’s already time to begin again.
This fragile human vessel is so… fragile. The biochemistry of life is complicated. Maslow’s hierarchy is worth keeping in mind. Self-care really matters. Yesterday evening I “hit a wall” – low blood sugar, pain, fatigue, stress… rough. My Traveling Partner reminded me to slow down and care for myself, suggested having a snack while I was rushing around trying to end the day. He was right. It made a huge difference.
I’m thinking about it now as I deal with my physical pain on a rainy day and deal with the background stress of the constant swirling discussion of stressful government madness. I breathe, exhale, and relax. I think about dinner. I look out the window at the rainy day. I remember to take pain medication. I drink water. I stand up and stretch and move around. I refresh the content of my thoughts with a pleasant distraction. Basic stuff.
It’s a gray rainy day. Not particularly cold, though it may be over the weekend. I sigh quietly and consider the imminent end of the work day. I think about far away friends and wonder how they are. I think about my Traveling Partner at home, also dealing with pain. Pain sucks. Still… it could be worse. The office is comfortably warm, and home will be as well. That’s no small thing. I think about dinner, again, and wonder if maybe pizza would be good…?
I smile to myself, grateful for what I’ve got, and what works. Hopeful, because that feels better than despair. There are verbs involved – and a lot of those have to do with self-care. So, I do a few of those things, and look forward to a hot shower after I get home. That’ll feel nice… a good way to begin again.
Used to be I had major issues with sound sensitivity, particularly in the voice frequency range. That seemed to be so much less problematic the last couple years, since shortly before the pandemic, I think. I never stopped to wonder why; I attributed that change to progress through therapy. Seemed obvious. Now I’ve got these hearing aids, and my sound sensitivity is back. lol Apparently I’d just been losing my hearing in the voice frequency range. LOL G’damn it.
I’m laughing over it more than anything else. Cosmic humor for those inclined to perceive (or create) a god. Last night I went to bed just a bit early, deeply fatigued from fighting to stay relaxed and merry in spite of my serious annoyance over “every little thing” to do with a variety of human sound effects that sourced with the human beings in the room with me. It wasn’t personal. Hell, it wasn’t even out of the ordinary – it was merely audible in a whole new way. I’ve got my hearing back, so it should have been predictable that I would also regain some measure of my sound sensitivity, and irritation to do with chomping, lip-smacking, slurping, clanging of dishes and utensils, banging of dishes and pots, stomping of feet, forced laughter, dealing with congestion, needlessly loud remarks when I’m listening to something else… all the regular human stuff. Fucking hell human beings are ridiculously noisy. I made the mistake of mentioning it aloud with some surprise at the observation, and instead of any sympathy whatsoever, what I got from the Anxious Adventurer (and primary source of most of the noise) was “maybe you should turn your hearing aids down”? (“How about maybe you try to be a little quieter – or at least show some fucking consideration and understanding, ffs?” Was my unstated response.) I was surprised at the callous disregard for my experience, and my somewhat hurt feelings and notable irritation were a major part of deciding to go to bed. I just didn’t feel like dealing with being treated dismissively in my own house by a human being who I expect to care about my experience at least a little bit and who receives a fuck-ton of consideration from me day-to-day.
…I may still have some unresolved feelings about this, apparently, I should deal with that. (So much for mostly laughing about it!)
I sigh to myself. The Anxious Adventurer may legitimately “not get it”, and is in some regards still half-feral. I remind myself to be patient and kind, and to coach more often than I snarl.
So. Yeah. There’s that. It’s otherwise quite a pleasant morning. I woke up a few minutes ahead of my artificial sunrise, feeling rested and cozy and warm. My morning routine was… routine (hearing aids and all). The drive to work was pleasant and uncomplicated, and traffic was light. The office is comfortably warm and quiet. The details of the day ahead seem well-planned, and I feel relaxed and confident. All things considered, a very good day for this one individual human being.
I made the mistake of peeking at the news headlines. This terrifying new administration is already getting going with excessive zeal with their attack on immigrants, without regard to the rights of citizens, military veterans, or consideration of basic human decency – it’s appalling, and shameful. Attacks on the basic human rights of women are already beginning. Attacks on the fundamentals of democracy itself, too. The whole thing is a grotesque mockery of anything to do with America. I don’t know what I expected, and I guess I’m not surprised; when someone tells you who they are, believe them. The voters knew they were electing a misogynist xenophobic criminal fraudster in November, and they did it anyway. Horrifying, yes. Shocking, maybe. A surprise? No, not really. Maybe we’ll learn something and start providing education in emotional intelligence, and critical thinking, in K-12 education after this mess is sorted out? At least that ignorant huckster in the President’s office isn’t fucking immortal. (Note to self: don’t read the news. You know it’s terrible, already. Definitely don’t read the comments – that’s where the trolls live.)
Seriously. Just don’t. 🙂
I breathe, exhale, and relax and let that shit go. I pull myself back to this “now” moment, this place, this time. I’ve got enough to do in front of me, and plenty to take care of without getting myself all stirred up over things I can’t fix or prevent. That won’t stop me from being compassionate, aware, or speaking up when I see this bullshit going on. I make a note on my calendar to write to my elected representatives – that’s still a step worth taking, though it often feels futile. I stay committed to being frank about my thoughts on these trying times with friends, neighbors, even casual strangers when the topics come up. I refuse to pretend I don’t care, or to stand silent in the face of cruelty and injustice. I’m just not okay with that.
Another breathe. Another moment to relax and bring myself back to “now”. Trying times. I smile to myself, and give myself a moment of compassion. I’ve seen a lot in 61 years, and some of it has been bad. This too shall pass. For real; change is.
I take a phone call. Finish my writing. Begin again.
I slept badly last night. I woke to the full brightness of my artificial sunrise (which usually wakes me much sooner, in soft dim light). My routine was thrown off by the addition of putting in my new hearing aids, which I’m not yet super skilled at, and doing it felt clumsy. My long hair and glasses complicate that a bit; it’s necessary to brush my hair before I put in my hearing aids – but brushing my hair is often “the last thing I do”, and I’d set things up such that the hearing aids were “too soon” in my routine (thinking I’d put them in right after I put on my glasses). lol Being fond of routines and habits has a downside; the plan needs to account for the realities of my lived experience. So. I found myself mentally rearranging my morning routine – during my morning routine – and the end result was that I forgot my computer glasses when I left for work. Fucking hell.
…The hearing aids work very well, though, so there’s that…
The drive to the office was ordinary enough, though I’m still getting used to the “convenience” of hearing things so differently. Even car sounds, like the seatbelt warning ding, are quite different, and not just “louder”. Interesting. It’s somewhat similar to the experience of getting new glasses after needing glasses for awhile. There’s a certain awe and wonder to the level of additional detail. (I also need new glasses…)
When my Traveling Partner wakes and sends me a text message, the notification reaches me through the hearing aids, which are paired with my phone. I rather stupidly had the volume almost all the way up, because without the hearing aids, that’s what it took to get my attention – and I still missed tons of messages, because I just wasn’t noticing the notifications. Well, that’s not a problem now! I chuckled and turned the volume way down, fairly delighted that I can stop compulsively checking for missed messages, now, being able to count on hearing the notification each time.
…Pretty mundane stuff, eh?…
I sip my coffee and take a moment for myself before I start getting caught up on work. My back aches in spite of taking pain medication for that. I shrug to myself grateful that I’m not yet experiencing eye strain from wearing the wrong glasses. It’s a very human experience. This fragile vessel isn’t in the shape it once was, and various components are needing attention, or assistance. My thoughts wander briefly to “how much longer?” but I don’t linger there – I know I won’t live forever, but I’ve no desire to drag the end closer to my “now” moment. I hear the phrase “death and taxes” in my thoughts and roll my eyes; it is time to do the taxes. Apparently I’d rather think about death. LOL Humans are weird. I breathe, exhale, and relax. This moment here, with my coffee and my inbox, is quite enough for now. I pull my attention back to “now”.
It’s still quite early, and I have the office to myself for the time being. It’s pleasantly quiet, although it sounds quite different in many little ways. I listen to the ventilation, the hum of distant machinery, and the subjective “silence” of this space. It’s not silent at all. It’s not even actually “quiet” – I just perceive this experience as “quiet” because it is not filled with the chaos of human voices. I sip my coffee, content and grateful. This is enough – even with the wrong glasses on. 😀 I look out the window into the pre-dawn darkness. Daybreak soon. I turn off the office light, too better see the day begin. The light of my monitors is enough to work by.
I feel incredibly grateful and fortunate. I’ve got a partnership I can count on, with a human being I quite adore. I’ve got a good job that keeps the bills paid, and the pantry stocked. I’ve got decent healthcare, and what it doesn’t cover is mostly handled by the VA when I need something more. I’ve got good friends and good colleagues. I’ve got this pleasant moment right here, and the hope that I’ll see many many more. It adds up to a pretty good experience. I sit with that awareness awhile. It’s been a worthy journey so far – and there’s further to go.
Evening Light 