Archives for category: winter

How often do I say that, lately? Seems like a lot… I am reminded that the “enshittification” of the internet is a real thing, and not just “the internet”, but a lot of services, apps, media, seach tools, and things that rely on such things seem to be suffering from a very real process of degradation over time (and more so recently). I could more politely (and possibly more clearly) refer to the phenomenon as “platform decay”. From Wikipedia’s article, it is described thusly;

…the term used to describe the pattern in which online products and services decline in quality over time. Initially, vendors create high-quality offerings to attract users, then they degrade those offerings to better serve business customers, and finally degrade their services to users and business customers to maximize profits for shareholders.

Yeah. That’s a thing, for sure. Welcome to Capitalism, y’all – where we put profit over product quality, and people, in order to extract maximum “value” for a handful of already-wealthy shareholders. Gross. We could do so much better. What can I do about it? Maybe there’s real value in using some of these garbage apps a whole lot less in favor of more real-world experiences in the real world? Real life seems somewhat less prone to rapid enshittification… not entirely immune admittedly, but the odds of having a good experience seem a little better. Bound books. Pen and paper. Walks in the forest, and along the beach or marsh. Conversations with friends. I don’t know – I definitely don’t have all the answers, just some thoughts on other things to do with my time. This may be relevant. (The irony of suggesting online content is not lost on me. You could read this instead, but maybe buy it from a local book store, eh?) When was the last time you went into the world to enjoy the hunt for some specific thing in real places? I know, I know, super inconvenient, and so time-consuming! Only… It’s your life. Are you living it – or are you just scrolling through the minutes waiting to die while some app harvests the data from your likes, clicks, and views?

…I “throw the alogorithm a curve ball” and put on music I don’t usually listen to…

I smile at the thought that when I am out on the trail, the things I like are not visible to an alogrithm. When I see the world through my own eyes, my “views” aren’t recorded anywhere. When I turn my attention from one thing to another out in the world, alive, alone with myself, there are no “clicks” that can be captured – I’m just a human, being human. I enjoy that. When I pick up a book in a bookstore, and read the back cover and flip through the pages, no data is recorded about how long my eyes lingered on the words. When I share conversation with a friend or colleague, using my actual voice, in a real place, it’s ours – and there is no financial benefit to be gained for the shareholder class. I like that.

There’s a price to be paid for convenience – whether we see it coming out of our bank account or not. Are you prepared to pay that price? (Am I?) It’s something to think about. It’s the 21st century – what do you want out of your experience? What paths do you want open for your children?

I sigh to myself, and sip my coffee. Here, now, it’s just me and this moment – but I find myself yearning for a typewriter that isn’t connected to the internet, and a medium of communication that isn’t digital. Convenient for us both that we’re here, now, in this digital place… but at what cost? What price are we paying for this “convenience”? Is it worth it? I’m not monetizing this content – but you can bet someone is, in some way. (Why are we not being paid for our data? Can someone explain to me why, if it has such value, we aren’t being paid real money for the data about us being collected every day? “Basic income” isn’t a handout in the digital age; it is a potential means of compensating us for our data – maybe it’s time we took that step?)

I think again about long-time plans to publish some of this work in a more durable medium; a bound book. I smile to myself. There are verbs involved, and it’s just daydreaming until I am prepared to make a clear plan, apply the will to connect that plan to action – and do the verbs. But… what is lost if this whole thing were to come crashing down? Am I prepared to see it just… gone? I sit with my thoughts awhile longer.

…What will I do about it, when I begin again?

Not gonna lie, when the email hit my inbox it kind of took my breath away, and I had a moment of panic and stress and doubt. My anxiety flared up, shouting in my head for attention. I wanted to “run away”.

We are contacting you to communicate an adjustment in the monthly rental rate…

Funny how such things are so rarely about a decrease in the rent, eh?

We do not take adjusting your rental rate lightly and understand cost increases impact you…

Yeah, I’ll bet you do. I took a deep breath and pulled out my calculator, and my calendar.

Two increases in less than six months since new management took over the storage company we lease a unit from. I took another breath, and patiently adulted through the panic. I did the math, did some comparisons, and determined quickly that we could easily do better. Instead of freaking out, I sent my Traveling Partner an email, sharing the unexpected increase in the rent on our storage unit, and providing the alternatives I’d identified. We came to a solution, made a plan, and got to work on making a needed change. Yes, it’s a lot of work to be done, but sooner on this is better than later.

…I immediately felt less stressed out…

I’ve grown. It wasn’t so long ago that something like this would have me mentally “running for cover”, terrified to face circumstances or take action. The key detail, the first step on the path, being to face circumstances, with open eyes and an open mind. We can’t make informed choices or wise changes to circumstances we try to hide from. Elementary adulting; don’t lie to yourself.

Am I happy to have to move a bunch of stuff from one storage unit to another? Not really. On the other hand, what we actually have are two storage units, and we’ll move into one much larger one for the same price, and be able to re-organize efficiently as we do so. This turns the whole annoying thing into a really choice opportunity and an improvement in convenience, and I am happy about that. Altogether a positive change, with some verbs involved. Had I let this mess go for weeks or months trying to avoid thinking about it or dealing with it, or trying to wish it away, I could have found myself lacking good options, or faced with even greater expense and massive inconvenience. I smile and sip my coffee – there’s certainly no stress over it this morning.

There’s a lesson here. Look the stressful circumstances in the face. Get out your calculator, takes some notes, do some math, think things over with consideration. Seek clarity. Be realistic and frank with yourself. Make a plan, and make a plan B. Do the needful. Adulting is hard sometimes, but avoiding the required work doesn’t make it easier at all. You’ve got this – whatever it is.

Take a breath. Begin again.

I’m thinking about a distant friend dealing with a difficult time. We all have them, at some point, don’t we? It’s very human. I sip my coffee and wonder what I could say to offer some measure of hope, or something constructive that might help, but more than likely he just wants to be heard – don’t we all?

When it feels like it’s all stairs, it’s nice to have someone sharing the journey.

Some of our most human challenges are a bit like quicksand. We stumble into them unexpectedly, whether we know to watch for them or not, and there we are – struggling in it. The more we struggle, the more the quicksand sucks us down into the pit, without anything firm to stand on. Scary. Struggling isn’t helpful; we may lose any chance of regaining our footing and be sucked in completely, beyond reach of help. Lost.

Quicksand is strange stuff. In practice, it’s unlikely that quicksand will actually pull a human being entirely down, fully encompassing them and smothering them to death (or drowning them). If someone trapped in quicksand stays calm, relaxed, and spreads their weight out (say, by laying back on it and “floating”), they are likely to be able to free themselves. (Definitely, with some help.) There’s the trick to it; it seems ever so much scarier than it has to be, and it is the fear, the panic, and the struggle itself that creates most of the hardship.

…True in our emotional lives, as well as in quicksand, eh?…

Perspective matters. “Emotion and Reason” acrylic on canvas w/ceramic and glow 2012

I breathe, exhale, and relax, and think about moments in life in which my own panic or dread has created trauma and challenges far beyond whatever the circumstances themselves may have done. It’s a very human thing. Emotion operates by different rules than reason, and it’s often helpful to endeavor to stay calm, and to “spread things out” a bit, to put less weight on the moment, and maybe even ask for some help. I personally find a consistent meditation practice, and some time to myself each day for self-reflection to be useful practices for maintaining my perspective and “emotional equilibrium” in order to “avoid the quicksand” in life (and love). That’s what works for me. We’re each having our own experience, but if struggling isn’t working out for you, maybe try a different practice?

“Emotion and Reason” lit differently – how we view emotions, and how we use reason, make a difference.

I sit with my coffee and my thoughts a little while longer, watching daybreak arrive. Soon enough it’ll be time to begin again. No doubt my results will vary, and it’s true this journey has no map, but I’m in good company (we’re all in this together), and I am my own cartographer on this journey. I’m okay with that; the journey is the destination.

…I wonder where this path leads?

I’m sipping my coffee in the quiet of the office before dawn on a Monday morning, listening to a favorite jazz singer crooning softly in my ears. I find myself reflecting on the last time I listened to this particular woman’s voice, before “rediscovering her” recently, searching for a particular song to share with a friend going through some things. I lived a very different life at that time. Most of the music I listened to then was jazz. That realization got me thinking about the many different “versions of me” I have lived over a lifetime, through the lens of the music I listened to.

Using music to differentiate from one version of myself to another, I can see myself change over time, through career changes, addresses, partnerships, personal philosophy and points of view, economic circumstances, the books I read, the language I used, the way I painted, and even preferences in how I dressed, and who I hung out with. Change is. I’ve grown over a lifetime of choices, opportunities, and circumstances. Some of my changes have been inflicted upon me, some were choices. In some sense, I have been many women.

“Lichen II” watercolor on paper, 8″ x 10″ 1984 (painted while listening to jazz)

That woman who listened mostly to jazz lived with domestic violence, which she carefully hid from the view of colleagues. She had few friends. She was physically beautiful – as beautiful as she would ever be, but her mind was a mess. Her values and philosophy in life reflected the strained jigsaw puzzle of thinking errors and mental gymnastics needed to rationalize her experience. She lived a strange sleepless life, traumatized and anxious, and always vigilant. Music – particularly jazz – was always “a safe topic” at home. An acceptable shared pleasure. Her home was compulsively meticulously neat, always. It had to be. She was young – in her 20s – and a soldier on active duty. Respected at work, mistreated and tormented at home, she kept people at a distance, except those occasions when she “let it all go” and hit the club looking for a moment of affection in a stranger’s embrace, when circumstances permitted. It was a life of confusion, and as her mental health eroded, her substantial collection of jazz CDs increased. I listen to that music now with mixed emotions, when I listen to it at all. I find beauty in the music, and distress in the memories. I am a lifetime away from that young woman, and a very different person. I make different choices. I think different thoughts. I believe different things and understand the world differently.

I chose change many times before I ever put myself on this path. Searching for something different, and finding differences, but not wellness, contentment, or joy. For a long time I blindly chased “happiness”, finding mostly misery.

“Communion” acrylic on canvas w/ceramic details, 24″ x 36″, 2011 (painted listening to a mix of EDM tracks)

I’d found myself mired in futility long before I met my Traveling Partner. His friendship pulled me back from the brink of despair more than once, before we were ever lovers. His love was literally “life changing” – because it changed my thinking, and my choices. I’ve come so far! I smile to myself, and change the music. I’ve “changed the music” many times in this one mortal lifetime (it’s a metaphor). I’m grateful to have had that opportunity. I smile and listen to wise words in a favorite song. We can choose change. Sometimes change is forced upon us. Change is. I’m grateful for this enduring love (and partnership) along the journey.

“Siletz Bay Pink Sunrise II” pastel on pastelbord, 7″ x 9″, 2024 (painted listening to love songs)

…The journey is the destination. There is no map. If you stray from your path, begin again.

I’m sitting with my thoughts, waiting for the sun, and watching a thin sliver of moon rise over the southern horizon. I’m reminded of a particular jazz version of a poignant song, and struggling to remember the name of the vocalist who sang the rendition I like.

Moonrise before dawn.

I finally remember her name. Nancy Wilson. What a voice! The song lingers in my memory, significant and personal. I find a recording of it online and play it as day breaks and the eastern horizon turns orange. It’s a beautiful moment. I savor it.

An owl flies overhead, passing through my field of vision, silhouetted against the the sky as I watch the sunrise. An omen? No, silly, an owl. 😉 I smile to myself, and breathe, exhale, and relax. I watch distant mumurations of flocks of birds across the bold orange sunrise. A good morning for birds, apparently. I try to get pictures, but I’m not fast enough and was unprepared; I “settle” for enjoying the sight. It’s enough to be present in this moment, here, now. It usually is.

The park gate clangs open. Dawn lights the trail. It’s a chilly morning and I wind my scarf around my neck and stuff my gloves into my pockets, expecting to need them. I pause to massage the painful places of my shoulder and neck before I leave the warmth of the car for the beauty of the trail. Always choices. Always verbs. I hear geese calling overhead. It’s time to begin again.