Archives for posts with tag: health
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89 Seconds to Midnight

October 30, 2025 //
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I left work early yesterday (by a few minutes) with a wicked headache. Not my usual headache, this one felt…viral. By evening I was definitely not feeling well. I crashed at 18:30 and slept through the night waking only twice for one biological need or another, and quickly returning to sleep. I woke at my usual time, and went back to sleep, waking later to make coffee and slowly start getting myself together for the day, figuring I’ll work from home, at predictably lower productivity, but “being there” for my team and still getting needful things wrapped up for October. A reasonable plan.

The first notification to reach me this morning is a DM from a friend. “Are you worried?” Well, damn, yeah, honestly, more often than not lately – at least any time I step outside my safe-seeming home. But, I feel certain she means something specific, and I ask. I immediately wish I hadn’t, when she replies “he wants to re-start nuclear testing”. I know which “he” she means, and my response is… to make a cup of coffee. I mean, damn, even if the end of the world were literally upon me, at this hour of the day I’m definitely going to want to face that shit with a fresh cup of coffee. lol I’m not meaning to make light of something that is truly horrific, but I honestly don’t know how else to take it. The notion is completely fucking ludicrous – what is there to test? What don’t we already know about the profound destructive power of nuclear weapons, and the lasting damage to this one planet we live on that inevitably results? Have we forgotten all the other nuclear tests that have been done? It’s an ugly dick measuring contest. A toddler’s demonstration of power (that they clearly should not have in the first place). Renewed nuclear testing achieves nothing good and protects no one. It does nothing to improve the stability of global trade or diplomacy. It’s also fucking expensive, which seems odd from a guy who campaigned on how good he was going to make America, and how much he would bring down the debt, the deficit, and the cost of fucking groceries. I’m annoyed by all of it, so I…

…Take a breath, followed by a sip of my coffee, which is exceptional this morning. I get my work tools set up. I seem to manage to avoid waking my still-sleeping Traveling Partner, which pleases me (I hope I’m right!), because I’m fairly certain he will have slept restlessly, worrying about me during the night. Then I check The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists to see if the clock has changed since January 28th… it hasn’t. I let it go, with a sigh. Not relief, just… I don’t know. The madness of renewed nuclear testing is not something I can change, or fix, or act upon, really. I’ll write letters to representatives later.

It’s not that I’m ignoring the crazy going on around me, nor the costume ball of assholes, douchebags, and clowns in Washington haplessly proclaiming that this or that new horror is somehow not their fault. I’m not ignoring any of it. I am refusing to let those fuckwits camp out rent free in my consciousness full-time, though. I will continue to live my life as well as I am able until the world actually ends. I’ll do my own best to be kind, to be a good neighbor, to be compassionate, to make wise choices, to care for home and hearth, to love with my whole heart, and to refrain from making shit in the world worse – for anyone – if I can. I’ll continue to call genocide “genocide”, when I see it. I’ll continue to speak truth to power. I’ll continue to refuse to laugh at “jokes” that hurt people. I’ll turn my attention away from the click-bait headlines, sponsored content, and AI slop. I just don’t have time for attention-getting bullshit.

I dislike being sick, but compared to some of what is going on in the world, a headcold isn’t that big a deal, is it?

I sip my coffee. I meditate. I run a brush through my hair so that on my calls I don’t look like a muppet does my styling. I move my keyboard a litte more to the left… Then after I shift my chair, I move it back to the right some. After a couple of repeats, I realize I’m just fussing, and willfully stop my restless fidgiting. I breathe, exhale, and relax, and let my lingering stress and irritation go with my exhalation. I feel my posture become more relaxed, more upright, more “easy”. Feels better. I don’t always easily recognize “discomfort” for what it is, at least not immediately. I take a moment for a “body scan”, feeling various tight spots, and letting myself relax further. There is endurance, resilience, and comfort in self-care. I take my time with myself, and my coffee. I’ve already set expectations that I’m not at 100% this morning, and that I may begin the day a bit later than I generally do. Clear expectation-setting and managing healthy boundaries is also self-care.

What matters most? The moment of panic over a madman’s idiocy – or how I live my life, moment to moment? I realize that I hadn’t sent my friend a proper response to her concern. Am I worried? Of course I am. Am I letting that worry take over my experience? Nope. Not a chance – there is nothing whatsoever about the terrible crap in the news that requires that of me, or over which my reaction in this moment would be some sort of catalyst for change. I tell my friend I am taking a wait-and-see approach, and staying prepared for disaster, but that I won’t be allowing such things to wreck my day-to-day experience. I send her laughing emojis and tell her I have too much “real stuff” to do. She laughs, too, and tells me she appreciates my practical level-headed perspective. I’m grateful that she sees me that way, and I let those words remind me that this is who I am – with practice.

I remind myself to sit down with my Traveling Partner and the Anxious Adventurer, and have a conversation about cold-war era fears of nuclear disaster, and ensuring that together we have disaster plans that are appropriate, and that our level of preparedness for the “come what may” is sufficient. It’s a conversation for another time, and needs no further thought from me now. I set it aside for later, along with my general disappointment in humanity that we’re even in this predicament in the first place. We could do better. Honestly, it’s such a simple thing; it begins with electing people of good character who have the necessary skills and willingness to govern accountably and ethically. Without that, we just end up right back here. I sigh to myself, and let that go, too.

I glance at the clock… It’s time to begin again. There is no time to waste. The clock is always ticking.

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Categories 2024 Election, Allegories, anger, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Despair, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, The Art of Being, War and News of War, Words

Breeeeeathe…

October 23, 2025 //
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I get it. Maybe I even read that same headline and had the same astonished, frustrated, dismayed, disgusted, horrified, or flummoxed response.

Was it billionaire cash grabs? Was it DHS blandly disavowing any knowledge of pregnant women in custody being mistreated? Was it another report of masked agency thugs harassing citizens? Was it the thoughtless narcissistic destruction of a historical treasure to build a monument to a tacky tasteless display of personal wealth? Was it news that yet another powerful crony of Trump is directly profiting from flouting ethical rules? The high cost of healthcare and groceries? The government shutdown? Corporate data centers driving up the cost of residential consumer power bills? I get it. It’s all pretty g’damned horrible and disappointing (and worse)… but… we’ve got to breathe, and we’ve got to practice skillful boundary-setting and good self-care to get through this absolute fucking disaster. No kidding. Breathe. Please. (And I remind myself, daily.)

…Take a moment, and do the best you can to calm yourself, and find perspective…

…Maybe put down the news, or your doomscrolling device of choice…

Don’t mistake me for saying “be silent and endure”, that isn’t my message at all. Protest. Resist. Write to your elected officials, even if you suspect no one is listening. Take action, when there is action to take. Speak truth to power. Don’t let the enemies of democracy win because you forfeited the game! But… take care of yourself and your loved ones, and be kind and considerate to your fellow travelers. We’re all in this together. A lot of people are suffering needlessly, all around us. Don’t add to the misery.

Self-care and good mental and emotional health matter even more in difficult times.  Practice the practices that nurture and heal you, lift you up, and spread joy in your circle of influence! Share what’s going well in life at least as often as you bitch about everything going wrong (more would be good). Maintain balance and perspective, and stay mindful that change is, and we are mortal creatures. All of us are mortal, including the monsters among us. Nothing is permanent , not even this freak-show shit-storm of hate and incompetence that is the current US administration. This too will pass. Do what you can to get through it with your soul intact.

Take a moment for something beautiful.

Sometimes when things are hard in the world, the stress seeps into my consciousness from all around me, and the tiniest details of my own experience become subtly tainted with it. My PTSD symptoms, generally pretty well managed these days, flare up unexpectedly. My sleep becomes routinely disturbed as if I’d never had the years of therapy, of practices, of healing, and of good sleep hygiene that once resolved that problem almost completely. My degraded sleep leads to cognitive impairments due to fatigue, and emotional volatility increases with my frustration with myself, and my dread of conditions in the world at large. The stress piles up, each moment of panic, of dread, of frustration, of sorrow, of anger, adding to a haystack of poor mental health and degraded cognitive faculties that leaves me even more vulnerable to spiraling out of control into despair or rage. Yeesh. Human primates are fucking complicated. (…Where is that damned owner’s manual… Maybe a handy user’s guide…?)

I breathe, exhale, and relax. A single glance at the news headlines was enough, and I set that shit aside. The blend of regurgitated outrage, sycophantic dick-sucking, and sponsored content is more than disappointing enough viewed through headlines – I surely do not need to read further. Not today. Today, I’ll take care of this fragile vessel.

I slept through the night last night, and woke feeling more rested than I have in days. I’m not in as much pain, either, though enough to signal coming rain, probably in the next day or two. I allow myself a moment of amusement that my aching bones predict the weather. I made a point of bringing a bottle of water along with me this morning, rather than allow myself to drink coffee all day long. I make a point of taking my medication on time, and also my vitamin supplement (which I probably skip too often). I didn’t rush through the morning, taking my time as I dressed, and allowing myself to be less ludicrously vigilant about small noises (which often results in some moment of clumsiness and much more noise). I breathe, deeply and exhale completely. I check in with myself… jaw clenched? Relax that. Shoulders tight? Relax those too. Detail by detail, I make room for self-awareness. I breathe, exhale, and relax. The day begins in an ordinary enough way, and the commute was easy.

I stretch. Yawn. Sip my coffee – and begin again.

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Categories 2024 Election, Allegories, anger, Anxiety, autumn, breathe, Despair, Free Will, Frustration, health, Healthy Living, joy, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, The Art of Being, The Big 5, War and News of War, Words

Between Breaths

September 11, 2025 //
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This morning is better. This morning is even “good” for all the values of “good” that come to mind in the moment. It’s nice. No anxiety. I woke with my silent alarm, as the lights began to come on, and my morning routine felt… routine. The traffic heading to the more distant co-work space was light, and I got there “right on time” – by which I mean when I expected to. I got to the office with enough time to share a few words with my Traveling Partner, and enough time to set up without rushing, and to prepare for an early meeting. It all feels so… ordinary.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. I take the few minutes for meditation in the morning that I usually do. The early morning call means my walk will come a little later, and that’s entirely fine. I feel steady, centered, and comfortable in my skin. I feel self-assured and confident that I am in the right place at the right time, doing things I am capable of doing well. It’s as if I were never anxious at all, which is a very nice feeling indeed.

I look over reminders for later. No stress there, either. This is a lovely start to an utterly ordinary work day.

I’m grateful to be without the anxiety that has been riding shotgun with my consciousness since I learned I’d be laid off from my previous job. Strange that quickly securing a new job wasn’t enough to beat back my anxiety…it was the more-than-satisfactory completion of a project that had been assigned to me when I started. I really needed that, I guess, to soothe the background hurt (purely emotional, and mostly fairly bullshit and unnecessary) that resulted from being laid off at all. Knowing those sorts of business decisions are “not personal”, and even being treated with great consideration by colleagues, doesn’t mean it hurts any less. I really enjoyed that job, and could have happily done that until I finally left the workforce. That’s not relevant to the reality of the situation – in a sense that role no longer exists at all. Even the company doesn’t actually exist anymore, as any sort of independent entity. This is certainly a circumstance in which practicing non-attachment is the healthy choice. I smile to myself, feeling reminded of how very human I am. I’m grateful things are turning out so well, and I sip my coffee and reflect on that.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. New day; new beginning. The (metaphorical) clock ticking in the background? It’s always ticking, whether I hear it or not. Paying too much attention to the sound of the clock becomes a distraction; there is much to be done in those finite minutes of each day, and many practices to practice on the way to becoming the woman I most want to be.

I let gratitude fill my thoughts for a few more minutes. It’s a nice way to begin a day, reflecting on what is going well, what is working out, what I am fortunate to enjoy in this mortal life, and the people I am fortunate to know. Dwelling on the challenges seems only to fill my life with frustration and anxiety. Savoring the very best moments is very different. The small joys, the things that suprised me in some delightful way, the coincidences and happenstance moments of luck or of beauty – those things are worth “dwelling on”, however small, and they fill my life with joy long after the moments have passed. Gratitude has become a favorite practice – it feels really good, and lifts me up.

I glance at the clock… it’s time to begin, again.

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, joy, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5, Words

Routine and New

September 2, 2025 //
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This morning is a new beginning. New job. First day. It’s a fully remote role, which is pretty routine for me these days, but… some things are not routine at all. New tools… some of which are familiar from other roles, at other times, but in other versions or configurations, too. New. Novelty can be challenging, sometimes. It tends to crack open any bit of complacency or assumption-making foolishness, presenting things from a new perspective, or by being wildly different than my recollection of that thing. Novelty isn’t bad. It can be refreshing and a wonderful route to new perspective or deeper understanding. It can be frustrating and vexing (mostly only if I fight it). I breathe, exhale, and relax.

One by one I go through the various email items in my inbox inviting me to this or that tool, system, or database. Routine – and also new. The process is familiar, the specifics are less so. I’m shortly finished with those items, and curious about others. It is still quite early in the morning, and it’s likely that the majority of the team members here in the US won’t be on until a bit later in the morning. I sigh with a mixture of contentment and relief. I’m grateful for the quick turn around from one role to the next. I’m even sitting at an open desk at the co-work space that had become so familiar and comfortable in my last role…though the little office that is assigned to that employer is no longer mine. This still feels a familiar and welcoming place, comfortable for working. My Traveling Partner had gently encouraged me to consider working from this location vs my office at home; he knows me well, and it is often the case that my frustration with this or that new tool or login process can cause my emotions to flare up uncomfortably (for both of us) on day 1, though I tend to be very emotionally “well-managed” during work days, generally, at this point in my life. (That wasn’t always the case, for sure, and both my beloved and I live with the emotional scars of that earlier time, and tend to be very considerate about it now.) We both dislike the experience of having to deal with my frustration with myself in the moment.

I smile to myself and just listen to the soft quiet of the office at this early hour. There is so much to learn, to do, to get sorted out – and there’s no hurry, this is just day 1. It’s definitely time to begin again…

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, joy, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Creating Order From Chaos

August 25, 2025 //
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In spite of the heat I spent some time in the garden yesterday (before it got too hot, in the cooler morning hours). I happily watered and weeded, and reflected on the chaos that has arisen over weeks of hot weather, busy work days, and other shit that just had to get done. Time is a limited resource, and so is the energy I’ve got available to get things done with.

I found myself doing what I tend to do when I observe chaos creeping further into my day-to-day experience; I made a list. I took some notes. I contemplated the varying levels of urgency and the considerations driving that.

The chaos in my garden.

There are peas dry on the vines ready to harvest for next year’s planting. There are carrots ready to harvest, and favorite salad greens that bolted in the heat (may as well harvest those seeds, too). The deer were haphazard with their “helpful” pruning of tomatoes, but I’ve still got a few tomatoes ripening, hidden in the greenery. Thirsty roses want deeper watering, and need a bit of pruning. There is so much weeding to do. Work had gotten busy, and I had gotten tired with other every day tasks on top of that, and I fell behind on several of the things the garden needs to thrive and be beautiful and productive. Our choices have consequences. Now I’m faced with those; I put my attention on work (for a job that I won’t be doing any longer) and let the garden go a bit wild, and the weeds remind me that my own choices allowed them to thrive.

I’m neither mad nor frustrated. The garden manages to be lovely regardless, and I enjoy my time spent there, even on a muggy summer morning before the heat of the day sets in. There are roses blooming at the edge of the lawn (at least one of which does not know the meaning of “winter” and will likely bloom all year) and it delights me to pause along the walk to see them there in the sunshine, drops of water glittering on the edges of colorful petals after morning watering.

“Baby Love”, blooming in the summer heat.

I spent the day contentedly creating order from chaos. I find it a useful practice for reducing background anxiety and stress. Chaos in my environment tends to result in chaos in my thinking. Tidying things up, clearing out clutter, and working down a list of tasks that need doing has proven to be a really good practice for managing my stress and anxiety. When those tasks are specific to supporting my own needs as an individual, it also feels like self-care. Conveniently enough, there nearly always seems to be something to do that meets those needs. lol Laundry. Dishes. Hanging up the various pairs of earrings that have managed to find some random resting place here or there in the house. Putting books away. Filing paperwork that has stacked, waiting to be filed. Dusting. Pulling weeds in the garden and from the flower beds as I pass by on my way to some other task or destination. It quickly becomes a form of meditation, when I stay engaged with the task and present in the moment, and don’t allow myself to “wander off” in my own head.

All along the way, task by task, hour by hour, there are moments of wonder, delight, and beauty that turn up to be savored and enjoyed. A colorful display of flowers. A lingering romantic hug with my Traveling Partner. A beautiful blue sky. I make a point of really enjoying these (and so much more) whenever they occur. Another sweet way to reduce stress and anxiety; really being present for moments of joy and beauty and savoring them. It matters so much to allow myself to be delighted, even for an instant.

A colorful display of flowers in the summer sun, at the grocery store.

I am never too busy to enjoy something beautiful. (I find myself wondering when I’ll next be in the city… maybe I can work in a trip to the art museum?)

Change can feel so incredibly chaotic. The loss of familiar routines feels disruptive. Managing the stress and the anxiety that can come with change can feel overwhelming – until I break things down into smaller pieces, and create order from the chaos one task at a time. Breathe, exhale, relax – like any practice, there are steps, and I’ve got to do the work myself to experience the results (otherwise, we’re just having a conversation about it, eh?).

I sip my coffee as the sun rises. I won’t be watching that from this office window much longer… Change is. Jobs end. We are mortal creatures, and however tightly we cling to some experience, or person, or moment, we will face the reality of impermanence sooner or later. The plan is not the experience. The map is not the world. Reality will be what it is without regard to our thoughts or feelings about it. Practicing non-attachment has tended to make me more practical about change – and chaos, and I no longer take such things so personally. I’ll take a new breath, and I’ll begin again. Really, what else is there to do?

For now, I sit with the quiet, and this good cup of coffee, and I look over what needs to get done today. I make a plan. I smile when the thought of my beloved Traveling Partner crosses my mind for no particular reason; he is a steady presence in my life whether we’re in the same room or not, and I am grateful to be so loved and supported. I reach out to a friend via email wondering if they have time to get together for a coffee sometime soon? It’s the relationships that matter most, in work and in life.

A hazy dawn, a row of birds gathered on a powerline.

I sigh to myself, feeling this contentment and practicality like a firm foundation beneath my feet. I’m okay right now, for nearly all values of okay, and that’s enough. The future is unwritten, and I can’t see where this path leads… but this feels like a good place to begin, again.

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gardening, gratitude, Healthy Living, joy, Logic & Reason, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5
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