In the Evening

December 11, 2025 //
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I’m unwinding after the office party. It is evening. I didn’t drink much (1 Sapphire and tonic, not as good as the ones my Traveling Partner occasionally makes for me), and I limited my calories and made healthy choices. I played ping pong with colleagues, and enjoyed some lively conversations. As company parties go, probably the only one I’ve really enjoyed. Ever. Making good choices was definitely part of that. The good company and the venue both also played a part. A pleasant evening out… that lasted too long.

… I’m tired…

… My feet ache, my head aches, and my tinnitus is almost deafening (noisy venue)…

S’ok. I’m fine, just tired. Tomorrow, immediately after the company All Hands, I will get into an Uber or taxi and head to the airport, homeward bound. I miss my Traveling Partner, and I’m ready to go home. Good trip, productive, although peculiar inasmuch as I simultaneously feel that I got a lot done, and also that I got nothing done. Pretty funny. Very strange.

I sit quietly after a hot shower, just relaxing and thinking my thoughts. I could watch a video…or the TV…or read a book… but I just sit quietly, listening to the heat click on and off keeping the temperature a comfortable 73 degrees F (22.7 C). Time passes. My mind idles. I’m not waiting on anything, and I don’t feel anxious or stressed. I’m just being. I breathe, exhale, and relax. Bedtime soon, meditation first. Begin again, tomorrow.

I yawn, and notice a broken nail. Inconsequential, unless it becomes a temptation to tear at my hands. I clip my nails short, and file them smooth. Better. I sigh to myself and turn the thermostat down a bit for comfortable sleep, and stretch. I put devices on chargers, and turn off lights. Sleep now…new beginning tomorrow. It’s enough.

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Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, women, Words

A Song in My Heart

December 11, 2025 //
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The soft beeping almost didn’t wake me this morning. I had forgotten to set an alarm, but that is rarely of any consequence, since I also rarely sleep past 04:30 or so. This morning the quiet beeping alarm that goes off at 06:00, my morning medication reminder, was what woke me. I slept in! I even “overslept”, if I want to call it that.

I smiled through my shower and while I dressed, half humming some merry tune. I feel good. Rested. It’s a nice feeling. I let myself feel it without resistance or argument, savoring the moment. I make myself a cup of pod coffee in the hotel room, and double check that I’ll be ready to join my colleagues at breakfast.

There’s a pretty long day ahead, although much of the afternoon and some of the evening will be the office holiday party. I wonder how well rested my colleagues will be? They continued the evening after dinner, heading to some local favorite for cocktails. I rarely drink, and wasn’t inclined to join them. It was around 19:00 when I got back to the room, as it was, and I was already too tired for much more.

City lights, a view from a taxi.

… But I’m not seeing much of SF! 😆 Sightseeing isn’t the point, though.

It’s a strange journey, this thing called “life”. Meeting some of my colleagues in person has been an experience of it’s own. There are some very smart, creative, kind people here, sharing this professional journey, and making their own ways in the world. I feel fortunate to meet them and be received and accepted as their equal. I’ve had some great conversations and many chances to practice listening. I even tried shawarma for the first time!

I tidy up the hotel room. Meditate. Take time to write a few words, and wonder how my Traveling Partner is doing this morning, and hoping he slept well and deeply.

Somehow it’s already time to begin again…

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, joy, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, winter, Words

Actually Evening

December 10, 2025 //
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It was a long work day. It’s over. A few words exchanged with my partner, a hot shower, and an early bedtime; I set the alarm* a little later and crashed, hoping to perhaps sleep in.

I crashed hard, and slept deeply. I woke abruptly to loud laughter following a louder thump against a wall. Drunk on a Wednesday? The folks at the trade conference going on at this hotel are partying hard. I wake startled, heart pounding, disoriented. I get up for s few minutes, make a cup of coffee (decaf), and drink some water. It’s an unimportant moment, but I’m awake for a time.

I sit with my thoughts, feeling relaxed and… I don’t know, a little like “my engine is idling” and that I’m “in neutral”. I’m here, but inattentive to everything but the stillness of the moment. I definitely miss my beloved Traveling Partner, but I am also relishing the luxury of solitude and quiet… for the hours I get to enjoy that, which is more or less the same small portion of any typical work day. Like a lot of Americans, I work “too much”, in spite of being aware of the value of leisure, rest, and contemplation. The infamously exploitative American work culture demands a lot. I’m grateful to have a good job, though,, make no mistake. Swapping unreplaceable years of my finite mortal lifespan for cash is a shitty return on that investment of my time (could be worse), but I have adequately proven to myself that I am not likely to make a similarly good living painting full time. America may value “the grind”, but it does not value artists, regardless of the amount of work they put into their art.

Meh. I let that go and enjoy the quiet I’ve got, sip my coffee (decaf), and wait for sleepiness to catch up to me again.

I spend time meditating. I reflect on the day. I stretch, and do some yoga. I open the curtains of the darkened room, and look out the window onto the street below. No view, really, just a sidestreet and some dumpsters on the other side. I people watch awhile. I notice a new “floater” in my right eye. Annoyingly it seems inclined to sit smack in the center of my field of vision, bobbing about and drifting with my eye movements. I hope it goes away, or becomes so commonplace my brain begins to filter it out of my view. The clock ticks on.

I’m sleepy again. Perhaps I will dream of love? I smile contentedly feeling relaxed and unbothered. A good day. Tomorrow is soon enough to begin again.

*I failed to complete the process of setting an alarm somehow, or turned it off later. There would be no alarm in the morning. 😆

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, autumn, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, Practices, The Art of Being, Words

Perspective Shift

December 10, 2025 //
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I’m in an altogether different place this morning. I woke slowly, to the sound of an audible alarm. Strange enough (for me), and it jangled my nerves a bit; I was deeply asleep and had forgotten where I was (a hotel room in San Francisco).

I got up and dressed, fussing around in a most disorganized fashion, finally starting some coffee brewing before I left the room for a short walk in the morning air. Once around the block, and then back to the hotel room for coffee.

Each journey starts somewhere.

Yesterday was an interesting adventure in travel. Nothing really went “wrong”, it was simply unexpectedly tedious. The taxi from the airport to the hotel was fun; the driver was skillful and made interesting conversation (at half the price of an Uber, as it happens). He even pointed out various sights along the way. It was almost an hour, in heavy traffic. Yeesh. Big cities have familiar big city problems (Like needing an hour to go 17 miles).

Oh look! A sight to see.

By the time I was in the hotel room it was 5:30 pm. How was I “already” so tired? I mean, new city, and I’m in a hotel in a location with a lot to do (Fisherman’s Warf). My feet ached. I was tired. I slept poorly the night before and fatigue was clearly taking over. My Traveling Partner reminds me to eat something in a message, while we catch up and exchange pleasantries. I unpack and get my stuff rearranged such that my backpack is longer luggage, just a computer case. Handy. In the process I delight myself; I had carelessly put three little stuffed kittens onto my backpack “out of the way” while I was packing for the trip and didn’t realize they’d dropped down inside. There they were, soft friendly reminders of home, I chuckled happily and snapped a picture of them.

Small moments of joy are precious.

I spent the evening in silence, just sitting quietly for some little while, before admitting I was just done for the day. By 7 pm, I was asleep, waking only once and promptly returning to sleep. Now, it’s a new day, full of promise. The morning is quiet. I am alone. The only sounds are traffic beyond the window, and my tinnitus. This coffee is okay…pod coffee. It’s generally neither bad nor good, but completely acceptable and of reliable “sameness” every time. I find myself struggling for a moment to find the correct word for that idea. Consistency? So many useful words available to choose from!

A colleague who is also staying at this hotel pings me about breakfast. It’s already time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, joy, loneliness, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, Words

All This Rain

December 9, 2025 //
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Well, it’s definitely autumn in the Pacific Northwest. It’s raining steadily. I’m sitting at the trailhead, in the car, wondering if the rain will let up long enough to get a walk in this morning? It is beginning to seem unlikely. I sigh out loud and sit quietly, waiting.

…Later, I travel…

This morning, I deal with my anxiety, and I deal with a concerned email from my Traveling Partner. His own anxieties were keeping him awake during the night, and he tackled them directly, expressing his concerns with care and asking me for assurances and charges in behavior. His approach reflects our years together as partners. I read it over, a couple times, before I reply. Of all the things causing me stress right now, this email isn’t one of them. I value his candor.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. I find myself vacillating between already missing my Traveling Partner (I’m not even gone yet), and hoping this trip away for work somehow also meets my need to get some real solitude, beyond a trail walk in the morning. It’s been a long time since I’ve managed to get a couple of days away to myself (and being home alone seems completely out of reach pretty chronically).

I have a peculiar sudden stabbing bit of anxiety, weirdly out of place in my experience – I find myself anxious over “what if I returned home and he was gone though?!” I have literally no reason to consider this fear a legitimate concern. No idea where it comes from. No doubt it is some remnant of old baggage or past trauma; I let it go. It isn’t real, and I definitely have enough real shit vexing me and stoking my anxiety.

The rain slows to a sprinkle. I’m looking forward to walking in the rain freshened air before spending hours on a plane. I pull on my poncho and grab my cane. It’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, Healthy Living, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5, Words
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