Archives for category: Post Traumatic Stress

Each day as I begin the work day, I make a short list of my highest priorities. It’s generally a combination of items from the team’s project board, and items I have tagged for later from emailed requests and things communicated over messaging apps. Easy. My list is intended to help me focus. I follow a similar practice on weekend days, and on vacations. I make a list. I get things done. I check them off the list. This is a practice intended to limit distractions, and keep me focused on the things I want most to accomplish on a given day. Seems simple enough, and over a lifetime of practice (with making lists), it has generally served me well…only… there are some exceptions.

… When the list is too long, I sometimes find myself stalled, feeling overwhelmed. I don’t end up getting much done, at all.

… When the items on the list are poorly chosen in some way, I sometimes feel as if I’ve “gotten nothing done” that needed doing, in spite of possibly having worked down the list quite efficiently. I may have gotten things done, but the things I got done weren’t what most needed my attention that day.

… When I become distracted in the moment by some conversation or task that seems more interesting, I sometimes find that I’ve entirely failed to get the things I had identified as important completed at all. Maybe I still get things done, but likely not the things I intended to focus on.

I guess my point is that making a list isn’t enough. There’s a measure of discipline involved in staying focused on priorities identified in advance. There’s a matter of will (even just to keep going at all some days). Then, too, there’s the matter of boundary setting and preserving capacity to do the things that most want doing, and limiting distractions by maintaining strict focus on the task(s) at hand. There’s just more to it than a list.

Yesterday, my day quickly skittered sideways. This morning, my plan as I begin the day is quite precisely what it also was yesterday, because yesterday the items on my list sat untouched and unnoticed all g’damned day. I’m more than a little irritated with myself. I breathe, exhale, and relax. Wasting time being annoyed by a moment in the past that can not be changed in the present is pretty silly and pointless. I made choices. Like it or not, that was in my hands, entirely. This morning, I have a new day ahead of me, and a new opportunity to work down yesterday’s list – all of which is now ever so slightly higher priority even than it was yesterday. lol I sigh to myself and look over my plan for the day. I’ve got this – if I stay focused, and work with purpose.

…Discipline is a practice…

Funny thing, the discipline I bring to simply working down a list of projects and tasks on a work day is the same discipline I may need to fall back on in some moment of chaos. Practicing that discipline is multipurpose: it gets work done today, in the moment, and also builds both resilience and further discipline for those moments ahead when I may earnestly need (and value, and benefit from) that long-practiced discipline. Handy. Here’s the thing, though, we become what we practice. If I fail to continue to practice that small amount of discipline it takes to stay focused on a selected priority on a given day, over time my ability to be disciplined, at all, ever, will diminish, until I find that I lack the discipline to follow a list, to stick with a commitment, to complete a project that needs to be finished but isn’t very interesting, to run errands purposefully without detours, or even to answer a simple question with a simple answer. Fuck. Being human is complicated sometimes.

…Have you noticed that you have less discipline, yourself, since you began using a smart phone, or relying on Alexa, or using an LLM like ChatGPT, or spending hours on one feed or another that pumps mindless repetitive slop into your staring eyes? I’m asking because it definitely seems like a common complaint these days, and I feel it myself. I personally don’t have the attention span to waste. I have so much to do, and so much life to live. I’m thinking about it this morning, because I’d like to avoid repeating yesterday’s reduced productivity, today, and that list of shit to do? It’s only going to get longer if I fall behind. Another common complaint is that it’s a busy world, but a considerable portion of what we think we’re busy with is entirely a waste of precious mortal moments. (That is something worth thinking about – are you spending your time the way you want to?)

That’s an entirely different question. I put it aside for another morning.

I’m not even sure, right now, what it is I do want to be doing. Probably not working. I’d like to take off for a few days on the coast to watch the king tides from the balcony of a beachside hotel, or pick a highway and drive for days until the view is so substantially altered it feels truly new. I’m not so deeply fatigued as I have been (it helped to take it easy for a couple days over the weekend), but I yearn for… something. Something new? Something different? Something… effortless? Something distracting. I laugh to myself; human primates reliably make a lot of their own problems, and then seem to complicate those problems quite deliberately. So weird.

I sip my iced coffee and think my thoughts. Making my plan for today was pretty easy; I copied it from yesterday, and then set myself an alarm. When that alarm goes off, I will get to work. One task, one project, one experience at a time, until the list is completed, and the day is at an end. It’s not fancy. There’s nothing mind-blowing about this approach. No novel buzzwords to market it with, it is what it is; discipline, and it requires practice. I sigh again in this quiet space. No distractions or interruptions to be found here. I think that makes it a good time to begin again. 😀

The wheel keeps turning. The clock keeps ticking. The going around keeps going around, and the coming around seems slow to arrive, but inevitably will come around. The grains of sand in our mortal hourglass keep trickling away. It is another new day, another new week, and another series of imminent moments to live, to savor, and to remember later.

… What will you do with your finite precious moments, today….?

Me? I’m starting with a walk. The trail is dark, and it rained through the night. The neighborhood that surrounds this trail is quiet. The darkness is illuminated by occasional lights, and the quiet is interrupted by the distant hum and whir of HVAC systems. Humanity exists here. I sigh and keep walking. “Peace and quiet” is relative, I guess.

I slept well and deeply. The weekend of much needed rest was a worthwhile deviation from more typical weekends, when I commonly swap “gainful employment” for the greatly appreciated, but wholly unpaid, domestic labor of errand running, housekeeping, grocery shopping, and caregiving. I’m both grateful and relieved that my Traveling Partner needs so little caregiving now, at all. As his capabilities around the house with day-to-day tasks continue to improve, my ability to cover “everything else” (more or less, most of the time) also improves. The shared effort is a quality of life improvement, and made it possible to just set stuff aside this past weekend and relax. I can’t easily describe how much more rested and able to focus I feel this morning. I definitely needed that restful time.

I breathe, exhale, and relax, smiling to myself and enjoy the lingering feeling of being loved.

The world looks different before daybreak.

I walked the wet trail carefully in the darkness. It is slick with wet leaves, and dotted with puddles. I playfully stomp through a puddle or two before a grown up sense of safety vs hazards catches up with my sense of whimsy. I slip, just once, nearly falling because I carelessly stomped a puddle that was full of slippery leaves. I catch myself, feeling a brief moment of embarrassment, although I’m alone on the trail this morning.

I get to my halfway point and stop to take in the scene, rest a moment, write and meditate. It has become a cherished routine. It begins to rain, softly, and I am grateful for the tree cover that keeps me mostly dry. Chilly morning, too, I think to myself. I’m grateful for the fleece over my sweater, and its warm deep pockets.

… Monday…

I’ve got no particular sorrow or stress over a Monday, these days. A work day is a work day. I smile in the darkness. I sit enjoying the moment. I’m ready for whatever is next, as the wheel continues to turn. I’m ready to begin again.

Metaphorically or in life, sometimes it is going to rain. Pretty much a certainty, actually, that at some point we’re going to get rained on as we journey life’s path. lol This morning the rain is quite literal. The weather forecast suggests it will lighten up enough to enjoy my walk sometime very soon, so I take a few minutes to write, and wait.

…I won’t be writing on the trail this morning, too wet…

I breathe, exhale, and relax. I slept well, and took yesterday pretty easy. I’m glad I did, and I am grateful to have had my Traveling Partner’s encouragement. I feel more rested, and my body feels more recovered from the previous week. It’s quite nice to take the weekend off for real, instead of swapping one sort of work for another.

Don’t forget to take breaks! Make that time for yourself even when life feels “too busy”. This fragile vessel needs that care from us, even while we’re caring for others. These finite mortal lives deserve our attention. The payoff is worth it.

I sigh contentedly, listening to the rain and watching daybreak come. I even slept in this morning. Feels good. I feel good. Another day of luxurious rest, and I’ll definitely be ready to begin again. 😀 I hear the raindrops slow down, and stop… I’m ready.

I woke later than usual. It was almost 05:00 when I woke. I felt rested and positively merry. I dressed to head out for my morning trek down the marsh trail that circles the nature park.

As I checked the weather, and the time, I see I’ve got a message from my beloved Traveling Partner. The love and concern in his words is clear. He suggests I keep my walk short, maybe local, and proposes I maybe stay home entirely and get my miles on the elliptical, while watching a favorite show. He proposes that we could do something together, later, an idea that appeals to me. I feel loved. I sit with that feeling for a moment, letting it fill my consciousness.

The idea of a shorter walk and better self-care is a tempting idea, for sure, I admit. I really like being out on the trail, though, enjoying the short quiet interval of solitude… and my walks at the nature park put me nearby a favorite grocery store, and I generally stop there after my walk on a Saturday morning… The temperature is mild… I head out, remembering my commitment to one of the grocery checkers to share some items my Traveling Partner made, and deciding to keep my walk short, any way.

The drive to the nature park was quiet. No traffic. I enjoyed it, smiling to myself as I drove with my thoughts, grateful for my loving partner who cares about my well-being, and for the lovely morning. Before I reach the nature park, it begins to rain, first just a sprinkle, then as I reach the trailhead parking, a proper steady rain. I grimace, and laugh, betting my Traveling Partner had checked the weather report more closely than I had.

Now I sit, waiting for a break in the rain. I’m unbothered and relaxed. Hadn’t I already decided to make my walk a shorter one, anyway? No stress. No agitation. Just change. I breathe, exhale, and relax, listening to the rain on the roof of the car.

At its heart, resilience is simply that ability to bounce back in the face of change, uncertainty, emotional disregulation, or even trauma. Resilience needs development, as with things like muscular strength. Specific practices build resilience. Meditation, as a practice, helps build resilience. The practice of “taking in the good” is another that directly builds resilience. Forgiveness, as a practice, is another that contributes to resilience, by limiting how long our hurt feelings or injuries inflicted by another can dominate our thoughts. Practicing non-attachment and embracing related ideas such as impermanence, sufficiency, and building depth and breadth into our perspective on life, generally, are helpful for building resilience.

What’s it good for, though (resilience, I mean)? Why do I put so much value on it? Partly due to this; it improves pain management results.

Resilience let’s us bounce back and carry on, without becoming mired in our pain, sorrow, or anger. Resilience is that quality that gets us quickly past a difficult moment, and on to enjoying the next. Well-established resilience, over time, may become the difference between having some troubling mental health episode or meltdown, and simply acknowledging a difficult experience, dealing with it, and moving on with things calmly. I don’t know about you, but that sounds pretty good to me.

…So I practice…

Sometimes, I fall short of my commitment to one practice or another, but that’s also why I see such things as practices in the first place, instead of tasks to be checked off as completed, or skills to be mastered. Mastery is inconsequential. Practice is ongoing. It is a doing that doesn’t really finish. Each practice with real world value in my lived experience becomes a lifestyle change, over time. Each practice becomes part of my routine, and part of who I am. The result? I am more resilient. It becomes a character trait, and in that regard, it also becomes easier to maintain. Such results don’t mean no practice is required, just that the effort and will involved in the practice itself is greatly reduced. Sometimes, though, I still find myself not practicing some practice or other, through circumstances or forgetting. I’m human.

… I just begin again, and get back to practicing…

The rain stops, but it’s not yet daylight, and I’m not in a hurry. There’s no need to rush my walk, or hurry home to barge in on my beloved’s quiet time over his coffee first thing. I sit quietly a little longer. Daybreak soon, and I’ll walk the short loop, and watch the sunrise – then, I’ll begin again.

…It is a good day for self-care.

The days have been sort of tumbling by in a blur. Some days I am so thoroughly exhausted by day’s end, I fall into bed feeling spent, and sleep overtakes me quickly. Other days, I make it to the end with enough left in the tank to prepare a pleasant meal, and even to enjoy it, and clean up afterwards. Regardless, and seemingly without any direct connection to my relative state of fatigue, I’m looking back on this blur of days and nights. The feeling of constantly scrambling to gain traction on a slick floor, or of treading water in the dark, describes it best, I guess.

I sigh to myself as I walk this trail in the darkness. Walking in the dark isn’t my preference, but it’s the time I have for it. Not walking isn’t an acceptable option (for me, in my opinion). There’s a metaphor in that, or perhaps a lesson.

I get to my halfway point before daybreak. No surprise there; I got an early start. My left hip aches, and it feels like arthritis pain. I frown to myself. I guess it could be worse. I distract myself , to avoid dwelling on pain. It isn’t helpful (at all) to let my pain occupy my mental space for long. Giving it that much attention tends to make it feel worse. I breathe, exhale, and relax, and redirect my attention to the strangely pink night sky. The clouds are illuminated by the community below, in the distance… but why pink? I think about it pointlessly awhile longer. A snapshot taken with my cellphone does not capture what my eyes think they see. There’s probably something worth reflecting upon in that experience, too.

…The pain I’m in persists in distracting me. I persist in letting that go…

I can’t make myself look at the news today.  It’s not worth the stress to be informed about the latest new way our government has found to cause needless suffering, or to find out how else government insiders and Trump cronies are picking our pockets to fill their own bank accounts. I don’t need to be told that another billionaire grifter or criminal has been pardoned; this is the era we are living in. It’s pretty fucking horrible. Reading more details about the same old shit doesn’t make it easier to accept – and not reading about it doesn’t stop the terrible degradation of our democracy, as it spirals into authoritarianism. If you have the means, it’s probably a good time to get out, and go somewhere safer.

I sigh again, and realize I was holding my breath – or at least not breathing. I sit for a few minutes, just breathing, and focused on my breath. It is too easy to let shit get to me, to let the stress and anxiety seep into my consciousness and wreck my mood. I inhale the mild autumn air, filling my lungs with it. I exhale, and let the stress leave my body along with my breath. No, it’s not “easy”, but it is a practice that can be practiced, and with practice it becomes easier over time. After some while, it becomes really effective. (Think in terms of months and years of practice, though, not minutes.)

I meditate, watching the treeline for the first hint of daybreak. I breathe, exhale, and relax, holding myself in this present moment. At least for now, there’s just this timeless moment of presence. I’m okay with that, it’s a pleasant moment, and for now I feel easy, and my heart is light.

Over the past 12 years of this blog, I’ve come so very far! I’m grateful. I’m not certain I could have endured the world as it is, where I was with myself, then. I was thoroughly mired in chaos and damage, and there was a long journey ahead of me before that would change in a notable way. I took it in steps, though, and I just kept at it, practicing practices, and walking my own path. I’ve learned some things along the way, about life, about love, and about finding meaning and a life worth living. It has been very much worth it.

So, no doom scrolling this morning, no news feed, just a woman, a trail, and a moment of pleasant solitude before dawn on an autumn Friday morning. Later, there is work to do, and there are errands to run. I’ll do my best with all of that, and that will have to be enough. In the meantime, I’ll enjoy the moment I’m in. Later, I’ll begin again.

I’m grateful for this pleasant moment, here, now… It’s enough.