I take a lot of pictures. I mean, since I got my first camera with a phone in it phone with a camera feature, I do. That was back in… 2010? I guess so, that sounds about right. The same year that I got together with my Traveling Partner. Wow. 15 years ago, I got my first smartphone with a camera. I still love “real photography”, but film and film processing were crazy expensive, and my tendency to take a lot of pictures to get one good shot made 35mm photography too costly to bother with, other than vacations and occasions. Now, I am out and about everywhere with a good quality camera in my hand. “A picture is worth a thousand words” is a common enough saying. It’s harder to describe a thing than to see it first hand and “get it” in a glance. Not only that, there are so many interesting and useful metaphors that can be found in an image, and so many interesting sights to see that I might want to look at longer or really study! So, yeah, I take a lot of pictures.
…I am not “a photographer” in any but the most literal sense of “a person who takes photographs”, at least “photographer” is not part of my own sense of identity. I’m an artist, and writer, and even a poet… but my artistic endeavors are generally to do with paint or pastels, my writing is… right here… and my poetry… yet to be published because I am just that g’damned lazy. lol I truly do like things “easy” as much as possible, and I am prone to walking away from an unfinished project entirely if I am too frustrated by it. I’m not bragging – I consider my laziness a pretty noteworthy character flaw, frankly. But, and this is maybe more important, I also recognize how incredibly tired I often am, and how relatively unimportant some projects actually are, and I do try to put self-care ahead of “busy work” as much as possible. The woman in the mirror is generally doing her best to balance the demands of adult life with the needs of her “inner child” in a way that feels successful, reasonable, and productive. I sip my coffee and think about that for a few minutes. I am taking this time for me.
I breathe, exhale, and relax. Busy work day ahead. I got the rest I needed, but I am definitely yearning for more sleep. I chuckle to myself – humans are weird. I catch myself daydreaming about sleep, as I sip my morning coffee. A new morning, a new day, a new beginning – sleep is not even on the agenda for many hours to come.
I let my mind wander to the holidays ahead. The stores are already full of Giftmas merchandise, and online retailers are already making their “Black Friday Deals” known. I’m not generally interested in Black Friday shopping because it’s typically limited to heavily advertised, marked-up goods that get marked down ahead of the holidays so the sales feel “special”, and the intent is to drive people to buy a lot of stuff they may not even actually need, but the price looks like a deal (and in difficult times, that’s quite a lot of incentive to buy). Mass-market trade goods of various sorts are not usually what I’m looking for, so the Black Friday hoopla is not “for me”. I’m okay with paying a reasonable price for the things I actually want or need, and shopping with intention and care in local shops.
…G’damn things are expensive right now, though, aren’t they? Fuuuuuuck…
I feel my anxiety level begin to rise, thinking about money. That’s not strange. I suspect most people are anxious over money matters these days. Furloughs, lay-offs, unpaid involuntary labor (um… isn’t that “slavery”?) – with the government shutdown lasting weeks, folks are not just feeling a pinch because there’s a gap in their pay – they are facing real hardships, because there’s no money for food, heat, rent, bills, medical care… you know, life. It’s hard to believe that something as fucking stupid as partisan loyalties to political parties is enough to pit Americans against each other, most especially when their fucking job is running the g’damned government. Assholes. (Sorry, this really vexes me, I guess. You, too?)
I sigh to myself. I love the winter holidays so much. I love the lavish sparkle of lights and ornaments, and the festive packages under the tree. It’s not so much about the money, though it does come at a cost each year, it’s purely about the delight. My Traveling Partner and I have already discussed setting clear limits and scaling way back this year, due to the high cost of … everything. That doesn’t subtract from the joy or the warmth or the delight, just means finding the shining center of that holiday spirit in something other than purchased goods. Easy enough. I’ve got recipes – books and books of them – and the basic ingredients for holidays baked goods are available, and mostly sort of affordable, with wise decision-making. It’s certainly not a good year for careless spending. (Maybe it never is?)
I think about my disappointment when I saw that the assorted old-fashioned glass Shiny Brite ornaments are all marked “made in China”. I remember when that was not the case. I remember buying beautiful glass ornaments that were made in Germany, in the Czech Republic, and in Pennsylvania. I sigh to myself. Fortunately, I’ve got so many ornaments already that there simply is no reason to buy more, other than to commemorate the year, and my beloved Traveling Partner has been making those for us each year for a few years now. 😀 Nothing lost, and my moment of disappointment is built on nostalgia, not any kind of legitimate hardship or change that affects me in some practical way. I let it go.
I look over other pictures of recent things and places, and smile. It’s nice to hold on to a memory in the form of a photograph. It feels so real.
I breathe, exhale, and relax. I sip my coffee and think my thoughts. I prepare for the day ahead. It’s time to begin again.
Evening Light 