Archives for category: Relationships

I get so much peace and clarity out on the trail. Any trail, really, whether new or familiar, it’s more about the walking, the seeing, and the thinking. Moments spent on self-reflection and contemplation are precious and often useful for finding (or creating) depth and breadth in my perspective.

… I keep walking…

A clear blue summer sky.

The tangerine sunrise gave the morning a lovely golden color, and as I drove to the trailhead I watched it develop, stretching over the horizon. The sun took me by surprise, briefly blinding me, seeming to pop up from behind distant hills without warning, a fiery orange. I arrived at the nature park, surprised by the dense mist clinging in the low places; it didn’t seem to have gotten cool enough for that, but there it was.

I walked with my thoughts until I reached a pleasant spot to linger, watching the Tualatin River flowing by. I don’t generally stop at this viewpoint, it’s often “crowded” (for some values of crowded, it’s a popular spot). I’ve got it to myself this morning, and I’m grateful for the shaded little bench. Comfortable. Protected from the heat of the day that hasn’t yet arrived. I remind myself not to linger too long – I plan to make banana bread before it gets too hot to have the oven on.

The world is a mess right now. People with power or vast sums of money are pretty commonly quite terrible and working aggressively to increase their power, clout, standing, or hoarded wealth as quickly as they can pry resources away from people who already have too little. Grim. America keeping immigrants and refugees in cages. Israel planning concentration camps for Palestinians who have (so far) survived genocide. Russia willing to slaughter every Ukrainian to the last standing in order to expand their real estate holdings. Chaos and bloodshed everywhere, and every single time there is some profit making endeavor involved. It’s grotesque. We could do so much better as human beings.

… I think about small ways I can do better, myself, to be the person I most want to be…

Who are you? Where does your path lead? Are you living a life that requires a ton of excuse making and rationalization? Are you defiant when someone knows more than you do? Are you smug when they know less? Are you kind, pleasant, and approachable? Are you building bridges or destroying them? Are you even paying enough attention in your own life to know who you are and why? These are questions worth answering – or at least asking and giving some thought to. You tell the world what your values are with your actions, wouldn’t it be wise to have some understanding of what you may be saying?

Are you being an unpleasant dick because you can’t be bothered to take a moment for human decency and basic consideration? (You’re not alone, if you are, but it’s a choice with consequences, and also likely to degrade the quality of your relationships.)

What are you doing to become the person you most want to be? Who is that? Have you figured that out?

The future is unwritten.

The sunshine of a new day stretches across the meadow. I look down the path ahead of me and consider the steps along this path. The journey won’t make itself. I have choices. My results will vary – but it’s my journey, my path, and my choices. Every step and every moment is a chance to begin again and to do better. I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s time to walk on. Time to begin again. I smile to myself and tell the woman in the mirror to go take a hike. The clock is ticking.

It’s rare to put things in order such that some need of my own really “comes first”. I usually put specific key responsibilities at the top of my list, obligations to home and hearth, family or colleagues, because doing the needful matters, and people are counting on me. Last night I chose to play a current favorite video game for a little while, instead of tidying up or hanging out with the family. This morning I’m writing before I do the budget (it’s a payday). Choices have consequences, and as I sip my coffee I find myself feeling like a jerk for putting myself first last night; I forgot to make tuna salad for my Traveling Partner, which he had specifically and fondly requested (he really likes the way I make it).

…Well, shit…

I sigh to myself and make a note to include an apology with my morning greeting, later. I could do better. Very human; my results vary. But, it’s also not helpful to kick myself over it for any length of time, once I’ve acknowledged my error, commit to making amends, and am ready to move on contrite over the miss, but also grateful that I did take a moment to treat myself well. I’ve just got to do a little better at balancing such things.

…I’ll keep practicing…

I sip my coffee listening to a bit of music, and getting my thoughts organized for the day ahead. The weekend is almost here. It’s a lovely summer day. I feel a peculiar pang of nostalgia for long lazy summer days of adolescence, hanging out at the edge of the woods with my boom box, listening to Atlanta Rhythm Section or Van Halen. Funny to feel it so sharply from this office desk, simultaneously feeling the gratitude and joy of living a substantially better life than I knew in those earlier times. Humans are weird. We cling so tightly to illusions of what was, forgetting for the moment the realities that hurt us so deeply. I guess it’s better than being mired in sorrow. I smile to myself, as I listen to a favorite song from a long gone time ago.

Another day, another set of choices, and new steps on this journey to becoming the person I most want to be. I know I can count on my results to vary, and I’m grateful for each new opportunity to begin again. Change is. This path definitely leads somewhere. I guess it’s time…

I chuckled when I read that Elon Musk is going to launch his very own political party, to give Americans a third option. It manages to come across more as a petulant tantrum than “news”. I laughed harder when Donald Trump retorted on social media (on a platform he, himself, owns – how is this shit newsworthy, at all?), like an angry teenager, that he doesn’t even care, because third parties can’t win (or words to that effect).

Firstly, and this is potentially unimportant, just a matter of accuracy, there are 11 political parties in the United States of America that are listed as “ballot-qualified” (but only two of those are qualified in all states). Musk launching a “third option” is actually much closer to launching a 12th, and then only if his new party manages to qualify for the ballot in more than one state. There’s a pretty good article on Wikipedia about political parties in the U.S., here.

Secondly, and this probably is important; the system for voting and elections in the U.S. has a near-certainty (just how the math works) of evolving into a two party system over time regardless how many parties it begins with, it’s just how “first past the post” voting works, and the electoral college does nothing to improve on that. A really fantastic breakdown of how elections and voting work, with a comparison of various systems, is available from CGP Grey. He breaks down the limitations of our present system nicely in this video – I definitely recommend watching this, and really thinking about how you vote, and why.

The “tl;dr”, I guess, is that it’s highly unlikely that yet another additional political party is going to produce great results come voting day; it’s the system (of government) itself that is broken, and not just the system of elections and voting we presently use, but also the system of ridiculously partisan special-interest and billionaire-focused decision-making used by our elected officials (in what way do billionaires “need” tax breaks but human beings don’t need affordable health care?). We could do so much better.

…Then… there’s this unavoidable fact; a great many people who don’t like Trump dislike Elon Musk just as much (or more), or don’t see much daylight between him and Trump’s swampy clown car of destruction, and have no interest in any political party established by Elon-fucking-Musk. I’m definitely among those. I don’t see the addition of a new party built on corruption, billionaire grifting, cruelty, racism, and sexism to be any sort of great opportunity for change. What change? It’s more of the same, from yet another out-of-touch asshole. No thanks.

Okay, so… it’s not even news, really, is it? New parties come and go. Assholes and grifters come and go. Hell, even ideologies come and go. Be alert. Think critically. Don’t get scammed.

I sigh to myself and let all that shit go. Knowing I would not ever join a political party founded by Elon Musk, and knowing there’s yet another 3 years of this Trump bullshit to endure, this garbage doesn’t even qualify as “news”, I suppose, and I’ve got a life to live, and things to do. I sip my coffee, and let my mind move on to other things, and this here and now moment – which is quite pleasant, and quiet. From my perspective, most days, the only party that actually “matters” is a party at home with friends in attendance for the pure joy of celebration. Our politics is a garbage heap. lol

“Local produce” – the vegetables from my garden just taste better.

It was a lovely weekend. I spent some of it gardening (carefully; I’ve still got the incision site on my finger carefully covered with a clean band-aid while it heals). I spent some of it hiking, cooking, doing a bit of housekeeping, napping, reading, and enjoying the companionship of my beloved Traveling Partner. It felt like a lazy weekend, but I managed to get most of the things I’d hoped to do done. The work week ahead looks like a routine one. The summer heat varies, some days quite hot, other days pleasantly warm without being terrible. I am grateful to have the Anxious Adventurer’s help; the lawn hasn’t died this summer, due to his care each day. Life being lived. I sip my coffee and consider how fortunate I am to live well at this point in my life, and what steps will take me into eventual retirement still thriving and living comfortably within my means? I know there are verbs involved, and I am grateful to have a partnership that encourages me day-to-day. We’re on a shared path, and I feel comforted by that even in these chaotic times.

…I sit smiling, gazing out the window onto a lovely summer morning, thinking about planning another camping trip, perhaps…? We had planned a family camping trip for this month, but my Traveling Partner is not yet quite up to it, although his recovery continues to progress. The Anxious Adventurer may use that reservation for a solo camping trip of his own – I find myself hoping he does, not because I want or need him gone from the house, but only because I think he’d enjoy that, and he’s worked hard over the past year. He could probably use a wee getaway to hike, take pictures, and generally exist on his own terms 100% for some little while. We can all use a little downtime now and then. Being human, and adulting skillfully, takes a ton of work, and it can be quite tiring. It’s healthy to take a break and recharge now and then.

…I remind myself to cancel that previously approved time off from work; I won’t need that (and I just had a week off recently)…

Ask the questions. Do the verbs.

The clock is ticking. I sigh to myself and sip my coffee. It’s a new day. What will I do with it? What choices will I make? Will I make the world some little bit better in some small way through carefully considered actions? Will I make someone’s day just a little nicer by being kind? Where does this path lead? I can’t see around the bend ahead, but I know this path won’t walk itself. lol It’s time to begin again.

It is the wee hours, and I’m awake. I haven’t yet fallen asleep, but I’ve enjoyed some lovely quiet time reading (re-reading a favorite classic, Siddhartha by Herman Hesse).

…I expected to fall asleep quickly.

An experience is very much what we make of it, and reality has no particular relationship to our expectations at all. I chuckle about it in the darkness. I’m unconcerned about having my device in front of my eyes right now, having dimmed the display to less than 25% and only “stopping by” while I drink some water and finish this cough drop to soothe my still irritated throat.

I was not wholly surprised to find myself wakeful. Different pain meds. Substantial changes in routine (to prepare for surgery), which included giving up supplements, and limiting or changing the timing of various medications and over-the-counter remedies. Of course I’m not asleep. I slept in this morning. I was drugged or unconscious much of the morning due to surgery. I slept for unmeasured hours after I was released to go home. Why would I even expect to actually be tired beyond the fatigue of injury itself? (Every healing surgery is also an experience of being injured, and systems interfered with!)

So. I’ve stirred myself enough to get some water. A cough drop. A change of position. (Picked another book, just in case sleeplessness persists.) I’ll meditate, then try sleep again and see where things stand when a new day dawns. That’ll be soon enough to begin again. First I need to take care of me (and brush aside these expectations cluttering things up my thinking, too, eh?).

Once upon a time there was a rose…

Morning of a new day. Why that picture? Because the damned deer ate my roses (again) and I was thinking about that during the night. I’d waited 4 years for that rose (Golden Opportunity) to bloom! I’m glad I got to see her. The deer only eat tender new growth… many roses bloom on new growth – you see the problem? Could be little cages for every rose next year except those that the deer don’t favor (I suspect they are either too thorny, or don’t taste good for some reason).

My cup of coffee is good this morning. Hot. Well and carefully made. Exactly as I like it. I’m grateful, but apparently I inconsiderately left the counter a mess (everything is just a bit more difficult with my left hand impaired, but that’s no excuse for not noticing that I had dripped coffee and grounds on the counter and failed to clean them up). So human. My Traveling Partner called it out with some annoyance; no one likes waking up to a mess. He was kind enough to clean it up as he made his own coffee. I’m annoyed with myself for leaving it, though. I hope our morning together is pleasant otherwise. I’m mostly myself this morning, but still recovering, and a little impaired. I remind myself to slow down and be patient with myself and alert to my surroundings.

I finally slept last night. I slept until I woke, much later than I generally would. My timing all feels off. It’ll pass. There’s no pressure; I’m off work today to recover. I take my time doing the budget and payday stuff; I’m typing with only 9 fingers, presently, and it feels awkward with the finger that is not available being an index finger. This will also pass. A lot of the details of our human experience are quite temporary. Too temporary for a lot of fuss and bother or agitation, generally. It’d be nice if that were an easier idea to hold onto in a stressful moment! It takes practice – and the practice is in the lived experiences; results will vary. I sip my coffee and think about that. We become what we practice – there is persistence implied, and continued repetition over time. Effort. Verbs. Will.

It’s pleasant to have a Greek yogurt drink (peach) with my coffee this morning. I didn’t enjoy having to go to “clear liquids” only, for the 24 hours before my surgery. lol It was more about the loss of the sensual delight in tasting something good, less about hunger or blood sugar – the Ozempic definitely did it’s job there. Turns out that, at least for me, the experience of food and meals and tasting things is one of life’s real joys, and the day felt stripped of something precious without it. It wasn’t actually a big deal, it’s just genuinely nice not having to go without, and I’m appreciating that. There is real value in taking a moment to appreciate something, to feel it, to enjoy it, to be in that moment, so I make it a point to do that. It has tended to result in an implicit experience of life as pleasant and positive, generally, instead of the bleakness and feeling of futility that once characterized how I experienced my life. A very good practice (for me) and a change I’m very glad I made.

Yesterday was quite nice, after the surgery. I mostly slept, but when I woke it was to an experience of being cared for. My Traveling Partner was wonderful, (going with me to my surgery, bringing me home and caring for me all day) and the Anxious Adventurer did his part as well (bringing me a very nice sorbet to soothe my throat on his way home from work and taking care of dishes and trash and housekeeping stuff), and it was so nice to chillax over silly videos and munch pizza together at dinner time. No idea what today holds, really, nothing complicated – I’m giving myself the best chance I can to heal well and thoroughly without complications. I use my hands a lot. I’m grateful to have the use of them.

I think things over another few minutes. I hear my partner call to me from the other room, checking on me. It’s time to begin again.

It is morning. Well past dawn or sunrise. I’m off work – surgery today. Now and then my anxiety begins to flare up, mostly the result of troubling memories of past surgical experiences. It’s a “nothing” sort of thing. I breathe, exhale, and relax. I pull myself back into this moment. This surgery coming up today is quite minor. It’ll probably be done under a local anesthetic and finished in minutes. Regardless; the outcome will be what it is when that time comes. For now I enjoy my coffee in the garden.

A new day.

So… It’s much later. It’s evening. My anxiety was worse than I expected (or was willing to acknowledge). I’m calling it a night and feeling a bit woozy from the last lingering after effects of the surgical stress, the anesthesia, and the pain medication they gave me for today and tomorrow. I don’t really expect to need it past then, and figure I’ll be on my usual meds in the usual way by Saturday for sure. It went fine. I was surprised that it was done under general anesthesia – seemed the sort of thing that could potentially have been handled with an exacto knife and a moment of moment of excessive frugality, perhaps. lol

… Getting everyday shit done is a tad more complicated by being drugged and one-handed, but it’s temporary…

In practical terms my ability to manage my anxiety skillfully was, at best, superficial and only barely adequate. As a result I managed to aggravate my Traveling Partner (first thing in the morning), who was trying to provide caregiving and support and manage his own worry without adding to my stress. He wasn’t fooled. I did manage to mystify the nurse at the surgical center with my higher-than-200/90 blood pressure when my records show my historical average around 135/70. lol She didn’t see my anxiety at all (and I didn’t explicitly call it out). She said later that I seemed very calm and steady, after I thanked her for helping to calm me before surgery. There’s something to learn from that. One clear takeaway is that “managing” and “masking” are not the same practices and can’t get the same results. I gotta work on that. It matters to choose the right tool for any job.

Still, it’s behind me now. My throat is a bit raw from their method of managing my respiration while I was unconscious. That’s not a complaint, just an observation. I’ll have some water, and a cough lozenge, get a good night’s sleep (I hope), and tomorrow, I’ll begin again.