I’m thinking about the shitty weekend that is now behind me. I’m thinking about progress over time and results, both successes and failures. It’s kind of a deep dive on particulars, and maybe “TMI”. Feel free to skip it.

I’m sipping my coffee, which is quite dreadful this morning, and sort of “giving myself a report card”, because it’s true that without reflecting on outcomes, managing change becomes more a matter of surfing the waves of circumstances and less like working towards goals. So… I think about my “Big 5” relationship values (which I set down “on paper” back in 2013) – how am I doing there? I’ll use traditional US primary school letter grades. 🙂

1. Respect – I’ll give this one a D, I guess. I could for sure do a lot better. I talk over my partner a lot, and even though it’s a brain injury thing, it’s still rude and causes hurt feelings.
2. Reciprocity – I’ve got to give myself an F here; I suck at personal boundary setting and speaking up when I need help, and the result is that I often take more on myself than I can live up to, and then struggle to manage my resentment. It creates a mess that would be so much more easily managed if I ask for help when I need it, and say “no” when I’m not up to handling some task or another.
3. Consideration – I get a B on “consideration”, I think – and I’m “taking points off” because I sometimes go a bit overboard, such that I fail to also consider myself, or create an uncomfortable circumstance where my partner may be unintentionally maneuvered into “taking advantage of me”. My heart is in the right place, my execution needs some work – as does my boundary-setting.
4. Openness – Another F. I’ve been more and more withdrawn, lately, even as my partner gives me more opportunity to open up. It’s damaging for our ability to create intimacy, and may be a byproduct of feeling small or inadequate in our relationship.
5. Compassion – I’ll give myself a C here. I could do better. I definitely feel the feeling, but I often struggle to express it sufficiently well.

Shit. That was unexpected. I thought I’d get better grades… What about personal values like:

1. Perspective – I gain it. I lose it. It’s pretty inconsistent, and also pretty high on my list of important things, so… a C?
2. Sufficiency – I’ll give myself a A on this one. I do pretty well at living this value these days. That feels good. Room to improve? For sure – still human, still prone to greed, envy, lust, yearning… room to do better.
3. Authenticity – I’m going to give myself a D here. More and more lately I’ve been feeling compelled to “put a good face on things” in spite of clear signs that I’m struggling with… something… even if it’s just aging/menopause/human b.s., there’s legit self-harm in being inauthentic, especially in an intimate relationship.
4. Frankness – Funny/not funny. I’d have given myself an A+ on this, almost reflexively, even a few weeks ago, but I’m forced to admit I’ve been working so hard on not just blurting out whatever the fuck is on my mind for so long now that I’ve gotten pretty good at not doing that. With my more recent growing sense that my partner wishes I would just shut up (I don’t think that’s actually true, it’s just an emotional experience), I’ve gotten increasingly unlikely to be very frank and direct with him. I get an F.
5. Kindness – Shit. Wow. So… I have a kind heart. A+ there, but… my Traveling Partner was super clear with me this weekend that he feels that I routinely treat him unkindly, and he’s hurt by that (obviously, who wouldn’t be?). And also? My chronic negative self-talk? Yeah. Failing grade here: F. That stings a bit. I can do better.

Fuck. What the hell, man…? How about application of the Four Agreements?

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word – well shit. Seeing a D grade for Authenticity, and an F on Frankness… an F on Kindness… a D for Respect, and an F on Openness? Sounds like a big failure here, too. F.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally – Omg. I take so much shit so personally. My Traveling Partner has his own issues. Too often I look right past the love to the issue he’s struggling with himself that has nothing whatever to do with us, or love, and I take it so very personally. F.
3. Don’t Make Assumptions – I’m pretty good here. Not perfect. Not great. Better than average, I think… so… a B? Sometimes in a bad moment, I trip myself up with this one, but generally I do okay to check myself (and my assumptions).
4. Always Do Your Best – I’m going to give myself a C here. I could do my best, better, more often, I think. Sometimes I don’t do my best at doing my best. Pretty average.

Shit. For real? And those relationship items I touched on yesterday? How about those? Where I am “at” right now?

1. Active interest in my partner’s life? Definitely. Very much so. But… am I communicating that skillfully? No. No, I’m definitely not. My self-care failures are getting in my way rather badly, and I end up being terse, distracted, or disengaged when I mean to be attentive and curious. D.
2. Aware of my “attachment style” and working to develop a healthier attachment style? Um… F. This was barely even on my radar until a few days ago. I’ve got a ton of work to do here.
3. Embracing healthy conflict, and not “fighting” (working as a team to solve problems)? Omg. I’m conflict avoidant AF – and in a very unhealthy way. It would not be an exaggeration to say I am inclined to literally run from conflict. I’m terrified by expressed anger (especially by male partners), and struggle to manage my PTSD when conflict develops as a result. F.
4. Open to discussing, facing, and resolving big fears and issues, not just small ones? I mean… in principle, sure, but… see item 3. I’m so conflict avoidant in the context of intimate partnerships that trying to bring up a concern with me has real risk of provoking a fight or a “meltdown” of some kind. I am not good at this. I want to be good at this, but my skills are wholly undeveloped, and I’ve been badly hurt in earlier relationships – there’s a lot of ancient pain, and emotional scars. Another F.
5. Supporting my partner without scorekeeping? This is a weird one. I definitely “get it” intellectually and emotionally. I understand why scorekeeping is damaging. I have put in a lot of work to move away from this kind of damaging behavior… but I somehow find myself fairly easily provoked into one form of scorekeeping or another in moments of conflict, in spite of that. I’m giving myself a D.
6. Having my own identity and recognizing that my partner does as well? I’ve been struggling more with this lately; I feel “downtrodden and small”, and often feel as though my only value in my relationship is work, housekeeping, and other such practical shit. That isn’t healthy. I sometimes feel as if I am “losing myself”. I find myself wondering if this may be what is causing my bout of depression? (It’s probably at least relevant…). C- or D.
7. Creating emotional safe space for each other? Fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail. F. All the fucking fail sauce.

…I’m not good at relationships is apparently putting it mildly…

Fuck. That’s a lot of shit to work on… I feel grateful for my Traveling Partner’s persistence with our relationship (I’m clearly not good at this shit). I’ve definitely got room for growth and improvement, and holy shit this stuff looks hard. I’m coming up short in areas that require me to skillfully set boundaries… to ask for help… to say “no” to stuff… to speak up frankly and directly… to make room for my partner to have his own emotional experience and feel safe doing so… How am I failing so hard after so much fucking work?? Well, tl;dr – it’s a very human experience, and relationships (unlike self-work) are collaborative; his issues are my issues, mine are also his. My progress isn’t guarantee of relationship progress. These are separate things that both need attention, time, work, and real love. Commitment. Will to act. Will to change. Will to approach – and to be approachable. Fucking hell… adulting is hard.

It was a hard weekend and I’m glad it’s over. Am I inclined to just “put it behind me”? You better believe it – but doing that without doing the work needed to make things right (long-term) puts this relationship that I value at great risk of failure. That’s not at all what I want, so I guess I’ve got to dig deeper and work through my bullshit. Hopefully he’ll also be committed to doing the same; we’ve each got our share of bullshit to deal with, and we’re each “half of everything that works” (or doesn’t) in this relationship. I guess I can start by trusting love, and trusting my lover, and working on improving the shit I’m not personally doing very well. I can do better. (I’ve got a list, and plenty of verbs.)

I’ll see my therapist, talk about my depression, talk about building emotional safety in my relationship… and begin again. It’s a good place to start. Every journey has to start somewhere.